I used to be the kind of person that was very empathetic towards people who hurt me. I never wanted to hurt them back or have justice, i just felt bad for them.
That changed when i became disabled, and people started treating me as sub human.
I remember the very moment that i was angrier than i had ever been in my entire life.
I was seeing a urologist about supposed reoccurring utis and getting incredibly ill once a month, outside of the week i was sick i was still vomiting everyday, multiple times a day, and couldn't even keep down watermelon.
So i tell the doc whats happening, im losing weight, i feel like im dying, im scared, i need help. He does no tests. He says it can't be a uti because my cultures are negative. Despite that the only medicine he prescribed was meant to prevent utis, so if what he says is correct, that medicine is completely useless to me. I say "what about the nausea and vomiting?" He says something dismissive i don't remember, i reply "but im throwing up EVERYDAY." once he repeated he wouldn't help, i shut down. I couldn't hear his words anymore, thoughts rushed into me too fast to fully acknowledge but painful enough to fuel my rage. I thought "im dying and he doesn't care. Its happening again, a doctor is abusing me. Its happening again, its happening again. They don't care, im not human to them." Or something like that. It flooded my brain. I literally saw red. I tensed my face and shut my eyes so hard it was twitching, i tried to remain calm and not show my emotions, but i ended up looking incredibly angry with my eyes tightly squeezed shut and tears streaming down my face. After half a second passed i had the urge to lunge at him, and it was STRONG. It took everything in me not to hurt that piece of shit. I didn't hear what he was saying anymore.
In the car, my dad said "when you asked him about the vomiting everyday he said "well im not interested-i mean, thats not my area of expertise.""
This man, didn't care if i lived or died. At all. And that man is incredibly lucky i have self control. I would have hurt him, as much as i possibly could have before someone teared me off of him. And I'm not ashamed that that is the person i am now.
People can be so fucking vile to minorities, in ways that i didn't think possible, like how can this be real? How? But it is, it's so real, and the majority of people on this Earth go through it.
You are not alone, it's okay to be angry, you have every right. You are not a bad person.
