It's interesting to see how every time someone dies brutally, Matthew points fingers at Alastair. In the Academy, years ago, when that one kid died, Matthew went out of his way to provoke Alastair over it and, if I recall corrently, imply that he was responsible. He also commited some other microaggressions in the past, that doesn't mean he's like that now, right?
When people were getting assassinated in CHOI, what did Matthew say? It must've been Alastair! You can argue that it was a joke, that he didn't have race in mind, but Matthew has shown himself eager to accuse a man of color of being violent every time someone dies. It's an interesting pattern.
pretty recently i realized the reason people tend to assume i know every anime like the back of my hand is because I'm asian. dawg, that's so dumb i dont even know what to say to that. going to start reminding these people that I only like a handful of anime and i tend to prefer western animation
i should lie and say i only watch family guy just to crush their spirits idk
Thinking about that time I was at theatre comp with my school theatre class and playing an Irish character because the play was set in fucking Ireland cus it was about the troubles and after the show this mid 50s-60s white woman just comes zooming at me, ignoring every other person in the troupe and says that, “you know usually you wouldn’t expect to see someone of your complexion on stage in Ireland but surprisingly you were very good and it didn’t break immersion at all.” And me and (white) costar felt our smiles freeze on our faces and then I said something along the lines of “thank you kindly but we’d best be going now” and skedaddled our asses out of there.
I would like to point out I was the only person she talked to and the only nonwhite person the theatre group. Infant, I’m pretty sure I was the only nonwhite person I’d seen that entire day and it wasn’t even that tiny of a town. Like why is this teenager from the city the only brown person or even poc in a 10 km radius babe? Anyway, that was my first time experiencing microaggressions/australian racism but thankfully we managed to brush it off and my aforementioned costar and I sang along to six in the car on the way back home (we did go see six together live later in the year as well. She took me along for her birthday so I didn’t even have to pay for tickets because she learned I too was obsessed with the musical on this car journey back home. So all’s well that ends well I guess?)
This is just gonna be a vent about my folks being vaguely shitty so feel free to scroll on by lol.
TW: ableism, masking, burnout mentions, ableist microaggressions, vaguely shitty parenting, suffering through social interaction, venting in general
This thanksgiving weekend I hung out with my extended family, then my church, and then my close friends; this obviously led to severe burnout RIP my autistic ass.
But b/c of all that I couldn’t mask today when I went to church. My family insists it’s fine if I don’t mask and that nobody minds, and while I’d like not to *have* to I do sorta doubt the validity of such a statement. Regardless I’ve been trying to mask less anyways but y’know it’s hard as fuck to just stop so I haven’t been super successful lol. But I *couldn’t* mask today so there was no helping it.
Shock of all ages, my mom spent the morning chastising me for being rude and misunderstanding “obvious” questions. My dad routinely was like “are you mad at me, what did I do for you to talk to me like that?” and my friends in the church kept telling me how angry and tired I looked. My mom even teased me to her friends about how I’d interacted too much and now I was being harsh with everyone.
I was frustrated but didn’t bother correcting them too much while we were out, the options were a.)they take it personally and yell at me or b.)they take it personally and apologize like they’d murdered a child, but I don’t have the energy to manage either of those reactions in public b/c I’m burnt out an unable to mask.
I foolishly made an offhanded comment to my mother about how annoying it was that everyone kept telling me how angry I looked today, just a lighthearted jab that didn’t really have any weight or blame behind it. She of course made sure to let me know that I *did* appear to be angry so I shouldn’t be surprised if people asked me about it.
I elaborated that I am of course aware that I’ll be perceived as angry, but that doesn’t change how aggravating it is when I’m *not* actually angry just autistic. She made sure to let me know that I’d spent a lot of time out and about in this week so my social fuse was a lot shorter so I was at the very least a little short-tempered.
I (very patiently I might add) explained to her that no I’m not short-tempered right now, I am actually happy to talk with my friends and family to the extent that I am even enjoying their company. It just *looks* and *sounds* like I am because me vibing is perceived as ~angry~ because I am autistic.
She corrects me, with increasing agitation. “But you were so terse with me earlier, you are glaring at everyone, and when I explained that you’d misunderstood the question you were asked earlier you looked at me like I’d committed a terrible crime! You are angry, or at the very least harsher today.”
(I am genuinely shocked at this point, seeing as I’d figured that she wasn’t this obtuse or that she had to be joking.)
I very calmly explain “Mom I haven’t been masking today because I did so much interaction this weekend.” figuring maybe there had been a miscommunication as there is prone to be when speaking to me.
She indulgently shakes her head, “I know you’re tired from interaction, that’s *why* you’re being nastier today, and I get that b/c you’re autistic that makes you tired and short-tempered, but it’s still mean and cruel to treat people that way.”
(I stare for a long moment, because wow, I don’t know how the point missed her by that much but whatever, lets try again.)
I ask her to follow my logic for a moment; “What did I do that was rude, specifically?”
She tells me “that I glared at her for letting me know I’d misunderstood and then snapped my explanation.”
I continue with “Okay so you told me I’d misunderstood a question and I glared at you and then rudely explained myself, that’s your perspective. What I actually happened is that: you told me I’d misunderstood a question and I was embarrassed so I explained myself. That is what happened.”
She rolls her eyes, “I get that you were embarrassed but you don’t get to be rude because of it.”
(the point is so close yet so far)
“The thing was, I wasn’t rude. I didn’t say anything explicitly rude. What I actually, literally, did is to explain myself. You heard me explain myself and interpreted my TONE and EXPRESSION as harsher than usual and from that assumed that I meant to be snappy. What I’m telling you is that b/c I am incapable of masking since I did so much this past week I am incapable of going through the motions of evaluating *if* my tone *might* be rude and if that is what I *want* it to be interpreted as, as well as adjusting my tone into something that *will* be interpreted the way that I intend my statement to be taken. I wasn’t being rude accidentally, or being rude because I’m tired; I literally answered your question the way that I meant it and *you* put additional meaning and intention onto the words I said.”
I, of course, had to explain this many times over again until she even partially understood it. At that point she told me that “You have a responsibility as someone trying to communicate with other people to speak in a way that they will understand, we aren’t wrong for interpreting you that way.”
At this point I am exhausted and baffled as well as a little hurt that this is what happens when I don’t properly mask near them. I tell her how desperately unfair that is and remind her that I *literally* can’t do that.
I just sort of gave up at that point, as did she.
But like,,,,, why is it my fault that they perpetually misinterpret me. That seems like something *they* need to work on, especially seeing as they are adding implications and meanings to my words rather than the other way around. Like I’m autistic, it’s a communication disability, they need to accommodate my needs if they want me to hang around, yet I’m expected to accommodate them for their conveince.
That’s all really, I’m just frustrated and exhausted and I wanted to vent in a place where if someone doesn’t like what I’m saying or how I’m saying it they can just scroll away.
ppl making fun of mysta being a “fake filipino” is weird its almost like not all filipinos are the same 🤔
NO ACTUAL!!! its also the shittiest thing to say while he was talking about like . not having enough money to buy food before (iirc he talked about having to rely on a food bank with mama rias before too)
that joke and the one where ppl say shit like "omg hes filipino, L" just makes me GRRRRRRRRR
Live through this, and you won't look back. ~Stars, "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"
It's been a tough couple of days as my ex contacted me last night in the way that she typically does. I can't remember if I ever told her how I felt about her in the end, that she became a huge trigger for my family/family conflict, AKA the source of most of my life pains. It's strange also, that, as much as I've felt disconnected/separated from my family, it still hurts to think about what has happened as well as how it has affected me and my sister.
It's not as if family isn't important to me. I think family is one of the most important things you could have, chosen or not. But as my sister and I were talking about earlier, our blood family has been so broken/destroyed beyond repair that sometimes it makes us wonder how it possibly could've happened...and how certain things could've prevented what all that has resulted in.
My father has always been extremely severe, tense, strict, angry, aggressive, jealous, possessive, controlling, ageist, condescending, angry, angry, angry...a lot of things that work dysfunctionally together, especially within a very patriarchal/hierarchical family structure. It has been immensely harmful in the way we see relationships (familial, platonic, romantic, general), to our mental health, and to how we express ourselves as people. The harm I personally take from it revolves around the fact that I feel like I have "inherited" a lot of his aggression/anger/bad qualities in general, which was most obvious to me during high school when family/friendships/school life left me feeling bitter, resentful, and angry towards most people. I remember the first times people mentioned the words/phrases "anger management," "bitch," "ice queen," and "hard ass" to describe my temper/temperament. It has been hard to shed, but fortunately, I feel like I've been able to find/return to the kindness I had as a child. I don't think people would say those things about me now. At least, I hope.
Anyhow, one of the first instances that I remember as a young kid was the Christmas when one of our cousins was recently born. He was only a baby, and our godmother/aunt/his mother was worried about his having a cold being spread to everyone, especially the kids, so when we wanted to see/be with him, she said no, for our own well-being. My father heard about this and misconstrued it into this big deal, thinking she was separating us as cousins/creating conflict and became really angry. This event started a "feud" (in quotations because it is my father feeling resentful; there's no animosity from her to him) that has lasted 'til this day. From then on, we always had to tell "white lies" (as my mother would say) when we wanted to see their family, talk to them on the phone, etc. When all of us were able to come together for my undergrad graduation this past June, we all sat at a small, 10-person table where my father didn't talk to their family at all. It was awkward and sad.
A lot of other instances involved my parents arguing. My father always said awful things about my mother, behind her back or to her face, talking about his "stupid wife" or yelling at her for making certain decisions without his consent/approval. It still hurts my view of parenting, spouses/partners, family structures, etc. It hurts me severely and to the core that I feel like my parents do not truly love each other. My father doesn't even remember my mother's birthday, their anniversary, etc...nor does he celebrate them. My mother would argue that she loves him, but I really do not believe nor have seen physical/emotional evidence/proof that they are in love. It's not surprising that my sister and I have never wanted to tell them about our own romantic relationships, or bring those people "home to our parents," for that matter. We are afraid of what our parents will do to tarnish/harm our romantic relationships. We are afraid of having our own children because we fear for them having to grow up in the family we grew up in. I know, for myself personally, I am afraid of turning into my parents, which, in my case, would feel like being a bully who just happens to be a parent, too. But I cannot stress enough that I've always wanted to have kids so that I could be the opposite of what my parents were to me: a parent who is supportive, accepting, and loving in every way.
I grew up with a very strict upbringing, contrary to how my life is these days/how I express myself. I wouldn't say I was sheltered, fortunately. But my parents, especially my father, yelled at me/lectured me for pretty much everything, which I believe to be the main source of my stress/anxiety in every situation, whether they are directly involved or not. The list of things they have punished/yelled at me for is extensive and not limited to: not washing dishes (even though I left them for 5 minutes in the sink to go use the bathroom beforehand), not realizing what they'd be physically pointing out to me, getting an F on an assignment (even though I got an A in the class), wearing a hoodie (I know...what?), stretching my earlobes, leaving windows open (even though it's scorching hot), and a lot of "You're not doing this correctly (to my liking), you're so stupid!" It has made me a severely paranoid person who gets anxious in making decisions because I am constantly thinking of the consequences, of the punishment, of the neglect that follows.
So when my ex contacted me last night about paying her back for a couch and about how she has "logical" and exact calculations of her payments revolving around the apartment we shared/rent money/shared finances, I was triggered and thought of my father, who manages our family's finances in a very detailed fashion that borders on invading privacy. He keeps really extensive records of our finances in paper form, in organized charts/diagrams/etc complete with receipts, proofs of payment, etc. It's very stressful and has had an effect on my difficulty with math and numbers in general. Not to mention, it is one of the reasons why my mother would not divorce him, despite his aggressive behavior that dominates and controls our family life - "He contributes to and manages the finances well." I tried to tell her that I would have rather been broke, without a car/clothes/superficial things if it had meant we'd have a good family life, but now, I feel that my parents are only able to give us these superficial things and share these things with us in order to prove their love and show their affection. Not to mention, with how they grew up (in poverty in the Philippines), it is unimaginable to them as to why we would be possibly sad/upset when we have all of these superficial things. It is not surprising to me that my sister and I find (temporary) relief in superficial things or find relief in anything to be fleeting, but are unable to hold on to more permanent/lasting forms of happiness such as, I don't know...a loving family environment. Stable, healthy, romantic relationships. Et cetera.
Back to my ex: she felt the need to show me bank statements to "prove" her calculations were correct, and it stressed me out even more when she told me to "relax and feel better," as if saying it would "snap me out of it." Not to mention, she said so many ableist things about my mental health, implying that my "logic" was off and that I was fabricating it as some excuse to not talk to her when she was truthfully stressing me the fuck out. Needless to say, I needed a long crying session afterwards. I couldn't even believe she invited me to dinner before all that.
Going back to my family, it also sucks to see other families have healthy, loving relationships. My mother even points out that it hurts her to see other people's families get along, to be so tight-knit. It makes us all envious and anxious. My aunt sometimes tells me when my mother is feeling sad about our family, which seems often. Me too, mama. Me too.
This isn't to say my mother is exempt from hurting me. She never fails to comment on my body, my skin, my physical appearance, my style, my body modifications...she is very much in the mindset of having the ultimate authority on what I can/cannot do to my body, even though I've made it apparent that 1) she does not have that authority, 2) I don't care, and 3) I'm not going to change anything for her sake. The other day, she commented, "Your ears...I hate it." I was tempted to say, "You might as well say you hate me too because that's what you're basically saying." My parents just love taking the good parts of what they want and ignoring/disregarding the bad parts.
And that is one of the worst things about the (general) relationships I've been in. I feel that people were/are not able to accept certain parts of me. I feel that conflict/separation between myself and other people results from a misunderstanding of who I am or of what has happened, resulting in neglect, resent, and the other person leaving...sometimes, I take for granted how much this type of separation hurts, but I am always reminded when the other person actually leaves. It seems like when you need people/love the most, there is nothing there. Worst thing.
It's also really difficult when you feel that you have so much love to give, but it is not reciprocated/cannot be invested into someone/something. Something that I've always noticed about my family and the people that I care about is that I am hurt when the extent of the other person's vulnerability with you is very limited. I do understand that this is the other person's choice, but when your own family cannot muster up the emotional courage to allow you to be yourself without judgment, harassment, or criticism, what are you to expect out of people outside your family?
Conclusively, I am still trying to unlearn these patterns of interpersonal conflict and harm. It hurts me when I hurt the people I care about, but that has to come from somewhere. I want to be able to be there for all the people I care about in the most accessible ways, where I can accept/support/care for them to best possible extent. I just hope that learning accountability, respect, love, and consideration - among other things - will help me do this.
