I’m kinda pissed because there is another tag game going around about “are you a psychopath or sociopath” and people are making lowkey saneist jokes about it
I’ve been tagged a few times, I don’t want to play because I feel like it’s pretty offensive and I don’t like how immature people are reacting to it
Apologies if this is a weird question, but do you think it's okay for people with ASPD traits to call themselves sociopaths / psychopaths? I have NPD + AvPD and a lot of ASPD traits (though I'm unsure if I qualify for a diagnosis of it) and I'm just wondering if it would be offensive for me to call myself those things since I'm not the "proper" thing?
So those words have no medical definition, they are just stigmatized terms. Just like with stigmatized terms for any other group being targeted, I believe it is the right of the people those terms are used against to choose to reclaim them. The only thing that I think is unacceptable when it comes to reclaiming (which means to me a person choosing to use stigmatized terms that apply to them in a positive or neutral way) is trying to use those terms for others. I don't take issue with any pwASPD or NPD using either of those terms for themselves because both are leveraged against people with both disorders (further proving that they literally mean nothing if they ever did). So in my opinion, you referring to yourself as either of those would be fine, but referring to anyone else besides yourself even if they have ASPD or NPD wouldn't be okay unless they are specifically okay with it. Basically, avoid making those "to all the soci0paths, I love you" posts (to be clear the stigmatized terms used are the only things I take issue with on those posts, the concept is very sweet/gen), at least so far as my opinion on this goes.
Plain text below the cut:
So those words have no medical definition, they are just stigmatized terms. Just like with stigmatized terms for any other group being targeted, I believe it is the right of the people those terms are used against to choose to reclaim them. The only thing that I think is unacceptable when it comes to reclaiming (which means to me a person choosing to use stigmatized terms that apply to them in a positive or neutral way) is trying to use those terms for others. I don't take issue with any pwASPD or NPD using either of those terms for themselves because both are leveraged against people with both disorders (further proving that they literally mean nothing if they ever did). So in my opinion, you referring to yourself as either of those would be fine, but referring to anyone else besides yourself even if they have ASPD or NPD wouldn't be okay unless they are specifically okay with it. Basically, avoid making those "to all the soci0paths, I love you" posts (to be clear the stigmatized terms used are the only things I take issue with on those posts, the concept is very sweet/gen), at least so far as my opinion on this goes.
Summary:Â Dr. Richardson, the owner of a dental clinic, doesn't like dating clients. He wants to keep things as professional as possible. But sometimes, things don't necessarily go as planned.
Warnings:Â Blood, gore, yandere themes, detailed descriptions of murder/gore/blood/torture, character death, language, background checks without permission, needles, drugging, kidnapping, obsession, watching MC through hidden cameras , restraints, descriptive dental checkup, lying, euphoria from murder/torture, and Dr. Richardson is a psychopath/sociopath.
A/N: First off, thank you for your request! This was very interesting to write. Also, as for the last warning, I did some research and wasn't able to properly categorize him into one or the other. Which is why I did both. Finally, since you didn't include any specific gender for the reader, I made them gender neutral. Hopefully you don't mind. Enjoy! :)
P.S.: This story is about 30 pages long and unfortunately won't fit on the answer. I do apologize and hope that you'll still be able to see it.
As I typed away at my report, my eyes scanned over the documents splayed on my desk. Soft music played from the radio behind me, my foot tapping along to the beat. Printing out the document for filing, Penny swings the door open without knocking. A clipboard in hand, she flashes me a bright smile before skipping over to the chair in front of my desk. She giggles and tosses the clipboard to me. With a sigh, I turn around and turn off the music and quietly flip through the pages. My eyebrows raise at her, my fingers crinkling the forms.
"I told you that I was going to set you up," She taps the clipboard excitedly. I shake my head as I find something else to do on my computer, my eyes refusing to meet hers.
"I don't date clients." She rolls her eyes at me.
"And I don't take bullshit." My eyebrows raise. I watched her carefully as she motioned for me to come and follow her. Grabbing the clipboard, I went out into the lobby, casually looking at them from behind their forms. Outside, two people sat on opposite ends of the room. Both were flipping through magazines while waiting for their turn to be seen.
I looked back over to Penny, who was now sitting behind the front desk, "Which one?" They rolled their eyes and I smiled. "Again, I don't feel comfortable doing such a thing."
"Okay, well, they do need a check up." Penny shoos me away from her, "(Y/n)! Dr. Richardson is ready for you now." She looks back up at me with a wink before picking up a book. Looking back at their friend, I do my best to force a smile while I lead them to their room.
——
Sitting them down onto the examination chair, I leaned them back and scanned over their forms. From the corner of my eye I watched as they squirmed, their hands playing with their shirt. Their eyes scanned the sterile room, trying to ground themselves. "Are you nervous?" I searched for their file on the computer.
They nod, "Yeah, a little." Nodding along with them, I offer a soft smile.
"Don't worry, I'll be gentle." After a moment of silence, I look back over to them. "This is your first time here correct?"
"Yup. Penny was the one who recommended me here..." I nodded and hooked a sanitary bib around their neck.
"Where did you go previously?"
"I uh... I think it was called Vista Dental...?"
Going back over to the computer, I search up the name and shot them an email, "We'll start in a moment, I'm just having a bit of trouble pulling up your file."
(Y/n) nods, patiently waiting. After a couple of moments, their information finally pops up. Quickly skimming it over, I wrote down their full name onto a sticky note and pasted it onto an empty sheet inside a black binder. "I apologize. I found it and now we can finally begin."
Grabbing a camera and some dental putty, I push the pink paste around their teeth. Making sure that it's fully pressed, we wait a minute or two before I carefully break it off. Placing the molds into a small blue container, I set it down onto the counter for Penny to collect. Then taking a camera and plugging it into the computer monitor, I started taking photos of their teeth. Jotting down more notes onto their file, I take a step back to change my gloves, my breath getting heavy. (Y/n) looks at me with worry laced into their features.
"Everything alright?" I nod, unable to trust my voice.
"I apologize, there's nothing wrong. I should take your molds down-- Penny should've taken it earlier..." Leaving the room, I go over to my office, the dental molds still in hand. Putting it into my bag, I open a window and take a deep breath. What the fuck is wrong with you? Get it together. They're just another client. Just another client.
Going back to their room, I take an explorer and examination mirror and poke around their mouth. Scraping down the sides of their teeth, I clean the bits of gunk that clings to their pearly white teeth. Then grabbing an electric brush, I wheel myself over to some cabinets. "What flavor do you want? Cinnamon, strawberry, or black cherry?" I look back over at (Y/n) with a smirk.
"I'll try the black cherry, I guess." Taking the polish, I roll back over to them, a small smile on their face.
"You're doing great, after this you'll be done." My voice suddenly wasn't able to go above a whisper. My eyes scanned over their face, heat rushing to my cheeks at the proximity. Their sweet scent filled my lungs, my skin prickling from the feeling. My grip tightens against the brush. Trying to clear my mind I continue to scrub their teeth. Just a client. Just a client. Just a client. Blood wells up near the top of their gums, my gaze hyper focused on it. Swallowing, I take the suction tube and place it into their mouth. Watching as the blood flows through the clear tube, I feel my mouth watering. Closing my eyes, I pull the suction tube out of their mouth.
"All done. Great job." Pushing back the overhead light, it shuts off automatically. Realigning the examination chair, I help (Y/n) off of it.
"Thank you so much." Nodding, I back away from them and go over to another part of the room. With my back turned to them, I try to steady my breathing. Turning back around to face them properly, I take a moment to find my voice while they stretch their jaw.
"...Did Penny mention anything before you came today?" (Y/n) shakes their head.
"Why?" A look of concern creeps up on their features. Quickly shaking my head, I cleared my throat.
"She mentioned that she was going to be bringing in a new client is all... I thought she was just messing around." I chuckle. (Y/n)'s body relaxes and for whatever reason, so does mine.
——
Entering my apartment, I kick off my shoes and sit down onto the couch. Throwing my backpack to the side, I pulled out a black binder and flipped to the blank entry. The sticky note from earlier now stuck further down the page than from where it was originally. I pulled out my laptop and launched a couple of background checking apps. Entering (Y/n)'s name into all of them, I searched through the information it managed to provide me. Then plugging in their name into a search bar, I looked for their social media. After about an hour of research and careful combing, I managed to fill out two pages of information on them. Closing the binder, I stretched my limbs and rolled my neck. Suddenly, the sound of a power drill and some hammers broke me out of my calm mood. Making my way towards the front door, I take a peak out through the peephole. Many men and women with stabilizing belts carry various furniture pieces as well as boxes into the unit next door. Just as I'm about to pull away from the door, (Y/n) appears in my vision. My heart stops. This must be some sort of dream... I pinch my skin, hoping for any sort of result. Nothing. A grin makes its way onto my lips.
(Y/n) carries two boxes in hand, carefully moving out of the way of the other workers, I watch as they bounce on either foot. A smile gracing their pretty little lips as they head inside. I feel my mouth start to water once more, my chest tightening. Pulling away from the door, I rush over to my binder and scratch out the address I had found online, replacing it with the new one. Cackling to myself, I head into the kitchen and start preparing the ingredients for some cookies. "You're making it too easy for me, little one..." I sigh, my body buzzing. After the dough was completed, I scooped it out onto a lined baking tray. Letting them cook in the oven, I got on a step stool and raided the cupboard just above the fridge. Taking out the mason jar stuffed inside, I grab a disposable spoon and start stirring the caramel colored continents inside. Once the cookies were done, I drizzled the thick liquid over the cookies and placed the sweet treats on a cooling rack. Every rise and fall of my chest felt heavier than the last, my eyes wide as I do my best to stabilize myself against the counter. My fingers tighten even more around the white laminate, my head buzzing at the sound of their voice.
"Control yourself... Fuck, you need to control yourself..." Closing my eyes, I took in deep breaths, "There's no reason for you to feel excited like this... They're just another person... Just another person who happens to be like an absolute angel..." I can't control the whine that escapes my throat, my eyes watering. "Oh, you will be the death of me, little one..."
——
Entering the clinic, I noticed as Penny taps away at her phone. Her teal painted nails move quickly along the screen, her eyes never leaving it as she greets me a good morning. Suddenly she erupts into laughter, a hand covering her mouth as she looks away from me. Standing in front of her desk, I try to mimic a smile, my eyes drifting towards the clipboard on her desk. Clearing my throat, I wait for Penny to hand it to me, my foot tapping against the wood flooring. After a moment of confusion, a little gasp leaves her as she quickly grabs the stack of papers and hands them to me. Rushing into my office, I quickly run background checks on each patient, my eyes skimming through the generated information. After finishing a couple of clients, I lean back into my seat, a wave of frustration settling into me.
"This isn't as exciting as it usually is... It's like these people aren't worth the effort anymore..." I mumble to myself, eyes fixated on the papers inside my binder. Pulling out my phone, I opened up the cameras installed inside (Y/n) unit; they were originally used on previous victims. I scanned their whole apartment for any signs of life. Nothing.
Flipping back to their profile, I start writing down the date and time. A grin creeping back up on my face. "(Y/n)! Are you home?" A man with tan olive skin and curly black hair enters the unit with a sad looking plant. Switching cameras, I get a better look at him and what he's doing in their apartment. A growl vibrates the column of my throat, my frustration growing. He sets the plant down onto the coffee table before stretching his back. After a couple of twists, he explores the apartment, his shoes still on his feet.
"Hope I'm not interrupting!" He shouts knocking on (Y/n)'s bedroom. Their bedroom still has yet to be decorated, cardboard boxes strewn about the floor of their room. The only thing that has been completed was their bed, a soft green sheet covers the mattress, matching pillows propped up nicely against the headboard. I watch as this man sits down onto the bed, his hand reaching into his pocket. He pulls out a small velvety box, just big enough to fill the center of his palm.
Just then (Y/n) enters their unit, immediately going over to the plant, they pick it up, their head shaking. "What a poor little plant..." They mumble. Continuing on their way, they shakily ask, "Whose there?"
The man bounds over to the door, the box no longer in hand, a wide grin spread along his face, "Hey! Sorry, I let myself in..." (Y/n) shakes their head.
"Don't worry about it. I'm glad to see you Hector." Their lips mimic his, arms outstretched, they pull in close to him. His arms immediately wrapped around their form. Way too excited for my liking. I set my phone down near my keyboard, keeping the volume up, I started searching for 'Hector'. Only I was interrupted by Penny, a man behind her, his hand clasped around his jaw.
"I'm very sorry to bother you but, Mr. Smith's caretaker dropped him off here. He doesn't have an appointment— but he needs an emergency cavity removal, his gums are quite infected." She steps to the side, Mr. Smith walks forward, eyebrows furrowed into a singular unit, "Do you think you can take him? His caretaker already has all of the forms filled out and I can take care of most of the paperwork for you."
Turning off my phone, I nod. "Of course, please put him in room four if it's empty." Penny nods letting him take her arm as she guides him to his room. With a groan, I turn off the radio before grabbing my binder and heading off towards his room.
——
Coming back into my office, my head pounding, I find Penny sitting at my desk on a call. Her personal phone was pressed against her ear, the glittery case making my eyes strain.
Penny's eyes widened in shock, "I'll have to call you back." She quickly hangs up the phone as she rushes to get away from my desk. Putting as much distance between us as possible. I watch as she backs herself into the open window tipping backwards. Rushing forward, I grab her hand, pulling her towards me. Her body now flushed with mine, her face heats up, fingers twisting out of my grip. Shoving me away, she breathes heavily. "What... What are you doing."
"What?"
"I saw what was on your computer... I know what you did. You're sick. Absolutely sick. The police will be on their way..." I feel my heart stop, it drops down to the pit of my stomach. The hairs on my neck stood on edge.
"Penny," My voice is soft and comforting, "I don't know what you saw, but I know that you didn't tell the police." Slowly, I make my way back towards her. She sways, eyes darting towards the door.
"Don't come any closer!" Slowly raising my arms up near my head, I take another step before staying still. "I know what I saw on your computer. It-It's sick!" Shaking my head, I let my arms lower, my fingers sliding into my pants pockets.
"Penny, please... You don't understand..." My eyes watch the outside, ears tuned in for any sirens that may be passing by. My fingers grip the smooth metal. Quickly pulling it out of my pocket, I throw the knife at Penny hitting her right shoulder. She wails, her body hitting the floor. Rushing over to her side, I ripped a small piece of her shirt and stuffed it into her mouth. Taking another knife, I shoved it into her side. Ensuring it went all the way through, I rushed over to my desk and grabbed some duct tape and zip-ties. Binding her limbs together, I sprinted out to my car.
Rushing to clear my trunk, I grabbed a rolled up tarp and laid it flat along the bottom. Smoothing it against the sides, sirens blare nearby. Sprinting inside, I unlocked a storage closet and grabbed Penny. After shoving her inside, I locked the door. Freshening up in the staff bathroom, I sat down at my desk and pulled up Mr. Smith's file. Completing and submitting the paperwork, I waited for the officers to come to me.
——
"So, she just disappeared?" I nod, my fingers lacing together in front of me on my desk.
"She was acting quite weird all day honestly..." I paused, leaning back with a sigh, breaking eye contact briefly, "We all have those off-days so I tried to take it easy on her. She asked to take a break but there was a client— we don't have anyone else to fill in for her— so I asked if she could wait just a little longer before then. She was quite upset so I let her cool off." Both officers nodded, one writing down my statements, "I left her here while I took care of our client and when I came back she was gone. I assumed she just went to take a break and..." I gestured to them. They nodded.
"Do you think we can see the surveillance cameras?"
"Of course." Pulling up the surveillance cameras on my monitor, I turn it around so they can look at it properly. After going through what they needed to, both stand up. The one who wrote down notes, looks at me, his eyes studying my figure. His partner nudges him, head jabbing towards the door.
"One more thing... You need to come down with us to the police station to file an official report." Nodding, I logged out of my computer.
——
I kicked off my shoes and ripped off my jacket. Tossing it onto the couch, I paced my living room, my head pounding. How could I be so fucking careless? She saw everything and almost ratted me out. That little bitch... Storming through the hallway, I ripped the key off of my neck and unlocked the door to my second room. Slamming it shut behind me, I took a deep breath. Using a step ladder, I used plastic sheets to line the walls. Stringing them up, my heart rate started to spike, my mind overflowing with ideas of how to properly take care of Penny.
Gosh, it's been so long... I can't remember the last time— A knock at my door interrupts me from my job. The plastic sheet in my grasp slips from my fingers. With a sigh, I head back over to the front door. Peering out through the peephole, (Y/n)'s smiling face greets me with a tray covered in aluminum foil. Quickly opening the door, I do my best to stay calm. I smile at them, as I catch my breath.
"Uh, hi. I'm your new neighbor... I just wanted to say hello and apologize for the noise." They fumble with the tray in their arms, extending their right hand towards me, they wait for me to take it. My hands tremble as I gripped their soft flesh between my fingers, I shake it gently, afraid to crush them.
"It's nice to meet you... Well, again at least." They let out a soft giggle, the noise sending my soul flying. I watch as heat rises to the tips of their ears, their gaze dipping away from mine. I feel my heart beat unsteadily. It's pace increases the longer I stay near them. "My name is, Luis by the way." They smile, nodding.
"It's really nice to meet you again." I stepped to the side, watching their every movement as they walked into my home. Their eyes scanned each inch of the place, little emotion passing over features. I watch as they stop momentarily, their gaze locked onto something. Clearing my throat, I gestured towards the couch. As I went to sit down, my eyes followed their gaze, my heart dropping.
"Are you renovating?" Their little innocent eyes looked up to mine, an eyebrow raised. My fingers gripped my shirt, nails scraping against my skin.
"Oh— yeah. I-I've been meaning to paint that room a different color but..." My voice trails off as I go over to close the door. Ensuring that it's shut, I go back to my original destination, my hand reaching out towards them. As they make their way to me, they drop off the tray onto the coffee table. "So... What's in the tray?" They smile, their eyes crinkling.
"I made some brownies. It's my apology gift." I can't help but break out into a smile.
"Do you mind if we dig in?" Just as I reach over towards the treat, I notice the sparkling rock sitting on their left hand. A growl leaving my throat.
——
A couple of days after their visit, I knocked on (Y/n)'s door, the container of now warmed cookies in hand. Hector answers the door, his dark wavy hair was pressed against his forehead, a towel wrapped around his neck. His grey shirt was pressed tightly against his skin showing a faint outline of his body. He looks me up and down and nods. "Can I help you?"
"Is (Y/n) home?" He nods, an eyebrow raised. "I wanted to welcome them to the apartment complex." Raising the container of cookies, he nods looking behind him.
"They're pretty busy but I'll tell them you stopped by." He reaches out and I hand him the container, taking a step back I watch as he closes the door. Going back into my unit, I sat down on my couch and pulled up the cameras. I watched as Hector opened the treats. I watched as he grabbed a couple of them, placing them onto a plate. I watched as they both started snacking on them in (Y/n)'s room.
As I continued to watch and wait for them to fall asleep, thuds came from my locked room, I sighed and got up to check on her. Pressing my ear against the door, I could hear metal clanging together, scraping against the walls and floor. I feel my teeth start to grind together while heat works its way up my body, flooding my face and neck. I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head. Swinging the door open, I watched as Penny squirmed harder upon seeing me, muffled noises following the sound of her chains clashing together. Blood dripped down her forehead, eyes and mouth. Both eyes were swollen, angry cuts littered her skin. Most of her bruises, still fresh, were a discolored yellow with greenish spots. Penny groans as I walked towards her, narrowly avoiding the teeth that litter the plastic tarp. Bending down near her face, I flex my hands, my discolored skin straining along with the movement of my fingers. My eyes darken as I glare into hers. Ripping off the gag from her mouth, I watch as her breathing increases to dry heaves, blood splattering out of her mouth and onto my clothes.
"W-Why? Why are you doing this?" My lips quirk upwards, my eyes crinkling. My breath was heavy as I leaned in closer. My eyes darken as I peer up at her through my lashes.
"Oh because it's fun, dear." Getting up, I go over to the corner of the room. Ensuring all of my tools are present and accounted for, I roll over the metal cart, the instrument tray rattling with every crease and bump along the way. I stop it just next to a wooden chair with straps attached to the legs and arm rests. Penny looks up at me with blood shot eyes, and uneven breaths. Pink, almost yellow, tears roll down her cheeks. Her head starts shaking frantically. My head tilts to the side, a smirk raising my features, "What's wrong? You don't want this?" I scoff at the sobs that grow louder.
"Please... Don't do this..." She gasps. Her eyes search the room frantically as I raise her from her spot on the floor. Her limbs limp from exhaustion, barely able to fight back anymore. Shoving her into the chair, her body squirms. Backing away from her, she stumbles out of her chair and tries to scramble away from her place on the floor.
"You're really something special huh?" Kneeling down, I grab her chin to which she snaps away. "Be a good girl for me and I'll go easy on you okay?" Her body freezes, eyes wide and hopeful. Helping her into the chair, I strap her hands and ankles down to prevent injury. Then going over to the cart, I grab a scalpel. Kneeling down to her feet, she starts to struggle once more. Hushing her I try to find the appropriate spot to start digging in. Her skin felt like dollar store tissue paper. Like it would tear from the slightest pressure.
Suddenly, her sobbing quiets down. Worried, my eyes raked up her form, settling on to her eyes. They looked like whirlpools, constantly drawing me in more and more. Green flecks floated around her iris'. She sighed, "...Luis... You're a great person. You don't have to do this...!" Blood catches in her throat, the liquid muffling her words. I give her a sad smile, my head shaking.
"I'm not doing this because I want to be a bad person— the villain. I'm doing this because it's fun and quite relaxing." I let my hand catch her cheek, my thumb rubbing away the trail of thick crimson that stains her skin. "You know, you really are something special..." Quickly, I dug the tip of the scalpel into the scaly skin of her heel. Digging it around further, I dropped the medical instrument and used my fingers to separate the tissue. Pulling it further and further apart, I pushed the skin away from the bone and started pulling her Achilles tendon. The more I pulled, the more excited I got. The warm blood spilled onto my hands, staining my clothes. Penny erupted into a scream, "Oh Penny... If you don't shut the fuck up, I will sew your mouth shut next." Yanking it one final time, the tendon snaps with a satisfyingly wet pop. Penny's screams grow louder, her eyes widening, liquids pouring out of her.
I watch closely as her eyes flutter closed. Her breathing slowing down. I grin, my blood flowing faster through my veins. My face starts to heat up more and more. I'm unable to control my grin as my hands strike against her skin again and again and again. Penny remains unresponsive, her body now slumped over in her chair, the faded blue waves of hair covering her features. Going over to the second shelf of the metal cart, I opened a black-stained wooden box and pulled out a small white bottle with a black label. Opening the cap, I pull the bottle away from my face before wafting it underneath Penny's nose. Her head shifts up, her body straightening in her seat, eyes open, pupils wide. Removing the bottle from her face and capping it, I smack her cheek a couple of times.
"You with me Penny?" A laugh erupts from my stomach, "Try to stay with me okay, dear?" Her eyes search around the room frantically, her body fighting against the restraints. "If you're good, I'll make your end as quick and painless as possible." Grinning, my hands fly to the side of her face to steady her. Tears pour from her eyes like it's the only thing she knows how to do. Too impatient for her response, I pull out a remote from my pocket and press a button. Rock music blasts from speakers hidden around the minimally furnished room.
"Please stop. I did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong." She struggles harder against her restraints. Cackling, I shook my head.
"No, you did. Trust me." Kneeling back down, I went to work on her other tendon. Repeating the smelling salt process, I continued on with my work. Grabbing a metal chair, I set it down in front of her. Taking a seat, I grabbed a melon-baller from the tray and lifted her eyelids. Pulling it back from her eye, I used the serrated edge to dig it into her eye socket. Pushing it all the way back behind it, I force it forward by popping it out of its socket. Her beautiful eye bobbed up and down, the optical nerve still connected. Almost instantaneously it starts to leak blood. Her violent thrashing causes it to swing back and forth, the other eye watering. Taking it into my hands, I squeeze the eyeball, the natural moisture causing it to slide around in my palm. A shiver runs down my spine as I let it pop, blood running down my hands. Pulling the cord I rip it from its socket. Another wail erupts from her. Incoherent pleas come out between sobs, blood pouring out of where her eye used to be.
"You're doing so well..." I moan, "Want to take a break? Or do you think you can keep going?"
——
Once I was satisfied with my work, I took a look over Penny's unconscious body. Her features were indistinguishable, both eyes were scooped out, the optical nerve on her left eye still hanging. Her nose was bashed in and her teeth pulled out. I cut the cord that held her tongue in place, out of curiosity mainly, and ended up cutting off her tongue in the end. Her nails were ripped out before I smashed her fingers with my favorite hammer. Her arms were mangled, body cut up. My breath was heavy and my mind felt fuzzy. Almost like it was buzzing.
After cleaning up the room and stuffing Penny into my trunk, wrapped in tarps and plastic sheets, I knocked on (Y/n)'s door. After a couple of minutes with no answer, I pulled out a small pouch from my pocket. Unfurling it, I grabbed a jiggle key and shoved it into the lock. After wiggling it a couple of times, I hear a soft click. Pushing the door open carefully, I'm met with the pleasant sight of (Y/n)'s boyfriend laying face down on the floor. Crumbs littered the area around his body. Arms stretched out around him, a plate pinned beneath his torso.
Taking a closer look at him, I noticed his knees were bent underneath him, drool leaked out of his mouth and pooled on the floor below him. I kicked him in the jaw with my foot a couple of times. No response. Afraid I might've killed him, I pressed two fingers against the pulse on his wrist. Counting each beat, I dropped his hand. Standing back up, I looked around the room. Shit, where's (Y/n)? A light groan emitted from him. With a growl, I lifted up his face with the tip of my shoe. I scanned over his features. He was still relaxed, eyes closed and serene. My eyebrows furrowed as I dropped his face back onto the floor.
I continued my way throughout their place. Checking all of the rooms, I was relieved to find that (Y/n) was fast asleep in their room. They laid on the mattress, face up, a blanket wrapped around their delicate form. The soft blue comforter pressed against their body beautifully. Each dip and curve was now visible. Getting closer to their face I let their soft breaths fan against my skin. The warmth that radiated from them loosened my tense muscles. Looking around the room, I picked up each photo there. Some included (Y/n) and their family, others were with their friends. When I came across the one with Penny, I observed both of their features.
They were in a bar leaning against each other. Penny's smile was wide, a drink was in her hand raised above them both. The table in front of them was littered with empty glasses, a snack bowl between them. (Y/n)'s smile was tight and uncomfortable. Their body felt rigid and their posture posed in an unnatural position. They looked away from the camera and down towards their lap. A stray hand from someone unknown was placed on their shoulder. The fingers were clasped to their shirt, almost like the unseen person was ready to brawl. On the side of their hand was a tattoo of a mono-colored hummingbird. Its head was twisted away from (Y/n), towards the faceless patrons enjoying themselves in the back. Turning back towards (Y/n), I ran a hand down their cheek. Their features contort at the feeling. So cute... Sinking into the mattress next to them, I lay over their blankets, my arm wrapping around their waist. My hands smooth over their blanket. Pressing myself against them, I breathe in their scent, letting it settle down in my veins. For a small moment, I felt one with them. With their body pressed up safely against mine. The world didn't matter. It wouldn't matter without them. I know that now.
——
I sat by my door, an ear pressed against it as I listened to (Y/n) check their mail. An exasperated sigh could be heard moments before their mailbox slammed shut. Quickly, I walked out of my unit and headed towards my mailbox. Carefully I passed them by and took out the stack of papers from the metal box. I pretended to sift through them as I watched (Y/n) from the corner of my eyes. I watched as they paused in their tracks and turned around. I watched as they made their way back towards me, tapping at my shoulder. Looking back at them, they smiled.
"I heard you stopped by yesterday and left some cookies for us." Their eyes turned away from mine for a moment, "They were quite tasty, thank you."
I let my smile widen, "It was my pleasure. I'm glad you liked it." Excitement spread on their cheeks tinting their skin a shade darker. My heart starts to race at the thought of them consuming it.
"I'd return the container but, I can't find it." Their foot digs into the carpet below, "I promise I will though..." Just as I'm about to make my way back into my apartment, they grab my arm. "I was wondering... Did you happen to see Hector leave yesterday? He was the one who answered the door..."
"No, I'm sorry." They nodded, their lip catching between their teeth, eyes turned downward. As I continued my way back into my unit, my mind raced with the image of their face. The look in their eyes that expressed so much worry for a man who didn't even love them the way they deserved. A man who holds no respect. No concern for someone like (Y/n).
I went back into my locked room, more than ready to seek justice in their name. Upon opening the door, I'm greeted with the sight of an empty chair and chains. I scanned the room, my heart racing, only for Hector to pop up from behind the door with a can opener. He does his best to attack me, swinging violently at my face. In response I dodge, pivoting on my dominant foot, my hand clutching his wrist and the other at his neck. Pushing him so that his body is in front of me, I shove him into the ground, twisting his wrist I pin both of his hands behind his back. With the hand around his neck, I bash his face into the ground. I only stop once his chest slows down to exhausted puffs. Strapping him back down onto the chair, I take a wet rag and drag it across his face. The once grey rag darkened to a deep red. I wrung out the cloth into a separate empty bucket. The thinned out liquid crawls down my fingers and wrists. Repeating the motion, I inspected the damage. They always think that something like that could really stop me... I chuckled.
The bridge of his nose is now crooked in two different areas. A large, throbbing cut separated them with blood flowing down to his upper lip. He spits in my face, the blood splattering onto my left cheek. I moan, my eyes now focusing on him. My head tilts to the side smirking at him. He growls in frustration. "You're sick." Blood continues to splatter against my face as he tries to talk.
"So are you." My eyes drift towards the humming bird tattoo that was engraved into the skin of his hand. Leaning forward, I press my lips against his ear, "People like you don't deserve to exist because all you do— your only purpose in life is to get in the way of other people. This is not your story. You're just another side character in it. A mere place holder for their true love." I spit, my patience running thin.
Leaning back I kneel down towards the floor and pulled out the picture from yesterday. My index finger tapping against (Y/n)'s uncomfortable form. A memory that they would've wanted to forget but is, for whatever reason, still there as a reminder. I raise my eyebrows at him, my eyes scanning his features for any tells. He's blank. Or maybe just stupid. "What about it?" He mumbles.
"You're touching them in this photo and they're clearly uncomfortable. Why is that?"
"Why are you assuming that I was the one to make them uncomfortable?" My body grows warm, I take a deep breath, a scoff running through me.
"(Y/n) and Penny were good friends. I have a lot of doubts that Penny would be the one to make them feel uncomfortable." Hector frowns, eyes squinting at me. "Besides, when I met you, there was something off about you..."
"You're one to talk." He mumbles, my shoulders tensed up. Pulling myself off the floor, I walk over to the corner of the room. My tray of instruments now cleaned, I rolled the cart over to him. His eyes scanned over it.
"So are you saying that you didn't do it?" my tone was light and amused as sweat built up just above his brow.
"O-of course." His voice raises. "You don't know the full story between Penny and (Y/n). I'm honestly so surprised that you didn't hunt her down or something..." His head turns, eyes swiveling around the room for a way out. I shake my head at him, a chuckle bursting out of me. Hector's eyes widened.
"I'm already bored of you. Let's just get this over with." Picking up the can opener, I grab one of his fingers only to laugh at his struggling. "Hush now... If I have to turn on the music," I place the opener onto his lap and grab some flat nosed pliers, "it would only make this whole ordeal less fun than it already is." Hector starts to hyperventilate, his chair rattling as he tries to escape. He screams for help, my eyes rolling. Reaching into my pocket, I press the button and let rock music blare in the background. Positioning his uneven nails between the metal, I let it clamp down for a second before slowly pulling the nail closer towards me. His breathing increases as I slowly pull the nail out, increasing the pressure bit by bit before ripping it clean off. I chuckle at the childish wail he emits. Putting the pliers to the side, I grab the can opener from his lap and latch his bloody fingertip between the sharp metal. Slowly, I twist the handle, forcing the sharp metal through his finger.
"Oh come on now... I haven't finished with you just yet. Besides, the chorus is just about to begin." Hector continues to cry, his body shaking.
——
It has been about two months now. Hector and Penny's missing person's posters were all over the lobby walls. Anytime I'd see them outside of their apartment, they seemed uneasy and frustrated. Even that pebble on their finger was missing. After a while, the tight feeling in my chest wouldn't leave unless I had them near me where I knew they were safe. At the clinic, with Penny now gone, I managed to convince (Y/n) to work for me. It eased the pressure a little bit, but when I got home, it was never enough.
"Mr. Smith has been dropped off by his caregiver. His implants aren't working out for him anymore... He said Mr. Smith would do better with implants." (Y/n), handed me their papers.
"Did the family consent as well?" They nodded, handing me a separate pack of papers. "Alright, please escort them to an empty room and I'll be right there." I watched them leave, the scrubs I had picked out for them were a wonderful fit.
As I finished submitting the paperwork, for our client, screams could be heard from the other side of the clinic. My fingers twitched. My eyebrows furrowed, heat settling into my bones. Getting up and heading over to where the source of the noise was, I was met with the sight of Mr. Smith touching what's mine. His hands were clutched around their arms, eyes wide and mouth open. Spit shooting out of his mouth as yelled, I rushed over to their side. Prying his fingers off of them, I pushed them back and behind me. Mr. Smith's caregiver rushing into the room. He helps me calm him down. My blood felt like it was boiling my insides. Ready to melt the flesh off my bones in an instant. Without thinking, I shouted at (Y/n) to leave the room as I made my way over to a cabinet at the back of the room. Locking the door behind them, I pulled up a metal stool, Mr. Smith's caregiver taking it. Grabbing an IV kit filled with anesthesia, I slid the needle into his vein. As we waited, I stalled by pretending to look something up on my computer.
"Sorry, it'll just take a minute... I'm having trouble pulling up his file." His caretaker nodded, his eyes focused on his phone screen.
As soon as Mr. Smith's eyes started to flutter closed. I struck. After forcing a scalpel into the side of his body, I took out my personal knife and stabbed him again. Slicing open his stomach in a c-section like manner, I watched as blood pooled out of his body and onto the floor. His caregiver looks up at me, my hands bloody, his client now open. Taking out the knife from his body, I watch as he trips over the stool, stumbling towards the locked door. Twisting the knob frantically, he starts pounding on the door. Quickly I shoved the knife into the nape of his neck, blood getting caught in his throat. With a deep sigh, I cleaned myself off and calmly headed into my office. Luckily, (Y/n) was already waiting there for me, their hands wrapped around themselves.
"Are you alright?" They nodded.
"How is he?" I nodded.
"He's out right now, his caregiver will take care of the rest." They let out a shaky exhale. I let my eyes scan over them. I swallowed, letting myself get closer to them. My fingers slowly danced over the side of their arms, my mouth watering. Letting my fingers grip their sleeves, I pushed myself closer to them. Upon seeing their confused look, I held back. If I don't do this now, I'll never have the chance ever again... Taking out a small syringe from my pocket, I slowly walked behind them, my hand on their shoulder.
Stabbing their arm with the syringe, I pushed the plunger down. Their eyes flutter, confusion and betrayal laced on their features. They stutter struggling to get words out of their pretty little lips. I watch as they drop down to the floor, foam spilling out of their mouth. Kneeling down to their level, I catch their chin between my fingers. Coming closer to their face, I smile. "I realized, without you. I mean nothing. I don't have any purpose in life if it's not to protect you. To show you just how wonderful love can be when done right. I realized how beautiful and addicting it can be." I watched as their body went limp, their eyes blinking up at me.
"I'm devoted to you more than you would ever know in this timeline. You are my deity and I am your most devoted worshiper. I want only to serve you. To be with you. To love you... One day, I know you will love me the same."Â
The old "lip syncing this like a real psychopath/sociopath" trend on tiktok kills me.
I love watching people fight about "oh real sociopaths don't act like that! They have no emotions!" or "Psychopaths don't act crazy like this - then you would recognize them!". Then they go on to make their own one and its full, 100% flat affect.
Haha, no. If I show my flat affect even for a few seconds, the people around me become visibly uncomfortable, like they're listening to a constant dissonant chord. They do everything they can to get away from me. I can't use that to manipulate people (the way they're trying to in those vids).
Sure, flat affect is super useful when I wanna be left alone, and sometimes can get me minor things I want as they just want to Make It Stop (TM) and they don't know what exactly is off, but they know it has something to do with me. However, it is entirely useless any other time.
Most often, I'm not trying to manipulate anyone, which means I'm projecting what's called appropriate affect - aka acting like a normal person, because I don't want my loved ones' skin crawling all the time. If I could safely live speaking in my default (flat affect), I would, but I can't because no one would ever want to be around me. I'm more likely to overshoot emotions than I am to undershoot. One looks like I'm just sensitive, maybe a bit high-strung, but the other makes me appear in the wrong part of the Uncanny Valley.
(Tagging the stigma tags to reach the people who need to understand this most)
here i am to introduce EIGHT characters that i actually thought i had already introduced lmao set me on fire !! but yay, take a look under the cut! ofc eventually proper bios will hit my pages and their tasks will expand much more on my children! as always, pinterests and songs are linked if u wanna go a lil deeper
just kidding i drafted that when i was aCTUALLY gonna do 8 but thankfully tea says she won’t accept me until i post 2 intros so yOU SHALL RECEIVE 2 RN and 8 later <33333 gotta keep y’all on your toes heh also i wrote niall’s in my journal on the plane so like... it’s not great (literally just bullets of sentence fragments) but wtvr that’s what bios are for amirite
NIALL O'DONOGHUE looks an awful lot like TARON EGERTON. HE is TWENTY-EIGHT and while they're ASTUTE, they have a tendency to get pretty ARDUOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to DON'T WANNA FALL IN LOVE by KYLE (ok his pinterest is incredibly unfinished look away)
v conflicting mix of soft and hard
king of suppressing his lowkey intense feelings
kinda awkward around others due to the fact that he spent his entire life reading, writing, and studying –– he rarely interacted with other people as a kid and this mostly continued into his adult life
sweet soft boi has a double masters in medieval and renaissance studies and french and romance philology; he’s working on his phd rn while interviewing to become an assistant professor at kola university
grew up w a single mom (never knew dad) and had no siblings so his childhood was even lonelier :////
so like mad libs = his bff :’(
well mad libs and the shoulder flashlight he invented for late night reading (shoutout to amy santiago)
v soft and passionate heart
loves intellectual discussions like my boi has v strong gemini/virgo/mercury influences –– and a libra (or taurus i haven’t decided yet) venus so waTCH OUT
takes friendship v seriously (love u grant <333 @mcnuggcts )
buttt he can be a giant asshole sorry i don’t make the rules
v organized and particular
and scared of getting close to people bc he’s so used to being alone ugh my son!!
but once you get in there you’ll see he’s a good guy like rlly is he just has a bad temper sometimes and can barely express any emotion but anger half the time :///
ISLA VARGA looks an awful lot like ALEXIS REN. SHE is TWENTY-TWO and while they're SAGACIOUS, they have a tendency to get pretty MACABRE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to COOL GIRL by TOVE LO.Â
so i’ve played isla before n i’m v sorry to do this but i feel hella lazy so i’m sORRY but here comes a fucking huge wall of text don’t look at me and don’t feel like u have to read it ://// all the triggers i tagged apply to her; she’s p dark so seriously do not read it if you think she will make you uncomfortable!!
to preface, isla is like the embodiment of all of the seven deadly sins, and i molded her a lot after amy dunne (scary, i know) and april ludgate (mostly amy tho april is just deadpan like she is –– when she’s being herself, that is), as she is an incredible pococurante yet perfectionist who borders on sociopathy
soooo this will make sense later but her real name is actually brigid (father’s surname idk) which she now uses as her middle name
so isla’s dad is a fucking rockstar !!! badass right. she’s half-siblings with hadley ( @ofadorations ) and colby ( @shtbgs ) but she actually never met her mom, something she’s not too pressed about
bc she was cute as a button, family friends decided to get her into the entertainment business as a child star almost as soon as she could walk –– she did it all, acted, modeled, danced, sang, she was literally hollywood’s little starlet and she hated every minute of it. the entertainment business loved who they created, but that girl was never her and it weighed deeply on her psyche.
when she was twelve, she decided to fake her own disappearance because she was fed up with everything –– she cut her hair to her ears, dyed it brown (and has continued to do so ever since) and sneaked her way to nyc hoping no one would recognize her
well someone did, and they happened to be a member of ruthless and organized mobs of the city –– in return for keeping her concealed, she pledged her devotion and became one of their most skilled and lethal honeytraps in the business (WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE BC THEY MADE HER START YOUNG I AM SO SORRY FOR WRITING THIS IT JUST PLAYS HEAVILY INTO HER CHARACTER)
along the way, members inevitably died –– people she was sworn to care for –– many times before her eyes as well, which only lead her to realize she enjoyed witnessing all sorts of death, even those of people she was supposed to “love”. emotion was almost nonexistent in isla’s childhood, a trait that bled into her character development.
she began to idolize the gang and its power, something she now craved. still, isla was doing a great job of portraying herself to those around her as a rosy, meek, baby-doll, when in actuality she was a child full of hate who would soon blossom into a young adult of the same tone. she became even more obsessed with death, fantasizing about it as if her unusual thoughts would make her less afraid when it came for her.Â
eventually, as she grew older, she was accepted into the higher ranks of the mob; this couldn’t have made isla more content. the macabre girl was honored that someone else noticed her genius, the way she could predict things, assess situations, manipulate people to do her bidding. it was only right that she was initiated into a society that praised her for such harshness
but, as all things do, her time in the gang ended after ten years and isla did what she does best: disappeared. she’s relocated back close to home, kola california, and it’s only a matter of time before people and the industry realize just who she is
if she’s acting like her true self, she behaves like a negative, eldritch layabout who likes to watch others suffer (sounds extreme, i know). however, she rarely lets anyone see the real her, and instead accepts various facades in a big game –– the darkness is truly her personality, she’s not faking her cold demeanor. this image enables her to mask her true potential and the fact that she is unflaggingly loyal and cares about those she’s close to.
if i had to give her a label, it would probably be the pococurante (which is defined as: an indifferent person. possibly they’re bored, jaded or even been hurt. either way, they tend not to get attached to things and don’t show much enthusiasm, whether that’s on the outside or the inside, too)
on the other hand, she could be accurately summed up as an arcane, as she’s an enigmatic mystery and she prides herself on being a puzzle that several people have failed to solve. there are many sides to her personality; in some aspects, she’s very much an aesthete considering she spends a great deal of her time taking putting together outfits, so she has a very defined fashion sense and typically dresses like a princess half the time, which is very ironic considering her dark personality. she truly is so GLAMOROUS (and this is why i love alexis for her) and she works that mean girl, hard soul aesthetic while serving looks and also able to come across as incredibly sweet, which is perfect for her multiple personas. she’s a stunner, with both her appearance and personality; as much as she is indifferent and would prefer to fly under the radar, wherever she goes people always want to ask questions, making her into this intangible concept that everyone wants to define.
all in all, she’s so much of everything that she isn’t quite certain of her own identity. her character is one shrouded in secrets and shadows yet alluring and sensual. but, lbr, most of all she’s just deadass terrifying. one of her defining characteristics is her desire to make things happen for her through her own abilities and determination. obstinate as all get out, she doesn’t like to own up to making mistakes so she tries to prove that she’s almost invincible to them bc she doesn’t wanna let anyone see her vulnerable, or she doesn’t want to let someone down - this refers only to those that she’s actually close to. due to her apathetic nature, all she really wants to do is let most people down – people she finds boring and useless – and have some fun because of it. however, when it comes to people she truly has allowed herself to care about, her deepest desire is for their happiness because they must be pretty damn special for making her give a shit.
still, because of her evasive tendencies, she almost always does ruin things for herself and for others, even when she actually cares. she’s like a double-edged sword; when she finds something worthwhile, she sees so much beauty and potential in it, but she’s got a midas touch. whenever she wants to obtain it or pursue it, her involvement makes everything fall to ashes, and she is afraid of her own influence. despite her tendency to run away, once she latches on and decides to be truly loyal, she’ll be devoted in such an extent that she would undoubtedly kill for them.
she can be a loudmouth whenever she actually decides to speak, constantly fabricating outlandish stories and even going off like a deranged person, but beneath her caustic and frightening exterior, isla is rather pensive. on the occasion that she chooses to offer legitimate advice, it’s usually very elaborate and composed. still, she doesn’t want people to know about capable she is, or how intelligent she can be, so she hides her rare brilliance with a tough exterior and stoic personality.
idk if you can tell but i like diving into the specifics of my character like their star signs and stuff so i searched an amy dunne mbti and tweaked it bc it really helped describe her even further! she’s a intj !
introverted intuition (ni): isla sees everything around her in a world of symbols, of metaphors, and of potential. her narration will continually be littered with predictions, with ideas about how things are going to be and what will result from this or that. despite her brashness that some may assume is impulsivity, she is a planner, anticipating new “problems” and seeking to rectify them with her own twisted brand of justice. she tries to work everything into her overall system of understanding, of her big ideas about how the world works, including her take on her various false identities she possesses for her previous job as an escort but also to mess with the minds of others around her. she’s always disappointed by how the real world is never as good as the way she imagined it; she is perfect and nothing else can catch up with her expectations.
extroverted feeling (fe): despite her aloofness, and rather lack of any sort of emotional bearing, empathy, or any sort of true feeling, isla is conscious of how others’ perceive her, of the image she’s created, and of how key that social perception is to her success, even if it’s just in her own imagination. she restrains her real opinions in order to adapt to her environment, as she’s somewhat of a chameleon, only a few have had a chance to catch the true witch beneath the crown. she’s the mistress of change, easily altering her identities in order to better fit in with new people, should the situation require it. she’s easily devastated when she reveals her real personality to others, as in the past, some that she’s left truly see her have refused to accept her twisted true-self. even though she is wholesomely selfish and self-seeking, isla is very people-focused, and applies most of her intellect and analysis onto general people-based functions, that may she can have the confidence that she has clearly manipulated and analyzed every aspect of her environment, as she needs this to feel in control.
introverted thinking (ti): as mentioned, isla is highly analytical, always trying to see the why of a scenario, what’s behind human behavior, which turns her attention to psychology and manifests in her flair for anticipating the thoughts and actions of those around her; she is so obsessed with understanding why people tick that she looks past her own slighted judgment, as she herself could easily qualify as a sociopath/psychopath. she’s always trying to fit in any new experience, or piece of information, into her pre-established system of facts, and as such is rarely ever surprised. despite her apathy and lack of care for her life or how it progresses, she’s highly organized and loves to make checklists, arrangements for the future, and methodically ticks of her obligations, one by one. while her emotions and feelings are significantly suppressed, and even nonexistent, she makes up for that human trait with a very powerful mind, one that is quick to learn and adept with languages, memorization, and logic. however, she doesn’t want anyone to know just how brilliant and quick she is, as it’s her greatest asset, thus explaining why she chose not to be a member on the intellectual team.
extroverted sensing (se): isla tends to respond her physical environment with fierce analysis, as expressed in her intellectual capabilities. she’s almost incapable of living in the moment, contrary to how people suspect she is, considering she portrays herself as impulsive and cunningly excitable. in reality, though, even when she’s crossed off everything on her checklist, she’s almost incapable of relaxing, or enjoying the world around her, as she doesn’t find things that other people find beautiful. she struggles the most with the physical side of her plans, even though she is a very physical individual. she is very open with her body and indulges with the lusts of the flesh, as she sensuality is at the same level as her wickedness. along with this, isla craves for the environment that houses her figure to be pleasant and organized, and can’t stand when things are out of order.
Aspd culture is: “It’s just a girl harmonizing with her fan” so close! Actually it’s the sound of realizing that I am unable to form a meaningful relationship and that no one will never understand me except another sociopath and then it would it be really true love? I am ultimately destined to be the loneliest animal in the universe, I want to be put down like a rabid dog.
Do you think people with aspd can feel public. Emotions like (sadness) or (happiness) (love) (potentially other that I can’t think of right now) personally I don’t feel thou emotions.
And it leave me confused on this cuz I heard from people with aspd that do feel this think and some don’t
We can’t feel private emotions like guilt remorse  anxiety
But I want to ask you’re opinion on this 
So pwASPD can usually feel the full range of emotions, including happiness, sadness, love, hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, shame, excitement, etc. Some have emotions that are more blunted than others (for example, feeling content is a foreign concept to me specifically), but that is an individual thing. Guilt/remorse are the only exceptions to this. PwASPD almost always have either low or no remorse, but that is the outlier. All other emotions are fair game in pwASPD. The more common thing is that we often do not show said emotions, and we have one emotional state that prosocials don't seem to - true neutral. This isn't being content, I do mean entirely neutral, wherein there isn't any dominant emotion at all. Prosocials tend to pick this up as hostility and intense anger, but it isn't.
I need to be very clear, though. This is not the only emotion pwASPD feel, nor is it the one we feel a majority of the time. Just like prosocials, it is one of the many emotions in the range that we can feel.
The concept of pwASPD not having emotions comes from a mix of our tendency to hide strong emotions (which is a very common trauma response) and the stigmatized term (tw) s*ciop*th. That word has often been associated with "someone who feels no emotions but fakes them well enough that you wouldn't know." However, that term basically has no true meaning and is not a medical term at all (nor is psych*p*th) - it's just an extremely stigmatized term that many pwASPD would prefer not to be used entirely. Basically, the root of the idea of pwASPD having no emotions is in the stigma and ableism associated with ASPD by the public, not by any actual psychology research/professional backing.
/neutral /info
I absolutely don't blame you for being confused, though./gen The public's view on ASPD is extremely warped by ableism, and unless you try very hard, it is difficult for prosocials to not have some of that influence their understanding of ASPD.
Plain text below the cut:
So pwASPD can usually feel the full range of emotions, including happiness, sadness, love, hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, shame, excitement, etc. Some have emotions that are more blunted than others (for example, feeling content is a foreign concept to me specifically), but that is an individual thing. Guilt/remorse are the only exceptions to this. PwASPD almost always have either low or no remorse, but that is the outlier. All other emotions are fair game in pwASPD. The more common thing is that we often do not show said emotions, and we have one emotional state that prosocials don't seem to - true neutral. This isn't being content, I do mean entirely neutral, wherein there isn't any dominant emotion at all. Prosocials tend to pick this up as hostility and intense anger, but it isn't.
I need to be very clear, though. This is not the only emotion pwASPD feel, nor is it the one we feel a majority of the time. Just like prosocials, it is one of the many emotions in the range that we can feel.
The concept of pwASPD not having emotions comes from a mix of our tendency to hide strong emotions (which is a very common trauma response) and the stigmatized term (tw) s*ciop*th. That word has often been associated with "someone who feels no emotions but fakes them well enough that you wouldn't know." However, that term basically has no true meaning and is not a medical term at all (nor is psych*p*th) - it's just an extremely stigmatized term that many pwASPD would prefer not to be used entirely. Basically, the root of the idea of pwASPD having no emotions is in the stigma and ableism associated with ASPD by the public, not by any actual psychology research/professional backing.
/neutral /info
I absolutely don't blame you for being confused, though./gen The public's view on ASPD is extremely warped by ableism, and unless you try very hard, it is difficult for prosocials to not have some of that influence their understanding of ASPD.
First off, you have some *really* inaccurate ideas of what ASPD is. Do you think we can survive in the world acting like you expect me to act? Far more often, pwASPD appear detached and callous rather than actively hostile the way you're saying. We aren't 12 year old kids on Xbox Live voice chat, * s p o o k y voice* we are all around you. You wouldn't be able to pick most of us out of a crowd, even if you had direct interaction with us. In fact, a running joke here and in my real life is that people often tell pwASPD "don't worry, I can sniff out a s*ciop*th a mile away" or similar not realizing they're talking shit about us to our face.
There *are* pwASPD who are still entirely valid who act the way you're saying - and also plenty of prosocials who behave like that too. But it isn't all of us, all the time. Most of us are capable of and maybe even prefer to be cool, calm, and calculated about how we speak and act because of the trauma we have.
Unlike people on TV like Dr. House, there are real life consequences to the behavior you describe, and many of us strive not to be happy, but for life to be as convenient as possible. Kinda hard to get convenience while you're pissing everyone off. Ever heard the part of ASPD where they mention we are manipulative and charismatic? Yeah that isn't exactly compatible with being crass, careless, pranking, or offensive. Careless actually specifically bothers me because we are often said to "play a social chess game" with people we talk to. Many of us are extremely calculating and overly cautious. And many of us aren't, but it certainly isn't like you're saying all the time. Even pwASPD who *do* act like that usually are calm and "respectful" sometimes.
Also, I never claimed to be unmasked on this blog. Most of the time, I am absolutely masking to some degree - although much less than IRL. You can actually see that in the tags, I use "a rare unmasked aspd-culture" as a joke about this fact. Whilst this is a safe place for other pwASPD to unmask if they'd like, my posts on this blog are different. My side of this is helping educate people - prosocial, antisocial, whoever - if/when they have questions for me about ASPD which is fairly frequent. This isn't to say I am not ok with unmasking here, like I said it's happened before, but consider the context of what's happening.
I'm often asked genuine questions about ASPD, some of which are ableist (almost always on accident!) and many of which are based on extremely common misconceptions. If I were to unmask while answering those, I would end up being really shitty to people who are trying to learn - often people who want to do better for the pwASPD in their life, or for themselves. We talk about coping mechanisms and the development of ASPD a lot here; with those topics there is little room for my unmasked behavior *and* education. If I were to unmask while answering, no one would be getting anything out of asking those questions even if I was providing info because it's hard to take in new information from someone when they're being defensive or hostile.
I don't want to be hostile towards them, I want to help because if ASPD is ever going to be destigmatized, someone has got to answer their questions and help show them what it is and what it isn't! We can't expect prosocials to fend for themselves in the cesspool of stigma that the typical google results on ASPD show - someone has to help them. And since one of my special interests (something autistic ppl like myself have and love to infodump about) is mental health, especially my own disorders, I am happy to be one of the people they can ask these sometimes tough questions to.
I am also helping pwASPD! Many questions I get are people trying to understand their own disorder or the disorder they think they might have. It sucked for me, learning this all on my own (and I'm still learning too), so I can use the cognitive empathy I've taught myself over the years and remember the feelings I went through when I was trying to find unbiased info.
There's a transaction here - a major part of ASPD if you didn't know - I calmly and respectfully answer people's questions, and the world becomes slightly less ignorant and we get a slight amount of progress on destigmatizing this disorder. That makes my life easier too. In the process, I see many culture asks that remind me I'm not alone in this. Often, posting those gives me some catharsis, and you will sometimes see me going off in the tags about what I've dealt with. But for the most part, I'm giving other pwASPD an open space to unmask as well as to ask questions to someone who will, 95% of the time, give a masked and respectful answer. Friendly is a stretch tho lol unless you missed the original post about the syscourse that you commented this on.
So yeah, long and short, you're definitely missing something here and that's ok. Just learn and do better. I know you might see that as another thing that is flying in the face of ASPD or whatever, but it's no skin off my back if you think I have ASPD or not, and anyway I'd rather you just learn and maybe next time someone says something like that to/around you about ASPD, you'll have the knowledge to correct it. Spreading info is an exponential situation - once I tell you guys things, some of you will inevitably tell someone else that, and so on and so forth until a good handful of people now know things about ASPD they didn't before. If not, oh well. I got to infodump and see relatable posts that made me feel seen.
Either way, it's been, and hopefully will continue to be, a net positive. You are absolutely welcome to keep this dialogue going if you have questions, want clarification, are enraged that I gave you a calm response, whichever. Even if you don't get anything out of this, someone else seeing it might.
I'll really fuck with you now - I genuinely hope you have a good day.
