it's my birthday, chat.
the big two five, how exciting...... .. .
i honestly thought i was going to kill, get killed, kill myself, or otherwise disappear from life before this point and i'm honestly confused, baffled, and scared as to how to proceed from here.
i never thought when i was 7, 10, 13, 15, that i would even pass the 18 threshold mark of maturity, let alone fucking 25.
i always thought, expected and wanted my life to end way way before this and i'm scared and confused as to why this is occurring. Like. Why is this Happening to Me. why does this have to happen to me?
it's dark in here, this is territory i just expected myself to leave unmarked...
but all at once, at the same time, nothing much is changed. i'm definitely not where someone should be by the time they turn 25. i had to get a GED, this year, i don't have my own place, i don't have my own family unit, i don't have many responsibilities that aren't just helping with other people's. hell, i'm still someone else's responsibility... for now.
nothing in my life's gone quite how it was supposed to, had no supporters that didn't have a limited set of actions ( or just limited themselves ), wasn't quite protected well enough, wasn't quite cared for or loved enough, didn't quite fit in well enough, wasn't quite a good enough person, didn't quite stand up for myself well enough or in a good enough way.
if i were to drop dead today, having made it all the way here seemingly on the wrong path the whole time, I'd probably be pretty mad that all this was for just nothing but fucking around and being incredibly stupid.
... so. i really gotta hope the next twenty five of these are going to finally be it getting better instead. getting better, getting lighter, getting softer, getting warmer. getting healthier, getting sweeter, getting brighter, getting.... better.
i really just want to believe in something other than " the world is a fuck, then you die. ". i just want to make it. i just want us all to make it... no matter Anything.
i know it seems like the world is increasingly getting to being against us, against me, but a girl can dream her life getting better by 45.
... because then, i'll finally be better than my mother.
i mean, the past basically week's been going good so far so, if that's any projection....
if this week has taught me anything, regardless of what i just said about everything...
yea, sure, i guess i'm extremely lovable, wanted, maybe even a bit needed in some regard... i can be loved despite everything, maybe i can even be someone someone wants around.
... maybe. just maybe.
... happy birthday, to me.. i guess yea, i love her too then.
