(james 1/3) i came out to my mom as trans beginning of aug 2016. she's not against it but she hasn't said a word to acknowledge that i'm actually trans. i made it clear i hate being called my birth name and she/her pronouns and she did the typical "it'll take time" but still absolutely nothing has changed -- her fucking computer password is still my birth name. she knows i get bad chest pains from stress and that binding makes it worse (so i can't bind) and she hasn't acknowledged that either
(james 2/3) or ever asked how i feel, if i’m in pain, anything. i feel like it’s my fault for doing something incorrectly when i came out. i hate the fact that she knows i’m trans and has pretty much just ignored me back into the closet and i haven’t come out to anyone else bc i don’t want it to happen again. i can’t talk to her about it bc either i’ll get mad bc all the resentment i have for her or she’ll get mad and defensive and blame it on me. i’ve thought about writing a letter but i never
(james 3/3) learned to express any kind of emotion and it just makes me feel too vulnerable which is already kinda the problem with the whole her-knowing-i’m-trans thing. i don’t know what to do cause i’m just angry and stuck and alone and my depression is back. and on top of it all i’m a hs senior and i feel like the clock is ticking cause i can’t handle going to college without top surgery (cause ya know, can’t bind) and not being out. it all just sucks
I’m so, so sorry that your mom treats you that way. I’m also afab trans and my Dad never acknowledged my gender. That’s a lot of pressure, especially when you’re still in high school and can’t really do anything about what is going on.
Do you have anyone you feel like you can talk to about being trans? Do you feel like anyone else in your family would be supportive, or would they all react like your mom? Are your friends supportive, or are you in the closet with them as well?
I know when you’re in high school, it feels like you have to go straight to college. However, it’s totally okay for you to take your time to get to college. Have you ever thought about taking some time to work and save up money for top surgery before going to college? It can take some time, but your insurance might help you pay for it. That can help with gender dysphoria.
Binding isn’t an option, but have you tried different clothing options to see what can cover up your chest? Jackets are a great way to hide curves and helped me a lot before I got surgery.
I know also almost every state has a pride center filled with resources to help people that are going through, or have been through, exactly what you are going through. Even if they aren’t close to you, you can call them and ask for some resources and ideas for what you can do.
I hope this can help in some way. If nothing else, know you’re not alone, and that there are people out there who have been through what you’ve been through. Hang in there.
