After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a […]
Read it friends. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted to say to that one customer who thinks you’re a parasite just because you’re working behind the counter.
Well, all his posts are like that, but the religious imagery is so funny in this particular post.
“Tom doesn’t want ya to be on your phone when there are customers around.” Oh, really, Patricia? Does Tom like that you set a rotation for waiting tables and you were supposed to get these customers but ignored them and let the second person get them? Does Tom like that I’m third in rotation and there is NOBODY in here other than two people who are drinking wine and talking to the pianist? Does Tom like that I’m being paid $2.00 an hour instead of the $10.00 I was supposed to be paid for the shift he cut from me to wait these stupid tables? Tell me more about what Tom does and doesn’t like, Patricia. Really, I wanna know.
(Patricia, if you see this, this is why I went to the bathroom. To rant about your stanky ass.)
Lots of people believe in the paranormal. Me? I a skeptic about such things. Whenever I see one of those “Ghosthunter” shows on cable I think it’s just a bunch of spurious claims with fast cutaways and screeching music leading into ten minutes of commercials for hair loss fixes, diet pills, fitness gizmos, funeral insurance, diabetes supplies, catheters and cash for structured settlements. Seems their target demographic is a very unhappy lot. But people of all cultures have been seeing ghosts for thousands of years. You can’t dismiss centuries of anecdotal evidence out of hand. Those “pictures” of ghosts are very creepy too. Sure, some are done with photographic trickery, but some defy explanation. So, is there something to ghosts? Maybe.
My personal, lightly researched and highly amateur opinion is that ghosts are shadows in time. While we perceive time as linear (Possibly due to the Second Law of Thermodynamics) physicists have shown us that time is very weird. General relativity shows us our view of “time” is “relative” to our speed and position in Einstein’s “spacetime” universe. And on the quantum level, or impossibly small scales, time devolves into a “foam” of probability or may not even exist in a way we will ever understand. But experiments have shown these theories produce reliable results repeatedly – so something is up. And some scientists even postulate that everything happening in the universe – from the Big Bang to me eating breakfast this morning – is all happening all at once. Everything that has happened or will happened has already happened – we just can’t see it.
Maybe “ghosts” happen when, for whatever reason, the separation between our linear view of view of time and that “Eternal Now” blurs. Remember what Einstein said, “The distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion?” Perhaps for a second, the illusion falters and we catch a confused glimpse of what’s truly happening all around us. Maybe what we’re seeing is just people in that past and future living their humdrum lives. Have you ever noticed how mundane most stories of ghost sightings are? A face in a window, a person walking down a hallway or a person standing in a field? I think you might just be seeing a shadow from another time flickering onto our sense of reality.
But how we react to this possible phenomenon, because it’s so weird, is to freak the fuck out, causing us to unconsciously project our cultural and personal experiences onto the event and conjure up bogeymen and poltergeists. Since humans are hardwired to find patterns, we create stories to make sense of these fleeting experiences. But all it might be is a shadow in time and no cause for fear. It’s just one of those cool things that happen – like rainbows, blood moons, comets and eclipses. Those were once all things that awed and terrified early man too – but now they’re easily explained. Maybe even ghosts will eventually have a rational explanation.
Perhaps the same is true for the experience of “past lives.” I have had the sense I have lived somewhere before or was someone else. Maybe, for a second, my brain perceived the consciousness of another person in the Eternal Now. But humans, being rather self-centered, make it all about them. “I was the King of France!” they’ll say. “I was Joan of Arc!” Hmmm. Rather grandiose don’t you think? Funny how no one says they were a sex slave of Genghis Khan, a member of the SS or a leper in biblical Palestine. I guess that’s not sexy. Maybe it’s just a stray thought from a person living in 1354 popping into our 2018 heads and vice versa. Hey, maybe that explains Nostradamus, Jeane Dixon and the visions of the prophets. Who knows?
“If you buy what Darwin was selling, human beings evolved from lower life forms. As mutations occurred in our mammalian ancestors, any change that gave them a survival advantage got passed on. The seed of consciousness were probably also a mutation that, over time, blossomed into self-awareness. Now. there are many theories as to why this happened. Alien intervention ala Kubrick’s monolith? Or did our earliest ancestors munch on psychedelic plants that could’ve kick-started human consciousness? Maybe the Apple of Eden was just a really awesome shroom.
But we eventually discovered fire and began cooking our food – which helped release more of its nutrients and helped our brains get bigger and more complex. Neurons started linking up and, eventually, after a long period of time, humankind became self-aware. This might not have happened uniformly or in the same way for everybody. There’s a rather far out theory that posits early man’s proto-consciousness might have manifested itself as command hallucinations. “I did this because the gods told me to!” If true, that meant at some point, like homo sapiens living alongside Neanderthals, there were humans with modern subjective consciousness’s living with people who were always hearing voices in their heads. That must’ve been fun but, eventually, what we have today won out.
However it happened, human consciousness and the subsequent arrival of self-awareness gave humanity a massive survival advantage. We began to harness nature to our ends, developed language, art and science and our numbers exploded. But there was a dark side to cogito ergo sum. Unlike lower life forms our newly honed minds began to realize our days were finite. We began to feel anxiety about death – maybe right around the time humans started burying their dead. Consciousness is a two-edged sword. Without it we never would have emerged from our caves and travelled to the Moon. But it also caused us to fear Death and, the desire to hide from or assuage that fear, brought very manner of suffering into the world. We cannot have the good stuff without the bad. Suffering, or more precisely, existential suffering, is the result of self-awareness. Consciousness is a blessing and a curse – it holds us up and pulls us down.
In Greek, the word for sin is hamartia – meaning “failure” or to “miss the mark.” We fall short or rather, do not become who we are truly capable of being. Some philosophers would call this a failure to be authentic. Wrapped up in our fears and everyday concerns, we “harden our hearts,” spiritually ossify and close ourselves off from what is truly possible. And since sin is not just private but communal we also prevent other people from becoming authentic as well or “lead them into sin.” We have all hurt people and held them down. When we think of Death we are forced to reflect on our failures as human beings. No wonder we try narcotizing ourselves with booze, sex, drugs, delusional thinking, power and material things. Who wants to think about that kind of stuff? That causes us to suffer and watch as all our escapist stratagems fail.
...
Humankind is not a finished product. Our consciousness, even though it has released much darkness, is still evolving. Throughout history, philosophers and prophets have arisen to tell us everything is not as it seems – that we are called to be something more. Perhaps they intuited or caught a glimpse of where we’re headed. And I don’t think it’s an accident that most of the world’s religions place such heavy emphasis on helping your neighbor, humility, and showing mercy and compassion. In short, they all talk about love. Perhaps love will be evolution’s Omega Point – a point where our consciousness’s will no longer fear death and we will be freed from its sting. Maybe “God” knew that we had to leave Paradise so we could return to it fully. Then, as Teilhard de Chardin once wrote, “Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.””
[WAITRESS RANT - TABLE 42]: ON TO-GO/CARRY OUT/TAKE AWAY ORDERS
Hey, guys! Been a while since I wrote one of these, but I’m still going strong in the industry. I’m no longer a server as my primary position - I’m the “to-go specialist” or, the person who puts your shit together when you order something take away (or carry-out, or to-go, or whatever your region) five days and nights a week, because I always pull double shifts.
I’ve been working this for a year now, and I’ve got some quick thing I just want to let you know as we really start getting into January. Now you’ll know how to treat a to-go specialist as a person, just in time for Valentine’s Day!
TL;DR: Always tip your to-go person. Be polite and speak clearly. Respect the time it takes to get all your things together and quality check. Don’t order to-go 30 minutes before close. Don’t cut off your server if they’re speaking while you’re placing your order or cashing out. The more things you ask for extra, expect to pay for it. Thanking someone goes a long way.
Just to start this off: ALWAYS TIP YOUR TOGO PERSON FOR PUTTING IT TOGETHER.
Statistically speaking, people tip less often on to-go orders than at a table. That’s why some to-go specialists are luckily paid more in hourly than other servers in some places. This not the case in all places, however.
A togo tip is ALWAYS APPRECIATED, and it will help them make sure your order is correct more often than not. I’ve gotten to know some regular customers in my time, and I recognize certain orders and names when they come in. Servers always remember the shitty tippers and most alter their service accordingly. Anyone who consistently orders a lot of food and doesn’t tip gets remembered twice as fast.
YOU ALSO DON’T HAVE TO TIP THE USUAL 20-15% ON TOGO, EVEN A DOLLAR IS ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE SO FEW PEOPLE ACTUALLY TIP AT ALL.
ALSO DON’T PLACE TOGO ORDERS THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE A PLACE CLOSES. The kitchen already put that stuff away, they already cleaned the grill, and you want this super complicated thing that now they have to take everything out again just to make this one thing after they’ve been dead for hours? What an asshole. Be considerate of the people making your food. If you’re still gonna do it, maybe you work late or you just really want a sandwich, at least tip.
Now that we got that out of the way...
PLACING AN ORDER TOGO - Want to make it easy on your server on the other end of the phone or looking at your order when it pops up on the monitor online? I’m sure you do!
If calling it in, be polite and speak clearly. The server is taking your call in the middle of the lunch rush in a loud kitchen. Give them clarity, and your order will be just fine.
If placing an order online, have as few of modifications as possible - modifications are anything from “extra sauce” to “no marinara sauce, sub salsa, no sour cream, light seasoning on the steak” - your server is probably squinting at a screen above their natural eye level, and it is increasingly harder to read your mods the more you add. They’ll do it, but don’t be too upset if they missed one.
ON BIG ORDERS, TYPICALLY ANYTHING MORE THAN FOUR ENTREES: Some doctor offices and lawyer firms like to order several people all at once. That’s fine and all, just call it in at least an hour or two in advance, and give the server a little longer than the estimate to get it together.
If they say 45 minutes, they really mean an hour. If they say 20 minutes, they really mean 30 minutes. Most of the time, they’re secretly hoping you’re late to pick it up so they have more time to gather all the little things you need for seven people all asking for extra sauces, no bleu cheese, ranch instead of honey mustard. It can be a lot of things to remember and get right, so please have patience.
WRITING NAMES ON THE BOXES TAKES TIME AND IT WILL MAKE YOUR ORDER TAKE LONGER AS A GENERAL RULE AS THEY MAKE SURE JANET KNOWS HER SALAD FROM MARTHA’S SALAD, EVEN IF THEY LITERALLY ORDERED THE SAME THING.
ASKING FOR DISCOUNTS - Got a coupon? Mention it at the beginning of your order. That might determine how they have to enter it into the computer, or have a manager discount it at a certain point. Mentioning it sooner makes it easier for them to react to and have it applied accordingly.
WHEN IT COMES TO FREE STUFF YOU DIDN’T INITIALLY ORDER AND THEN ADD ON AT THE END: Such as asking for a drink when you didn’t order one and getting mad if they ring you up for it... please don’t do that. Please. It is a horribly awkward situation for your togo server, as they don’t want to ring you but they kind of have to and they don’t want to face your wrath because you have to pay for something when they totally want to just give you the drink most of the time. Which leads us to...
IF YOU ASK FOR IT, EXPECT TO PAY FOR IT. Your to-go specialist isn’t paid enough to deal with the ear chewings on inventory if their boss finds out they gave you extra rolls when you weren’t charged for them. Those loaded mashed potatoes you ordered may not actually have loaded as an option for them in the computer, and they have to do some wonky computer trick that charges you 0.99 because you asked for it and they gave it to you.
Sometimes only a certain amount of sauce comes with a thing, and if you ask for extra, you will get charged.
If you ask for a sauce that doesn’t normally come with the thing you’re ordering, you will be charged.
Extra sauce is usually charged, and if a place doesn’t charge you for extra consider it lucky.
CHARGING YOU FOR THINGS YOU ASK FOR IS BECAUSE OF MANAGEMENT, NOT BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIKE YOU OR BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU ASKED FOR, JUST SO YOU KNOW. If someone you know thinks this way, please show them this content so they can read it from someone livin’ the life on the other side. I don’t mind getting extra stuff for people, but it causes me anxiety when it’s a certain type of thing I have to put in the computer or the kitchen won’t handle it at all.
LET THE SERVER FINISH THEIR SPIEL. Hey, maybe someone never taught you right and you literally don’t know any better, but just to let you know now: cutting people off when they’re in the middle of speaking is rude and an awful thing to do to anyone! This counts for to-go people too! Let them finish what they’re saying! Yes, you may have heard it a thousand times. Yes, you may even know what they’re going to say because you’re a regular and you know the script. Yes, they have to introduce themselves and the place you’re calling, and yes they have to rattle off to you to have a nice day and so on, but let them finish! It is so rude to have this conversation:
[AFTER THEY HAVE TOLD ME WHAT THEY WANTED]
ME: Alright, that will be about 15-20 minutes, and I will se --
RUDE MOTHERFUCKER: OKAY GREAT.
*CLICK*
and you’re me, and you’re just like, BRO I WASN’T FINISHED TALKING YOU PIECE OF WET FUCK and suddenly I am less motivated to make sure your order is correct or go the extra mile for you in any way because you were such a rude, inconsiderate phone call.
Sometimes you don’t even get that much and they hang up on you before you can even tell them where to go to pick it up. That’s significant because some places have special pick-up counters or windows you have to navigate to deeper into the establishment.
THANK YOU IS A MAGICAL PHRASE. So many people are ungrateful assholes. Saying thank you to the to-go person is another small way to treat them as a person.
★★★★★ Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip-Confessions of a Cynical Waiter by Steve Dublanica (The Waiter)
“According to The Waiter, eighty percent of customers are nice people just looking for something to eat. The remaining twenty percent, however, are socially maladjusted psychopaths. Waiter Rant offers the server's unique point of view, replete with tales of customer stupidity, arrogant misbehavior, and unseen bits of human grace transpiring in the most unlikely places. Through outrageous stories, The Waiter reveals the secrets to getting good service, proper tipping etiquette, and how to keep him from spitting in your food. The Waiter also shares his ongoing struggle, at age thirty-eight, to figure out if he can finally leave the first job at which he's truly thrived.“
First things first,
if you aren't a server and never have been, this book probably - in all honesty - isn't for you.
I can see some people reading this and being annoyed with the author's tones and opinions. It isn't until you've been placed into the situations and environments that he describes that you can appreciate and laugh at what he's saying. Otherwise this book would be... average, at best. That's how I see other people seeing it.
As a server of nearly six years, I thought this book was hilarious. I've been in so many similar situations and had the author's exact same thoughts! Call it server humor.
The Waiter writes with polished and professional vocabulary and structure. It is honestly written very well. It flows perfectly and didn't get too slow for me at any point.
That being said, the waiter/author/main character of the book does come across as arrogant at times. I didn't agree with everything he said but 97% of his musings were agreeable. He also got personal and shares life experiences, existential anxiety, and career cluelessness and I related really well to him.
Not everyone is going to like this book. Some people will love it. I did.
Genre: Non-fiction memoir Summary: Waiter hopes writing will free him from having to wait tables Rating: 2/5 Review: I felt a bit deceived by this book. I felt there was going to be a never ending …
Here is my review for Waiter Rant. Should have called it Reviewer Rant.
Challenge Your Shelf: A Character That Makes You Laugh I don't often laugh when reading, unless I'm reading nonfiction. As a long time member of the restaurant life, The Waiter made me laugh.
