I sometimes wish that I was more âinâ fandom like I used to be with Glee, where I had a posse and wrote fic and was pretty much just... constantly around yelling at people and being yelled at and yelling about everything. Lots of yelling. It was Glee fandom after all.Â
But as much as I like things (I often REALLY LIKE things) nothing has really... enflamed me, reached out and yanked my heart out of itâs chest and demanded that I interact with it the way Glee did. I got into Glee fandom when I was traveling for a year with my family, half a world and many hours away from anyone else I knew in real life. As is the by now old story, I didnât have friends in the physical world, so I developed friendships in the online world. This kept going even after I came back from traveling, when I went to college. But after Glee, I drifted away from directly interacting with fandom. I still do sometimes, such as when I leaped into @wellntruly DS9âČs fandom. But itâs no where to the level I was before, and I donât often do things like that anymore. Similarly to how after college, I drifted away from people there. I still talk to some, I still sometimes do alumni things, but itâs not my life anymore. Itâs not that it wasnât important, and that I didnât love so many parts and people from it. But it was a part of my life that is over now, even as I still keep an eye on them sometimes.
I havenât even really watched Glee since it stopped. It was a special, perfect thing for me at that time. Thereâs a part of me thatâs afraid that it wonât hold up if I watch it again, that I wonât like it anymore. That I wonât watch it and have it grab my whole heart in itâs perfectly imperfect hands.
Iâm not sure what this is. I just, for some weird reason, decided to go back through my rainbowrites tag to see old conversations and remembered all over again how much Glee fandom meant to me. How those friendships buoyed me when I was down, intrigued and inspired me, and over all developed me as a person. I learned so much. About how to analyze shows and also how to just lean back and let the story enchant you motherfucker. About lives and situations and perspectives other than my own. About history and feminism and queerness and disability. About writing and editing and characters and stories. About how to think. About me. I
I guess this is a bit of a wistful love letter to the person I was then, and the show and fandom that meant so much to me. Iâm not that person anymore, but I wouldnât be the person I am NOW without them. I sometimes wish I was still that person, still had that drive and connection to fandom. But overall I like being a bit more of a lurker now, content to just enjoy things without saying too much about them. Maybe that will change. Maybe it wonât. But for now, I like who I am, both in the internet and physical world. And part of who I am now is all the people who helped make me along the way. So....
thanks guys <3 youâre amazing
particular shout outs to @luckyjak @sarahexplosions @mzminola @penroseparticle @into-the-weeds @soundingonlyatnightasyousleep @multsicorn @hedgerose @wintercreek and a million others. I originally didnât tag you but I do want to throw my love not into the void but actually AT YOU so <3 Thanks