#xiv rambles

[ectojyunk]

hehe... love the theories the caption is getting! If you guys want to know my own, it's that Zenos was supposed to be a Minfillia-esque conduit for Hydaelyn to sabotage Emet's empire. It uh... didn't work out.

[shiawasekai]

I finally got around making changes to my ffxiv's kitchen with the new furniture.

Yes, I know the house is dark. I play with a race that's explicitly nocturnal by nature and prone to photophobia

[system-of-a-feather]

To preface this, this is not at all meant to be a response, retort or anything to the post on this topic that had us internally talking about it and quite frankly, that post is fair and they have a right to say it, so our direct commentary on that will end there

But when the topic of "unforgivable parts" come up, Riku and I always look at one another and go ".... ehhhh" and have a short sentimental giggle cause as far as parts doing horrible shit to another, we both have piles of dirt on the other that we wouldnt be wrong at all for being angry at each other about. I'm a lot more of a typical sounding "ex persecutor" (I dont ID with the term because I dont agree with the term as a role in the first place beyond system community common verbage) but a case could be made that Riku was by far a worse one - a thing theyd admit. The whole dynamic of ours is why we threw the role "persecutor" out the window and changed it to "persecutory behavior".

But anyways, we really fucked eachother up pretty bad and as far as other "persecutory" parts go, we've had some really really shitty internal interactions, one of which can be partially "blamed" for the reason "Riku" as a part is a subsystem - but honestly? I don't think our system has ever found something that was "unforgivable" if solely on the account that there really doesn't seem to be anything that we could do to one another that would allow us to foster that sort of self hate at this point in our healing as a system.

That being said, not all systems are equipt to handle the more extreme persecutors, not all systems are able to hold the understanding that even their most "atrocious parts" are still them, and just in general, the mind set is not practical or fit for every system in every situation and while theoretically you shouldnt force persecutors silent or whatever, chasing theoretical ideals when living as a system is honestly how you probably ended up with DID.

The need to live to a theoretical healthy standard and best practices is good and important to keep in mind, but you have to leave space for the reality of the moment as well as the genuine experiences that come with it and work with what you genuinely can give at the moment. Trying to work above that, 9/10 pushes and reinforces an EP/ANP divide that is foundational in DID so its important to learn to accept that while you know the theoretical healthy and best thing to do, from time to time you have to accept that you AREN'T perfect and can't live to an ideal perfect standard of healing and that you first have to focus on the reality of your moment and what you can bear right now.

You are allowed to experience your mental illness as a mental illness and honestly, people who criticize you healing "imperfectly" really need to focus on themselves and their own life rather than people on the internet (exceptions apply imo but thats another topic)

... lol this post went an entirely different way than I intended, cause I was originally planning on talking about persecutors and the nuances of their behavior as I'm our systems "persecutor wrangler" but I think what ended up being said is more important anyways lol

Anyways, thats my gym cardio ramble of the day.

[anneapocalypse]

You'd think I would miss the playable romances moving from Dragon Age to FFXIV but I honestly don't. Probably because I've always had no problem filling in the blanks in my imagination, but also... I mean, I love the DA romances, it's always fun playing through them and they show you a different angle on the character and it's still my goal to eventually play them all. But there's also a certain freedom in not being locked into a specific path or a specific dynamic written into the game. (Of course we're always free to headcanon and create whatever we like, but the canon romances still lead us in a certain direction and there's a reason those romances dominate the fandom.)

In particular I've been thinking about this as I've been contemplating the potential for Ariane/Urianger because in a playable romance you don't tend to get a long slow burn, except maybe by accident with something like Mass Effect where Kaidan/M!Shep wasn't included until the third game so you can imagine those feelings to have been simmering for a long time. But in general the game starts tossing flirt options at you pretty early on, and unless you look it up, you don't know how many you can miss before getting locked out, which is how you get painfully hilarious scenarios like Shepard taking command of the Normandy and immediately hitting on their subordinates, or Hawke hitting on Anders two minutes after his boyfriend has died, or the Warden jumping into bed with Zevran approximately five minutes after he attempted to assassinate them, or the Inquisitor flirting with people who are basically holding them captive. And we find ways to have fun with all those scenarios, but they still shape the romance in a certain way.

And there's a freedom to imagining the shape of a relationship from scratch without those guiderails. One isn't better than the other, they're both fun in their own ways. I'm just enjoying where I am right now with Ariane and shaping her relationships where my imagination takes me.

[system-of-a-feather]

Also a lil more elaboration on this post from the OG guy in the system who talks this shit but it's also important to know when adopting radical self acceptance is that being a fucking idiot and a coward and crap literally has no inherent "oh Im a good or bad or cool or lame" person on it's own

Literally everyone is stupid in their own way and literally everyone has the things they are scared to deal with and face from time to time. I'm a part very dissociated from the concept of fear and my brain converts it fast to other shit, but I do fear letting myself down - both as a part and as a part ofba system - and doing harm by the few I deeply respect; momentarily I am prone to being scared of having my shit taken - trauma crap

That shits literally normal, being scared of shit is literally a completely normal and natural thing across almost all animal species (some argue all). There is no personal judgement attached to literally any feeling on its own.

The difference is whether you can look at that feeling and say "damn I'm scared and that a sucks ass feeling" and actually accept, address and deal with that feeling - or if you are going to deny-deny-deny.

And that isn't to say "Oh you are a stupid coward for wanting to deny it" because again, it is OK to admit you are scared and not ready to deal with something. That takes huge fucking balls to admit. If you aren't ready to deal with it, cool man that's fine, but do take a moment to actually affirm that with yourself - that CURRENTLY in the moment you are not ready to deal with it.

That is not "running away from it like a coward" that is acknowledging the truth of your current state and leaving space for it.

If you can get comfortable admitting that you are too scared to do something right now, you are inherently - in subtext - letting yourself know that 1) you accept that you are scared and it is a real thing about you that you are willing to embrace but also 2) that as much as that is a truth of your current state, that it is just that - a current state.

There literally is no shame or inherent judgement to be found in a feeling alone. Feelings alone don't mean shit. Feelings alone LITERALLY don't mean SHIT. It's how you handle and act in regards to them both internallyvwith yourself and externally with others that determines if you are being cringe (derogatory) or cringe (affectionate) and sorry not sorry, every action you do there will be someone who thinks you are cringe so theres no escaping being cringe WHILE being your authentic self.

Anyways, building radical self acceptance is a hard thing to do so I got mad respects for anyone building it. Most of the system doesn't get it yet either and so I get how hard it is and all.

I actively basically bully and harrass Riku about it 24/7 7 days a week 52 weeks a year for the past 3 years until they get it into their dumb skull. And while I call them a fuckin dumbass, I am pretty proud of how casually and readily they have learned to admit when they are being "a coward" which is easier verbage for them than outright saying "scared" which I'll take.

But honestly, get in touch with your vulnerable "not cool" parts of yourself that you are embarrassed about and just get used to stating it as it is. Those vulnerable and embarrassing aspects are only as embarrassing and insecure as you let them be. If you hide them and try to keep people from seeing it, of course you are going to feel scared to let others see it, of course you are going to feel insecure, and of course you aren't going to be confident when anything relating that comes up out of fear of your insecurity showing.

It's self assassination honestly. Judging your emotions and internal experiences like they mean anything other than a reflection of your current self and what you need us just not productive.

But I digress. Its a complicated and difficult thing to build and work on and itll always be more nuanced and specific to the individual than I can ever chart out in a casual ramble on some of my life philosophies and principles on shit.

So take home message? Try to stop judging your feelings and just, ya know, have them. They may suck but its just how it is in the moment and the moment can always change.

[system-of-a-feather]

Other Side to Body Memory

I wouldn't be shocked if I wrote something about this a year ago cause I used to think about it a lot more actively when I had first started Wing Chun since Wing Chun highly emphasizes this concept in relation to learning and fighting, but I was thinking about it and if I did, I'm going to rehash it with a year more of sitting on it

But in a lot of PTSD spaces, "Body Memory" I feel is a term a lot of survivors and peers say with at least a mild sigh or disdain as most of the time we talk about body memory in the haunting sensations, feelings, and trauma that the body holds which sometimes is even more deeply ingrained and seared into our memory than our conscious "mental / psychological" memory (for a lack of better words at the moment)

Body memory is often talked about as a symptom, a problem, an inherent trauma aspect, and that is totally normal, valid, and honestly correct - but a perspective and opinion I live by and have spent over a year pleading (more accurately shoving, but ya know the saying) my case to the system, but Body Memory isn't ONLY a symptom or trauma aspect, its a COMPLETELY normal and adaptive feature of the human and most complex organism's body and survival mechanism grown over years to deal with stimuli that is either abstract, fast, or complex of a "calculation" to consciously run.

Body memory in regards to trauma sucks fucking ass, but its important to remember that while there is a trauma aspect / dysfunction / problem to it that can bring feelings of pain and triggers and flashbacks - body memory, even with people with trauma, still probably serves a very unrecognized function in day to day life. You ride a bike easily because of it. You pet your dog without hurting it because of it. You can bite hard enough to bite a carrot but you can't bite hard enough to break your finger. While its not as obvious or seen, body memory - and your body - works every day to keep you safe and functioning and it does deserve that acknowledgement, even if some days - maybe even most days - it throws haunting pain.

That's just to say that your body isn't your enemy - even if it might feel like it. Your body is doing the best it can. It's your friend, it just sometimes struggles to understand how to use some of the things it's learned in a way that helps as it too is likely overwhelmed with what had happened.

And once a relationship with your body goes from "not enemy" to "struggling friend" you can really start to think about ways to work with your body, with your friend, to help both you and it out. Your body is extremely smart and a fast learner, for better or worse. It literally "calculates fucking physics and predicts" how much force to move XYZ and do all sorts of shit just to allow you to walk and not break everything both in your body and not. It won't talk to you like an alters does (unless you have a manifestation of that in your system) but it is probably by far the smartest part of your existence. It does however, depend on what you feed it, how you interact with it, and shape it's memory and how much you engage with it's sensations.

Back to the first paragraph, Wing Chun is heavily based on teaching your body - particularly your hands - to recognize how the touch of another person's body moving in a fight. It encourages a lot of keeping your hands on primary offensive / defensive parts of the body of the opponent at all times (wrists, arms, elbows) so that the body can constantly stay in contact and feel the opponent as they flex and twitch every so slightly - then training it how to respond to each movement with a counter and a strike. Very little of it's actual practice is cerebral past the training because much of any thinking is done by the body. A large part of training is regularly drilling and often times you are encouraged to chat and be distracted while drilling so that you can turn your brain off and let your body do what it does best and respond. It helps you build speed and response after you've made sure you are teaching it the right moves.

After a while, your body learns to break grabs, block, trap, and strike back without it ever properly registering in your brain to do so and the only switch you have to actually flip is "do I actually want to hit by stepping in to make my strikes reach, or do I maintain the distance since this is just sparring"

Before Wing Chun I largely trusted my instincts and my body because that is largely how I survived - I've been fighting and going with my body's instincts since we were young so the body memories I have from trauma have served me far more than they've hurt me, but after Wing Chun it really instilled this principle of conscious trust and awareness of my love and trust in my body to a new level.

My body is 5000x smarter than I could ever be, and its 5000x faster at making critical decisions than I will ever be and so long as I nurture it, it is always going to be my best ally. I don't need to worry about someone jumping me, not only because I can kick ass, but because my body is well trained to respond to threatening invasion of my personal space. I don't need to worry or stress about my ability to drive or respond to a dangerous unexpected situation like a crash or a crazy driver while driving because I trust that my body knows how driving feels and how to maneuver a car appropriately. I don't have to worry about if I know how to play a scale on the guitar how have to worry beyond originally learning the technique - cause thats something my body is better at learning, recalling, and doing.

I have a stupidly huge fucking ego and I do think I'm better than everyone in the system in 90% of all metrics (the elders will kill me for that but bitch theyd have to fight me first) but the only thing that I can say I genuinely respect the expertise of more than my self in 90% of realms is the body that we share. That shit while having not the best judgement on what is helpful in the long run, keeps us alive and functioning on the daily, hourly, very second to second of life and through some of the most mild threats to the largest threats were able to make fast short term decisions and calculations to keep us alive.

That bitch might sometimes need someone to curate the content it consumes and learns from, but that bitch is a fucking survivalist BEAST and god damn does it have my warriors bond and respect so god damn will I curate that survivalist to be the god damn best AND societal functioning survivalist I could give.

That bitch is my evolutionary horned over three billion years knife against the rest of the world. I don't CARE how much of a badass and combat bitch I might be, I can not beat Over Three Billion Years of Evolutionary Selection for Survival in being good at living. I'll treat that bitch likes its a god damn three billion dollar knife or sniper or whatever. It's my precious and most valuable asset in my collection of weapons and skills.

TLDR: Body Memory isn't inherently only a negative symptom / experience and while it can be hard, your body can be your god damn best friend if you nurture a relationship with it.

Post Script: If Riku is willing / has the time / sees this it would be kinda funny and helpful if you took this post and translated it from "XIV-ese" to whatever functioning language you use on this blog to actually make good self care / self help posts cause I think I did a functional job but I also know saying "that bitch" at our body 20x is off to say the least 😂

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly I think a thing a lot of people lack when engaging in discourse and honestly complicated conflict and bad blood rooted communication with anyone (past abusers, codependent relationships, internal interactions with persecutory parts etc) is a really low grasp and awareness BEFORE HAND of what they value most and what is at the heart of what they need to be said and understood - and as a result the point of arguing and discussing fets warped around in 5000 only semi-related arguments and people - rooting their need for another topic - feel the need to double down on less important points in displaced fear of forfeiting what actually matters to them

Going into an interaction where the history is less than stellar and knowing and clearly seeing what actual hurt / anger you hold and where it stems is really important to actually having productive conversation / discourse, keeping the topic focused, and giving yourself the room to compromise WITH the other person should they also be willing to compromise.

This came to mind with the whole tulpacourse on my personal blog cause really, I value anti-racism far more than any inherent hard stance of terminology or thr group and should there be a good and genuine proposition to apply anti-racist ideology without changing terms that was actually worth giving the benefit of doubt, I'd be open to overlooking even the term discourse. To me the term is a representative of the problem, an obvious and easy starting point to make amends, but if there is an alternative to make the core thing I value (anti-racism) work that works better and more practically, I'd be willing to throw out my complaints and - given the change is actually made and followed through - completely ally myself to them on a good faith to good faith exchange.

It's why I'm generally pro-endo. I don't know shit on it, but the endo community gave us the good faith in listening to our hurt and anger about cultural appropriation and in turn, I am choosing to seperate those that have given good faith as "endos" and just shitty people as shitty people. The endo community is due good faith from me that should it be kept, my good faith will be returned to my less-informed self.

But even beyond syscourse and online discourse, this is largely how I deal with persecutors in the system and why Im a resident persecutor wrangler. I know what is and isnt negotiable and I know they are people and parts that need something themselves otherwise they would not be voicing their needs. Its a matter of helping them pinpoint what they need and then figuring out a way to have both of our needs met that we can typically defuse them.

Of course not everyones needs are compatible and that is where it is easier irl than within the system as - for irl people - you can just choose to not engage with them, block them, cut them off, ignore them etc which you really cant do as healthily within a system, but ya know, sometimes people really aren't compatible and while that usually is a matter of "unfortunate" luck...

I really don't feel unlucky OR unfortunate to say I am not compatible with racists - especially sinophobic racists - as a Chinese POC myself.

[system-of-a-feather]

(Rambling on our System Dynamics)

It's kind of funny to say, but our system literally isn't doing any targetted system / DID work in therapy and havent since like, November 2022. Having hit functional multiplicity and having established an incredibly self reliant and internally strong dynamic with one another, we really have no need to specifically work ON our DID and rather just need to work WITHIN our DID. Our current (and technically old) therapist is trained in dissociation, but compared to our previous therapist who was a dedicated specialist, he is far more generalized and better for helping us in life and so that is what we've been doing for the past eight months.

Beyond context of the side fact that we live "as multiple people" and have a unique way of having to navigate our mental health and life as being many parts, we really don't think, talk or work specifically on DID and its really not something we really actively consider with how much of it just "is" part of our life.

We still do have PTSD and all, but a lot of the shit we've been through has been satiated or honestly healed over that we don't regularly have large scale symptoms unless we specifically sit on it. We are much more concerned with our day to day life, gender shit, adjusting to full-fledged full-time adulthood and figuring out what we want to do with our fully fledged and finally free wingspan that all of the DID stuff is feels a lot like talking about living as a brunette or some shit.

Honestly a lot of it stems to just kind of going back to square one with DID and going back to really just.... not fixating so much on the details of it and learning to be comfortable focusing on day to day life as your various selves and leave the internal shit to whatever goes on there, cause honestly - you lived and survived not knowing of it or not being overtly / constantly aware of it before figuring it out, and while it is important to approach it in the right way because often back then there were issues that could be addressed, you can go back to just living life and letting the DID exist in and around it - it just takes a lot of learning to self trust

Like I'm pretty sure its apparent from this blog, but all of us just kind of exist and do our own thing and while its undeniable that we have DID (I mean look at Riku and I) and that is obvious and overt in this blog, we aren't really frequently too hung up on the "Oh wow" and "Oh no"s of DID.

Like yeah we probably have a butt fuck ton of trauma holders and fragments we aren't aware of, yeah we have a whole side system probably that we don't know of, but they are both 1) dormant and 2) something our system can very easily handle and deal with regardless of how bad it is because the parts that keep an eye on those parts are chill and we have a way of doing things and experience of doing things that just work.

We also have basically thrown out most role labels save for Host, Gatekeeper, and Trauma Holder unless its for communications sake cause those are the only real big information defining terms really. Riku and I play roles as large caretakers and protectors as do almost every part because thats kinda just how we've fostered trust and care with one another.

It's not really a "role" anymore to be a caretaker or a protector cause its not a job or anything anyone is assigned to do or anything. We don't protect or care for eachother as an internalized job or function or anything, we do it cause we can and someone we care about needs it.

The labels really just don't make sense for us at this point anymore and honestly, in hindsight, I think they pushed a sense of learned helplessness for Riku and other "protected" parts and pushed burnout for the parts doing the protecting (also Riku ironically)

Riku doesn't need protecting anymore than anyone else on a day to day and when they do need protecting, they don't need it in any unique manner than anyone else in a hard time. I don't need someone coddling my emotions and telling me what I feel and comforting me on a day to day more than the average person, and when I do need some emotional support - it again isn't anymore than any other person who needs help in a hard time.

Likewise Lucille isn't someone who doesn't need someone to watch his back and protect him sometimes cause he isn't this special diety that can fix everything, he's a guy and thus why he has Ray covering his back. Ray is our FBI agent Omnipotent God Gatekeeper and he likes to look like he can fix everything but its a fucking meme in the system how the dude is always like one precise poke away from being a mess which is why Lucille has to cover his back.

Like everyone in this system is Just A Guy even if they aren't Just A Guy cause we are all fucking stupid and amazing in extreme and astounding ways. All of us are stupid on our own and need care and protecting from time to time in unique ways and the COOL thing is that we are all stupid in different ways so theres always someone to cover for the other.

We long long long since threw out primary protector, that hierarchy was stupid and led to conflicts with Aderis and Lucille. Then we just threw out caretaker and protector cause everyone is one.

Like honestly, I feel a lot of those roles add social status and class to a system which - if you know me - I fucking hate that shit and I think we should all just give what we can and take what we need as we need it. Assigning anything but the bare necessities that serve to describe unique responsibilities FOR the whole is just a lot of excess and extra shit.

Host - A leading part that fronts regularly and is responsible for guiding the system to a life that is good for the whole

Important due to the fact that his takes up a lot of energy and time and limits the amount of internal attention can be put to the system + lack of "RAM" to actually juggling the deep intricacies of DID; Designated Leading Role

Gatekeeper - A part responsible for Information TM

Important because they Do Things and Manage Things and are the Things tying the system together to keep shit stable

Trauma Holder - Not actually a role but a notation label to notate a part that needs particular consideration when being interacted with - similar to a "disability" label

Important because this label distinguishes parts that need special accommodation beyond the reflexive base line and would benefit from having a mentor to go to when trying to learn to reintegrate back into life and develop themselves beyond their trauma

And for the record - since someone might look at our definition for trauma holder and compare it to us saying that no part has unique need to be cared for or protected in our system - "trauma holder" does not inherently mean "need to be protected and cared for" - I'm a trauma holder and that's not a label I've outgrown despite also being a 'mentor' (anyone who hangs around a trauma holder in a dynamic where they might be a mentor - this is not a permanent role) role for other trauma holders. It means that other parts need to make accommodations for me to help enable me to do my best job and work in the system which those accommodations primarily are minding my triggers. Same thing applies for Aderis who is an "Elder" (I guess that's a "role" we use, but its more so a nickname for the parts that have a lot of experience as old-in-day protectors that have been around for a while).