— you are my sunshine, sakusa kiyoomi
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sakusa kiyoomi x anorexic!reader
**TRIGGER WARNINGS: EATING DISORDER (anorexia), slight nsfw (light petting with no penetration, NC16 at most?), swearing PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU MAY BE TRIGGERED BY THE ABOVE TOPICS. please exercise some self-care and enjoy some of our other fics instead! we'll see you in our next post <3
a/n: i really NEEDED TO do this. doing this for my sanity 😭😭😭 - yves
content under the cut!
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," you sang as you drove along the expressway.
"You make me happy, when skies are grey," Sakusa, comfortably seated in the passenger seat, sang in response. He gently squeezed your thigh.
You let out a breath with a smile on your face. That day was an exciting day for the two of you. It was the match between the MSBY Black Jackels and Schweiden Adlers, and Kiyoomi had been a ball of nerves for the past week. So to show your support, you decided to drive your dear passenger princess, Sakusa Kiyoomi, to the Kamei Arena Sendai Gymnasium.
You had spent half a day at the office and the other half dolling yourself up for the match that evening. Kiyoomi frowned at the sheer effort you had put into looking good for him at the match. He grunted out something along the lines of "getting distracted by how pretty Y/n is" and how "You have to be less pretty or I'll have to learn how to fight with my bare fists". You laughed at the thought of your husband trying to smash someone's jaws with his fists when he hated any physical contact with strangers.
After kissing him goodbye at the back gates leading to the MSBY locker rooms, you went to the Ladies and touched up your lipgloss infront of the mirror. As you looked at your reflection, you thought to yourself, maybe I do look good.
Ding!
From: MSBY girlies + Keiji <3
Miyu (Atsumu's GF) [6.43pm] Y/n pookiee~ Are you here yet?
Keiji (Bokuto's fiance) [6.44pm] We're at the VIP section, Row 1. The security guard knows who you are so he'll show you the way in later. You sure you don't want us to come find you?
Kira (Meian's wife) [6.44pm] ahhh can't wait to see you, Y/n! XD
You smiled as you read their messages.
You [6.45pm] I'll be alright, thanks! I'm heading up right now Excited to see you guys too :>
They had been planning to sit together since the start of the new season, after Kiyoomi had formally introduced you to the rest of the team.
As you reached the VIP area, you immediately regretted agreeing to sit with them. Your self-esteem shattered the moment you saw them.
They were drop-dead gorgeous, with their perfect makeup, in their perfect outfits that hugged them in all the right places. They looked straight out of a fashion magazine. It was something about how feminine they looked, and the way they all smiled sweetly when they saw you. So inviting and loving. They were the boys' partners after all.
But they've got to have flaws, right? That's only human.
Their smiles felt genuine, and you could see glimpses of their partners in them. Some were rowdy, hugging you when they saw you and treating you like one of them. They asked you questions about yourself, even getting drinks and snacks for you and including you in the post-game party at Bokuto's place. For a moment, you felt like one of them.
But how can a whole group of people be so damn perfect?
God, how you hated how inferior you felt. The differences between you and them became even more apparent when you saw the post-game pictures that had posted on Instagram. You had only gotten their Insta handles just a day before and were already on the verge of unfollowing.
It was insane how out of place you felt as they sat there so pretty in just their partners' jerseys. Somehow, they still managed to look so good. Unlike you.
Eventually, your brain churned out only one reason - it all came down to how small and delicate they looked compared to you.
How they looked worthy to be the lovers of the MSBY players. How they were pretty enough to be their partners.
It was crazy enough that you were comparing yourself to the Akaashi Keiji. How alluring he was, even just sitting in the same area as you. He was even more beautiful up close, there was something deep within his psyche that was so magnetic. It was evident that he took care of himself, with how his dress shirt clung to his thin waist. You can't help but admire him, and you wondered if your own clothes would ever do you the same favour.
If only you had a waist as small as his.
It scared you how the need to fit in with them became so acute. The hopes of not being the laughing stock of the group fueled the waves of self-hatred that you hadn't felt since high school. You were bullied for being chubbier than average. Teenagers were brutal, especially to anything they perceived to be different.
Obese. Katsudon. Pork planet. They were corny, sure, yet shivers ran down your spine at the memory of those names. Not long after, you started having nightmares of that darned high school. The same bullies, the same by-stander classmates, and the new addition of Kiyoomi in his high school uniform with disgust in his eyes, telling you to break up with him. His back faced you whenever you asked for the reason.
It's because of how fat you are. He'd still love me no matter what right? Right?
And every time you woke up from one of those nightmares, you would wake up sobbing.
Yet every time, Kiyoomi still seemed to be blissfully asleep. You knew he'd always have trouble sleeping before an upcoming match and with him looking so at peace, you never had the heart to wake him up.
He doesn't need to know about this. I'll tell him when morning comes.
But you never came round to telling him about the nightmares. The seeds of doubt from those recurring nightmares started to sprout inside you.
You stopped finishing your meals. You started running with Kiyoomi in the mornings to "spend more time with him". Lunch breaks at work were replaced with attending the pilates class across the street. The cans of Celcius in the fridge were depleting faster than ever. Your daily coffee order changed to an Iced Americanos with 4 shots of espresso.
And when the number on the scale dropped, the grin on your face was evidence enough of how light your heart felt. Nights were long when you spent the first hour waiting for Kiyoomi to fall sleep before you shimmied yourself out of his warm embrace to count the flaws of your body with your reflection in the full length bathroom mirror. With how your waist measurements dipped along with Sakusa's compliments of how much healthier you had become lately, your were giddy with happiness.
But God, did it hurt when you realised you had seemed 'unhealthy' to him in the first place. He could have just called you fat, it's not like you would've crumbled, right?
Hit with the sickening realisation that the voice in your head was right all along, that it was even how Kiyoomi saw you, your tears mixed into the shower water one day after a pilates class. You were glad that your husband was busy at practice and wouldn't come in to take an impromptu shower with you and see you in this wretched state.
Please, please, please, don't prove I'm right.
⊹₊⋆☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆☁︎⋆₊ ⊹
"You'll never know, Dear. How much I love you~,"
Your husband sang from the kitchen as you hugged him from behind. With his beefy back against your face and him cooking breakfast, it felt like a blessing so surreal. You wished you'd never have to leave this position.
It's a late Saturday morning and you and Kiyoomi had agreed to have your usual stay-at-home date.
"Eggs?" He looked over his shoulder to you hugging him like an oversized stuffed toy.
"Maybe just egg whites today. I wanna try a new brand of yogurt I got yesterday with the granola I made this week," You replied, stifling a yawn
He nodded in acknowledgement and fetched the carton of egg whites from the fridge as you detached yourself from him and took the cutleries and dishes out of the dishwasher.
"How have you and the girls been? And how's the uh, pilates class you said was kicking your ass?" Kiyoomi asked as he plated his scrambled eggs.
You took the low fat, high protein yogurt out of the fridge as you replied, "It's fun, but I definitely understand why Pilates was made for prisoners."
His eyes were obviously judging you as he laughed to himself. "It can't be that bad. Definitely not as bad as our training when Meian-san is in a bad mood."
You could only sigh with a roll of your eyes. You retorted with an elbow jab to his side, "Why don't you come for class one day and we'll see about that, Mr. I'm-So-Strong."
He squirmed with the frying pan in his hand and a spatula in the other, swatting you away like a fly. You stepped away to giggle at the sight of him using his spatula like a sword in Barbie and the Three Musketeers.
When all was done, the both of you sat down at the small, 4-seater dining area in your home and continued chatting about how the week had gone.
"Itadakimasu!"
And the first thing that Kiyoomi dug into was your yogurt. You stared at him, offended. He ate it as if he was the one who had bought groceries that week.
The moment the yogurt touched his tongue, his face turned as sour as the yogurt he ate. With his face all scrunched up like that, you couldn’t help but let out a small giggle as you took the second spoon of yogurt from the same bowl.
“Y/n, I have no clue what’s so nice about this- this bowl of cold, white... glue," he looked at you in pure astonishment.
“That’s because you're supposed to eat it with fruits and granola, Omi-Omi," You stated simply.
You didn’t have the guts to tell him that you were more worried about exceeding your 600 calorie count for the day than how shitty the yogurt tasted.
"Atsumu's rubbing off on you..." he grumbled, making you giggle at the way his face scrunched up at the sound of Atsumu's nickname for him.
After breakfast, the two of you moved over to the sofa to browse Netflix for a show to watch. As usual, Kiyoomi had the remote control in his hand and the other on your thigh. Catching a glimpse of the wide smile on your face, he noticed that your thigh seemed a lot smaller and more toned than before. He glanced down at it, though his face didn't betray his shock.
Since when did your thigh get so small?
"Y/n, you like the size difference between my hand and your leg? Is that why you're smiling so much?" he teased, smiling as you blushed crimson.
"Didn't realise you had a size kink," he whistled, grinning as you slapped his bicep playfully. He tightened his warm grip on your thigh, making you gasp. Your hand reached for his shoulder as you swung yourself from the sofa and onto his lap for a peck on his lips. You could feel him smiling into the kiss before you pulled away.
"Seducing me this early in the morning, babe?" he said, poking your nose lightly with his finger.
You smirked teasingly at him as you moved your hips against his, making him groan softly into your ear.
"Maybe," you drawled, tracing his jawline with your finger before going in for another kiss. This time his lips trapped your tongue, sucking on it greedily. Dopamine rushed to your head as your innocent kiss became a steamy tug of war. His hands ghosted your abdomen and you suddenly became hyperaware of it.
Fuck, he can feel how fat I am.
You instinctively flexed your abs, in an attempt to stop him from feeling the folds of ugly fat around your stomach. His hands held your waist firmly as his thumb traced your abdomen, before coming to gradual stop.
Kiyoomi broke apart from the kiss, leaving your swollen lips to chase after his, but his forehead leaned against yours to signal a stop.
"Babe, what was that?"
Your heart was beating wildly in your chest, and you weren't sure if it was from the make-out session or his realisation that...
"What was what?" you returned, looking at him with your best attempt at puppy eyes.
You were cold sweating by then, but you hoped he wouldn't notice.
"Are those… abs?" His eyes flew wide, his attention all on you. His eyes were filled with curiosity and oh, how they glimmered so beautifully.
You wished upon the stars you'd never have to lie to those eyes ever again.
"Of course, I just thought maybe you'd like to see a different side of me... a little sexier," you averted his gaze, guiding his hand towards the hem of your oversized shirt.
He lifted your shirt and you saw how his cheeks turned an embarrassing shade of red. Burying his face in your chest, he tilted his head up to meet your eyes. "God, I have no clue what to do with you, Y/n."
It was quite evident what he wanted when you felt his shaft become more prominent through his home shorts.
And the rest became a memory you keep with joy.
Please, please, please, don't bring me to tears when I just did my make up so nice.
But all that joy didn't last when you woke up the next morning, scrutinising your body in front of the mirror.
How could you let him see this? This slob of a body?
Shame clawed at your throat as your fingers tugged at the fat of your stomach. You placed your palm over your collarbones, and they felt sharper than they used to. You knew you'd definitely lost the weight, but the greed to look more dainty than ever had you in a chokehold.
These thighs look so fat. Your arms are so flabby. Gosh, even your armpits are fat. It's hideous.
You're hideous.
And nothing but regret and guilt kept gnawing at your insides like a feral beast. The only solution you came up with was to grab the biggest shirt in the house - his MSBY jersey - and the sweatpants that covered your legs entirely.
In the following days, when Kiyoomi tried to remove any article of clothing from your body, you grabbed his hand to stop him with the excuse that you were tired. But truthfully, your new routine had been wearing you out more than you had anticipated.
His next match was with EJP Raijin on another Saturday night, with crowds roaring from both sides of the arena. You let yourself loose the moment the girls called your name across the hall, running over to hug you.
Your defenses go down as you shared a laugh with the others. When they offered a pack of chips from the snack table, you hesitated. But your inner voice reminded you that you had been fasting since the previous day, so you take the bag of chips with a smile. You felt lightheaded and giddy when a couple of the girls compliment your figure - it was the happiest you'd felt in the past two months.
The hunger pains were worth every bit of this happiness.
During the match break, you found yourself talking to the EJP players' partners as well. When Atsumu's girlfriend introduces you to the other girls and guys, your attention went directly to Suna's fiancée. It's obvious that she was a much smaller build than the other girls but the way her dress hung off of her made you gulp nervously. Your brain was strangely and subconsciously wired to recognise her as competition. She was quiet and elegant, small but eloquent. She was everything you wanted to be.
"Oh, mineral water's fine with me," she said with a smile when you offered her a bottle of Coke Zero.
GUILT GUILT GUILT
It made you choke back tears when you realised how fat you were behaving. Or how bloated you looked right then, with all that carbonation and salt.
And those thoughts immediately got rid of any joy of that day. When you headed home, you tried your best to look happy after Kiyoomi had served the winning goal, but your mind was plagued with the nagging thought of how you had let yourself slip.
Later that night, after snuggling in with your husband and making sure he was fast asleep, you snuck out of his warm embrace. His biceps were so warm, and being sandwiched between his chest and his arm made it hard to leave when it was the best place to be.
You left to burn off the calories from the snacks you had binged on earlier that evening. As you left the bedroom with a yoga mat in arm, you were determined to complete the new routine you had promised yourself in the shower. You wished you could do it without any problems but recently, you had been seeing black spots and felt lightheaded every time you did any physical activity. It was a bitch to have to stop for awhile before continuing your exercises.
The moment you stepped into the shower, sweaty and tired, you didn't notice your husband stirring awake as the warm water hit your body.
Kiyoomi was confused when he woke up to his arm cold and the absence of your body pressed against his. He had been itching with nerves those few months when he realised your behaviour had started changing around him. And that same anxiety only heightened when he heard your sniffles coming from the shower. It was the first time you became so reclused from him. At first, he was worried that you were wringing yourself dry from the amount of work you had, but he later spiralled into thinking that it was because you were falling out of love with him.
When he heard the bedroom door click open, he hurriedly pretended to be asleep.
Beep. Silence. Beep.
Your sigh made him itching to hug you and ask what happened. But the sigh following the beep of the weighing scale made it clear to him that the number on the weighing scale had somehow upset you one way or another. You approached the full-length mirror and peeked again to make sure your husband was still fast asleep.
You lifted the jersey above your chest, throwing it off to the side of the bed where you slept.
Kiyoomi honestly thought you were about to climb into bed topless (don't ask, he was not in his working mind). But when you stood still in front of the mirror, scrutinising your body like a piece of meat at the market, he could tell that you weren't heading to bed anytime soon.
You pinched at every corner of skin you could find. You looked at the woman in the reflection, and all you could see was the poor girl in high school. Fat and ugly, unlikeable and pitiful.
You then turned to your side, hoping to find comfort in seeing a flatter stomach.
In the dim lights, Kiyoomi could see the outline of your emaciated figure and the faint outline of your ribcage was enough to make him open his eyes fully in shock. The bruises along your spine made him wonder if he had been too rough with you all those times you were intimate. The way your hipbones jutted out were enough to throw him into a pool of anxious thoughts.
Maybe he should talk to you about it tomorrow.
But the last straw was when you muttered under your breath about how fat you still were.
No, he had to talk to you about it ASAP.
The bed creaked as you crawled back into his arms and he wrapped his arms around your waist. He never remembered your waist being so small before.
"Can't sleep?" you asked, turning your head towards him. His eyes opened to see your face in front of him.
He was sure the moonlight was playing tricks on him. Your face had harsh lines that he had never noticed, your nose sharper than ever and eyes bigger than before. Your collarbones peeped out of his jersey, more prominent than he had ever seen.
Fuck, how did it get so bad?
He knew you were trying to get fitter but he never realised you were developing something beyond just healthy habits. Kiyoomi could only blame himself for being so absorbed by his recent matches. For not noticing you were harming yourself.
He nodded and you snuggled into his chest, your arms wrapping around his waist comfortably. His thumb ran down your back in an effort to calm you both. Chills ran down his spine when he felt every ridge and bump of your vertebrate. It made him question how he had never noticed everything come crashing down.
"Babe, you okay? Aren't you be happy? Your team won today's match," you looked up into his eyes which were filled with concern. His eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought.
"How... how did you get so small?" he breathed.
You gulped. Things could only go south from here.
He continued. "I didn't realise it but when Atsumu mentioned it last week, I couldn't help but notice how much weight you've actually lost. Is it even safe to lose this much?"
He held you like you'd slip through his fingers at any moment, like water in a broken plastic cup.
You tried to avoid the topic, tried to look away but he wouldn't let you.
"...Atsumu? What did he say, specifically?" your eyes turned cold the second he mentioned his teammate.
What did he have anything to do with this?
Kiyoomi sat up against the bed frame before sighing deeply. "He was just asking if you were okay, 'cause you didn't seem as energetic as usual. And you can't argue with me, you have lost quite a bit of weight."
You knew that it was taking a lot out of him to talk about this, especially since he was never a confrontational person. It had to mean a lot to him, for him to face a situation like this head on.
"I'm-"
"No, Y/n. You're not fine. Have you been eating well? No, scratch that- have you been eating at all?"
You could feel the waterworks about to start, you felt the back of your eyes warming. Your fingernails dug into your palm, as if you could physically stop the tears from falling.
"I... I ate just now. With the girls," you whispered.
"A Proper Meal, babe. Not one of those 'girl dinner' crap you used to pull in college," he gritted out.
You let out a breath.
"2 days ago. Dinner," your voice cracked, and the waterworks had officially begun. Shame erupted in your chest.
"Fuck," Kiyoomi cursed under his breath.
He couldn't believe this was the same Y/n that would drag him out to enjoy their favourite foods together after a tiring day of practice and work. The same Y/n that enjoyed cooking together with him. The same Y/n that had monthly competitions with him to see who could finish more sushi plates at the conveyor belt sushi restaurant down the street.
It was the same Y/N that deprived herself of any food for days because she saw nothing but ugly, unwanted fat on her emaciated body.
Kiyoomi was speechless. He blinked several times, willing the tears welling up in his eyes not to fall but it was useless. You saw the way his tears rolled down his face along with his sharp intake of breath. He had never thought his wife would do something like this.
The guilt of not noticing what was happening to you was eating him alive.
He managed to calm himself down slightly before doing the only thing he could think of in the moment. He pulled you in and held you tight.
"Please," he whispered. Hugging you close, he begged, "Please don't take my sunshine away."
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