i have started this blog a few times over the last few weeks; and no matter what i typed it all seemed trivial in the wake of the turmoil that is going on is america. since being quarantined i have been trying to use this time to get me and the family’s lives together.
see, before the ‘rona i was already tired. i kept telling danny that i felt like a real bum. like i just couldn’t pull it together. i was using all of my energy and brain power at work and for my workouts (praise God); but i couldn’t muster up any energy for more than that. i could go through a super lengthy list of all the reasons why i had been so tired, but i will spare you. let’s just say over the last year, my workload was really-real, my business received an amazing and all consuming opportunity, and i had some very challenging interpersonal issues at work (racial in nature). the combination of it all seemed to suck the life out of me.
honestly, it was ALL literally sucking the life out of me. i mean, my doctor said so. because i am so used to running at ‘100 miles to the goal;’ my lack of drive, motivation and desire to do any better scared and frustrated me. i felt like i needed a break, but i was so used to working on 10 projects at a time, coming up with my next idea, filing my next trademark - that sitting still seemed foreign to me.
in decemeber of 2019, i experienced something at work that hurt me so deeply, i was almost catatonic. i was already tired from the work of my day job and my business, but this incident was a blow that exacerbated my exhaustion. during that time i decided i would take a break from my business in 2020 and only accept a few returning non-profit clients. i made the decision to slow down and be conscious in order to figure out my next moves. i knew this was the best decision for me. i just didn’t know how hard it would be for me to actually do it.
as days of the new year rolled on, i became harder and harder to just be still. i was grateful to not be doing anything spectacular after work besides ‘mommying’ and ‘wife-ing.’ it was different for me; but it was also difficult for me. weird, even. i knew i needed the rest, but i felt like i was a loser for not using my after work time to build some part of my brand, write a blog or use my voice to support some cause and share my faith.
i really really felt LOSER-Y. trust me, i understood that me feeling this way made no sense, but I couldn’t help it.
for all intents and purposes i was actually killing it at life. i was working out daily, crushing it at the day gig, and i even started therapy. but i still felt like the serial achiever in me was supposed to be doing something. i have never been the type to be busy, just for the sake of being busy. but i have always been a worker; and while i have learned to take short breaks it became clear that i needed someone to let me off the hook about not working so much and so hard.
in comes my dearest daniel. i thank God for him. i literally cried and said, “babe, i need someone to tell me it is okay to take a break, to let go, to CHILL.” in true danny fashion he told me it was okay. while i really didn’t need anyone’s approval or permission; it felt good to have his understanding and support.
since taking my self-imposed, yet much needed sabbatical; i have found that it isn’t that i am a bum or loser-y. there is nothing of the sort in my d.n.a. but what i have fallen prey to is burnout and not always doing the best job of slowing down for extended periods of time. i have found that the burnout inadvertently creates a mental shutdown that will look different in different people.
for me, my creativity suffers greatly, my focus is off and my ability to self-start diminishes. this creates a cycle that causes me to feel bad and unworthy of the gifts and talents i have been blessed with because i don’t feel like i am being a good steward over them. because of this, i have committed to take more time for myself and truly disconnect as often as i need to.
just like i need a clean and clear space in order to create - my mind needs the same thing. i will no longer call myself a bum or a loser; but i will ask myself these things:
am I praying, casting your cares on him and reading the word?
am I carrying this weight because I want the glory, or am I working for God’s glory and committing my works and art to Him?
am I fueling my body properly?
is what I think I am supposed to be doing in the season, actually something I should be doing; have I asked God?
in short - i am going to trust Him and not be so hard on myself.
i encourage you to do the same.
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