The Case of Monumental Malfeasance, Ep. 10
The following is a work of Mindcrack fan fiction.
B.K. Price presents
in:
The Case of Monumental Malfeasance
Episode 10: Finding the Flim-Flam Man
The thing that prompted Dinnerbone to look up was an atrocious grinding sound. It sounded like nothing he had ever heard before. Despite the fact that everything appeared to be upside-down, because he was standing on his head, he was able to locate the source of the ear-torturing noise very quickly. Anybody probably could. It wasn’t every day you saw a huge statue come to life, after all.
The statue was that of a woman with long red hair and a white dress. It had to be the new girl. Dinnerbone concentrated for a moment, and then the name sprang into his mind. Aureylian. The statue was not an exact replica of her avatar. The style of the build made her look just the slightest bit demented, like an angry demon-possessed doll.
Her redstone boots were stamping heavily along the central basin of the UHC Monument. She wasn’t very fast, but Dinnerbone guessed that she could pack quite a wallop. Her stiff beige arms swung back and forth as she walked. Her gaze fixed on him, and her square eyes squinted. “I see you,” she said in a cutesy chipmunk voice. Her kung-fu grip hands came forward to grab him. “You’re mine now, Mojang© Man.”
Dinnerbone squinted back at her. “Oh, darling, you don’t know the half of it.”
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Every Mindcracker down in Mindcrack liked Aurey a lot, but the Nebris, who lived in his castle did not. The Nebris hated Mindcrack – the whole damn fourth season. Now, please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his block head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been the pink jelly that affected them all. But, whatever the reason, be it jelly or shoes, he stood there to watch Dinnerbone pay his dues. Staring down from his starship, with a sour cheaty frown, at the Mojang© developer who’d soon be brought down. For he knew every Mindcracker down in Mindcrack below was busy now trying to stop poor Etho.
“And Dinnerbone’s mocking!” he snarled with a sneer. “Aurey’s my weapon! She’s already here!” Then he growled, with his cheaty fingers nervously drumming, “He CAN’T find a way to keep Aurey from coming!
“Pooh-pooh Dinner-who!” he was cheatily humming. “He’s finding out now that Aureylian’s coming. He’s just perking up. I know just what he’ll do! He’ll type on his keyboard a minute or two, then all the toons down in Mindcrack will all cry BOO-HOO!
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Nebris, “that I simply must hear.”
So he paused. And the Nebris put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising from the dawn’s glow. It started in low, then it started to grow… But the sound wasn’t sad, why, this sound sounded sweary. It couldn’t be so! But it WAS sweary. Very! He stared down at Mindcrack, the Nebris popped his eyes. Then he shook – what he saw was a shocking surprise.
Every Mindcracker down in Mindcrack, the tall and the small, was coming in masses to ruin it all! He HADN’T kept Mindcrackers from coming, they came! Somehow or other they came just the same.
And what happened then? Well, in Mindcrack they say, that the Dinnerbone’s body grew three sizes that day. And the minute his size didn’t feel quite so small, he came at the girl so adorabolical and knocked her ass down like a spiked football.
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)
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The Aureylian statue hit the ground with a loud crash. From his vantage point on the back of Taylor Swift, the fastest horse on the server, Etho charged forward with the other Mindcrackers trailing behind, weapons and tools raised like a raging barbarian horde. Dinnerbone looked just as huge as the statue and was kicking his gigantic feet in the air wildly. Aurey Prime growled at him. “Oh you did NOT just do that!”
She rose to her feet and swung a fist at Dinnerbone’s legs. He keeled over onto his back, kicking like an overturned turtle. “Bring out the Aureys!” yelled Etho.
Pause came running toward the combatants making a Native American battle cry while dozens of Aurey-bots followed. Pulling back to shoot a few arrows at her, Pause let the Aurey-bots surround Aurey Prime. Each of them carried string, and as they ran about her feet and climbed up her body they tied that string around her arms, legs, and anywhere they could hinder or annoy her. Aurey Prime swung her arms wildly trying to rid herself of the little robots. Some fell, but there were so many of them that they pulled her down like a glitter-loving Gulliver.
“Bring out the cannons!” cried Etho, thrusting his sword in the direction of the fallen statue while his horse reared. VintageBeef appeared leading a regiment of Mindcrackers pushing some minecarts with dispensers mounted on them. They came in close to Aurey Prime and halted. Beef raised an arm into the air. “Sauce her!” he shouted while he brought his arm down.
Levers were flipped, and the dispensers ejected a shower of applesauce over the statue. Aurey Prime squirmed and screamed, “I’m melting!” They could hear the hiss of the Relly Jelly dissolving. Then she lay motionless.
They all stood there for a few moments. Dinnerbone grunted and got back up on his head, then shrank down to normal size again. “Thanks for the help, guys,” he said.
A sound came from afar. It started out low, then it started to grow. It was the sound of a desperate man yelling, “Noooooo!” Nebris was running toward them swiftly. “You’re ruining it all!”
“Canons about-face!” shouted Beef. The minecarts slowly turned toward Nebris. “Fire!”
Nebris stopped in his tracks as loads of goopy yellow applesauce splashed all over him. He fell onto his back, grunting and choking while he flailed his limbs. Then, as the sauce took effect, he calmed down.
Team Nancy Drew hurried over to him and helped him up. Nebris coughed up the excess applesauce, heaving desperately for breath. When he could speak again he asked, “Where am I, and why am I covered in goop?”
“It’s a long story,” said Guude, “and it’s almost over, except for one thing.” He looked across the landscape as if expecting an arrival.
“You ninnies!” came the shout.
Guude smiled and said, “Yep, there he is.”
At the very end of the UHC Monument, on the place that has that stupid arrow always sticking out of a block but you can’t always see it, stood Steve. Well, not Steve. Steve-with-glowy-white-eyes Steve. He was shaking with fury. “Can’t you fools do anything right?” he screamed.
“Hells blazes!” said Bdubs. “Is that Herobrine?”
“Isn’t he just a myth?” asked BTC.
“Do I look like a freaking myth to you?” screamed Herobrine. He was awfully testy.
“That’s impossible,” Dinnerbone said, staring at the new arrival. “Herobrine doesn’t exist in Minecraft, and we don’t have any plans to put him in.”
“You’re right,” said Guude as he and Team Nancy Drew approached Herobrine. “It is impossible.” They all grabbed at Herobrine and whisked the covering off his body.
“Who is that?” someone asked.
“Is that Mhykol?” asked someone else.
“No, you idiots,” Guude said. “Look at the name over his head.”
As one, the crowd said, “Kurururururu...” They let the name trail off into a rough grunt like Tim Allen in Home Improvement.
“That’s right, Kuroro,” Guude said, pronouncing his name correctly for the first time in his life.
Kuroro scowled. “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling Mindcrackers.”
“No you wouldn’t,” came an omnipresent, booming voice laced with a Swedish accent. The sky darkened as a huge figure loomed over the landscape. A round bearded face topped with a black full-brimmed hat swiveled about to gaze upon the Mindcrackers.
Dinnerbone flipped himself right-side up and prostrated himself before the colossal figure. “Oh, great and mighty Notch, forgive me for my failings.”
Notch held up a hand. “There is no need for supplication, my faithful servant,” he said.
“Um, why do you look like your real self and not like a Minecraft avatar?” Guude asked.
“Good question, Guude,” said Notch. “And it has a simple answer. I AM Minecraft.” The world shook at that last sentence.
Notch held up an open scroll. “Do you know what this is, Kuroro?” Kuroro shook his head. “It is the End User License Agreement. Do you have any idea how many parts of my EULA you have violated?” He waited, but Kuroro was trembling too hard to respond.
“It doesn’t matter, though, because you have broken the most important rule of all: don’t fuck with my game.”
“They kicked me off the server,” Kuroro explained. “I was moving and they decided I wasn’t active enough so…”
“That wasn’t it and you know it,” Guude said. “You were doing…”
“Relax, Guude,” said Notch. Turning his attention back to Kuroro, he said, “I don’t care about that. It’s Guude’s server and he can whitelist and de-whitelist whomever he wants to.” Notch rolled the EULA back up on its spool. “You took it too far, and for that you are forever banished from my realm.” Notch swung the rolled up EULA and batted Kuroro into the sky and out of sight.
“Glad that’s over,” Guude said. “Now I can have my server back.”
“Not so fast,” boomed Notch. “Kuroro was only able to do what he did because this world has some serious bugs that can be exploited, and you know how much I hate exploits. It’s too far gone for Dinnerbone to fix. You’ll have to wipe the server and start fresh.”
“Aw, man!” Zisteau cried. “I never get to finish my builds.”
“Sorry, guys, that’s the way it has to be,” said Notch, and in an instant he winked out of sight.
“He’s fast for such a big man,” said Genny.
“Too bad Paul won’t get to see the new server.”
So began the work of cleaning up the mess. A few of the Mindcrackers set Paul’s hat between his UHC statue’s feet as a memorial. MCGamer played a funeral dirge on the bagpipes as the Mindcrackers stood around in mourning. Aureylian was walking off to the side angrily while Vechs hurried after her. “I was being mind controlled,” he said.
She glared at him. “How dare you use that excuse on me you…”
A passerby in a Steve skin said, “Shhhhh! There’s a funeral going on.”
Aurey and Vechs stared at him in confusion as he came up to the back of the crowd, peered over the mourners, and asked, “Who died?”
JSano said, “Pa…” as he turned to look at the newcomer and then noticed the name floating over his head. “Wait, Paul? Is that you?”
“Well, yeah,” said Paulsoaresjr. “Don’t I look like me?” He looked down. “Damn it! I got a Steve skin again. Fix your game, Dinnerbone.”
“Where were you?” asked Guude. “Seth and Zisteau saw you die.”
“Last thing I remember was me and Hero Pig hitting the ground, then I woke up beside my bed a few minutes ago.” He patted his Steve clothes. “Does anyone know where my stuff is?”
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And so we have come to the end of the matter, the fourth Mindcraft season did end with a clatter, of pickaxe and hoe, shovel and axe, tearing down Jarool, Bling Mart and Chicken Shack. Every toon down in Mindcrack, the tall and the small, took down all the trappings, destroyed every wall. Anderz killed the last zombie, BTC ate the meat, and Nebris, he himself, harvested the last wheat.
(Again, to Dr. Seuss and all people who love him, I deeply apologize.)
The End