So, I read your post about splitting and your struggles with what's going on IRL, and...
Well, I don't think you know me because I'm one of the lurkers who occasionally comments on Ao3 or Tumblr, but I've been following you for a while. Your writing is beautiful and I had to speak up.
Being the one stable person in the family hurts. In some ways, I think it can be more damaging than being the consistently unstable person/people of the family, because the pressure on you is that much greater. I can't speak to being the only stable person of the family for a long period of time, but my mother started showing signs of DID when I was about eight. My family is also chock full of neurodivergents and I also spend a lot of time making sure to translate between them and each other, or them and the rest of the world.
Trying to talk to someone while figuring out who you're talking to is hard. It's exhausting, because you're always on alert and there's a lot of loss of safety and trust. Trying to monitor someone constantly so you know what role to fill, and then filling it regardless of how you feel about it in the moment, doing all the household practical work that no one has the bandwidth or ability to do, constantly answering with reassurances about being loved...
Yeah, it hurts.
But please, please don't tell yourself that you need to not have a personality so that everyone else can have more space to be themselves. I went down that way, and it leads nowhere good. You lose touch with your emotions until you suddenly explode, or implode depending on the person. You end up being so chronically stretched thin that you can't make space for yourself, your responsibilities in real life, or your own outside relationships. You end up being so burnt out that even the things you love don't refresh you any more. And eventually, the safety net snaps and you end up having to spend years to put yourself back together again. I'm still not fully recovered emotionally, even seven plus years later (though there are extenuating circumstances).
I struggled a lot with not feeling seen, with not wanting to tell anyone my struggles because I was being a burden, because no one else had the space or capacity to take on my problems as well without breaking. From what I've read on your blog, I don't get the impression that you have tons of relationships to lean on as you support your family. Maybe you feel the same way I did.
I urge you, implore you, Ketto, don't be the void everyone else screams into. Be the pathway that takes it to Jesus instead. Even if your family isn't in the right time or place for you to do it verbally, do it for yourself. "His burden is easy and his yoke is light." "Cast all your cares upon him, because he cares for you." If you try to take all or even some of the emotions into yourself, I can guarantee that only ends in you crumbling. It's not a way either you or they can long term survive.
You write to process what you see going on around you; so do I. I think both of us write the more beautifully for it. But it's okay if you can't write this one to process your emotions. Hug Jesus and cry instead.
I'm here to talk if you ever need me. Know that I'm praying to bear your burdens with you.
God bless, and may the God of peace grant you the peace and rest that you so desperately need,
Malai (Grace of God)
Thanks, friend, you genuinely made me tear up over here with how.....yeah, yeah I needed to hear this.
I've been praying about it for a while, so I do have that outlet. And yeah, I don't really have any relationships outside of my family. I've been trying to forge some here and there, but inevitably, someone in my family ends up having an issue with most of the people I'm around and it always ends up with me walking away to either avoid drama or because things turn toxic with those people as a result.
2087
kaledo-art
areudirty
ellievsbear
