Hello muffins and welcome to today’s blog!
I am extremely tired but I had a weird realization tonight and decided I wanted to write about it, so here I am.. doing just that.
My parents wanted to go watch my sister cheer tonight since there was a home game. Mom told me I should just stay home and relax a bit so that’s what I did. I got a shower. did some skin care stuffs, drank some water and watched a bit of Criminal Minds like any other normal 21 year old female.
But then I started thinking about when my mom told me to relax. I wasn’t really relaxing... I was keeping my mind busy. Distracting it from every thought I didn’t want to think about.
So I decided to turn off the TV, lay down and just think about everything. No distractions to pull me away.
I went through a lot mentally but it didn’t seem like I was getting anywhere. I started to think about what if I started looking through my parent’s text messages towards each other and what if they were talking about me and what if really I was just a huge infiltration of their privacy and what if they really didn’t want me in their lives anymore.
Then I realized I sounded pretty insane. But then.. because I didn’t have any distractions... I became curious as to why my mind drifted in this direction.
Immediately my brain went to the memory of my Ex. Someone I haven’t spoken to in over two years. Someone who I thought loved me but would call me crazy behind my back. Someone who I loved that ended up wanting nothing to do with me.
And that’s when it hit me.
Ever sense he left... I have wondered if every single person in my life hated me. I continuously become paranoid in every single situation and try to avoid thinking about it if necessary. But when I do, my mind always goes to “What do they really think of me? Do they hate me? Are they lying about the way they feel? Do they really even want me around?”.
I finally get it. I think like this because of my past and the way it affected me. If I ever want to move past it, I’m going to have to stop thinking that every single good thing in my life has an alternative motive. I’m the only person who can stop that kind of darkness clouding my judgment.
All of this happened in a span of probably about 15 minutes.
So I guess it’s important to remember to just take a little bit of time, no distractions, to just think and reflect on what’s really going on around you. I lost sight of something really important that I wish I would have just taken more time to really think about. Grief is important. Self care is important. And most of all, YOU are important.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
It’s about 9:15 PM so get some good rest and try and go to sleep when you can so you can have an awesome day tomorrow.
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