League of Legends Helps me.
Hello again,
Lately I've been playing lots of league of legends so I can feel like I've accomplished something and make me feel good about myself. And I got greedy and let LoL take over my life for the past few days.... I've put off sooo many days that I could've spent looking for more jobs and practicing my craft.....
Last night, I had quite a boring dream. A lot of my teachers was in it.. What I got from the dream is the realization that I say the word "dream" a lot. I personally don't know what dream/goal I have. Many would say that my "dream" is to make it in the art business or what ever. But no. I would like to agree with that. But I do not feel strongly about that kind of "dream" at all. What I focus more are making actual money with the actual time that I spend on ANYTHING. I would like to be able to support and remain happy at the same time. I had to quit my job at kmart because the thought of spending more time and energy for work over spending them on school things seems very sad. Considering how much money was spent on schooling. When I did quit my job, my schooling got a tiny bit better. THat's what i want to believe/say anyways. During my second year of school, I got a job at antique shop and we mainly take, edit, and upload photos onto ebay and sell the products that we were assigned to. It was easy work. I manged to keep my work life and school life in tact. But my personal life is a different story. The 4 months September and onwards were one of the darkest times in my life..... Emotionally and literally. My family was living with no electricity for months. We got to stay at my cousin's house for a bit but it created some drama with our relatives and things didn't end good.... And a certain someone in my family cause the rest of us to feel shitty and angry all the time because he got kicked out of school twice for obvious reasons. And I had immense tooth pain for months and well all of the above AND this didn't make my schooling go so well and making money too.......... I managed to keepy my personal life a secret but it obviously surfaced in someways when my teachers noticed how poorly I was doing. When you are doing art, a lot of people would think that we artists channel all our emotions into our works. But sometimes that's not the case. I obviously was going through hard times. I failed badly in classes and the only thing that kept me sane was work life. There were a lot of shitty things happening. And it kept me busy with my thoughts. I was quite a deep thinker soo I kept most of the words to myself. I didn't say anything to almost anyone because it was embarrassing. I did get to explain things to the faculty members. But yea.. embarrassment kept me from speaking a word of anything. It sucks being a human.
These days, I still don't say much things/ speak my mind fully. I currently try not to say things because I'm afraid that people will think I am crazy. I feel this way because I've recently had a lot moments where I was the only one that believes a certain thing and that I get denied and my thoughts were invalid for people's reasonings that I know nothing of. And they won't provide some insight so I can understand their approach to THEIR understanding a bit more. I would really like to know why they would think that. For me, I like to have things I can use to connect the dots with, not just a blank answer with no body to support it.