TGIFanfic

Ruining your favorite TV shows. [email protected] (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-47312544-1', 'tumblr.com'); ga('send', 'pageview');

[tgifanfic]

Porkin with Miss Piggy

Everyone is being dramatic and I am the Queen of Dramatics! So what, Kermit and I are over; did they really expect us to hold hands in a nursing home and die within 4 hours of each other? Kermit is pretty dormant in bed, he always wanted to lie on my back and would say let nature take it’s course. We both deserve to be happy; we’ve been tied down each other for too long. The public adored us but we couldn’t put up the front any longer, it was mainly Kermit’s idea because he knew I was so unhappy, but now the Pig is loose.

Over the years I have had many suitors knock on my door; I mean when you are the only glamorous girl in a group of 200+ guys, who could blame them! Over the years I’ve kept a mental list of everyone who caught my eye, now it’s time to cross some off the list. Kermit was never into group work – he even hated sharing screen time with more than 2 other actors.

Now the summer of the Pig begins, and I kept myself busy!

Gonzo…what could I say about Gonzo that every girl in NY hasn’t already said? Sure, he is huge but he doesn’t know how to use it and he smells like cheese.  

Rowlf is everyone’s favorite sweetheart but a girl can get tired of only doing it his style.

Scooter was just so concerned about what everyone else did or how he measured up to everyone else. Was he up to par? Glasses on or off? Did Kermit talk about him when we were together? Was he Kermit’s favorite friend? Just shut up and no he never talked about you.

Fozzie, well let’s just say he is of age physically but not mentally. The tiny hat should have been a sign.

Beaker never shut up, after years of “meeps” he had a lot to say; Bunsen Honeydew on the other hand was very experimental.  Science is better in bed.

Then there was Animal. I finally felt alive again; I oinked for the first time in years! I felt so uninhibited and was annoyed at myself for being Kermit’s back mat for too long.

A few weeks later I was having coffee with Denise (despite what tabloids say, we do get along quite nicely) and I could tell that Kermit was boring her and got the hint loud and clear. Unfortunately for Denise I wasn’t interested in her or revisiting Kermit’s bed but that did get me thinking about someone from my past.

Back at Nanny’s nursery I remembered Scooter had a sister and as we got older she became more and more distant from the group. We all moved out together and she was the only one who didn’t move to New York with us.

My assistant was able to find her in the Adirondacks, where she volunteers at a bird sanctuary. When I spoke with her she was so distant and arrogant; it just made me want to see her more, I am a pig who always gets her way. She rebuffed my coffee and lunch and dinner and cocktail offers she said; “yeah maybe, when pigs fly.”

I called ahead to a local rock climbing company to rig something special. People are always willing to do the unthinkable when they see me hovering above them.

[tgifanfic]

"Bri Wi is a Lie Lie" 

By MN

*Author’s Note: Anything in italics is an actual, unedited Brian Williams quote

I locked the brakes of my wheelchair as I sat idly in the gazebo of my posh nursing home. The air was cold, but I had a nice, soft blanket folded across my lap to keep me warm. Time has been kind to me, I still have my trademark crooked smile and a full head of perfectly parted hair- although that hair has gone from a salt-and-pepper to pure white. Despite my maturing, I like to think I still have my charming wit.   I keep all the orderlies on their toes with my perfectly placed one liners and repartee. Though I am say “past my prime,” I can still remember my glory days as if they were yesterday. An orderly was walking out to the gazebo where I was sitting now, crossing the meticulously landscaped lawn with a blood pressure cuff in his hand.

I heard the snap of the Velcro before I felt the tightening of the blood pressure cuff.

“How are you doing today Mr. Williams?” The chipper orderly asked, seemingly interested.

“Oh I am good Eddie. I still miss my youth though. You know, I am not just a journalist but somewhat of a hero.” I punctuated this statement with a light cough, I didn't really need to cough, but thought it would add to the story I was about to tell.

“A hero? Is that so?” Eddie asked, listening intently to the stethoscope. 

“I've been very, very lucky the way my life has turned out. I've been very lucky to have survived a few things that I've been involved in. At a reception a few minutes ago, I was remembering — I tend to forget the war with Hezbollah in Israel a few years back, where there were Katyusha rockets passing just underneath the helicopter I was riding. A few years before that, we go back to Iraq, and I look down the tube of an RPG that had been fired at us, and it hit the chopper in front of ours. And I’m so fortunate to be sitting here.”*

I could tell Eddie wasn't paying attention. He was scribbling something into my charts, not even bothering to look up. "But my time as a war correspondent or war hero doesn't even compare to my favorite story."

“BP is 120/80, looks like your staying off the sodium Mr. Williams. Good for you. Oh your favorite story? Which one was that? Rescuing that orphan from a burning building? Single handedly taking on that terrorist syndicate? I think by now I have heard all your stories, Mr. Williams,” Eddie smiled at me through perfectly aligned teeth. His playful attitude was bordering on mocking. I made a mental note to deal with that later.

“No Eddie, I haven’t told anyone this story.  After my stint in Iraq, NBC awarded me with a cushy assignment covering some celebrity charitable fundraising. That is where I met her: Heidi Klum. She was wearing a golden gown with a plunging neckline. Surly, she wasn't safeguarding Victoria’s Secret...Let’s just say the secret was out my friend. Before my time outside the wire, I would have been intimidated by such beauty, but now here we were, two courageous, awesome human beings that needed to interact.  

As  I approached, I noticed the back plunged deeper than the front. I calmly put my hand on her lower back. Our skin touching. I let the moment linger. Let’s just say, after a couple of cocktails, we didn't spend much time at the charitable event.”

Now I had his attention. Eddie looked incredulous, “Wait, so you are telling me you slept with Heidi Klum? You dog!”

I flashed him my crooked smile and a wink, “Wait, did I say Heidi Klum, I think I misremembered. I think it was Diane Sawyer.”

 * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6DhlpOo8Es

[tgifanfic]

just beanin taylor

By: KM

I'm organizing the last few boxes in my apartment that my assistant forgot to unpack when I got the strongest craving for a Peppermint Crumb Cake Skinny Raw Cashew Milk Latte with double-whipped, cinnamon-infused foam. “The Disney ceramic figurines will have to wait” I think to myself as I grab my Buffalo plaid jacket and pilgrim-inspired hat and skip out the door. I'm the new Ambassador of NYC and have to always be on top of the latest trends.

The Ambassador position is a privilege that I hold in high esteem; Angelina Jolie and Oprah can keep their UN Peace Ambassador honors--this speaks volumes throughout the world. 

I just moved to the most brilliant part of the city, the very up-and-coming Murray Hill. They have more bodegas and frat bars than any where in the city, what more could I ask for? But secretly I'm not totally happy--I hope I’m not single for too much longer. 

I hop down the street to my favorite independent coffee shop, Starbucks, making sure to step on every crunchy leaf while softly singing, “And you’re gone, dead to me, like the autumn leaves in the gutter..." My songwriting skill is a gift. I am so blessed. I can’t wait to get into the studio to record “Autumn Leaves with You and begins with Taylor.”

Entering Starbucks I head straight for the barista. One perk of being the face of New York is the ability to skip any line, even the Cronut line! I order my signature drink, which is called the "Tay-York." While at the counter I can't help but notice a man reading the newspaper and every few minutes folding it down quickly to stare and wiggle his eyebrows at me.

I start to get heated, and I wonder if he wanted to wiggle anything else towards me. 

Strangers are always acting crazy around me--I mean, I am Taylor Swift--but for some reason I can’t stop staring back at this guy. I coyly glance at him, but just then my barista Fallon blocks my view as he hands me my drink. “Oh well, another love lost," I think. I turn to take one last look at him but he's already out the door. 

Slowly I walk back to my apartment, depressed and alone. I can’t believe I fell in and out of love so quickly again.  I'm lost in all the beautiful colors that make up autumn in New York when I notice a pair of Italian leather loafers blocking my path. I look up to find it's my coffee shop love! He looks well-aged and full of wisdom. "I bet he reads classic literature that he finds at thrift stores," I think to myself, "like Eat, Pray Love." Within a second, I see the rest of my life with this man--and it looks swell. 

My heart flutters and I blurt out, “Hello, I saw you earlier and you saw me and I love you! Tell me your name and all of your dreams that we can build together.” Everyone tells me I need to be more guarded with my emotions but how can you halt love?

My new boyfriend smiles at me, shrugs his shoulders, and starts humming a Train song (how did he know they were my favorite band?). His eyes are ferocious like a wildfire and he starts snapping and flicking his tongue back and forth, demonstrating its power.

Without uttering a word he continues to smile and slowly leans in and I just know he will kiss me. I close my eyes for several seconds but nothing happens. Slowly I peek open my eyes, still expecting a surprise kiss, but he is gone!

“What the heck?” I wonder. Then I hear a familiar hum and I spin around and there he is. 

“Ah-ha!” is the only word he speaks, and then he takes my hat and starts to walk away. I can't believe that he took my favorite Pilgrim hat that Pharrell gave me, but secretly I enjoy the cat and mouse game he started. 

I make one quick phone call to my security team, and within seconds they are escorting him to my apartment. The media is wrong about me--I always get my guy!

Once my overprotective team realizes my intentions, they start giving me the usual warnings. “Tay Tay, I don’t want you to get your hopes up again," "Take it easy with this Mr. Bean guy," "He seems like a heartbreaker, another John Mayer.” And so on.

I just roll my eyes at them and enter the craft room where he has been detained.

I walk in and he stands up to greet me. He slowly starts to walk towards me and somehow trips over my collection of vintage Teen Beat Magazines, and and as he reaches out we fall together into my leather La-Z-Boy recliner. 

He turns on the vibrating option and looks at me with his bulging eyes and whispers, “I’m going to cover you in chocolate buttons.”

[tgifanfic]

potent potables

                        By: MN

Ma says I don’t have a chance with Alec Trebek. She said people like him that are all worldly, well-traveled, and can pronounce every foreign word ever don’t associate with our kind. But between you and me, Ma is a little biased. She is always pushing me towards Everett. She says he is the practical choice and I don’t need to be stuffing my head with funny ideas about Alec.

Everett is the local taxidermist. He makes a decent living and is a nice enough guy. I brought our beloved Mr. Bojangle’s there because no one knows how to stuff a kitty like Everett.  “Howya doin’ ma’am?” 

He was trying to be nice, but I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Everett was anything but easy on the eyes. His tongue was too big, causing him both a comical speech impediment and forced him to loudly breath out of his mouth. His eyes were so far apart they were nearly on the side of his head. Often I wondered if they worked in unision or independently moved like a chameleon. He had hair everywhere, except the crown of his head which contained only a few wispy strands. Unfortunately he was one of two bachelors in the town. The other was Jeppy, the clam digger. Now he had a reputation for schucking the bearded clam, but was also known to never return a phone call. One thing was for sure, this town had slim pickins’.

Ever since high school, I have been practicing, filling my head with knowledge so I will be able to impress him. Every night I sit in front of the television and watch as the contestants compete in that academic coliseum.

“I thought I told you to turn that program off. Where is my access Hollywood?” Ma had interrupted Alec while he chastised one of the simple-minded contestants for mispronouncing Alsace-Lorraine. Alec’s French accent was among my favorite.  Every time I heard him pronounce a French name or territory, I began to feel things –things Everett would never make me feel.

“Here this came in the mail for you today,” my mother tossed me an envelope. In the return address was the Jeopardy logo. I tore at the envelope and read the letter as quickly as I could. I had been accepted to the show. Soon, I would be competing against two other contestants. I could practically feel the blue light of all those monitors against my skin. What would Alec be wearing? I had noticed he had forgone the mustache in recent episodes and secretly hoped he would grow it out…for me.

Finally, the day had arrived.  I put on my makeup, making sure to over apply as everything is exaggerated on television. One of the producers escorted me to the podium and stood me next to the other contestants. Then Alec walked out and stood behind his lectern.  Even though his upper lip was bald as ever, I immediately began to salivate. Unconsciously, my hand began to stroke up and down the answer buzzer; my thumb tracing the tip where the button rested. Alec read out the categories, and instinctively I knew to stick to the “How do you like dem eggs” and “Bodies of Water” categories. The other contestants attempted to answer questions from ‘Gourmet Cuisine” and “Crossword Clues ‘X’” but I knew better. Although, I loved his pronunciation of foreign foods. I stuck to the eggs.

[tgifanfic]

Hollow Holes - Guys Edition Part One

By: KM

The drive to Stars Hollow from New York was painful, every idiot has the same idea to visit a cozy New England town in the Fall but for me I am headed home – I belong there I’m not a silly tourist.

It’s been almost 5 years since I left for college to study supermarket management, I now have my own chain of independent shops “Forester’s Fanciful Finds” we feature gourmet items like Beluga caviar, White truffles and Chips Ahoy. I can’t wait to brag to Taylor that my shops are more successful than his puny market will ever be; that’s what he gets for making me be a bag boy for years when I should have been stock manager.

Slowly I drove around the town square giddy to see all of the changes, “Ahh they upgraded the gazebo, oh the bookstore expanded…looks like the music store went out of business, too bad for Lane.” My eyes slowly inched past Taylor’s closed Ice Cream Shoppe to see that Luke’s was still there, begging for me to come in. I was in desperate need for coffee and a thick burger. I quickly parked my Volvo SX69 around the corner and mentally pepped myself up to step into a time warp. 

I opened the door and the familiar scent of grease hits my face and I know I am home. At the Gilmore’s usual table is Miss Patty and she is feeding Kirk lemon meringue pie, a pretty disturbing site but glad Patty has finally found the one.

She notices me walk towards her and excitedly slams the pie into Kirk’s face and jumps out of her chair. “Dean! All the stars in the galaxy couldn't shine brighter than you my dear. You look marvelous!”

I can feel her eyes penetrate through my clothes; she always was flirty with me since high school. “Miss Patty you look ravishing!” I leaned in to give her a kiss on her cheek and could smell Icy Hot slathered all over her luscious body. Recently, I have developed a thing for older women maybe I should just dive in again!

“Hello Dean. You look nice but older. Would you like to buy the newest energy drink ‘Kirnergy’? Patti and I take one every night and we make noises that make the neighbors uncomfortable.” He takes Miss Patty’s hand and kisses it but keeps his eyes locked with mine and awkwardly winks.

“Sorry Kirk not today, I'm just going to grab some coffee if I can get some service. Hey, where’s Luke?” Just then Jess comes barreling out from the kitchen “Cesar, I need more ham!”

Jess pauses and continues to stare at me and mumbles “Oh, what are doing back here?”

He was always one for polite conversation; “I’m back in town for Homecoming, my sister Clara is in the court, well queen actually.”

Miss Patty piped in “Clara is amazing, the best dancer Stars Hollow has ever seen!”

Jess is running from table to table “Great, I don’t care. What do you want?” He starts pouring me a coffee to go without me saying a word. He sucks on his bottom lip before handing it over to me “Here, you’re good to go.” He scurries back over to attend to new customers that just sat down.

I forgot how intense his gaze was, even as a foot taller I still could feel the heat from his eyes.  I could tell that he gained muscle and filled out one of Luke’s old shirts. He had a broad chest, narrow waist and he stopped wearing Jncos so you could see his firm ass.

I start walking towards the door and Miss Patty motions me back over and whispered “He came back three years ago and took over the restaurant since Luke left town to escape Lorelai, Luke said he heard enough puns for several lifetimes and snapped. Nobody knows where he is and Jess is such a delight and really brought this place back to life. Sadly he doesn't ever date…I tried!”

Kirk nodded, “Even I tried.”

Thank god Miss Patty always knows exactly what is going on in everyone’s life. “Thanks for the info, I’ll see you around I bet.” I opened the door and look back at Jess, his gaze is locked on me, grinning. He has that same dopey side smile that I remember punching years ago at Kyle’s keg party.

I spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Stars Hollow team lose against Litchfield High for the 6th year in a row. Afterwards, I went out to dinner with my parents to Al’s Pancake house, it was Irish Caribbean night. I decided to take a late night walk since my parents went to sleep at 9pm and I felt weird crashing a high school party with my sister.

I headed towards town and saw Jess taking out the trash I was mesmerized by his body in motion. I remember watching him interact with Rory and everyone thought I was still in love with Rory but I knew myself, I wanted to be touched by Jess. Living in NY I am able to have anyone that I want and I like it like that – tonight Jess will be mine.

[tgifanfic]

Gilmore Girls & Hollow Holes

                             By: KM

Now that Rory is out of the house I can finally be my own woman – I no longer have to live in her shadow. People used to marvel that it was impossible for me to have an adult daughter but within the recent years people would just marvel at Rory’s success and mention what a terrible influence the show Teen mom is on the youth.

Luke and I are taking one of our famous breaks I just needed a little breathing room, the man is perfect but sometimes I need a little freedom every now and then. I ordered a pizza and picked up a bag of candy and was getting into a Lifetime Original Movie “Say Yes to Naughty.”

The movie opens with an older woman picking up slick looking dudes at a bar and I was just about to unbutton and get very naughty myself when I heard a knock at the door.

I throw my blankets across the couch; I could feel a tantrum starting “Can’t Luke just be by himself for ONE second?” I scream to the TV.

I stomp over to the door, “Luke – seriously I said I want t-“

“Oh hey Ms. Gilmore, I um it’s me Dean, sorry to interrupt so late at night, ahh but how’s life?” He smirked and leaned against the doorframe. His shyness seemed to melt away and came through bold and rough.

I gasp and smiled ear to ear; he was even taller than I remembered. I could smell his musk of pine and light sweat – like the kind you get from carrying laundry upstairs.

“Please yes – come in Dean…Deanie…Deanie Deanie let’s see your weenie.” I start choking on my salvia and wish I should slap myself. Rory always yelled at me for my inability to speak like an adult and this was one of those moments.

He walks in and lingers awkwardly in the foyer “Ms. Gilmore, could I bother you for some coffee?” His hands were shoved in his jean pockets – thank god he embraced the skinny jean trend because I could see he grew into quite the man over the years.

“Yea, totally that would be cool, come on let’s play catch up in the kitchen.” I really wish I didn’t say play to him but all I can think about is playing with his tongue like a kitten with a ball of yarn. I lead him into the kitchen and start scooping a bold Columbian roast into the coffee machine when he starts coughing for attention.

“Ahem- ahh-ughhh” God, he was terrible at being sly. I perk up and see him hovering over his bag excitedly.

“Wait Ms. Gilmore. I have this for you, I mean for you and Rory but mostly you. I know how much you guys like coffee so I bought you a Chemex and have fresh beans from Luxembourg that I roasted myself and insist that I prepare coffee for you.”

My heart dropped to my stomach – that is how Luke first made me anxious all over – through coffee. “Sure,” I forcefully put away the coffee away and try to ease my excitement and put a pot of water on the stove.

He opens his bag that is covered in patches from all over the world and then I see a beautiful firefly patch that looks worn out from rubbing and I realize he has been in love with me all those years he wasted on Rory. He pulls out a grinder and starts scooping the beans into the machine. His eyes close and he starts to moan, “These beans Ms. Gilmore, they are so intoxicating. Can you smell the rich mahogany and baby’s-breath seeping through and filling your soul?”

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him; I haven’t heard anyone talk so passionately about anything since Sookie discovered Cappuccino flavored potato chips. I try to shake off the impulses that are flying through my body, “So Dean, when did you begin your journey down Barista Lane?”  The scent of freshly ground beans filled my head and my parts below with hot flashes and joy.

He chuckled and tossed his hair back, in my mind he did it in slow motion like the movies and the scent of Cardamom bounced off his shoulder length locks.  I didn’t realize how close I was to him until he almost bumped into me with the boiling water. “Whoa! I remember you loved coffee but calm down Lorelai, this takes five minutes for a strong brew” and then he whispered “I know just like you like it.”

“Just how I like it, Dean? Tell me how do I like it?” I started to move even closer and I could tell he was getting nervous that I heard the last part.

“Ms. Gilmore” he gasped, “I-I think the coffee is ready now!” He twists his body over the table I can see a peak of his taunt torso – each muscle moving as he pushes the press down. He begins to pour two cups and is taking very deep breaths “Ah-ahem so do you still have the car I made for Rory, that’s also why I’m here…I want to see if I can jump-start it, you know get the old motor running again, make the gal feel alive again.”

He turned towards me and hand me a mug, his large sweaty palms cupping mine; I could feel his heartbeat. I couldn’t handle this game of verbal badminton for much longer. I remembered how long it took for Dean to make a move on Rory and how many mix tapes would be made, after all these years he is still bashful to make a move.

I take the mug from him and place it on the counter and run my hand through his hair and tightly grab a handful while my lips find his and say, “Of course I kept the car but more importantly can all your junk fit inside my trunk?”

[tgifanfic]

Love It, List It, Quit IT

                                 By: MN

I can't believe we have made it seven seasons. I remember my first time meeting with the production team. The producers sat with us at a long, oak table and encouraged the bickering between me and my co-star, David Visentin. 

Since then I have begun to hate David. Everything from his smug one-liners to the rings he wears on his hands. My hatred for him was blinding, and I was getting distracted. I worked hard to maintain my focus and listen to his whiny, nasal voice.

"Hilary, that family gave you quite the list, eh? Looks like you have to redo a basement and create an open concept kitchen? I am going to make them so happy that the only thought they will have is to...LIST IT!" David waved pom-pass, flamboyant hands in front of my face. He really had a flare for the dramatic.

"Oh, honestly, just fuck off David!"

Quickly, the director chastised me, "CUT! Hilary, what was that, you know we can't use language like that on a family friendly renovation show! Come on eh, take 5 everyone. Let's all just get some poutine and have a Labatt Blue."

I retreated to my brilliantly designed trailer, though it was small sanctuary it had more storage than any family of four could fill. I collapsed dramatically on a beige chaise lounge. The piece was both decorative and functional and blended seamlessly  with the rest of the trailer decor. I rubbed my temples to try to get my migraine to subside, but was not able to relax when I heard the rapping on the door.

"Hilary, I know you are in there. Open up, we need to talk."

Ugh, it was David.

I opened the door and let him in, I returned to my chaise and tried to ignore him; David chose to sit on an foot stool that also doubled as a storage container. 

"Hilary, what we do out there, its just an act. I don't really have any doubts in your ability to transform a home. I think you work magic, actually I have always admired your work...and other things," for a blunt, obnoxious troll, David sure was being evasive.

I was growing impatient, "What are you talking about David, come on now, spit it out." 

David continued,"Remember the Smith house? The one with the cracked foundation? Well, the entire time I watched you deal with that unexpected catastrophe, all I could think was, I'd like to fill Hilary's crack."

"David!" I was surprised at my own tone, it wasn't out right rejection but had a hint of flirtation. Slowly I walked over to where he was sitting on the stool, the inexpensive imitation leather would be able to clean easily. We were doing this.

David kissed with the excessive tongue of a bald man with something to prove. I had expected this. In the heat of the moment I sucked his thumb ring right off his hand and spit it across the room, in the throws of passion I moaned, "Oh David, I always thought you were gay!"

An inch from my face David replied in a whisper, "Am I a homosexual, or just Canadian?"

[tgifanfic]

Pete's Peters Part: 2

By : KM

I am hiding my dad's man cave even though my mom and him are always in here; from my bedroom I hear slapping and AM radio static, it’s disgusting.

I start to tighten my Buffalo Check tie when my eyes fall on Nona on the tree swing. Ellen hates that I am wearing this tie to the wedding but I remembered Nona always said how wonderful it is that the print matches my hair.

We haven’t spoken since I heard about her and Ellen; I can’t believe how she tossed me aside like I wasn’t her one true love. I could tell that her gaze was towards Ellen getting ready in my room.

Maybe she is thinking of me, I wondered. She slowly looked around the yard until her eyes locked with mine. I was still inside staring at her so I can only imagine how creepy I looked.

She smiled meekly and then walked towards the appetizers and began to rearrange the table. I sat back down and reached for my Orange Lazarus Slushie spiked with vodka, I need to get a buzz on for the ceremony.

A few moments later there was a quick knock at the door, it was Non with a wide smile. I opened the door and she blurted out “Hey Blowhole” and then started to laugh uncontrollably. That was my line and she knows how annoyed I get when people use my great catchphrases.

“You’ll always be a blowhole,” I say shakily. She finally stops laughing “Here, I brought you some Kreb-fish crackers since you aren’t coming out of your hut.”

She must think I am such a freak. “Thanks Non, I was just trying to stay out of everyone’s way while you were setting up.”

She let out a sigh of exhaustion and started “Oh it’s no—“

“Non, come quick the pigs in a blanket needs your attention” her father screamed out the window in a panic.

I could feel his eyes narrow on me, I used to be his favorite stooge but once Nona became a successful caterer he didn’t think I was good enough for her. He even wanted her to be with Pit-Stain since he became a restaurateur – who would eat at a place where that smelly dill weed worked?

“I guess I should go check on those…I’ll talk to you later Pete” she lingered for a few seconds and then ran back to the house.  I could see her dart around inside and my mind wandered to our night inside the soundproof room my dad built for me when my burping was out of control.

It was the summer right before college and we spent the day swimming and stopped to get ice cream from Mr. Tastee. Out of the blue Nona said “Remember during spring fling and I fell in love with you and you loved the mail lady?”

I cringed, I can’t believe I was so dumb and missed out on so many clues when I was younger.

“Ha-ha, yea, I have a thing for starchy uniforms and authoritative figures.” I could feel my cheeks getting brighter with each step taken.

Nona slowed down and took my hand, with a quick breath she uttered “What I was thinking is that maybe we should try to become experienced as possible so we are ready for any situation in college.” I was stunned and just as my stomach dropped to the floor Not-so-little Pete bounced to full attention.

“Sure, “ I squeaked out.

“Great, I will come over at 9, we can use your burp room so nobody will hear us.” She leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek and ran off to her house.

The burp room is one of the greatest things my dad has ever done for me, I sprint home and break into Big Pete’s secret box under his bed and grab some Kreb-doms and Krebricant, its marmalade cream flavored, I hope she will like that.

I wait in the room and then finally I hear a knock and Nona enters slowly. She is wearing a bright blue tube top with cutoffs, she looks beautiful; I regret just wearing my gym shorts.

She walks over to me and puts my hand on her lower back and she gently starts stroking Petunia. I can feel my Pete quivering and I pull her closer to me and whisper “Petunia wants to shake it for you.”

[tgifanfic]

Self love sunday : Rosehands

                       By: MN

“DARLENE!?” Where was everyone? We have lived in Landford our entire lives and this house has never been empty. Becky always has some girls over pretending to do homework while they talk about boys and Darlene usually has some friends over playing basketball out by the garage. And if they are at the mall, well then you just know that Jackie is going to show up telling me about her latest job. Dan’s usually got about 5 men scratching themselves while smoking cigars and playing poker. This house has never been empty.   I struggle to lift myself out of the bed. I must have napped longer than I realized. I head into the bathroom to draw myself a bath. I intend on using this time alone wisely.  One look at the bathtub makes me cringe. After Dan had to close the bike shop and I took on several jobs, the tub had seen better –and cleaner- days. Still, I need to make good use of this time. Before you know it Dan will be home begging for pizza, and Darlene will be home siding with Dan. After my third slice, Becky will pretentiously ask me, “Mother, don’t you know how much fat is in one slice of pizza?” Quickly I scurry to the kitchen in just my leggings and an oversized t-shirt. I grab some cleaning supplies from under the sink and give the tub a quick scrub.   While I am drawing my bath, I sneak into a Rubbermaid bin in my closet. My secret stash! Even though I am constantly grocery shopping I can never seem to keep food in the pantry. Here I have some supermarket brand corn chips. I bring them with me into the tub.   While I am soaking in the warm water, I really begin to relax. My tongue gently traces my lips, still salty from the corn chips. While I gently suck the residue from my mouth, my hand begins to wander. While one hand continues to gently place the crunchy chips on my tongue, my other hand finds the removable shower head. My crunching mouth finds a nice rhythm with the pulsating shower jet. Slowly my hips begin to move to meet the rush of water.  Just as my toes begin to strain and I wonder if I can take anymore, my free hand pours the remaining crumbs from the corn chips into my mouth. Exhausted I drop the bag, the foil floating on the tub.   Slightly embarrassed, I wonder if my crunching was too loud. Did somebody hear me? Quickly I dry off and throw the corn chip bag away, destroying any evidence.  I drain the tub and plop back onto my side of the bed. I gently tuck my hands below my cheek and close my eyes. The wise thing to do would be to use this last couple minutes of peace and quiet to catch up on some much needed rest. But there is a problem…I’m still hungry.   To be continued…

[tgifanfic]

Pete & Pete and their Peters Part: One

                                         By: KM

Finally the big day is here, Big Pete and Ellen’s wedding. All of the preparations hopefully will be worth it since the last 6 months have been absolute hell. It’s a miracle that they are still together even after everything that has happened. I start laughing to myself just as my dad walks in carrying a tray of lemon and rose infused French macarons...shirtless.

“DAD! I told you that when you enter the kitchen you have to be fully clothed!”

The man has a hatred of shirts it’s completely ridiculous! If I want to take myself seriously as a caterer then my staff needs to respect my rules. I guess after this wedding I should hire some ripped college boys instead of using my wrinkly father. When I was younger I thought he was so bad ass with his long hair, tight jeans and no shirt but now you can tell know aged his is; his former tight stomach sags and his hair is thin and gray. Women still fawn over him but they are just trash looking for one last bad boy to fix.

My dad rolls his eyes, “Nona, you know I hate how fabric constricts me, its all a conspiracy and don’t let them fool you. You know they just want more money from you, we all can be topless!”

“Yea, whatever dad. Just wear the shirt for me and then you can burn it at the bonfire tonight, deal?”

He perks up and smiles, “sweet anarchy” he whispers and walks out of the room, forgetting to bring out the cheese plate.

The amount of stress was starting to get to me, I wish my cast was still on and I could scratch it; I always got so much pleasure from that. I grab the cheese plate that was filled with Blue, Limburger, Camembert, and Kraft American slices (Pete’s favorite) and walk out the kitchen towards the backyard.

“Nona” a monotone voice calls out from behind me, Big Pete is sitting in a chair in the corner of the sunroom. As the years went on he became odd and a bit of a recluse. Ellen brought him back to life; she has that ability on most.

“Everything looks great, I mean that and I don’t want anything to be awkward. Whatever happened is in the past and I never told my parents or anyone else for that matter” he nervously forced that rehearsed speech out.

Oh Jesus Christ! I thought to myself why does he have to bring up crap from the past, especially now! He never got over anything that didn’t include him.

“Pete, oh my gosh of course not! Everything will be perfect and we really don’t need to talk about this ever again.” I smile but I can see I wasn’t convincing.

“Ha-ha yea of course” he mumbles and goes back to reading Psychology Today.

I walk out to the backyard and the humidity smacks me in the face, these cheeses are going to be a sweaty mess soon. I glance towards the second story window and see Ellen putting the finishing touches on her bridesmaids’ makeup. I was kind of insulted that she didn’t ask me to be one since we were closer than those girls but I think Big Pete would have rejected that idea. I grab a glass of mint lemonade and put a giant splash of vodka in it and sat on the tree swing. Since Big Pete opened his mouth and brought up the past, all I can do is think about Ellen.

We all ended up at Wellsville University together, where else would we go? Ellen was a senior and part of the DIC sorority and saw me in the quad during rush week.

I heard hurried footsteps approaching me “OH-ME-GHEEEEEEEE! Nona it’s been so long, how are you, tell me everything, what is going on with your life!? How is your dad?” She added with a smirk.

Ellen hasn’t changed a bit; she still talked a million miles a minute and was super upbeat. I always knew she had a crush on my dad and a year later they would finally make out at a Polaris reunion concert. She was very fit and was wearing a short plaid skirt with a thin linen tank. It was a pretty revealing outfit to go to class in.

She somehow talked me into pledging and ended up being my Big. We started to spend hours together; it felt so natural for us. One night in her room at the sorority house we got wasted on watermelon pucker she made the boldest move ever, a night I will never forget.

All the other sisters were at a frat mixer so it was just us in the house. So far all the pledges had to bang a brother from the PUS frat but she always made up excuses for me. “Non has strep throat” or “Non is recovering from a flare-up,” that one kept them away for weeks. We would walk through campus with our arms linked and when we were extra silly we would hold hands. Several times when we were drunk she would slip her hand into my back jean pocket and gently caress me as we walked home. I never thought anything of it; the only time I have been with someone was with Little Pete and Petunia. I never had thoughts about a real woman before.

“Noni, can you take off your cast for me...I want to feel your skin,” she started to laugh softly, “I mean like is it pruned or extra soft?” Her eyes were darting all over the room with anxiety.

I swallowed hard; nobody has ever felt me in that way. I started to fidget with my hair and watch her pour me one more shot of pucker. She winks at me and we down the shot together.

The tart watermelon hits the back of my throat and makes me wince and cough; I slam my shot glass down “ok, you weird-OOOO” I say shaking my head. My mind is spinning but my body is begging to be touched.

Slowly I take it off and it makes a suction noise; it always reminds me of when the vacuum hose gets caught on the drapes. I look up and see Ellen red in the face and panting. I watch her chest rise and my breathing begin to mimics hers.  

“Wow, its wild,” her hand begins to stroke my arm, “so soft and pure.” She muttered.

The touch of her hand is sending me through a wave of emotions and she slowly leans in and her hand starts traveling toward my pants. I am overcome with excitement and belt out “Ai yai yai yai!”

[tgifanfic]

For Love or G.U.T.S. Part Deux

                                    By: K.M.

I can’t believe she is falling for this act; she always did have a soft spot for the underdogs who win. She is so predictable. We have been hosting GUTS together for years and the furthest we got was a make out session at Senor Tadpole’s while we were bombed on margaritas. After my tongue swirled inside her sugary lime mouth she said “Mike, stop we have to think of the children.”

“Mo, we don’t have any together… yet.” I tried inching my tongue back in for more but she clarified “Our GUTS contestants, how do you think it would affect their performance if they knew we were an item, they would place us in a category next to their parents, for now we are the cool older kids to them.” And that’s how she left it three years ago.

Now, here she is throwing herself on to this kid, Matt, we both know he is too old for the competition but whatever helps the ratings and this wimp is boosting them big time.  I can see Mo’s chest heaving and his hand is hovering over her right breast, the bigger one. I run over to stop it just in time, she must have forgotten that we were still taping.

“Great job buddy, now how about you run over and talk to Frenchie over there.” I shove him hard away from us.  He looks confused and filled with lust.

“Mo, what’s going on, I mean he is 18 and you’re a vivacious woman of 28, get it together. He won’t know how to be rough and tender with you.”

Her eyes are still on him, “What the hell are you talking about Mike? His ass is so firm yet looks soft like a warm cookie.” I almost threw up in her hair.

Mo wanders over to him to congratulate him some more as well as get a firm unnoticed grasp of his ass. I know once an older woman trains a young man how to love they will be their sex slaves for life, I need to stop this at once. I notice Colette weeping into her country’s flag; I heard she gave up Brie and bread for a whole year during her training.

“Psst, yo, frenchie, come here!” She first pretends not to understand English but reluctantly comes over.

“What do zee want?” she asks unenthusiastically. Oh, the French have a way with manners.

“How would you like to mess things up with Mr. Hotshot over there?”

“You mean like take first place from him?” Her eyes glowed and she was practically drooling for the gold metal.

“Not necessarily, but we can ruin other opportunities for him which is better than first place.”

She thought for a moment, “He threw crag rocks at me otherwize I would have won, let’s bring hem down.” Her eyes had a spark that flashed, just like a young Mo once had.

The plan was set in motion, I did have to give Frenchie a piece of the Agro Crag, and she just understands its colored plastic, right?

I saw Matt slyly give Mo’s breast a squeeze before he ran back to wardrobe, “God this kid is an amateur,” I thought. I put my lucky whistle around my neck and donned my finest baseball cap; I went over to Mo and told her we needed some promo photos with the contestants.

She happily complied and told me all about Matt, “He has these amazing theories about Lord of the Rings, he has such a fascinating young mind.”

We arrived in the middle of the set and Mo let out a sad sigh. Colette was playing her part perfectly; it is hard for any guy to resist a French girl especially when she is playing with your ear whispering foreign words to you. Matt’s face is red and he is trying to hide himself with his helmet. She tries to get his attention but goes unnoticed, her sexual aggression is building up and I am there to accept it all.

Before I can say anything Mo turns to me and grabs my lucky whistle and says “You want to blow on this or should I?”

[tgifanfic]

For Love or G.U.T.S. Part:1

                                  By: MN

As an athlete, I am used to sacrifice.

I come from a very competitive family. My dad, a former Olympic power lifter, had us just to continue his athletic legacy. I have spent more than one family thanksgiving listening to pop tell us the only reason he agreed to marry mom was because she was “good breeding stock.” My dad has been training us since I can remember; he even quit his job and turned the garage into a home gym. I may never be able to forget the sound of him screaming, “No pain, no gain!”

At an early age he told us that when the time was right, he would be driving us to Universal Studios in Orlando Florida to compete in the global phenomenon: Global G.U.T.S. Whenever he mentioned the competition, he would look past us towards a vacant spot on the mantel. We all knew what that spot was for: a piece of the awesome glowing rock, the Aggro Crag. Dad had to have it and nothing would stop him.

In order to minimize distractions and train us to keep our focus, Dad would throw foam rocks at us and fill the garage with smoke while we lifted. I was a constant disappointment to my dad. More birthdays came and went. I even postponed my SAT exam and college applications to better prepare. Finally on my 18th birthday he said I was ready. I was small for my age and easily able to pass for much younger.

Finally, the day had arrived. My family packed up the minivan to drive to Universal Studios. My mother refused to go, she claimed my father was losing his mind over a children’s game show. She didn’t understand. In order for us to prep, my dad refused to play music during the drive. We would drink our protein shakes in silence. Thinking about the glowing rock.

After arriving and gearing up, I surveyed the competition: a Ukrainian boy and a French girl. Their yellow helmets intimidated me, but I had to get past it. I was representing my country. I couldn’t afford to be afraid. Fear was a distraction.

Then I saw her.

Mo was the game’s referee, when I walked by she winked at me. She knew all the rules and regulations. Her hair was short and kept back by a no nonsense, hands free microphone she wore on her head. Her accent was perfectly charming. I had prepared for everything, but I hadn’t prepared for her.

My entire youth and adolescence had been spent training for G.U.T.S., the ways of love were a mystery to me. I never had interactions with girls, I began to see foam and smoke as sexual objects, which made training difficult for a few months. I knew how to slam dunk a plush basketball while being tethered in a wave pool but had no idea how to please a woman.

I breezed through the preliminary events and had finally made it to the Aggro Crag, the most intense and demanding event G.U.T.S. had to offer. I could beat those Europeans. I had too.

That’s when Mo leaned over and whispered, “Good Luck” into my ear. I could feel her hot breath pulsating against my face. I would do it for her.

[tgifanfic]

Are You Afraid of a Poke?

By KM

I glance around my childhood bedroom and wonder, “How did I fit in this race car bed until senior year?”

My ten-year high school reunion is tomorrow, but I don't care about that. Tonight is the most important night since I lost my virginity two years ago: I'm about to be reunited with the Midnight Society, and most importantly with Kristen. Last time I saw her was the night before she moved away. I tried to say goodbye but all she cared about was David’s tongue. Instead I had to pretend to like dorky Sam. I guess the nerds and dorks should be together, but I want the hot girl! After Kristen left I got mildly depressed and immersed myself in writing more stories about my favorite magician, Sardo. Sam moved on and dated the A.V. President. Good for her!

I stare out my window and notice the wind is picking up and the moon is illuminating the woods. “Tonight's going to be just like how I imagined. Kristin will finally be mine.” I start laughing to myself, giddy with the possibility of this actually happening. It's helpful that David won't even be able to make it because he's in a sober living house in Florida. Meth destroyed his perfect face—ha-ha!

I quietly walk down the stairs, hoping my parents won't hear me leaving. They always found The Midnight Society to be a waste of time, even though it was my grandfather that started this! They're both lawyers, my mother specializing in divorces and my stepfather specializing in his legal assistant. They were really angry that I dropped out of college to open up a magic shop in Montreal, but the joke's on them. The business has been wildly successful, and even David Blaine highlighted the shop in his TV special “Ill-usions or Real-usions.”

I grab my things and let the garage door hum shut behind me. I'm sure to have my tent and sleeping bag—we never spent the night after telling our tales, but now that we're adults, there will be alcohol involved. We all thought it would be best to camp out instead of stumbling home in the dark. I shudder to remember how back in high school, I always went home after our story sessions while everyone else went to wild parties. I just sat alone and played with my magic stick.

The trail I used to walk on is now partially destroyed by a new development that went up years ago. I look up into the lit-up, curtainless window of one of the immaculate new condos and see a MILF start to slowly undress. I stop dead in my tracks and stare for a minute, but my wild beast below urges me to run to see Kristen. I continue on down the path.

The smell of campfire begins to fill my lungs and I can hear the chatter ahead. While I'm still out of sight from the rest of the gang, I drop my bags and do a few quick push-ups, one last desperate attempt to look beefy. I give myself a silent pep talk. “You got this. You have a successful business, you finally got contacts, and you know how to use your body— alone and with a woman.”

I see the glow of the flames and take a deep breath as I walk into the circle. “Hello, boys and girls,” I say slowly with a smile. I always know how to maintain a level of creepiness.

A few voices shout out in unison, “Gary!” Eric, Mary-Anne, and Frank get up to attack me with hugs. The rest of the group waves and continues on in private conversations. We exchange pleasantries and start setting up our tents, and then I notice her. Her wispy blond hair could be seen from miles away. She turns towards me, and that’s when my face becomes twisted and confused.

In front of me is this image of womanly perfection, wearing a flannel loosely buttoned with super-short cut-off jorts. She's pushing her hair behind her ear while looking me up and down with her whiskey-colored eyes.

Her arm reaches over and rests upon my shoulder. She says my name in a breathless manner that you would expect from someone who just ran a mile: “Garrry.” The way she says the ‘r’ draws it out a second more.

“It’s me, Samantha! Well, I mean, Sam.”

My knees buckle and I almost face-plant into her ample chest, which was definitely not as plump last time I saw her.

“Of course, Sam. I could never forget you.” I quickly scan around the fire. If Sam turned out this amazing, then Kristen must be a million times better than what I remember. Sam grabs my hand and squeezes it hard and leads me to a bench at the fire.

Directly across from me I see Kristen. Her hair is thin, her eyes look tired, yet she is still beautiful to me. She throws the bag of midnight dust at Kiki to start the night. Kristen does not take her eyes off of Sam or me.

As we listen to Kiki's tale, Sam reaches over and puts her hand on my inner thigh and leans her face close to mine. I can feel her eyelashes and breath on my neck, which sends me into high alert.

“Feel free to stop by my tent later on,” she whispers.

My face looks like someone just said Houdini just rose from the grave (I wish!), and I try to say casually I that I have my own tent for the night.

She then moves her hand onto my wand and says, “C'mon. You can come by later.” She quietly leaves the circle.

I don't know how much time passes, but next thing I know I'm helping put out the fire and saying goodnight to everyone. I slowly walk over to Sam’s tent, which is farther away from the site, and I scratch on the tent door. “Uh, Sam, it’s Gary. May I enter?”

The zipper slowly opens and to my surprise, Sam and Kristen are waiting for me. Kristen grabs me by my collar and giggles out, “Finally!”

Sam moves over to zip up the tent, and as she turns out the lantern she whispers, “Submitted for the approval of the pound town society…"

[tgifanfic]

Throwback Thursday: The Flintbones

By MN

Marriages are a lot of work, but for the most part, they are worth it.

Me and Wilma, we have been having marital issues. It's not that we don't honor, love, and respect each other; our vows are still intact, but sometimes in married life the "spark" goes out. Honestly, it's not me. I know a lot of guys say that, but I love my wife and still find her as beautiful as the day we met. I still like to spoil my girl with the latest rock jewelry. I love coming home from the quarry and seeing her in that sexy, ripped, one-shouldered dress. The rock necklace she wears, inspired by pearls, makes me think all kinds of things, every day.

But Wilma, she has always been into feet. When we were newlyweds I remember the things she used to do, every inch of my feet from my heel to my toes. That was then. Now Wilma says my feet are too calloused and dirty from pedaling my way around town. Women. You think they want the latest family vehicle and as soon as you get it, they find it unattractive.

We even had Pebbles, our later-in-life baby, to try to help the marriage. To recreate what was once there, what might still be there. But that spark, that passion, is not there. I don't know what to do or who I can talk to.

I come home from work and sit on a nice shale sofa, kicking my feet up on our sandstone coffee table. Wilma comes in, and she eyes my feet with disdain before taking a seat next to me.

"Fred, I love you, and I love our family, but we need to do something. It's been a stone age since I have even—"

I cut her off before she can humiliate me. "I know, at this point I am willing to try anything."

Wilma is enlivened by my willingness. "Great! In this months issue of Playbone, the advice column recommends inviting someone into our bedroom, maybe a couple?"

"I don't know Wilma," I say, shocked and hesitant. "I mean, we are advanced people. We aren't hunters and gatherers here. But I guess if it's what you need."

*

The next day, I come home from work, looking forward to the weekend. Wilma greets me wearing nothing but a leopard skin robe and two crayfish hanging from her ears as earrings. I open the mouth of the pelican and put by keys into his bill, just like the article said. I reach in to find another set of keys. I feel around and notice there is only one set of keys in there. I pull out the key ring and out walks Betty and Barney, our next-door neighbors.

"Howya doing, Fred?" Barney asks.

"Enough talk," Betty prompts before grabbing my wife's hand and pushing Barney to the bedroom.

Reluctantly, I follow them. I feel around the darkness trying to find the way to the rock-urpedic bed. I am barely in the room before I feel Betty's finger poking straight into my La Brea Tar Pit.

Startled, I yelp, "Yabba Dabba Doooo!"

[tgifanfic]

Self-Love Saturday: Hard Guy

By MN

T. J. Henderson likes to think of himself as an academic celebrity. In his youth he was defined as, super-intelligent—a fine, young gentleman. And it’s true that T.J. knows many things. His thirst for knowledge and exceptional intellect allowed him to transfer from the fourth to the tenth grade. That was many years ago. Now T.J. is a science teacher at the same high school he once attended as a boy genius in Washington, D.C. While his aptitude is undeniable, his emotional maturity is lacking. As a twenty-five year-old man, he has yet to know a woman’s touch. And he’s ready and eager to learn. On this beautiful spring day, T.J.’s staying at school late to work on an extracurricular chemistry project. He’s sure his students will love this, even though it’s not in the syllabus. Through the lab window he sees his suave older brother, Marcus, wooing a naive senior girl. Marcus graduated some time ago, and has not aged gracefully. Many of his teeth have been replaced with silver, gold, and precious stones. Far from the basketball star he once was,  Marcus is now gaunt with protruding cheekbones. Though his appearance has faded, he still frequents the school yard with his friend Mo to try to pick up girls. Currently T.J. sees he’s talking to Shanaya, an 18 year old cheerleader and one of T.J.'s students. T.J. watches intently as Marcus leans in and tells Shanaya an apparently hysterical joke, his lips almost grazing her neck. The girl throws her head back in a flirtatious giggle, showing a row of perfectly straight, white teeth. She coyly slips her hand into the belt loop of Marcus' Ecco jeans as he continues to whisper things into her ear. T.J. sighs heavily, both with envy and annoyance, and turns back to his work. Marcus was somewhat of a player at Piedmont High School in his day, and he set a high precedent for T.J. Marcus used to encourage his little brother, calling him “a pugnacious little shorty with a thousand IQ,” but he never taught him about women. There are some things brains can't get you…or can they? T.J. packs up and hurries over to the library where he quickly finds an anatomy book to check out and bring back to his classroom. With his diligent research and comprehension skills, he sets out to study the mechanics of sexual intercourse. *

For months, T.J. works on equations from almost every branch of science on multiple chalkboards. His intensity is growing and rising; he has read nearly every book there is on female anatomy. T.J. has once again mastered another subject, and this time his knowledge knows no bounds. He has nearly calculated a way to learn a woman's touch—without a female counterpart! He is beyond excited by the thought of pseudo-intimacy as well as his own academic achievement. He grips the chalk in his hand and firmly, yet gently, uses it to continue his work on the board. The chalk goes back and forth, with slight friction and a constant, steady motion. Once again, science prevails. Now, your favorite little study buddy, he knows the deal…and the feel.

[tgifanfic]

Flesh Prince of Bel-Air

By KM

I have watched Jeffrey make this a thousand times for the family but have never really paid attention. From Julia Child’s The Art of French Cooking, the recipe is about as easy as shooting a 3-pointer, and I know it requires a delicate skill that I lack. But I’m not doing a bad job, I think as I stir the creamy, melt-in-your mouth hollandaise sauce as it smoothly bubbles on the stove. They always say food is the way to a man’s heart. I never expected my life to turn out like this; just several years ago I was on the streets hustling in West Philadelphia. Now, I’m living like the prince of Beverly Hills. I have a Jeep and a butler who does everything for me, including keeping my most guarded secret. See, over the course of tennis matches, sauna sessions, and lessons about French wines, I have fallen in love with my cousin, Carlton. I had no idea that A) I was attracted to men and B) that I could be attracted to someone who was so short, pompous and preppy. I know he sees me only as a thug who will never be successful but I hope I can change his mind. Showing him that I can master Eggs Benedict (his favorite) is only the first step in showing him my mature side. I know, my COUSIN! But, since we cannot produce a child together, everything is fine! I know he feels the same way; several weeks ago he was spotting me while I was doing some bench presses, and after several reps with too much weight (I was trying to show off), he helped me do that last few, grabbing my biceps and strongly massaging them as we completed the set. After that he quickly ran off and went into the sauna alone, even though we always do that together…naked. We live together in the pool house, but for the past few nights I’ve heard him pacing around the kitchen and then leaving to sleep in the big house. He suffers from insomnia, and I am so tempted to confront him with my feelings during these sleepless nights but in my heart I know it wasn’t the right time. I am hurrying to finish up the breakfast dish; I’ve already set the table and have fresh tulips from Aunt Lil’s garden as a centerpiece. I look across to the pool and see him get out after doing his morning laps. He is drying himself off and our eyes lock. He leaves the towel behind and heads toward me. He opens the door and closes it softly behind him. “Good morning, Will!” he says, and he smiles while he tries to hurry around me. “I have such a busy day ahead. Must talk to Bartholomew about the pending merger and then drinks at the Yacht club.” “Morning, Carlton. I made eggs Benedict, or at least I attempted to…will you try it and give me a review?” I chuckle but my palms are sweating so much I almost drop the plate. “Umm, of course Will,” he says with some hesitance, but I see a flicker of eagerness in his eyes. “I would be happy to be your taste tester.”  He sits down and I can only think about what he tastes like. He begins to eat. “OH MY GOD!” he exclaims. “This is amazing, Will! I have never tasted sauce so rich, and the eggs are perfect, just oozing out.” I bite my tongue and choke on my salvia when he says “oozing.” “Thank you. So glad you enjoy it.” I clear my throat. “Carlton…I just need to tell you this, even if you…umm…don’t feel the same way.” I stuff food in my mouth, feeling foolish and delaying next part of my speech. He remains silent and watches me, wide-eyed. Eventually I swallow and continue. “You are always in my head. I can’t stop thinking about you.” “Will,” he interrupts me as he smirks, “I know exactly how you feel and reciprocate all emotions.” Still staring at me, he takes a spoon full of hollandaise sauce and drops it on his Vineyard Vines swim trunks. “Whoops! Guess I will have to take these off.” He stands up and before he unties them and he leans in and whispers, “Got more sauce?”

[tgifanfic]

Stepped on Love

By KM

My least favorite day is Sunday, grocery shopping day. I have to shop for ten people and nobody ever wants to help me. I look like one of those extreme couponers with two giant carts. Just once, I would appreciate an extra set of hands, but nobody wants to help out sweet Carol. No, I should say sweet and sexy Carol—I know I still got it. I use my ThighMaster every day.

I finally pull into our driveway, where Frank’s nephew Cody has a large van that he lives in, and thankfully it is hidden from street view. I roll my eyes but then I discreetly peer around the corner to see if he is home. He is extremely dim but he’s often out tanning in a lawn chair, and this guy has a washboard stomach.

I open up the hatchback and start to unload all of my bags when I hear a manic, giggling voice shout out, “Heeeyyy, Carol, just soakin' up some rays!” Cody is very bronze already and wearing very small swimming trunks. He has a layer of zinc oxide on his nose, making him look so idiotic. From the neck up, anyway. After he sees me struggling it finally clicks in his head to lend a hand. “Oh, my bad! Here, let the Codeman help out!”

He stumbles over, still in a sun daze, and grabs one of the heaviest bags and carries it into the house while I follow behind him, enjoying the view. He smells of salty grass and Hawaiian Tropic, a heavenly combination I remember from my summer of discovery at age eighteen. I get lost in the memory, and when I recover, I only have one thing on my mind: Cody. I do love my husband and know that Cody is in love with my eldest daughter Dana, but why drive the brand new car when you can take a spin in the priceless original model?

My eyes are following his muscles as he bends and stretches to put all the groceries away in the pantry. He has such a tight butt; I haven’t seen a butt like that for decades. Frank is a handsome silver fox, sure, but he has let himself go the past few years. Even after I had my adorable little accident, Lilly, I was able to get my body into shape, even better than before!

“Here, Cody, let me help you with those” I reach down and pull out a box of linguine. I cross my body in front of his on my tiptoes and try to put the box on the top shelf. I can sense his eyes all over my body as he helps me with my struggle by slightly lifting me up, his hands on my ribs, grazing my breasts. He gently lowers me down and starts to shut the pantry door. He sweetly whispers in my ear, “Have no fear, the Codeman is here.” I will never look at dried pasta the same way again.