trigger warning
its been a long time since ive posted here, and i don’t really expect any of the people who used to follow me to still be here. but i needed somewhere to vent this because i cant bring myself to message a friend and im too afraid of what would happen if i messaged a help line. Ive been really depressed, been dealing with the loss of essentially my emotional support animal, i have never felt closer to any other living thing in my life than to her. and just the entire shroud of sadness ive been living in. I am also extremely overweight and been consuming a larger amount of sugar than normal and i believe i am now dealing with an untreated diabetes situation. Which has caused me to practically pass out from either high or low blood sugar on a few days. i dont know which it is because it could be from just too much sugar in my blood or the crash that happens after. i dont have any medical equipment to find out. But this has caused an issue with intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation where i could just kill myself by “accident” by the amount of sugar i eat. and ive been in a pinball of thinking damn i need to get this undercontroll or i could just give up. I cant see a future for myself, im filled with dread at the thought of having to be fully on my own. i dont have a job, i cant imagine managing having a job its unfathomable. i struggle to exist day to day when i have nothing to do how could i manage anything else. ive got so many health issues and no fucking money, i hate the body i am in i hate that i feel unworthy of love because im too far poor cant drive who the fuck would love a burden like me.
i think i should go to a mental hospital, but they have been used as a threat for me my whole life so the amount of fear i have for them is crazy. but also its not like i actually have some real plan to kill myself, i dont think eating a bag of fucking sugar is gonna take me out and i dont plan to try any other way. i cant afford to waste money trying to get help im already in so much fucking debt i will never get out of especially with no way to make money.
what i crave is a sense of support and structure and being forced to do things that are good for me and be forced to eat healthy food, i dont have the strength or ambition to do it for myself, but everyone always says the decision has to be yours or else it wont work, well i can never make myself make that decision over preferring to just let myself fucking rot and die.
