What do I write here

I'm new, but not escaping-from-Twitter new, more I-Loved-The-Fandom-Shit-I-Saw-From-Here- On-Insta-And-Wanted-To-Join which might be worse, sorry

[pettycentral]

[penandinkprincess]

among the reasons i love shane goes to boston as an idea is that cliff marlowe is a fucking GIANT of a man, and i have the very funny idea in my head that being ilya's boyfriend means shane gets auto-included into the Bro Manhandling that i KNOW that man gives out to his friends.

and like. LISTEN. shane is a tough, strong dude, okay? he has played a heavy contact sport since he was an itty bitty. he is no shrinking violet. he can take a hit and get back up and keep going. he's no stranger to like. grabbing shoulders and a little playful jostling. but i also feel like his vibe on the team with the metros made him a little untouchable (first with respect that still made him "other" and then with. well.) beyond things like shoulder punches from jj and helmet taps with hayden.

and now he's gotten tossed into this locker room where he is accepted and welcomed but ALSO maybe getting fucking whiplash on the reg from cliff's affection. like hey! thank you for including me! but also you just fucking RAGDOLLED me the SECOND i walked in here today and i am a little turned on and ALARMED about it. just a little.

like hits on the ice? yeah. shane understands those. gets 'em and deals 'em all the time. no big. a little bro shoulder tapping/shaking? yeah sure.

but cliff just fucking. 🗣️HOLL-ZY! MY GUUUY! 🗣️ and that is shane's ONLY warning that he's about to get borderline shaken adult syndrome. everyone else in the locker room including ilya knows to brace or dodge by this point, but shane is still adjusting.

and like!! it's nice!! thank you for including me!! but also jesus fuck!!! i have a new empathy for anya's favorite toy when she death shakes it!! oh my god!!!

[penandinkprincess]

there are SO. FUCKING. MANY. pictures of shane and cliff that are just

[penandinkprincess]

this does also make shane develop the working theory that it's very possible cliff truly didn't mean to lay him out on the ice in that one game and was just going for a hug.

the experiences feel. so similar.

[penandinkprincess]

what REALLY makes it worse is that shane is a jock, but he is not this flavor of Bro™, which means he doesn't reciprocate the terrier with a ropetoy in its teeth of it all, which ironically just makes cliff MORE intense with it because he doesn't have responding bro energy to push back against him, so there is nothing modulating The Bro Prey Shake™ of the gesture

so cliff always walks off looking content and pleased at expressing his Bro Affection™ while shane is left just

[penandinkprincess]

oh MAN though

the idea of this being enjoyable novel sensory input (just getting fucking. lightly thrashed back and forth for a bit.), so the initial "oh god what's happening to me" still happens, but then makes brain go brrrrrrr.

which means they're like. five months into this. and someone takes cliff aside and is like, "hey man, is hollander cool with you like. lightly giving him whiplash all the time??" because tbh?? they know cliff means no harm, but shane is getting fucking. MANHANDLED. on the reg.

and cliff is hmmmmm. perhaps i should check in on this. he is operating under bro code which doesn't usually involve check-ins like this, but he would hate if his bro wasn't feeling equally bro. better check with bro.

so he manages to check his immediate impulse to affectionately put shane through a localized earthquake the next time they see each other and goes, "oh, by the way: do you want me to stop shaking you so much?"

and shane who experienced the "oh god what's grabbing me" immediate reaction the way he always does is then (thinking he's hiding The Eyes) is 🥺 what? 🥺 why? 🥺

which is all the greenlight cliff needs to 🗣️ LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 🗣️ as he continues to terrier with a chewtoy shane every single time they see each other

[penandinkprincess]

i love yuna and david being parental towards ilya for ilya's sake (man wants a family more than ANYTHING. he has so much love inside him!! let him be someone's kid!! let him be in a unit!!), but i also really love it for shane's sake.

i hc that david and yuna wanted more kids and just couldn't have them, and i feel like shane is aware of this and feels the pressure of being The Only One. like mom and dad wanted more but only got me, so i have to be The Best One, which i feel like plays into the bit of emotional distance there is between shane and his parents, because i think shane early on would internalize that problems have to be kept to himself because he's The One. if he has problems or isn't doing life correctly, then he's failing!! he will disappoint them!! they only got him!! if he fucks up, he's failing at being The One!!

(thus the apologizing for being gay. because he's The Only One, and they got a gay one, so he's not doing perfect son marrying a girl and giving them a daughter-in-law and grandkids thing he's supposed to do. that's how to Son correctly! and he's not doing it! and they're not going to get another one! it's just him! so him deviating from 'normal' means he's fucking up and not playing the role he's supposed to even though he tried SO hard.)

and i feel like being able to split attention and responsibility with ilya would honestly take weight off of shane's shoulders. (and also offers the ability to become more close with his parents. because hey! he fucked up! (from his pov) he didn't do The Right Thing here and guess what! he's not in trouble! his parents love him! they're not disappointed! it turns out he wasn't making The Wrong Choice! his parents still love him and are happy to get to know the person HE loves!!) like okay now we're BOTH responsible for making them proud and fulfilling The Son role, and now i can breathe a little bit better because i'm not in a spotlight by myself trying to be the most perfect child ever to make up for the fact that they only got me.

[cinematicvests]

yuna and david wanting more kids is canon actually!

source: the long game, chapter 39

[penandinkprincess]

i am so dialed into cosmic wisdom about the gay hockey show that i simply Know

[himbomarleau]

Thinking about a scenario where Marleau goes to all stars instead of Ilya because Ilya is injured and he ends up hanging out with Shane all weekend and they actually hit it off? Shane is nervous because he knows Marly is Ilya's bro and he doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of him. Marleau is sticking with Shane because he's a bit in awe of playing on the same team as The Shane Hollander. Eventually Shane starts letting out his bitchy one liners under his breath and Marleau is eating it up. By the end of the weekend they are a chirping machine. Marleau is teeing Shane up and Shane is landing the most devastating insults.

Marleau comes back to Boston and is like man Roz you would love Hollander if you could get past the rivalry and Ilya is just staring wide eyed at him. Marly is going off about how funny Shane is and talking up his hockey iq. Ilya is just like ha ha. Yes. If only I didn't hate his guts... meanwhile he's furiously texting "Jane" "Marleau is my friend. You can't have him"

[vulpes-aestatis]

Baby sphinx trying to be like mama and waylaying travelers, but all its riddles are completely non-sensical like the ones a 1st grader would tell

[thecactifindahome]

[penandinkprincess]

with the way ilya went fucking DEMON MODE after the news about shane and rose hit the internet and the way ilya was suddenly playing WAY rougher and angrier with shane than he ever had before, i KNOW most of that team thought ilya had a thing for rose.

and depending on how many movies for the franchise rose had filmed in montreal in the past??? not impossible that SHE was the montreal girl cap was always running off to see when they were in town. yes! it all makes sense!! rose landry is montreal girl, and hollander has STOLEN HER!!

which leads to the very funny idea of the boston team trying to be loyal to ilya and parent trap situations on nights out on the town to get ilya and rose to spend time together because SURELY cap can win her back! he's ilya rozanov!! of course he can do it!! manage to get them "accidentally" locked in a room together and NO chance cap doesn't win her back and steal her away from hollander!

this is, incidentally, ilya's Fucking Nightmare.

[penandinkprincess]

TEARS IN MY EYES LAUGHING ABOUT THIS

oh MAN, one other player from boston got picked for all stars and another came along as their plus-one because listen. ilya has been carrying around a BAD FUCKING VIBE and they are. worried. he is in demon mode and very mean rn but he's their cap, so they gotta look out for him. and atp the whole boston team thinks they've solved the puzzle (they. have not. they have actually invented their own picture and cut it into pieces to MAKE a puzzle), so they send to the groupchat (the one without ilya called Potential Evidence For a Cold Case Episode One Day) that oh! landry is HERE, guys! she apparently came with hollander.

and OBVIOUSLY this is the perfect time to find space for cap and landry to get together 1 on 1 again! what if she came JUST to see cap!! (they needed to run this past like. at least one wag. but alas.)

and meanwhile rose came with shane as moral support in him trying to talk to ilya, but now ilya is avoiding them like the fucking PLAGUE.

BUT NOW IT DOES LOOK LIKE ROSE IS ACTIVELY SEEKING ILYA OUT.

BUT NOT FOR THE FUCKING REASON THAT THE BOSTON TEAM THINKS.

so the players are like SCORE. PERFECT. landry even asked one of them where cap was!! she WANTS HIM, guys. WE MIGHT SURVIVE AFTER ALL. ROSE LANDRY, WE WORSHIP AT YOUR FEET. PLEASE SAVE US.

so one of them distracts shane while the other goes to get rose, and rose is like "well, shane is busy, and maybe rozanov just needs to hear that shane wants to speak to him, and i can do that."

but now rose and ilya are locked in a room, rose doesn't want to say shane's part FOR HIM so she's just trying to set the stage by talking about what a wonderful person shane is and how he makes a great boyfriend and is so sweet and sensitive and-

and ilya meanwhile has his focus torn between trying to set her on fire with his mind, set himself on fire with his mind, and make his teammates (who are DEAD when he gets out of here) catch on fire with his mind.

and meanwhile shane is still forty-five minutes deep into a talk about dunkin that he does NOT know how to get out of.

[penandinkprincess]

EXTREMELY funny possibility of roselana happening and being public before shane and ilya are because now the boston team is just "damn...roz can't keep this chick for SHIT"

and this time his BEST FRIEND got her and after he moved up to canada just to be closer to where she films

rip ottawa, y'all are dead for SURE with how demon mode he's definitely going to go now 😔😔😔😔

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

why the FUCK is there a big spider on my bedroom wall it doesn't look like any spider i've ever seen in my entire life what the fuck

[2-point-5]

are you sure it's a spider?

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

yes i am it looks like this

[2-point-5]

oh that's a wolf spider. they taste like celery and pork and they aren't poisonous.

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

why is it in my room

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

and why do you know what it tastes like

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

@sicklythiasus why do you know what a wolf spider tastes like

[2-point-5]

nom nom.

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

what

[2-point-5]

yummy yummy in my tummy tummy

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

when and why did you eat a wolf spider

[2-point-5]

band camp, 2019. there was an infestation. i started eating them to get rid of them. i have since eaten cockroaches, crickets, grasshoppers, and those little green grass spiders.

the greenies taste like vegetarian sausage.

[cause-boys-dont-cry-deactivated]

why was your solution to eat them

[2-point-5]

i mean, no one else was gonna.

[celtic-pyro-deactivated20230725]

[penandinkprincess]

My contribution to Melissa lore is that the Montreal team is genuinely convinced Shane is in love with Melissa, he never picks up girls but is calling her at all hours, they clearly get on and have their own inside jokes and banter. Especially if they don't know his allergies. Of course Shane is dating a specialist sports dietician who works for the Metros, he'd probably marry hockey if he could. They're living in a universe where Shane's illicit forbidden hockey romance is hidden due to the Human resources department. Hayden casually brings up how he knows 'Lily' is a code name and Shane's life briefly flashes before his eyes. 🥭🥭🥭

complicating this is that shane IS a little bit in love with melissa. NOT romantically or anything, but he went in already SO apologetic because he knows firsthand that having to work around his needs is a pain, and her job is just supposed to be optimizing nutrition to make sure he can deliver a good performance, and and and-

and melissa's eyes instead lit up because this is her SHIT. she fucking LOVES THIS. like shane went in expecting annoyance or at least frustration and instead got enthusiastic "let's fucking GOOOOO" energy because melissa fucking LOVES her job, and shane is a fun challenge that pushes her skills in research and creativity and adaptation.

and in my head, melissa is one of the dieticians who goes into the field because they themselves had experience with disordered eating, and so in my heart, melissa was a varsity athlete who knows firsthand how fucked up the culture around food gets in sports, so optimizing nutrition AND promoting healthy, balanced ideas around nutrition are very important for her. so also seeing shane get more comfortable over time contacting her and asking questions and even making requests (!! requests!! yay!! he has preferences beyond requirements!!!) is extremely personally satisfying in how it is fucking EXACTLY what she got into this field for.

also: melissa has been in sports nutrition for 10 years by the time she first meets shane after she transfers in from another team's nutrition department. she has met plenty of shitty men in this job who either don't respect her expertise or even try to fucking mansplain HER OWN GODDAMN FIELD TO HER. like yeah some of them listen and ask questions and respect her degree, but some of them are also assholes because this is Macho Man Sport. shane, though?? fucking LOVES outsourcing decisions. he LOVES that shit. so shane with her?? respectful, always listens, defers to her as an authority on the thing she's spent years of her life studying, and is genuinely appreciative of her. so polite. so genuinely relieved to have her make choices for him.

so like. yeah. shane and melissa?? CONSTANTLY in touch. 100% looks like he might be in love with her even though she is about 15 years older than him (and unknown to anyone else in the workplace, a lesbian). and for her part? melissa is very fond of shane. he is a very rewarding client and she also has a soft spot for the fact that food specifically is very difficult for him. he's literally a fucking perfect case of why she got into this field.

this does lead to the EXTREMELY funny gossip in the montreal rumor mill that shane is "cheating" on melissa with boston lily, thus having a woman in two cities, and tbh? it gets him cred with the guys that he doesn't know he has. they respect the game. and then he starts dating ROSE LANDRY????

shane??? IN FRONT OF MELISSA YOU'RE DOING THIS???

there are at least a few players on montreal's team who think that dating rose landry must be a cover to hide his relationship with melissa because maybe hr started asking questions or something. like shane and melissa's love is clearly as strong as ever, so CLEARLY something else is going on here.

[junkdrawertales]

pre-outing but post-proposal Shane is overheard discussing a WEDDING CAKE TASTING with Melissa. Isn’t he gay??? huh??? If he’s gay why is he picking out wedding cake with Melissa?? Is he cheating on his fiancee? Is he LYING about being gay as a cover to secretly get married to Dr. Melissa, Metros Team Dietician?

[penandinkprincess]

i am actually obsessed with the idea of someone overhearing melissa and shane talking wedding cakes (shane fully was down with bringing her along or calling her during it if she was okay with it, and that is the one time ilya has gone "shane. no.") and what they're actually discussing is if it's reasonable to ask a baker if they can make carrot cake with no walnuts (because ilya really likes carrot cake and shane doesn't have strong opinions about cake), but what people on the outside of the context of this are hearing is, "i mean, yeah, shane *i* like carrot cake for the carrots. i don't think walnuts will make or break it for anyone at the wedding." because shane just needs reassurance that he isn't going to Ruin Carrot Cake if he asks for a modification, but now it FOR SURE sounds like shane and melissa are discussing wedding cakes for themselves. XD

[luulapants]

in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.

[riddlemaster101]

#heated rivalry#cackling about shallergies verse#melissa getting a text that's just 'melissa they put fucking treenuts in my protein bar'#he does not need to specify which one#melissa sighs and puts on her glasses and gets to work#GOD melissa goes on vacation and hears the news that shane had an allergic reaction and is FURIOUS#WHO FUCKED WITH HER RECORD#NOT A SINGLE FUCKING TIME ON HER WATCH HAS SHANE HOLLANDER HAD A REACTION DURING THE SEASON#WHO WANTS TO DIE

via @penandinkprincess

[penandinkprincess]

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

(melissa does NOT know about mango time) (shane is kind of afraid of what she would do to him if she found out) (he cannot have melissa being mad at him it would actually send him into a nervous breakdown)

[penandinkprincess]

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

SQUARE THE FUCK UP, HOLLANDER

[penandinkprincess]

my tags and then @meghan-maria's tags because i have received wisdom from the great beyond that shane was SO apologetic and so ready to just take whatever melissa picked for him that she actively has him report back on the meals with what he thinks about them and if he liked them or not and what he would want to change because she wants to encourage healthy ideas about food and being able to enjoy them and not having to apologize for "melissa, please don't make me eat quinoa the texture is Bad melissa i am so tired of quinoa", WHICH MEANS.

shane has a snapchat that is ONLY to send melissa his meals and thoughts. she is the only person he has on there. he sends them to her daily with his thoughts after he eats his mealpreps and snacks.

but this ALSO means that when he gets drunk, brain is still going "gotta tell melissa". and i am CACKLING at the idea of shane out with the team after the first cup win sending a fucking. BARELY in frame, very blurry because he can't hold the phone still, can barely hear him over the noise of the bar video on snapchat that's just, "mmmm so. oh, hi melissa! it's shane. ummmm so there's fries, which are potatoes, so one of the highest satiety factors but fried so ummm i don't know. also there's mushrooms" *the fastest and blurriest camera pan of all time that maybe showed fried mushrooms and maybe didn't because there is truly no way to tell* "but umm. gross. i had a sandwich. it was-hayden what was the sandwich?" *equally drunk hayden making this video even more motion sickness to watch as he grabs shane and shakes him a little bit* "it was FUCKING DELICIOUS, BUDDY. that's what it was!" "no, hayd! this is for melissa. i have to tell her." (he does not. shane, baby, the season is over and this is you eating bar food). "oh, it was chicken and something." "melissa, it was chicken and something. and it had avocado so bad, but i got cheese. fat with protein. okay bye. oh also salad. because fiber, and, um, micronutrients. okay bye."

melissa saves it and it is her favorite thing to watch on hard days when she needs to laugh.

and my god my HEART imagining shane his last year with the metros when people are turning against him and also food now feels more dangerous because he doesn't know if people are going to fuck with him or not and he just starts. inventing reasons to hang out in melissa's office when it's time to eat. because melissa makes food feel Safe, and rn a lot of things in his life feel so Not Safe. and listen...is it the healthiest coping mechanism? no. but melissa has also known shane long enough to understand that Something is amiss, so if he wants to hang out in her office to eat, she just gets a live update about what he liked and didn't like about the prep for today's lunch.

[penandinkprincess]

god my fucking HEART hurts thinking about shane slowly getting stricter and stricter with his food over the course of the last season with the metros because SO much of his life feels out of control and food is the one thing he has control over, and the idea of melissa who has worked with him for years and so gently helped him nip disordered eating tendencies in the bud now watching him getting worse and worse. and now we're slowly not talking about food as enjoyable anymore. and preference snapchats are starting to creep back into i need X calories and X protein and no other preferences come up territory.

and melissa has been SO proud of shane's development over time. because he did come in with some behaviors that were a little concerning, and through dedication and being That Fucking Good at her job, they've really managed together to find a good balance for shane between feeling like he is adaquately fueling himself for peak performance but also ENJOYING food. this supports his nutritional requirements AND it's tasty. he can have both things! it's okay to like your food! it doesn't have to be penance!

and i am imagining melissa's heart hurting so much watching shane sloooowly falling victim to not expressing preferences because everything feels bad right now and restriction over food and being able to muscle through makes him feel like he has control over something. and he's hitting macros and calories and on paper is eating Fine. but he's not enjoying it. his snapchats and texts are now questions about protein and bioavailability and supplements and not, "was this the same sauce as the one last month?? it tasted really good." or "the texture of the chicken was weird when it was cooked like that. can we change it? i liked when it was cut really thin in last week's grain bowl."

and like. what can she do? she can offer choices and lean on the information she's gathered from years of working with him, but she doesn't have control over the team or management. she can make her office a safe space for him to be in, but the second he's out that door, she can't do anything. and he's her client, yes, but she's gotten very fond of him over their years together and getting to watch his life get better because of working with her, and now he's hurting and restricting himself and there's nothing she can do about it because this team has become bad for him.

and now i am thinking about what a difference it would make if melissa took him aside towards the end of the season to have a very genuine conversation of, "i know this isn't my place on this team and i'd probably get fired for saying it, but you aren't happy here, shane, and if you need to go somewhere else where you can be happy and healthy, i think you should consider making that choice."

and what a difference it would make to have "permission" from someone he's considered an authority for years in the workplace going, "you can choose something that's better for you."

[penandinkprincess]

extremely funny canon divergence opportunity in which shane thinks he's being subtle about snapchatting the tuna melts to melissa because she likes hearing that he's eating well on the road because eating not at home with mealpreps can be tricky and difficult, and then ilya is?? you are?? taking pictures??? of food?? what, you do instagram now???

and shane has to admit to this VERY deep and personal relationship with melissa (SIGNIFICANTLY: DOESN'T SAY HER JOB. JUST SAYS "oh, melissa likes to make sure i'm eating okay on the road" BECAUSE DOESN'T THINK TO CLARIFY WHO MELISSA IS. SHE'S MELISSA.) and ilya is lowkey highkey very jealous about it (ilya ffs), so we get a microdose of the rose jealousy that in this soft little bubble makes ilya want to dibs shane because HE isn't getting snapchats of what shane is eating all day. someone else?? has something with shane that he doesn't??? unac-fucking-ceptable.

so ilya kicks this bf rp up to fucking ELEVEN, and shane gets put at ease because melissa's response is, "oooh, tasty! looks like those are the good pickles, too!" so now melissa has cosigned at least one element of today, so it feels a little more comfortable. and like. he knows that contacting his dietician so often is probably Not Normal, but ilya?? doesn't make fun of him for it?? not genuinely at least?? (again: ILYA DOES NOT KNOW SHE IS A DIETICIAN. HE THINKS MELISSA IS A GIRL SHANE IS TALKING TO ENOUGH THAT SHE GETS SNAPCHATS ABOUT WHAT HE'S EATING EVEN *AT ILYA'S HOUSE*.) at dinner, he even pushes shane's plate towards him at a better angle with, "melissa will want to know this also?"

and what ILYA thinks he's doing is staking a claim against melissa. yeah, sure, you get pictures of what shane is eating. but ilya is MAKING what shane is eating. en garde, harlot. 🖕

and also!! because of when this happened!! ilya doesn't ask the you like girls question because the answer would appear to be YES. what he asks instead is, "you message melissa often?" because again! HE thinks this is someone shane is potentially seeing!

and shane (WHO THINKS HE'S JUST ANSWERING ABOUT HIS DIETICIAN) answers, "yeah, pretty often. she says she likes it, though. she gets worried when i DON'T message her a few times a day haha. she's really nice."

and ilya is fucking SEETHING with jealousy. in his home!!! texting a woman!!! outrageous!!!

but also the nudge he needs to try and push for a little bit more with shane because oh!! this feels bad!!! the potential of someone taking him feels bad!!! and it's a little scary but today has been SO fucking nice. so ilya just wants a LITTLE claim! a little assurance that shane won't up and ghost him one day for fucking MELISSA.

so that night (because again! no talk that ended in the first names meltdown!), they're in bed and it's dark and ilya SO casually guys. SO casual. he's SO casual y'all. is just, "this is nice, yes?" and for shane?? yeah, actually. he did have to bring up his allergies because melissa noticed he's in someone's house and was curious so he said he was at a friend's, and melissa saw something in the background and was like, "did you let them know that almond butter better stay WELL away from anything for you?" which prompted shane into "hmmmmmm better mention this big thing for the first time in years", and then ilya?? was so nice about it?? scolded him for not saying something but in a way that was obviously not actually mad at him but then put allergens away?? and also is so cool about shane's maybe-dependent relationship with his dietician??

and it's a reminder that ilya is a place where it's safe for him to be a little off and not perfect and it's actually really nice to be with him like this. he hadn't know if it would be until it happened, but today?? was pretty great??

so when ilya asks if shane would like to do this more often, his answer is yes.

(and if ilya puts a little extra effort into breakfast the next day because get FUCKED melissa, ilya is on the roster officially, too, then shane does not need to know that when he sends his snapchat)

[penandinkprincess]

i see this and raise you: melissa ends up accidentally being the first person in the world to know about hollanov because ilya after he decides on Time To Get Fucking Serious starts researching allergies because melissa (the ENEMY) might get pictures of shane's food, but ilya will MAKE food. he is WINNING this fight.

and in the course of researching allergies, he gets in his own head about allergen contamination and the fact that allergens can cause reactions in semen if someone is sensitive enough, so he goes to HIS team's nutrition department to ask questions and adjust his meals to be allergy-friendly with the excuse of an allergic girl he's seeing a lot, and the dietician on the team is ?? wow?? that's a lot of restrictions. hmmmm. and then has a lightbulb moment of "oh! doesn't melissa over on montreal's team do a lot of work with allergies?? she gave a presentation at a conference a couple of years ago. let me send her an email."

and listen! melissa fucking LOVES allergies and adjustments. there's a limit to how much she'll do for a rival team, but yeah, she can at least point you in the right direction for the sake of not accidentally killing whatever poor woman thinks she's going to lock down infamous womanizer ilya rozanov. go ahead and send over her-

...huh. this list looks. Pretty Fucking Familiar.

so now ilya is still in this one-sided rivalry for shane's love while melissa is just fucking delighted at knowing this secret (and she DOESN'T say anything, even to shane. that's his move to come out if and when he wants.). so ilya is mentally killing Mystery Melissa with his mind and meanwhile actual melissa just finds it very sweet that ilya is fully adjusting his meals to be safe for shane when they're together even though she knows from their schedules they don't meet THAT often. like ilya is filled with hatred at there being a mistress in this SUPER casual thing he has with hollander that's SO casual, and meanwhile melissa is just, "ah, i'm rooting for you crazy kids <3"

[penandinkprincess]

IMPORTANTLY: ilya does NOT find out who melissa is until the pasta scene at the cottage with shane's parents.

he spends THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME! MONTHS! LITERAL FUCKING MONTHS! thinking that melissa is a potential rival. he gets to the cottage and shane suddenly isn't texting melissa constantly and ilya is just, "mhm. that's right. i win. melissa doesn't get snapchats anymore. i am here and shane wants Me. i WIN. get FUCKED, Mystery Melissa."

until they're at shane's parents' house (and shane's parents know about melissa! they LOVE melissa! melissa has helped their child so much. they LOVE her.) and david off-handedly makes a teasing comment about, "no side vegetable, don't tell melissa ;)" and ilya is lowkey FURIOUS. even HERE he cannot escape melissa???? shane's PARENTS KNOW MELISSA??? THEY *LIKE* MELISSA??? THEY-

"don't worry. melissa gets summers off from me haha."

and ilya is just ...🤨🤨🤨 that sounds?? strange?? 🤨 "you do not send melissa snapchats in summer?"

and shane looks at him like HE'S the one acting strangely, and is just "no? do YOU stay in touch with your team's dieticians in the off season?"

and ilya is just Do I Do What Now

[luulapants]

in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.

[riddlemaster101]

#heated rivalry#cackling about shallergies verse#melissa getting a text that's just 'melissa they put fucking treenuts in my protein bar'#he does not need to specify which one#melissa sighs and puts on her glasses and gets to work#GOD melissa goes on vacation and hears the news that shane had an allergic reaction and is FURIOUS#WHO FUCKED WITH HER RECORD#NOT A SINGLE FUCKING TIME ON HER WATCH HAS SHANE HOLLANDER HAD A REACTION DURING THE SEASON#WHO WANTS TO DIE

via @penandinkprincess

[penandinkprincess]

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

(melissa does NOT know about mango time) (shane is kind of afraid of what she would do to him if she found out) (he cannot have melissa being mad at him it would actually send him into a nervous breakdown)

[penandinkprincess]

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

SQUARE THE FUCK UP, HOLLANDER

[penandinkprincess]

my tags and then @meghan-maria's tags because i have received wisdom from the great beyond that shane was SO apologetic and so ready to just take whatever melissa picked for him that she actively has him report back on the meals with what he thinks about them and if he liked them or not and what he would want to change because she wants to encourage healthy ideas about food and being able to enjoy them and not having to apologize for "melissa, please don't make me eat quinoa the texture is Bad melissa i am so tired of quinoa", WHICH MEANS.

shane has a snapchat that is ONLY to send melissa his meals and thoughts. she is the only person he has on there. he sends them to her daily with his thoughts after he eats his mealpreps and snacks.

but this ALSO means that when he gets drunk, brain is still going "gotta tell melissa". and i am CACKLING at the idea of shane out with the team after the first cup win sending a fucking. BARELY in frame, very blurry because he can't hold the phone still, can barely hear him over the noise of the bar video on snapchat that's just, "mmmm so. oh, hi melissa! it's shane. ummmm so there's fries, which are potatoes, so one of the highest satiety factors but fried so ummm i don't know. also there's mushrooms" *the fastest and blurriest camera pan of all time that maybe showed fried mushrooms and maybe didn't because there is truly no way to tell* "but umm. gross. i had a sandwich. it was-hayden what was the sandwich?" *equally drunk hayden making this video even more motion sickness to watch as he grabs shane and shakes him a little bit* "it was FUCKING DELICIOUS, BUDDY. that's what it was!" "no, hayd! this is for melissa. i have to tell her." (he does not. shane, baby, the season is over and this is you eating bar food). "oh, it was chicken and something." "melissa, it was chicken and something. and it had avocado so bad, but i got cheese. fat with protein. okay bye. oh also salad. because fiber, and, um, micronutrients. okay bye."

melissa saves it and it is her favorite thing to watch on hard days when she needs to laugh.

and my god my HEART imagining shane his last year with the metros when people are turning against him and also food now feels more dangerous because he doesn't know if people are going to fuck with him or not and he just starts. inventing reasons to hang out in melissa's office when it's time to eat. because melissa makes food feel Safe, and rn a lot of things in his life feel so Not Safe. and listen...is it the healthiest coping mechanism? no. but melissa has also known shane long enough to understand that Something is amiss, so if he wants to hang out in her office to eat, she just gets a live update about what he liked and didn't like about the prep for today's lunch.

[penandinkprincess]

god my fucking HEART hurts thinking about shane slowly getting stricter and stricter with his food over the course of the last season with the metros because SO much of his life feels out of control and food is the one thing he has control over, and the idea of melissa who has worked with him for years and so gently helped him nip disordered eating tendencies in the bud now watching him getting worse and worse. and now we're slowly not talking about food as enjoyable anymore. and preference snapchats are starting to creep back into i need X calories and X protein and no other preferences come up territory.

and melissa has been SO proud of shane's development over time. because he did come in with some behaviors that were a little concerning, and through dedication and being That Fucking Good at her job, they've really managed together to find a good balance for shane between feeling like he is adaquately fueling himself for peak performance but also ENJOYING food. this supports his nutritional requirements AND it's tasty. he can have both things! it's okay to like your food! it doesn't have to be penance!

and i am imagining melissa's heart hurting so much watching shane sloooowly falling victim to not expressing preferences because everything feels bad right now and restriction over food and being able to muscle through makes him feel like he has control over something. and he's hitting macros and calories and on paper is eating Fine. but he's not enjoying it. his snapchats and texts are now questions about protein and bioavailability and supplements and not, "was this the same sauce as the one last month?? it tasted really good." or "the texture of the chicken was weird when it was cooked like that. can we change it? i liked when it was cut really thin in last week's grain bowl."

and like. what can she do? she can offer choices and lean on the information she's gathered from years of working with him, but she doesn't have control over the team or management. she can make her office a safe space for him to be in, but the second he's out that door, she can't do anything. and he's her client, yes, but she's gotten very fond of him over their years together and getting to watch his life get better because of working with her, and now he's hurting and restricting himself and there's nothing she can do about it because this team has become bad for him.

and now i am thinking about what a difference it would make if melissa took him aside towards the end of the season to have a very genuine conversation of, "i know this isn't my place on this team and i'd probably get fired for saying it, but you aren't happy here, shane, and if you need to go somewhere else where you can be happy and healthy, i think you should consider making that choice."

and what a difference it would make to have "permission" from someone he's considered an authority for years in the workplace going, "you can choose something that's better for you."

[penandinkprincess]

extremely funny canon divergence opportunity in which shane thinks he's being subtle about snapchatting the tuna melts to melissa because she likes hearing that he's eating well on the road because eating not at home with mealpreps can be tricky and difficult, and then ilya is?? you are?? taking pictures??? of food?? what, you do instagram now???

and shane has to admit to this VERY deep and personal relationship with melissa (SIGNIFICANTLY: DOESN'T SAY HER JOB. JUST SAYS "oh, melissa likes to make sure i'm eating okay on the road" BECAUSE DOESN'T THINK TO CLARIFY WHO MELISSA IS. SHE'S MELISSA.) and ilya is lowkey highkey very jealous about it (ilya ffs), so we get a microdose of the rose jealousy that in this soft little bubble makes ilya want to dibs shane because HE isn't getting snapchats of what shane is eating all day. someone else?? has something with shane that he doesn't??? unac-fucking-ceptable.

so ilya kicks this bf rp up to fucking ELEVEN, and shane gets put at ease because melissa's response is, "oooh, tasty! looks like those are the good pickles, too!" so now melissa has cosigned at least one element of today, so it feels a little more comfortable. and like. he knows that contacting his dietician so often is probably Not Normal, but ilya?? doesn't make fun of him for it?? not genuinely at least?? (again: ILYA DOES NOT KNOW SHE IS A DIETICIAN. HE THINKS MELISSA IS A GIRL SHANE IS TALKING TO ENOUGH THAT SHE GETS SNAPCHATS ABOUT WHAT HE'S EATING EVEN *AT ILYA'S HOUSE*.) at dinner, he even pushes shane's plate towards him at a better angle with, "melissa will want to know this also?"

and what ILYA thinks he's doing is staking a claim against melissa. yeah, sure, you get pictures of what shane is eating. but ilya is MAKING what shane is eating. en garde, harlot. 🖕

and also!! because of when this happened!! ilya doesn't ask the you like girls question because the answer would appear to be YES. what he asks instead is, "you message melissa often?" because again! HE thinks this is someone shane is potentially seeing!

and shane (WHO THINKS HE'S JUST ANSWERING ABOUT HIS DIETICIAN) answers, "yeah, pretty often. she says she likes it, though. she gets worried when i DON'T message her a few times a day haha. she's really nice."

and ilya is fucking SEETHING with jealousy. in his home!!! texting a woman!!! outrageous!!!

but also the nudge he needs to try and push for a little bit more with shane because oh!! this feels bad!!! the potential of someone taking him feels bad!!! and it's a little scary but today has been SO fucking nice. so ilya just wants a LITTLE claim! a little assurance that shane won't up and ghost him one day for fucking MELISSA.

so that night (because again! no talk that ended in the first names meltdown!), they're in bed and it's dark and ilya SO casually guys. SO casual. he's SO casual y'all. is just, "this is nice, yes?" and for shane?? yeah, actually. he did have to bring up his allergies because melissa noticed he's in someone's house and was curious so he said he was at a friend's, and melissa saw something in the background and was like, "did you let them know that almond butter better stay WELL away from anything for you?" which prompted shane into "hmmmmmm better mention this big thing for the first time in years", and then ilya?? was so nice about it?? scolded him for not saying something but in a way that was obviously not actually mad at him but then put allergens away?? and also is so cool about shane's maybe-dependent relationship with his dietician??

and it's a reminder that ilya is a place where it's safe for him to be a little off and not perfect and it's actually really nice to be with him like this. he hadn't know if it would be until it happened, but today?? was pretty great??

so when ilya asks if shane would like to do this more often, his answer is yes.

(and if ilya puts a little extra effort into breakfast the next day because get FUCKED melissa, ilya is on the roster officially, too, then shane does not need to know that when he sends his snapchat)

[penandinkprincess]

i see this and raise you: melissa ends up accidentally being the first person in the world to know about hollanov because ilya after he decides on Time To Get Fucking Serious starts researching allergies because melissa (the ENEMY) might get pictures of shane's food, but ilya will MAKE food. he is WINNING this fight.

and in the course of researching allergies, he gets in his own head about allergen contamination and the fact that allergens can cause reactions in semen if someone is sensitive enough, so he goes to HIS team's nutrition department to ask questions and adjust his meals to be allergy-friendly with the excuse of an allergic girl he's seeing a lot, and the dietician on the team is ?? wow?? that's a lot of restrictions. hmmmm. and then has a lightbulb moment of "oh! doesn't melissa over on montreal's team do a lot of work with allergies?? she gave a presentation at a conference a couple of years ago. let me send her an email."

and listen! melissa fucking LOVES allergies and adjustments. there's a limit to how much she'll do for a rival team, but yeah, she can at least point you in the right direction for the sake of not accidentally killing whatever poor woman thinks she's going to lock down infamous womanizer ilya rozanov. go ahead and send over her-

...huh. this list looks. Pretty Fucking Familiar.

so now ilya is still in this one-sided rivalry for shane's love while melissa is just fucking delighted at knowing this secret (and she DOESN'T say anything, even to shane. that's his move to come out if and when he wants.). so ilya is mentally killing Mystery Melissa with his mind and meanwhile actual melissa just finds it very sweet that ilya is fully adjusting his meals to be safe for shane when they're together even though she knows from their schedules they don't meet THAT often. like ilya is filled with hatred at there being a mistress in this SUPER casual thing he has with hollander that's SO casual, and meanwhile melissa is just, "ah, i'm rooting for you crazy kids <3"

[junkdrawertales]

when Ilya shows up to Shane’s hospital room after he gets hit there’s a bag of safe snacks in there labeled “Feel better! xoxo Melissa” and he has Feelings about it. If he ever finds this woman he’s going to key her car. It’s probably a stupid car too. Like an SUV. Hollander probably likes that. He would totally send boring food pictures to a girl who drives a boring SUV. Figures. …

Should Ilya buy an SUV?

[penandinkprincess]

GOD ilya manages to track down A Melissa through the grapevine because whispers on the team are that shane is in love with a melissa who's on staff, so he narrows it down to the three melissas and because of his impeccable gaydar dismisses registered dietician melissa because Oh For Sure Not Into Men, which leaves communications office melissa and legal department melissa. through stalking instagram for an amount of time he will NEVER admit to, he decides that communications office melissa is faithful to her boyfriend who pops up on her story regularly, but legal department melissa appears SUSPICIOUSLY single. also! has multiple pictures on her instagram of meals at restaurants!! the harlot!! he found her!! she's got a thing for food! it all makes sense! (ilya, for the love of god).

thus begins a fierce, burning hatred for COMPLETELY the wrong fucking melissa.

[luulapants]

hi hello: would it be okay for me to borrow melissa for a fic? i will obvi credit you for inventing her!

Absolutely! Please tag me when you post!

[penandinkprincess]

and in this moment, a one-sided rivalry is born

[penandinkprincess]

oh he's BIG MAD, y'all

[holdoncallfailed]

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to deny location sharing and turn off personalized ads and reject all non-essential cookies and not set up siri and face ID

[penandinkprincess]

aww I had forgotten about Anita the long-suffering dominatrix lol

now im thinking about ilya going to see her, either because shane is like 'im not explaining this right, you should talk to anita directly' about something or maybe in a weird jealous snit where he's like I bet she's not that great.

and Anita is used to Shane's nonesense at this point but then Ilya rocks up with his own brand of bullshit and Anita can't tell if she's just forgotten how bad Shane was initially or if this idiot is actually Worse somehow.

Anita: okay, so you're checking in that your partners' are engaged and consenting, that's good. And how do they check in with you?

Ilya:... *chuckle* no no you misunderstand, is language thing probably. I top.

Anita: *screaming internally*

ilya coming in with what do you mean i also have the right to tap out in scenes or express when i'm not comfortable with something? 🤨🤨 what do you mean it's not just a matter of i make my partner feel good and give them whatever they want because it makes me feel more secure when i have a tangible purpose and thing to offer them? 🤨🤨 what do you mean i also have the right to have needs and limits and require aftercare? 🤨🤨🤨 no, this can't be correct.

and anita is now like "oh, so THIS is why shane just operated for so long under 'i don't have to express anything and just do what i'm told and don't have to talk.' YOU ARE THE MISSING PART OF THE EQUATION, YOU EQUALLY BAD AT COMMUNICATION MAN."

anita asks him what his safeword system is and gets "usually in the past, my partner will use colors or-" and anita is just, "no, what is YOUR system. do you use colors for a range of comfort with what's going on? do you just hard stop?" and ilya is just 🤨🤨 "why would i need this?" 🤨🤨 and anita is just

[penandinkprincess]

Melissa the dietician is truly so dear to me. Also the concept of Shane and her growing closer bc like. He's so respectful and poses a fun challenge! And she's really good at her job and doesn't make him feel weird about it! And Melissa being an older lesbian, like sometimes just having a gay Adult™️ just in your immediate circle can be so heartening, even if it's just smth like Melissa doesn't necessarily talk about it at work but she's texting Shane about smth and is like oh ye my wife tried that once and Shane just. I mean ik it isn't a hockey player but it is a gay person who is happy and is on the periphery of hockey and this is getting long but I have thouGHTS

i love the idea of melissa finding her future wife after she moves to ottawa because very funny both to imagine shane being like. VERY lowkey a lil jelly he's sharing more of melissa's attention now because anjali is in the picture so sometimes he now goes to melissa's office and now has someone else in there 😒😒😒. but also in my heart shane has NO gaydar. at ALL. i feel like ilya clocked melissa as queer immediately, but shane WHO HAS KNOWN HER FOR YEARS AND CONTRIBUTED TO HER MOVING TO THIS TEAM hears her mention in passing "oh man, the girl i dated in college-" and is just

[mutinsfromthemoon]

i don’t think shane would EVER reprimand ilya in front of their friends. there’s no “walking him like a dog” in the ottawa centaurs group. it’s the opposite, ilya is a spoiled little shit. shane only says no to him in the private and it’s rare. he’s an ilya’s enabler. he letting his husband do whatever and it’s not like is the worst cus not only ilya is an adult he’s very thoughtful, intelligent, respectful and professional. he knows there’s limits, he probably put it himself. so yeah fics with that tag is very funny is for hahas and hihis but i don’t think it would ever be canon

[perotovar]

ilya rozanov appreciation week: day two favorite look: black on black

Heated Rivalry (2025-) dir. Jacob Tierney

[the-haiku-bot]

Heated Rivalry

(2025-)

dir. Jacob Tierney

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[niceonehilaryfaye]

Gary Graham SS18