Suicide Notes I'll Never Write 10/29/25
Why does my head have to ruin everything? Sure, I woke up tired today, but it was worth it because you kept me up, telling me how much you love me and how you want to protect me over and over again. I have never felt so loved and needed by somebody. I woke up tired but happy, eager to go to work and see my friends and put good into the world, working with the kiddos. I went to work singing to the radio. My mom had been calling me for the past 3 days, and I don’t mean a call every now and then; I mean 10 calls back to back because I wasn’t answering. I don’t like to answer, I don’t know why, but instead of being happy seeing my mom’s caller ID pop up, I get anxious, my stomach turns, and I think “oh God, what now?” I don’t want to feel that way about my mom, and more often than not, I think I have the best mom in the world. I love my mom. I really do and would do anything for her. She is a good mom; she tries her best, which is all any child can ask for from a parent. It’s just sometimes… a lot of the time… she can be controlling, and it can push people to a breaking point. She did it with me, my dad, her fiancé, and my brother. She had a pretty messed-up childhood and upbringing, so I try to let it go. I try to look at her actions like she just wants what is best for me because she loves me, which she does, a lot. I tried to call her out on it and place the boundary of not spamming me, especially when she knows I’m at work. She started calling me ungrateful, a user, and crazy. Saying she’s going to block me and that my family all thinks I’m crazy. This is not my mother's fault. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. This is the background to my note.
I’m sorry. I know you’re beside yourself right now, wondering why and maybe even blaming yourself. Please don’t. You were an amazing mom who loved me and gave me everything I could need to be happy, healthy, and successful in life. I love you so so much. I never meant to seem selfish or ungrateful. I never meant to be a user. I wanted to make you proud. I always tried my best to. I wish you had used more positive words with me. Please do that for my little brother. He needs his parents. I hope you and Dad can use this as a growing experience to be better parents for him. I didn’t do this because of anything you did or didn’t do, Mama. I was just so tired of my head always telling me that life isn’t worth it, and well, my head finally won. I tried to get help; I went to a therapist and a psychiatrist. I tried the meds, and they help for a bit until I just feel numb or like I’m wearing a mask. I’m not me anymore after a while. Please know that I love you, Mama, and I’m so sorry. I know you would have dropped everything for me if I told you, but how do I tell the woman who gave birth to me, who would walk through Hell for me, that I just don’t want to live anymore? I’m sorry, Mama. I love you so much, I wish I had been a better daughter to you. Thank you for everything you have done for me.
I love you, I really do. I didn’t do this because of anything you did or didn’t do. You made me laugh like I haven’t laughed in years, you made me feel alive again and confident in my own skin, which I never really thought was possible for me. I’m sorry I hurt you like this, not letting you in again. I know all you wanted was to be there for me, and you were. That’s why I survived this long. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t take it anymore. The thoughts of being gone. Life was just too hard, my mom will say that she gave me a house and a car and everything else so I could focus on my college career, and it’s true. And maybe I was a little selfish and took that for granted, but it was still hard. I felt small there, like my life wasn’t my own. You encouraged me to take it back, just like my relatives kept telling me. Thank you for encouraging me to do that. I am not enough, though, and a lot of people would be better off if they never met me. Sometimes, I think you’re one of them. At least this way, I wouldn’t have hurt you like this. Thank you for loving me as hard as you did. You were my peace. I’m sorry, honey. I love you and will look for you in the next life.
I wish you were here. I wish you weren’t so far away. I miss being little and going on daddy-daughter dates with you. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out more. I think it was hard for me because I kept hearing bad things about you from my mom, and it made you feel like a stranger to me. It made me forget that it was you who always stood up for me when Mom would lose it on me for one thing or another. I know I was far from a perfect daughter, and you never expected me to be; you just wanted me to be safe and make good decisions. It took a couple of bad decisions, but I learned eventually, well, maybe kind of. I’m sorry I didn’t call you to tell you I was struggling. I know you would have flown out to me if I asked you or flown me out to you. I didn’t want to go back to the mental hospital after the last time; I knew I would either have a successful attempt or I just wouldn’t even try. I guess this time I succeeded. I didn’t do this because of anything you did or didn’t do; it’s my head. Every day, it tells me I’m not enough and that it wouldn’t matter if I died because the world would just keep moving. I know you and Mom are devastated, but I hope you can both use this as a reason to better co-parent my brother. He needs it. I love you daddy.
