Caw Caw! @theangrybird599 - Tumblr Blog

Luke Skywalker put away his targeting computer to destroy the Death Star so I don't need AI to help me write an email.

i’m watching an art theft documentary and they’re interviewing this art history professor from new york who was asked to go with the fbi to authenticate a rubens that had been stolen but it was a sting operation so they had to pretend like they weren’t the fbi, that they were some private buyer about to pay $3.5 million for it, and the fbi was like “this is a VERY delicate operation because you never know how they will react to what you have to say so let the agent do all of the talking, don’t say a word to anyone just nod if it’s the rubens, the last operation we did the guy in your position got shot because things went wrong in a second” and then it cuts to the professor’s interview and he says “i wasn’t going to fly down to miami to be a part of an undercover fbi sting operation to handle what could be rubens’s aurora and just NOT say anything. i was gonna have to ad lib a little” and then he tells the interviewer that when he & the fbi agent got to the hotel while he was examining the painting he started lecturing the other people, first on how badly they had wrapped it, and then about like how it had been painted, the history of it, what the subject was and what she was doing, etc etc, and he was like “i hadn’t taught a class on rubens in 15 years, so for me it was like being back in the classroom except my students couldn’t leave”

darlingsterns

at one point during the deal the professor turned to the woman selling it and he said “isn’t this just the most beautiful rubens you’ve ever seen outside of a museum?” (because the fbi had told him earlier that this piece had been stolen from a museum) and THEN he said “where on earth did you get it from?” and the group of people the woman had with her was like taxidermy-fox.png but the woman was like “inheritance” can you IMAGINE the fbi agent about to have a fucking aneurysm when this random guy you’ve brought in just to nod if it’s the right painting not only starts giving an impromptu lecture but then he asks how they got it

darlingsterns

i’m watching an art theft documentary and they’re interviewing this art history professor from new york who was asked to go with the fbi to authenticate a rubens that had been stolen but it was a sting operation so they had to pretend like they weren’t the fbi, that they were some private buyer about to pay $3.5 million for it, and the fbi was like “this is a VERY delicate operation because you never know how they will react to what you have to say so let the agent do all of the talking, don’t say a word to anyone just nod if it’s the rubens, the last operation we did the guy in your position got shot because things went wrong in a second” and then it cuts to the professor’s interview and he says “i wasn’t going to fly down to miami to be a part of an undercover fbi sting operation to handle what could be rubens’s aurora and just NOT say anything. i was gonna have to ad lib a little” and then he tells the interviewer that when he & the fbi agent got to the hotel while he was examining the painting he started lecturing the other people, first on how badly they had wrapped it, and then about like how it had been painted, the history of it, what the subject was and what she was doing, etc etc, and he was like “i hadn’t taught a class on rubens in 15 years, so for me it was like being back in the classroom except my students couldn’t leave”

darlingsterns

at one point during the deal the professor turned to the woman selling it and he said “isn’t this just the most beautiful rubens you’ve ever seen outside of a museum?” (because the fbi had told him earlier that this piece had been stolen from a museum) and THEN he said “where on earth did you get it from?” and the group of people the woman had with her was like taxidermy-fox.png but the woman was like “inheritance” can you IMAGINE the fbi agent about to have a fucking aneurysm when this random guy you’ve brought in just to nod if it’s the right painting not only starts giving an impromptu lecture but then he asks how they got it

thethirdromana

Putting the term "Catholic guilt" on a high shelf where fandom can't reach it until everyone learns how to identify characters who are very very clearly coded as Protestant.

queer-crows-nightmare

blue0909

Please stop being nonbinary too. God only created one gender. You must conform to that.

THERES ONLY ONE NOW?????

miketon

hilarioushumorfromouterspace

millionsknives

WENDY I WILL THROTTLE YOU

treecitysessions

i-give-you-a-fish

You get a Red-Bellied Piranha

Pygocentrus nattereri

xeniaxms

demilypyro

vampires are so full of shit. "oh the human race is beneath us, you're just livestock to us" I don't think you know what livestock is. do you feed us? care for us? protect us from predators? no. you just slink around dark alleys and ambush people. that's not what a higher being does. that's a bottom feeder. a parasite. karate punches your head off

septembersung

janusfnc14

She Would Say That. She would DO that.

ventusvibrio

The masquerade is in shambles

dykemurdoc

Austin Powers sequel where he has to travel to the future (current day). He’s so excited to see what the 2020s have to offer— we must have learned so much since the 90s! We must all me so much nicer to each other, have a balance of freedom and responsibility, no more war, no more disease! :D

His assigned partner is a trans woman named Esther Gentablets. He doesn’t understand but once the concept of transness is explained to him he says “you’re telling me they’re making more birds every day 🤩 YEAH babey!!!.” Dr. Evil calls him Austin Pronouns and that he’s “too woke” and Austin says that what he thought he knew about being a man was a social construct, that the roles designed for men and women are too narrow, that really, we’re all groovy

Dr. Evil’s plan is designing an evil worm to be transplanted into the brain of the US Secretary of Health. They tell him this already happened and he suggests they replace the internet with a lying machine. Already happened. “Well throw me a freakin bone here, what’s the most evil thing we can think of? What do I pay you people for? I know! We remove endangered species protections for baby wolves 🤙🤨” and his crew is 😬

The opening is Austin dancing through a pride parade. He disappears into a crowd for a moment and emerges in a leather harness and cat ears and keeps dancing

He has to stay hidden in one scene by entering a drag king Austin Powers lookalike contest. He loses

People are calling The Fat Bastard the Body Positive Bastard because they don’t want to be politically incorrect, but he’s mad because Fat Bastard is his legal name

animentality

dickstolebyanalien

Walk Like No One Is Driving

magiiccats

byjove

things not to say when someone tells you they’re having a baby, from a transgender autistic guy named Algernon who has experienced a lot of trial and error:

Why? I know this is the question you want to ask. You are not allowed to ask it. I’m not sure why it’s frowned upon but you can’t.

You should name it after me. Not funny. No one laughs. A selfish statement that takes the attention off the pregnant party and shifts it to you. This joke is a flop, save it for the next pet they get.

Is it mine? It’s not mine. I have no testicles. If there is a possibility it is yours, they’ll tell you. Probably. No one wants an interrogation in this moment.