Ash

he/him - autistic, transgender, aroace - Here, it's about autism and maybe queerness X)

[theautisticaptain]

I would like to talk about something. This is gonna be oversharing lol, so don't read if you don't want to.

I don't know if I'm the only one experiencing this, it's kinda weird. It's probably the mix between my maladaptive daydreaming and my autism with a special interest in storytelling...

I have a lot of imagination.

Now, you're probably picturing someone a bit "quirky", daydreaming looking out the window, reading fantasy, doing doodles in their sketchbook or that sort of thing. But not really. My imagination is almost obsessive. It often got me in big trouble.

I have to tell you a bit about my childhood, because that's where it all started, I guess ?

See, the "playing pretend" game ? When I was a kid, my whole life was basically this. I am not joking. My. Whole. Life.

It usually started with a hyperfocus on a fictional character – my specific interest is storytelling, so I alternate phases of hyperfocus on characters / stories I like, it's always been like that.

I asked other children to play pretend with me. I often played it with my cousin and my sister. After a while, the game ended. But for me it wasn't over. Even when the other children were leaving and I was alone. Even when I was talking to people who weren't involved in the game. Even when I was going home, eating, showering, going to bed. And the next day, I was still pretending that I was that character.

And it could last for weeks.

It was obsessive. Really. I had decided that I was that character, and then I couldn't stop. I was constantly imagining things that "overlaid" the real world. The place where I was was actually one of the places in my character's universe. The people around me were other characters. The things that happened in my life were part of this roleplay.

Sometimes it had quite a positive impact. It helped me deal with traumas : it hadn't happened to me, but to my character. The people who bullied me in school were the antagonists, so of course I couldn't believe what they were saying. School, a place strongly linked to my traumas, was not school, but a place where I imagined various settings. It was not even a "real place". My family problems ? It was part of the tragic background of my character, of course. The time I almost died ? It wasn't me, it was the character I was playing at the time. What a thrilling story.

And then simpler things. It entertained me. It made me enjoy being alone. I could easily get qualities that I admired, like being more independent, brave, kind... depending on the character I was playing. I just had to pretend to be them, and I could have any personality I wanted without any effort.

But as I grew up, it became more and more obsessive. There were times when I pretended to be a character for months. Two of them lasted for years. Literally. I am not exaggerating.

In middle school, it was the worst years. I basically alternated between two characters, and each phase lasted for months. I used it to run away from my problems. My life wasn't really my life, it was just a big script, I could change it whenever I wanted, nothing was permanent, just a bunch of made up stories. People weren't who they were, just characters, and it made me stay with toxic people, or believe false things about some persons. At a certain point, I started to mix the real and the game, and I had a terrible chuunibyou phase.

I managed to get out of it, but the return to reality was brutal. I didn't know who I was. I had a terrible identity crisis, especially since right at the same time, I realized that I was trans, aroace and autistic. It was too much.

I was so ashamed that I got carried away like that in my imagination that I supressed everything. All of a sudden, I just... Stopped doing that.

It wasn't until a few years and a depression later that I realized it wasn't a good thing to be deprived of my copying mechanism like that.

I mean... It got out of control, I'm not going to deny that. But before that, it was something that helped me a lot. It helped me to be the person I wanted to be. To understand things about myself through characters I identified with. To not feel alone, to be confident, to feel happy thanks to insignificant things, to better understand the world.

So I tried to do it again but like... Setting boundaries.

Always keep in mind that it's just a game. Never pretend for too long. Clearly define when it's over. Don't let the character's negative emotions influence my emotions, focus on the positive traits ; I can imagine angsty scenarios, but I have to stay as detached from them as possible (usually I use them to cope with situations where I already feel bad, it makes reality less unpleasant). Not letting the script influence how I perceive someone who really exists. Don't do this constantly ; I have to have a real life outside of this. Never start believing my stories are real, not even pretending they are.

And I feel pretty good ? It has become a healthier copying mechanism. It even calms my existential crisis. It makes me feel happy when I have no reason to be. I think knowing I'm autistic helps keep it under control ; in middle school, it had become chuunibyou because I was looking for explanations for my difference, but now I know. I'm more self-aware so I don't deny my traumas anymore.

It's been a pretty long time I started doing it again and it's really stable now. I don't have to deprive myself anymore – it was really hard and scary to stop my imagination over and over for the smallest thing, like... I was still making fake scenarios, but staying in my room, not imagining them in the real world, so I was always in my room, never going outside, and it just became more addictive. It's better when I can do it while living my life, it allows me to exist outside of it.

I just still have to work a bit on being less possessive of the characters I'm hyperfocusing on because often, once I've decided a character is basically me, no one else can have them ^^'

It's like a solo RPG. Am I the only one doing this ? Or is it like... A common copying mechanism and I don't know that ?

[theautisticaptain]

I went to an amusement park today with abled people. Never again.

It's all fun and all, they're so happy to go with you because they don't have to queue thanks to your pass.

But then they see the real consequences of your disability so they blame you and shame you, they're like "oh, you're so selfish to feel bad now, we've only been walking non-stop for ten hours, I wanted to stay longer !" and they give you the silence treatment after you leave the park, like it's your fault.

I'm so sorry we have to leave because of me guys, it's not like all the waiting you didn't have to do thanks to me allowed you to do more rides than you could have done in a whole day !

There's nothing more selfish in the world than abled people, and you can't change my mind.

[theautisticaptain]

Autistic headcanon 5

Rhydian Morris from Wolfblood

So everything can be explained by the fact that he's a werewolf (or rather "wolfblood" in the show). But when I was 14 years old I had my "werewolves fan" period, and in fact, when I felt like I was about to have an meltdown but didn't know what it was because I wasn't diagnosed, I was telling myself that it was because I was actually a werewolf and I was going to transform 😅 So I thought all of my autistic traits were "symptoms of werewolf", and I recognized myself as Rhydian at the time, so eventually I don't think I'm a werewolf anymore but he became an autistic headcanon X)

[theautisticaptain]

I re-watched episode 1 of the show, which I hadn't seen since middle school, and... I understand better why I have this headcanon.

Rhydian has never met someone like him, and eventually he meets Maddy who is like him. (In a way, you could almost say that all wolfbloods can represent autistic / neurodivergent people).

I don't remember the exact dialogue anymore (and also I don't watch in English), but at one point Rhydian says other people want to erase who he really is or something like that. A little while later, Maddy says something like "you are normal. [List of wolfblood symptoms]... All of that is normal for a wolfblood".

And then the way they can turn into a wolf, it really looks like meltdowns ... And the way to calm down also really looks like the way to calm a meltdown. Rhydian even says that when he first transformed, his parents kicked him out because he messed up his room. In fact, it all really sounds like a person who has never been diagnosed and the misunderstanding of those around them.

I was a lot like Rhydian in middle school, so I understand better why it's so heartwarming for me to imagine him autistic years later.

[theautisticaptain]

We almost all know the ace stereotypes on the web.

There are some people who don't like being associated with it and that's okay. But I see more and more asexual people criticizing these stereotypes, saying hurtful things to people who likes them, and even making fun of them.

This is not okay.

Personally, and a lot of other people, this whole "dragons, rings, swords, arson, space etc" thing is like a safe space. I can relate to that and it feels good to laugh about it with other ace people. These aren't even hurtful stereotypes, just a vibe.

And even if you don't identify with that, that's no reason to denigrate other people's safe space.

In fact, I feel like it sounds a lot like gay people discriminating / denigrating "eccentric" gay people, you know what I mean ?

THIS IS NOT OKAY.

If you're ace and don't fit into these stereotypes, fine. But do not insult people who recognize themselves in it. This kind of behavior is way too normalized, I have also seen this in the non-binary community, for example...

Don't discriminate against your own community just because they express their identity eccentrically / different from your !

[theautisticaptain]

Ok so I have something for people who like to analyze dreams : I had this dream the other time and it disturbed me a lot.

I don't know why but I was going back to fifth grade with all my old classmates. I was my normal age, but they were exactly as I remembered them : children. And they were all starting to treat me just like they did back then.

I was sitting at a desk in the front row where everyone could see me. I looked at the board, I tried to write down what I saw (stuff that didn't make sense). But then, one of the main children who was bullying me at the time got up from his chair and came in front of me.

He started to laugh at me and insult me, I can't remember exactly what he was saying, I think he called me a "bacteria", like back then, but I'm not sure. In fact, I think I was trying not to hear what he was saying, that's why I can't remember.

I looked up at the teacher. She wasn't my fifth grade teacher, she was a woman I don't know, but she looked like the image I have of a psychologist. She told me she couldn't do anything, anything at all.

I looked at this kid and ordered him to shut up, but he continued. I was talking louder and louder to tell him to stop this and, just like back then, he didn't care, and all the other students were watching laughing, the "teacher" wasn't coming to help me. I was shaking and wanted to cry. It was as if the whole room was dark and evil. I felt hopeless. I felt like it was going on for hours.

And then actually, after a while, I suddenly realized that I was arguing with a kid. Worse, I was arguing with a memory. And the more he laughed at me, the more I found him ridiculous, HIM, and not me. He was so small and not even real when I was me. What the hell could he do to me, huh ? All of this had already happened. It was long over in real life. And no matter how much he continued to insult me, I couldn't even hear him anymore. He was just become an unpleasant, blurry background noise.

“I grew up but they didn't,” I said. (Or something like that, I don't remember well but it looked like this)

And the woman at the teacher's desk nodded, smiling. After that, the dream ended.

Since then, I just... stopped crying when I look back on that time. I was so stuck in these memories, and it only took a single dream for it to end. It was really weird.

I very often have dreams like this, with more or less obvious messages... I don't know, I wanted to share that because I find it really interesting.

[theautisticaptain]

Me: uh, I have some similarities with ADHD...

*Panic*

Me: well, I'm autistic and that's all, it's normal that there are things in common. I will ignore this.

*The few stories from people who are autistic and have ADHD at the same time*

Me : wait, why do I relate to autism + ADHD better than just autism ? And why...

*Panic intensifies*

(Please no, I don't want to relive the sessions at the psychiatrist, help 😭)

[theautisticaptain]

The other day I saw a post on Instagram from an autistic person saying we understand exactly what neurotypical people think of us.

And I can't help but think back to how true that is.

I have spent my whole life being surrounded only by neurotypical people. So obviously I've spent my whole life having to analyze how they think and try to imitate them.

Now I understand their thought patterns almost every time. Sometimes I overinterpret things, or I'm too naive about their intentions, but most of the time I understand exactly the reasoning going on in their minds.

I know how they think, but I can't seem to think the same.

It's... a little complicated to explain. I know what they want from me, but I can't do it. I understand the reasoning behind their behaviors, but I don't understand WHY they have this reasoning.

In fact, it often got me to think : "what's wrong with them ?" then I realize that I am the only one who doesn't understand so I think rather : "what's wrong with ME ?"

But there is nothing wrong with me, it's just the system that makes us believe that the neurotypical way of reasoning and perceiving is the only one that is valid, but it's not true, my perception is as valid than theirs.

So yeah... it's not like I don't understand absolutely nothing about their way of thinking. I understand how they reason. It's just that, from my point of view, it doesn't make sense. If I could choose to reason like a neurotypical person, I would refuse.

[my-darling-boy]

While Apple Sauce seems to have people’s attention

[theautisticaptain]

This is my new stimtoy

(Yes, it's a plush from an old, french, kids cartoon XD)

[theautisticaptain]

I have big problems with friendship. When I was little, I didn't have a lot of friends, but sometimes I ran into children that I knew a little at the school, we played together, and even if we didn't talk to each other for several weeks, we would play together again when we saw each other, and I could call them "friends".

But then people started to get upset if I didn't talk to them for too long, and they were also jealous and felt abandoned if I spoke to someone else instead of them, and I didn't notice it right away because, at the same time, a friend that I had wanted less and less to play with me and I thought it was normal because I didn't care that she talks to others instead of me, until she told me that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. And since the others were upset that I sometimes ignored them, they didn't want to be my friends either.

Then I failed to integrate the fact that I should NOT ignore people for no reason for them to want to be my friends, and even if I try, now it's too late, that's how I am, and I can't make friends anymore...

I only get to have short-term friendships, like meeting someone, joking with them, and then never talking to them again. I would love to be really close to someone, but every time I try to have a long term friendship it ends badly because I don't know how to go about it.

I just ended up finding people much too complicated, you shouldn't be too intrusive but you don't have the right to want to stop talking to them for a while for no reason, you should not be cold with them but you have to wait a very long time before talking about things that are too personal, you have to be yourself but not reveal your whole personality when you don't know them enough, etc... It's too complicated, why is it that I can't act like when I was in kindergarten and just joke or talk seriously with them every now and then but that it's okay if I don't talk to them for weeks ?

I really cannot integrate the system of neurotypical relationships...

[theautisticaptain]

I really have to talk about how obsessed neurotypical people are with physical contact with us.

Basically, they're already obsessed with having physical contact even when they don't know you are autistic. It starts in childhood.

"Give your aunt a hug", "come on my knees", "give grandma a kiss"... And if you refuse, they insist again and again. They know you hate it but they feel proud when you give in to give them a hug or something.

But when they know you are autistic, it's even worse.

Sometimes they just force you to give them a hug, or they touch you without asking. They insist so much that you end up giving in from exhaustion, and then they're like "haha, you see, I can touch they, ME", like some kind of unhealthy pride, like they feel privileged to have managed to touch you.

I even saw parents / siblings of autistic people who were going to touch the person without warning by filming themselves, and then they posted it on the internet with the caption of things like "he is autistic but I can touch him", "she is autistic, it took so long for her to accept that I give her a hug", "look, by dint of perseverance, now he no longer complains" etc... It's almost like they're bragging about how they've managed to exhaust the person to the point that they accept of being touched. And I know what it's like, I've known people like that : in the end you're just so fed up, you're just so tired that you let them hug you trying to imagine you're not in your body.

It's extremely violent to come across these kinds of videos when you are autistic.

Neurotypical people need to stop feeling this unhealthy pride in having physical contact with us...

[theautisticaptain]

Me : *watching a report on TV about a woman of the 20th century*

The historian after having described what looks like asexuality : "she was frigid, hysterical and she hated men"

Me : *change channel*

[theautisticaptain]

Autistic headcanon 5

Rhydian Morris from Wolfblood

So everything can be explained by the fact that he's a werewolf (or rather "wolfblood" in the show). But when I was 14 years old I had my "werewolves fan" period, and in fact, when I felt like I was about to have an meltdown but didn't know what it was because I wasn't diagnosed, I was telling myself that it was because I was actually a werewolf and I was going to transform 😅 So I thought all of my autistic traits were "symptoms of werewolf", and I recognized myself as Rhydian at the time, so eventually I don't think I'm a werewolf anymore but he became an autistic headcanon X)

[theautisticaptain]

Autistic headcanon 4

Lilo Pelekai from Lilo & Stitch

It's been a while since I saw the movie so at the time I didn't necessarily think she was autistic, but I remember that I really identified with her a lot precisely because of her autistic traits (and I loved this movie). And in fact come to think of it, she is seen as "different" from other children and cannot fit in despite her attempts, she has the routine of going to feed the fish with peanut butter every day, and there are really a lot of aspects of her personality that made me recognize my difference in her at the time...

[theautisticaptain]

Nobody :

Aces who try to understand what “sexual tension” means but fail miserably :

Every time people are like "sexual tension😳" in contexts where I don't see any connection, so much so that I'm not even sure what those words mean 😭😅

[theautisticaptain]

What's the oldest meltdown / shutdown you can remember ?

Personally, I have this old memory of my very first day of school. I was 3 years old. My mom took me to kindergarten, and suddenly I was overwhelmed by the screams of other children, those laughing, those crying, the sound of toys, the teachers talking, the smell of chalk... I was totally lost, I let go of my mother's hand for a moment and when I wanted to take it back, it was no longer there.

She was gone while I looked away.

I was so overwhelmed and lost that I had a meltdown.

I sat in a very remote corner and started to cry and scream with all my might. The teachers tried to calm me down but there was nothing they could do, if any of them tried to touch me I would scream even louder.

In the end, they had to phone my parents to come and get me. I calmed down a bit when they told me my mom was coming to pick me up, but I kept crying until she arrived ^^'

[theautisticaptain]

Feel different

I think everyone autistic people has felt this way. And it's really very present when you have been diagnosed late.

When I was a kid, I didn't really understand what was wrong. I felt that there is like a disconnection with the other children. They made it clear to me that I was weird and that they didn't want me. In elementary school, they even had fun calling me "the bacteria".

Later I was with other students, but nothing to do... They still bullied me. (It lasted 10 years, but that's not the point)

I knew full well that at my age all teenagers felt different. It is well known, everyone has an "I'm not like the others" period, right ?

But I don't know... I REALLY felt out of place. It wasn't just a teenage discomfort, it was really overwhelming.

So I started looking for excuses for this difference. I'm a little ashamed but I had "chunibyo" for a very long time... I linked my "symptoms" to supernatural things, but it changed every time. I was like "if I'm like that, it's because I'm sensitive to magic", "if I'm like that, it's because I'm a werewolf" or "if I'm like that, it's because I'm from another world", that sort of thing. It reassured me to tell myself that, and it proved my bullies wrong, so I thought about it for a very long time, until I was 15.

But after a while I was forced to admit that it was rubbish and that it didn't make sense. So I just admitted that I was just a loser, that I would never have any friends and that I was an idiot.

After a while, I realized I was trans and aroace. It gave me an "explanation" for a little while, but I knew there was another reason. So I always thought that I was just a crummy and an incompetent...

Obviously, it was more and more difficult to be attentive in class. I had always had a lot of absences, but this time I was beating some records. Because of bullying, I started to have a school phobia... A lot of things happened in my life at the same time as that, and boom !

When I was 16, I had autistic burnout followed by depression.

I had to go to several psychiatrists and that's when I was diagnosed autistic.

The most incredible thing is that my mother confessed to me later that when I was in elementary school my teachers had advised her several times to take me to a psychiatrist because they suspected that I was neuroatypical, but she had never accepted.

But other than that, no other teachers I had later suspected anything, even though I happened to do meltdowns and shutdowns at school ! For them I was just an "antisocial", a "capricious" and a "lazy"...

When we are autistic and undiagnosed (and even sometimes when we are diagnosed !) People would rather find us full of faults than admit that we can be different.