(Please don't tag this aroace/aromantic asexual. I myself am, and I don't like the blurring of lines between the 2 identities. This is just for the asexuality. If you are aroace, howdy!!! I'm sure you are sick of the blurring too.)
I’m currently in the mid-stages of plotting out a sci-fi series with an lgbtq+ protagonist, who is specifically asexual and lesbian, so she has a female love interest but isn’t interested in sex nor does she experience sexual attraction to any gender. I’m having a few doubts about how to properly represent this character without enforcing any stereotypes about ace people.
For some background, my character is a woman in her late 20s in a sci-fi future where sexual orientations aren’t really a big deal, so people can date/marry/have sex with any gender. But I am worried that because of her personality and situation, her being asexual might come off as a very poor sterotype. She lives mostly alone and has no friends or family at first, and also does not trust other people becaue of events in her past and the grim world she lives in, where crime is very high. She’s also socially awkward due to her lack of interaction with people on a personal level, and is very closed off at first.
However, as the series progresses, she learns to trust others and work with a team, and she becomes more outgoing and less awkward, and never questions her sexuality along the way since she’s an adult and has known that she’s homoromantic/ace for a long time.
I’m worried that these traits may come off as harmful despite her positive character development, the explicit repetition of her sexuality (aka it never changes nor do other people try to change her) and my best intentions. Do you have any advice as to how to ensure she isn’t falling into this stereotype?
- thanks, <3
In general if you're ever worried about depicting one character as a stereotype, having other characters of the same or similar identities (like in this case having someone who is aro or ace who experiences attraction of some other genre besides their aro or aceness would probably work) who do not share the qualities you're worried about is a good call.
But largely I also want to point out that a stereotype becomes a problem when you divorce it from humanity. If you've researched the different ways someone can experience asexuality and written this person as a whole person, and made it clear in-text that these aren't related traits, I think you're golden.
That said: this is probably just a minor wording issue or lack of info given here, but I want to mention that lots of ace people do have interest in sex, whether academic or as a hobby or whatever else. Not having an interest in having sex is a part of many people's asexuality, but it is not a universal default experience. It's the presence of attraction or not which defines asexuality.
It's kind of funny to me how aces are portrayed as innocent/pure and not actually knowing what sex is because like. first of all, the 'aces not knowing what sex is' feels like the whole 'you haven't found the right person yet' shit.
also the fact that I am ace in the first place means that I know very well what sex is. I've never truly experienced but I've masterbated and I've read about it and I've seen it in movies and tv shows and books and even after all that. I've never liked it. I've stood up and said that this experience is not something I enjoy and my personal experiences contribute to who I am as a person and what I choose to do with my life
And then people tell me that I don't know what "real" sex is, or I can't know if I don't like sex if I've never had it, or I just haven't found the right person yet. Like. Bitch?
Then, you compare it to other aspects of my life.
Telling someone "I have a legitimate fear of public speaking that prevents me from talking in front of a crowd, to the point that I will have a panic attack if forced" and that's all fine and normal, "everyone has stage fright, you don't have to do anything you don't want to" but the moment it becomes "I legitimately have no desire for sex, in fact I don't feel sexual attraction at all and identify as asexual, and because of my orientation I have no desire for sex, biological kids, or a marriage simply because of the societal expectation of sex" it's now a "you just haven't found the right person yet; sex is amazing, you'll get married and change your mind. Besides, you're too young to know" or "kids are an absolute joy, how could you not want them?" or better yet, bringing up the gospel and using that to inform me that I couldn't possibly be ace because it's "not in god's plan"
after all that. If I ever survive it. It becomes "you can overcome your anxiety if you just try harder", "you're just too inexperienced to know that you don't like sex", "are your personal experiences because of these things that happened in the past?"
I got some words for all of you. "stay the fuck away from my personal life, do you want me to ask you about your sex life? You belong to this church? Well, the real church is much better, you just don't know what the bible says. Leave me the fuck alone."
We almost all know the ace stereotypes on the web.
There are some people who don't like being associated with it and that's okay. But I see more and more asexual people criticizing these stereotypes, saying hurtful things to people who likes them, and even making fun of them.
This is not okay.
Personally, and a lot of other people, this whole "dragons, rings, swords, arson, space etc" thing is like a safe space. I can relate to that and it feels good to laugh about it with other ace people. These aren't even hurtful stereotypes, just a vibe.
And even if you don't identify with that, that's no reason to denigrate other people's safe space.
In fact, I feel like it sounds a lot like gay people discriminating / denigrating "eccentric" gay people, you know what I mean ?
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
If you're ace and don't fit into these stereotypes, fine. But do not insult people who recognize themselves in it. This kind of behavior is way too normalized, I have also seen this in the non-binary community, for example...
Don't discriminate against your own community just because they express their identity eccentrically / different from your !
I went on a Twitter rant about asexuality and the assumptions people make about it
(full transcript below the cut)
Transcript:
I had an incident happen a couple days ago that really got me thinking about how the world views asexuality/the ace spectrum
I was playing a card game called Quick & Dirty with my friends, and a few of them thought all my filthy answers were "ironic" since I'm ace
Which is weird, because I've always looked at it the other way - it's kind of "ironic" that I'm ace since I have such a lewd sense of humor
But in reality, a dirty mind and asexuality aren't mutually exclusive. So it's not ironic at all. And that really made me think...
Even though more people are talking/learning about asexuality, it's still not well understood. Especially all the nuances of the spectrum
Many people confuse asexuality with other things: aromanticism, celibacy, hatred of sex, a disorder, innocence... just to name a few
But in reality, "asexual" just means you fall on a spectrum of feeling little to no sexual attraction to others. That's literally it.
So why is asexuality so often confused with other concepts? And why do people make so many assumptions (most of them false) about aces?
The ace spectrum includes a diverse range of experiences. So how can anyone assume they know what a person is like just because they're ace?
I don't blame my friends - or anyone - for making these assumptions about aces. I made plenty of my own while I was still questioning.
The real problem isn't the assumptions themselves - it's the root cause, which is an appalling lack of sex education in our society
I remind myself of this whenever those assumptions get to me. (I try not to let them, but I'm only human, & sometimes they frustrate me)
More importantly, I ask myself what I can do about this problem. And I think I have an idea that will help, at least a little
I made an educational comic about discovering the ace spectrum and coming out, and it's reached a lot of people: http://gckinsey.tumblr.com/post/148694750931/this-is-a-little-comic-i-made-about-the-journey-i
And this incident with my friends has inspired me to make a comic about what asexuality is not. I want to tackle those assumptions head-on.
So really, even though I felt weird about it, I have to thank my friends for calling my dirty sense of humor + my asexuality "ironic"
I think I've been subconsciously looking for a way to address those assumptions about asexuality for a while, & this has given me the push
So I'll be making a comic about this soon - probably for release during Ace Awareness Week in October. But in the meantime...
Asexuality is NOT:
-fake
-hatred of sex
-celibacy
-innocence
-a disorder
-an automatic rejection
-aromanticism
-one size fits all
#ace #psa
