Officer Dangus

Nice to meet ya’ll. I’m Officer Dangus! I don’t really know why I made a Tumblr account. Honestly, I was just sittin’ around waitin’ for the phone to ring and thought “what the heck!?” I hope we’re all gonna have a darn good time on this here, uhhh, social media thingie.

[thebestdangcopever]

“Had to go to Cedar Lane today. Jeepers, that place gives me the CREEPS!”

“Some rowdy teens were trying to cover it in TP AGAIN.”

“I can’t wait until my shift ends. This job’s gettin’ so OLD.”

[chipmunkweirdo]

Would you like me to upload some bonus content from The Tale Of Two Teachers in the form of a script of what Dr. Wilson’s ride home with the Chipmunks and Officer Dangus was like?

I had an idea for it, but the story’s already finished.

[chipmunkweirdo]

Here it is as promised! The drive home from The Tale Of Two Teachers!

OFFICER DANGUS: Hold up. Hold up. Let me get this straight. Ya tied yer car keys to a dang kite? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard in my life! And I’ve heard a heck of a lotta crazy stuff.

DR. WILSON: I was going for authenticity. Benjamin Franklin style.

ALVIN 2.0: Aside from being very risky business, it really WAS kinda awesome! I wish I got to enjoy the moment more instead of freaking out at ya.

DR. WILSON: You and Brittany really rose to the occasion. I’m glad you were able to talk sense into me.

THEODORE: ME TOO! I was so scared you’d get struck by lightning! I’m really happy you’re okay! Getting struck by lightning is NOT FUN!

OFFICER DANGUS: Why’s he sayin’ that like he knows from experience?

SIMON: Because he does.

OFFICER DANGUS: What!?

THEODORE: It’s true! I got struck by lightning and then I thought I was gonna turn into an evil supervillain like Dr. Zap.

DR. WILSON: Oh dear.

OFFICER DANGUS: Wait just a cotton pickin’ minute. If ya got struck, where’s your scars? Don’t people usually get scars?

THEODORE: Uhhhh…I dunno.

SIMON: Mutant chipmunks are fairly resistant to scarring.

ALVIN 2.0: And yet, my freckle zit scars remain.

OFFICER DANGUS: I learn something new about you kids every day.

DR. WILSON: So, Officer Dangus, is it? I hear you’re basically a father now. Did you foresee this life changing development?

OFFICER DANGUS: Well, err, I kinda…I expected it a little. I’ve dreamed about Dave Seville for years. I knew these young’ns were part of the deal. They’re real good kids, the lot of ‘em. I’m livin’ my best life. They helped me gain the confidence to tell Dave how I felt….and the rest is history.

DR. WILSON & ALVIN: History. Our worst subject. (Laughing together)

SIMON: Truly a monumental change for the better.

DR. WILSON: It is quite an exceptional story.

THEODORE: This family is the best!

OFFICER DANGUS: Hey, Adam, you’re pretty much part of the family too...the way Alvin never stops jibber jabberin’ ‘bout ya.

DR. WILSON: Aw shucks. Really?

SIMON: One of the most influential people in his life.

ALVIN 2.0: You’re the first grown-up I’ve ever been able to call my friend!

DR. WILSON: This is…..my goodness….I don’t know what to say.

THEODORE: It’s okay. Take your time.

DR. WILSON: This is monumental. I, I’m not sure if you know this, but I don’t have very many friends.

OFFICER DANGUS: Well, now ya do. And I can be a friend too! (Teasing) Since ya finally paid all those parking tickets ya’ve been rackin’ up.

DR. WILSON: (embarrassed) Heh heh.

ALVIN 2.0: Of course, you’re probably gonna get another one since ya had to leave your car at school overnight, but…uh…maybe they don’t ticket ya for that!

DR. WILSON: (facepalm)

OFFICER DANGUS: Okey dokey! Here’s your stop. I got the address right….I think.

SIMON: No. This is 645 Cedar Lane. Dr. Wilson lives at 654 Birch Drive.

OFFICER DANGUS: Aw fudge nuggets! Cedar, Birch, they’re both trees! I got confused.

ALVIN 2.0: If ya let me drive, I can take us there! I know a shortcut.

OFFICER DANGUS: Uh uh little man.

ALVIN 2.0: (shrugs) It was worth a shot. You know, that time ya let me play with your walkie-talkie was fun and all, but I have always wanted to drive a cop car! I don’t think it would be that out of line for you to let somebody who is pretty much your son take it for a teensy weensy spin!

DR. WILSON: (trying not to laugh)

OFFICER DANGUS: Don’t make me yell at you like Dave does. Do you want that?

ALVIN 2.0: (shakes his head side to side)

OFFICER DANGUS: No. Nobody wants that.

THEODORE: I just wanna get home. I’m ready to make dinner…and eat dinner. (Stomach growling)

OFFICER DANGUS: Aw shoot! Was I supposed to make a left turn or a right at that intersection?

SIMON: Left. You know what? I’ll be your GPS.

DR. WILSON: What a splendid idea.

ALVIN 2.0: (narrating) And so, with Simon’s incredible memory, Dangus finally succeeded in droppin’ Dr. Wilson off at his house. Then, we “high tailed it home for some home-style cookin’.” as Dangus would say.

[thebestdangcopever]

“You ain’t gonna believe the calls I got from the school last week.”

“Someone replaced the water in the bathrooms with MELTED CHEESE. I said “I ain’t maintenance. I dunno how you fix this thing.”

“I will get you, pranksters! You can’t outwit a man of the law!”

“Oh, hey, someone left a bag of free Cheetos in my car.”

“….Nevermind. It was full of rubber snakes. Those things feel nasty.”

“CURSE YOU, PRANKSTERS!”

[thebestdangcopever]

“Whoooohooo! Got my official invite to the neighborhood block party today!”

“I’mma be runnin’ the snack table. I picked out five different kinds of cheese for the crackers. Jeanette doesn’t like cheese, so I’m tryin’ to find a vegan cheese for her. Vegans don’t eat cheese. Did you know that? I jus’ learned that.”

[davidrossseville]

“Today’s been an interesting Sunday.”

“First, Alvin woke up at the crack of dawn to climb on the roof and watch the sunrise. Theodore heard him and thought he was the boogyman.”

“Then, Simon and I played a game of Trivial Pursuit which was interrupted by Geizmo running into the room screaming about Warbie knocking down his Lego castle.”

“After that, the Chipettes stopped by for lunch and Eleanor pranked Alvin with some hot sauce filled pizza rolls as a late April-Fools joke.”

“Simon accidentally pulled a muscle in his back and I had to rub ointment on him.”

“Derek showed up with Eleanor for round 2 of the pranks. My car was covered in silly string.”

“I called Officer Dangus and he made Derek and Eleanor apologize and then took them for a ride in his cop car.”

“I got a call from him 30 minutes later saying that he lost Eleanor.”

“By dinnertime, I was about ready to fall over, so I took a nap on the couch. I woke up with Brittany testing her new makeup on me.”

“There was more, but I think you get the idea. Never a dull moment with my family.”

[thebestdangcopever]

“Ya’ll will never guess where I found blondie.”

“She was under the backseat! Got me in the face with silly string too! Oooh boy, what a day.”

“But it was kinda fun.”

[chipmunkweirdo]

Theodore has gifted you all with a new mini fic!

It’s got the whole family in it! And a big Miss. Miller moment you won’t wanna miss!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/48784018/chapters/164455045

[thebestdangcopever]

“Dave had to leave in a hurry this mornin’ and he asked me to come over and help the kids get ready for school.”

“WHOOOWEEE! MY FIRST OFFICIAL PARENTING DUTY! Time to show off my skills!”

“I know it’s just packing lunches and stuff, but it feels HUGE, ya know?”

[thebestdangcopever]

“Life is SWEET!”

“I heard there was a winter scavenger hunt downtown and I’m ‘bout to ask Dave if he and the kids wanna go.”

“I bet we’ll have a darn good time!”

[chipmunkweirdo]

Here's the Christmas story this year! It's Dave and Officer Dangus focused, but it's still got some of the kiddos in it too!

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[davidrossseville]

"I'm not sure how to say this....so I'll just...come out and say it."

"Doris Dangus and I are officially...dating!"

"He asked me out on Christmas Eve and it was a huge surprise. We've decided to try things out."

[thebestdangcopever]

"I caught myself a songwriter! He's the best catch in the whole darn pond!"

"After years and years of waitin', it finally happened!"

[thebestdangcopever]

"You know, if I was in that Home Alone movie, Kevin wouldn't have needed to rough up them burglars. I would've found them and given them a swift kick in the pants!"

[thebestdangcopever]

“I find myself stoppin’ a lot of shoplifters at this time of year.”

“Black Friday was a hoot! People lose their darn minds!”

“I ain’t never seen Ms. Croner jump that high before. I guess she really wanted that new blender.”

“What’s she even gonna use it for? Probably cat food puree. Icky.”

[thebestdangcopever]

“Wishin’ the Miller girls a fantastic Chipette Day!”

“I got a little somethin’ for you three down at the station. You can pick it up after school.”

[geizmothelittlerobot]

“What I supposed to do when daddy goes camping?”

“I hope that old lady with the cats don’t watch me.”

“She scary. Very very scary. Like a witch.”

[thebestdangcopever]

“Guess who’s the official babysitter for Simon’s robot? This guy! What can I say? I guess I’m great with kids!”

“They also want me to watch a bird, a mouse, a dog, and another robot. How hard can it be?”

“I hope Dave and the kids have fun campin’!”

[thebestdangcopever]

“I’m pleased to report that the crime rates this summer are low low low.”

“Time to ask the chief about a vacation.”

“Might have a cookout with the fam’ for the 4th of July.”

“It’s gonna be quite the shindig, if ya catch my drift.”

[thebestdangcopever]

“I went to see a psychic for romance advice today.”

“She said I gotta follow my heart and go for it.”

“Am I ready for that? I don’t think I’m ready for that!”

“We ain’t just talkin’ about my life, we’re talkin’ about the lives of my crush’s family too! What if they don’t want me? What if HE doesn’t want me?”