whoa ok step back, daedalus built a cow suit for a woman who wanted to fuck a bull and that's why the minotaur WAS A THING? I DID NOT KNOW THIS
I honestly think that Iâd be doing you a great disservice if I didnât tell you about the time Daedalus enabled rampant bestiality, so allow me to clear this gap in your knowledge.Â
Anyone who doesnât want to read a poorly retold myth about a man who built a cow suit so realistic that it totally fooled a magic bull into laying down some absolutely quality homo-bovine dick and siring a minotaur should probably press J on their keyboard right now, but honestly if that synopsis doesnât do it for you then you should probably just quit Greek mythology all together.
So, Minos is this guy who manages to achieve the dual feat of being both King of Crete and an incorrigible asshole. Also, the first achievement is a really tenuous one, because Minos has like a billion brothers and heâs basically Malcolm in the Middle and all his brothers are better looking than him and they have way better abs and itâs really awkward every year at Christmas because theyâre all âcould you pass the stuffing, Minos? Also youâre totally stuffed because Iâm going to be king one day haha suck it, right onâ and so Minos starts to get really worried that heâs going to lose the throne to one of his more lustrous-locked brothers and then heâll be stuck with just the one achievement of being an incorrigible asshole and so he has a little brood and he comes up with a plan.Â
One day, he goes up to Poseidon, god of the sea and all things wet (or at least thatâs what he tells girls at the Olympus nightclubs) and heâs like âhey, Poseidon, could you do me a solid?â and Poseidon is like âno bro but I can do you a liquidâ and they have a little manly giggle and then Minos says âno but really, I need a favourâ and Poseidon is like âwell, you just gave me a golden opportunity to mock the states of matter, Iâm 100% up for doing any favour you wantâ and Minos says âwell, you know how I have loads of brothersâ and Poseidon is like âyou mean the better looking ones?â and Minos pouts and says âlooks arenât everything, but yes, those onesâ and Poseidon is like âgo onâ and Minos says âwell, I need them to stop trying to steal the throne because itâs getting really annoying and also I canât sleep at night any more and itâs driving my hot wife insane, could you maybe show that you totally support me being King of Crete? That way, theyâll definitely stop being dicks at Christmasâ and Poseidon just nods and says âI have a great idea for how I can do thisâ
and Minos is like âwow, are you going to send down an army of merpeople and slaughter all my brothers in a righteous and watery battle?â and Poseidon is like ânoâ and Minos says âare you going to conjure up a giant tidal wave and make it destroy all my brothersâ homes but leave my palace totally intact?â and Poseidon is like ânoâ and Minos says âwell, are you going to turn all my brothers into mermen?â and Poseidon is like âlook, Iâm going to send you a bullâ
and Minos just blinks and says âa bullâ and Poseidon nods and grins and says âyes, a bullâ and Minos says âTHATâS bullâ and Poseidon points behind him and says âno, THATâS a bullâ and then he brings out this fucking phenomenal bull. Like, this bull puts all other bulls to shame. Itâs glowing white and itâs as big as two ordinary bulls and probably twice as virile. Itâs basically overcompensation in taurine form. Anyway, this bull is so bitchinâ that immediately, all of Minosâ brothers are like âwow, nope, you can keep that throne, we donât want Poseidon to sic his sick bull on usâ and basically Minos lives happily ever after with his incredible bull.
Until eventually Poseidon shows up at Minosâ palace and says âhey, Minos, you know that really awesome bull I lent you a while back?â and Minos is like âwhat bullâ and Poseidon is like âthe magical snow white bull which gleamed in the Cretan sun like limestone and Apolloâs cheekbonesâ and Minos is like âoh, THAT bullâ and Poseidon is like âyes, that bull, now where is it because Iâm having a bull party next week and I really want it backâ and Minos says âwell, hereâs the thing, and itâs kind of a funny story really and Iâm sure weâll laugh about it later, maybe we could even laugh about it now, ha, but anyway all jokes aside Iâm keeping the bullâ and Poseidon is all âlike fuck youâre keeping that bull, itâs my best bull, this is bullshitâ and Minos is like âthatâs one of the hazards of keeping a bull, maybe youâre not cut out for itâ and Poseidon says âyou havenât heard the end of this, Minos, you have made a very powerful and watery enemyâ and he leaves and Minos goes and, like, pets the bull or something, I donât know what you do with bulls.
So, Poseidon goes back to his soggy lair and formulates a plan, and he eventually comes up with something straight out of Quentin Tarantinoâs brie-induced nightmares. He goes to find Aphrodite, the goddess of love and afternoon delight, and says âhey Aphrodite, first of all you look delectable and secondly I need you to help me make a woman bang a bullâ and Aphrodite is like âI honestly hate this job sometimes, but youâre right, I do look delectable, tell me moreâ and Poseidon is like âI had this really sweet bull and I lent it to Minos so he would think I liked him and now he wonât give it back and so I need you to make his wife fall in love with the bull, itâs a foolproof vengeance planâ and Aphrodite says âyou are a godâ and Poseidon says âyesâ and Aphrodite says âwhy canât you just, you know, take back the bull with your divine power?â and Poseidon is like âlook, are you going to make this woman fall in love with the bull or notâ and Aphrodite is like âfuck yes, that sounds hilarious, consider it done and I want front row seatsâ and Poseidon is like âyou are my favourite niece and occasional lover, I owe you oneâ
Back to the palace at Crete, where Minosâ wife, PasiphaĂ«, is lounging about on a contemporary equivalent to a chaise-lounge when she suddenly gets this unmistakable urge to do the do with a bull - but not just any bull, her loins quiver only for the bull in her husbandâs barnyard. Instead of doing what most people would do when they realise they have an insatiable urge to make tender love to a bull and immediately committing herself to months of therapy, she thinks âI know what I have to doâ and she picks up the contemporary equivalent of a phone and calls Daedalus, inventor and architect extraordinaire.
Sheâs all âhey, Daedalus, we have patient confidentiality, right?â and Daedalus is like âIâm not your doctor, so noâ and sheâs like âwell, Iâm your Queen, so how about you say âyesâ instead and I tell you what I want?â and Daedalus is like âmy lips are sealed, tell me what you needâ and sheâs all âwell, thereâs this really rad guy and I totally want to just lay him down and lick chocolate sauce off his body, but thereâs a hitch in my planâ and Daedalus says âyeah, youâre marriedâ and PasiphaĂ« says âyes, and also heâs a bullâ and Daedalus is like âdo you mean heâs well hung orâ and PasiphaĂ« is like âlook man you gotta help me on this, I need me some sweet bullocking and only you can help meâ and Daedalus says âIâll do what I can, but I hope you have a damn good shower at your palace because I may need to use it for about 6 weeks afterwardsâ and sheâs like âdone, now get over here and get me someâ
So Daedalus turns up and helps her, and in the blink of an eye, heâs built her this monstrous wooden cow suit. Now, the myth is not exactly clear on the mechanics of this bovine sex toy, but itâs established that PasiphaĂ« gets into the cow suit and goes to find her bullock beau and they make sweet, sweet cattle love all day and all night. I do not know how she manoeuvres herself inside this wooden furry abomination and frankly I do not want to know, but whatever she does is 100% successful because 9 months later she gives birth to another furry abomination. The good news is that heâs a healthy, bouncing baby boy. The bad news is that he is half baby and half bull and also he has this really annoying habit that most newborns donât have of eating people, which means that Minos is the definition of Not Impressed with his new stepson, so he does what any sane human would do in this situation, and he calls Daedalus.Â
Daedalus says âIâm in the shower, what do you want?â and Minos is like âlook, my wife has committed a slight indiscretion and I need you to take care of the resultâ and Daedalus is like âshe fucked a bull and sheâs had a grotesque hybrid baby, hasnât sheâ and Minos narrows his eyes and says âhow do you know?â and Daedalus says âjust a stab in the dark, mate, I had no hand in this at all, literally none, just let me wash my hands a minute and Iâll be right backâ and Minos is like âjust build something to trap that devil spawn, because itâs started to eat my servants and I never even wanted a stepson anyway, itâs just one more claim to the throne isnât itâ and Daedalus is like âdude, give me a week and itâll be doneâ
and so Daedalus constructs this impenetrable labyrinth thatâs so impregnable that Daedalus nearly gets lost on the way out, and they lob the minotaur tot right into the middle of it, and thatâs that.
Except then the minotaur starts demanding the sacrifice of seven young men every year, who are tossed into the labyrinth and forced to play a fatal game of cat and mouse with a grotesque superpowered man-bull creature that will ultimately devour them, flesh from bone, at the heart of a labyrinth that only he can navigate, but thatâs a story for another myth. Or The Maze, starring Dylan OâBrien, out in a multiplex near you.
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