There Is No Single “First Time”
Virginity is a concept that are not useful to individuals. It creates a culture of shame around sex, ties sexual experience to value, and assumes that certain types of sex “count” more than others.
For a lot of people, “losing one’s virginity” or someone’s “first time” means a cisgender man’s penis entering a cisgender woman’s vagina. But not everyone has this experience, wants this experience, or is capable of this experience; which leaves many people out of conversations about sexual pleasure and health and marginalizes many groups whose sex lives are considered wrong/not enough/deviant/lacking.
Another issue is that not everyone’s experience with this type of sex is consensual, which can create a lot of shame since virginity (especially for women) is tied to self-worth and “goodness”, compounding the feeling of loss.
Yet another issue is that there are many firsts within sexual relationships that don’t get the same amount of discussion or support. This can leave high and dry those looking for emotional support, those looking for sexual expression, or those struggling with a sense of having changed/moved beyond some version of themselves/experienced part of a sexual journey.
The first time trying anything new or changing up an old pattern/cycle can be exciting, scary, confusing, surprising, frustrating, joyful, disappointing, or something else entirely! And all these feelings are valid and deserve to be seen as valuable and worthy.
Other firsts in a sexual relationship could include:
-First time engaging in a specific act other than penetrative sex, such as oral sex, dirty talk, spanking, touching over/under clothes, ect.
-First time sexting or having phone sex
-First time having sex as a specific gender* or with a specific gender expression
*Can happen for genderfluid, genderflux, or nonbinary people who move between genders
-First time having sex with/without an assistive device
-First time having gentle/rough sex
-First time having sex with another partner than you’re used to
-First time trying a specific kink
-First time with one partner that usually receives/gives switching their role
-First time having sex in a specific space
-First time having sex while fluid-bonded (i.e. without barriers)
-First time watching someone else masturbate
-First time having sex with a toy
-First time having sex with multiple people
And many more! You’re allowed to celebrate your first times, to value them as fundamental to your sexuality, and to prepare for them as carefully and reverently as society expects for the “typical” first times.
