Always living like I'm running out of time. Do it all before they say goodbye. This year was grueling. In every sense. But, with the deepest depths of suffering come the natural highest peak and light. Always to reflect, "If you could go back and change it, would you?" In this moment, yeah. I would. Clocks don't go in reverse, though. I'm so lucky to make it with scar tissue and no open, or scabbed wounds. I am in love, organically, naturally, not picturesque, but love. Not from a place of panic. I thought love was what paid the bills and changed the scenery. It was the actions I had to take to keep my spot in a place where my rent, groceries, and electricity were kept updated.
Hate to admit, but I've been too busy, sedated, and sedentary to write like I used to. I burned a lot of my feelings and empathy working overtime in healthcare. As weak as it sounds. I got a break from my own suffrage to reflect on how the human body can fail you before your emotions catch up. That came with its own pain in a sense.
This year was plagued with pain, confusion, suffering, masochism, isolation, and a guilty grin. I have yet to suffer this much, in a sense, because of my environment. I let myself become entrapped in a remote setting yet again, after believing people that evil could change. I truly had to bite my tongue to keep from freezing on the streets of North Dakota. I played the foolish jester in someone else's game, and the bite was so deep I got rabies. But now I see how to be free--to an extent. No longer fearing the misery of the door opening to see him. Begging for the sex to be over, I denied him enough; the courtesy session just can't last that long. "I'm crying, why are you choking me?" "Stop breaking our things. I understand your anger, but you're scaring me." No more of that. I used to be angry at the climax of that incident, I felt injust.
We plan, God laughs. Looking back, if I didn't go through injustice, I'd be found murdered in this same townhouse I write from today. To finally encounter a balance, yang, is a refresh. The cushion of his hard work to take the sun off my back deserves to be repaid in any way he desires. He doesn't ask much, never to raise a voice, tell me "no", or call me crazy, honorable mention is "a CUNT" with the forehead vein bulging with a primal anger.
The stars definitely aligned. God listens when you're on your knees. I claimed Stockholm syndrome in the beginning. I compartmentalized him into my "xanax" category. Temporary relief. Until I could spew my vomit of a story on him and he matched me with his own story. Not listening to my pseudo-affectionate attempts to push him away. I also still got to keep my job, see other people, and establish community.
For a long time, I was plagued with nightmares, paranoia, and adept feelings of abandonment for what I went through earlier this year. It was a burden. More than concrete shoes were laced to my feet. Then, I saw God undercover. Members of the community cutting me grace, financially, emotionally, just to take up space. I do have insomnia, but not to the depths of what I was plagued with until you left. My life did a 180, for the better.
Skinny, fed, loved, confident, and happy, I can sleep at night better than I could when I was 10.
Blame the benzodiazepines, but I fail to recall the worst turmoil of this year. Only the soft landing to establish a routine of comfort, jokes, laughs, and supreme intimacy. An open ear to all my secrets, total acceptance. Every brick I think I have to carry, you're right there picking up the sack before I even get the chance to entwine my fingers.
Heres to a better headstart next year, one not spent in perpetual misery, absolute fatigue, and a clear scope to headshot my coming goals.
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
andulkaphoto
pixelskylines
stormborns
germansingergirl
origamiaround
kaledo-art
