Are SOLDIER Units Human? - An In-Depth Report
by The All-Seeing Eye News Network Reporter Chad Lee
There are many questions about SOLDIER Units to be had. Does a corporation have the power to create a police force of this size? Why do they seem to only target those with powers? Should SOLDIERs be counted as human beings, as autonomous individuals with free will, rights, and emotions? The last question is one that hold a tight grip on the minds of many, plaguing the minds of second rate science fiction authors and robosexuals for months But truly there is only way to determine the answer to the question, which is by answering another question, the only question that matters in regards to the human condition- Can the androids be disappointed by the lack of new John Carpenter movies?
We here at the All Seeing Eye news network sat down with Vantage SOLDIER researcher Morin Roost to explore this perplexing ethical conundrum. “Well, SOLDIERs are built to simulate the human body as much s possible. We like humans, ya know? You like humans. I like humans. Everyone likes humans.” Morin explained. “We have them do all kinds of human things. They can eat. They can breathe. They can bleed. They have assholes. They sometimes just look at the way the world is and get really depressed. They have sex with Samantha from Geometry class in high school and choose to never speak of it again. Normal, human things, simulated to a degree that is indistinguishable from a normal human.”
“So yes,” Morin continued “we have all units come with a pre-programmed thought of “wow, I wish John carpenter was still making movies.” SOLDIERs, like everyone else, think that Halloween and The Thing are great movies, and believe that the film industry- nay, art as a whole- would be better off if Carpenter was still making classic films.”
“Vantage really has given us the resources to make our AIs fully, completely human. And that means that they love John Carpenter more than a caged man loves freedom.” Morin concluded, before getting up and staring deeply, longingly into a poster for the 1982 movie Bladerunner, notably not a John Carpenter movie.
Morin refused to answer any further questions about the SOLDIER’s opinion of They Live, stating that “Never mention that movie again.” in a monotone voice that spoke of horrors none could fathom. Morin ended the interview afterwards.
Thank you to the Vantage Corporation for sitting down with us, reputable and very real news network The All Seeing Eye.








