it’s okay to not be okay. @thefacelessmanner - Tumblr Blog

The walls of my home are watching me, the toaster in my kitchen, the glass that i drink water out of, the sheets that i lay in, the dust, i am being noticed by things that aren’t alive, my pain must be too evident, for non living beings to notice it. how can one’s pain be so evident? For it to be noticed by the silence in my home, i am staring at the walls, they’re screaming back at me, telling me that this home is not a home anymore. “And people are blind, humans are blind by choice. They are not going to notice your grief, even if they do. And no one is going to save you.”

@thefacelessmanner

There’s a knot in my throat, it never comes untied. I wonder if the knot is made up of words that never slip out my tongue, or the emotions that have been building a home in me, leaving nothing but a void. It hurts when i breathe, something is stuck, something is causing me discomfort in my throat, my lungs. It is worse than a disease, it’s grief. All i want one day, is to breathe well. Let it be my last breath, but let me breathe well, just once.

@thefacelessmanner

the beauty of madness is that, it never leaves. Unlike any other emotion, it runs through your veins and if you do not allow it, it will burst out into some kind of a war. It must stay no matter what, you must learn to live with it, as if you don’t, it’ll keep chasing you even more. You have to pursue it, or else it will come after you. And if it’s your madness that’s pursuing you, there will be no control. Only power. And not the good kind.

@thefacelessmanner

If you ever want to understand, understand the eyes. Which is not on the face or in the speech of anyone, It will meet you in their eyes, even if it doesn’t want to.

Meet them in their eyes @thefacelessmanner

my hands are rough, don’t make me touch your skin, i don’t want to leave bruises on your warm body. my eyes are bleeding, don’t make me make you the glimpse in my eye, i don’t want you to drown. my body is cold, don’t be in my arms, i don’t want you to fall sick of me. my mind is crowded, don’t try to be a constant thought in it, my mind has thoughts that could haunt you more than your own. don’t make me love you, my heart is a void, i don’t want you to be lonely, i don’t want you to fall, don’t love me, i don’t want to make you suffer.

don’t love me, i love u, let me go, i want u to live, let me go via @thefacelessmanner

i don’t think i mind the silence between us, rather i love it when it’s present. i don’t mind sitting in silence with you, watching little movements your body makes, the glimpses in your eyes of things you’re trying to watch so carefully, the little details. the silence helps me focus more, more on what i should, your movements, your expressions, the way you breathe, your folded arms. the way you look at me when you don’t know what to say, but it’s still comforting. The silence with you, feels nice. it feels known. it’s okay if we don’t talk much or at all, i just need to be in your presence, that’s what i need.

via @thefacelessmanner ur presence is all i need

i’m shaking, once again. the feeling is back. i am not surprised, as i didn’t think that this bliss would last too long, as the feeling of emptiness always comes back. But it’s different this time, for the first time in my life, i do not want to feel it. it’s not that i want to run away. it’s just, i have lived life, even if it was for a few days, i have lived what i was missing out on. after being in this void for almost all my life, i lived life for the first time, there was a want to. there was a need, it felt comfortable. let me live, the emptiness is not my home anymore. So please, if you’re hearing me, god. I need the cruelty to end, I need to chase this need for life, i need to live. i want to live, for once.

beloved emptiness, there is something that i’ve started to love more, there is something that i need more, more than this void, its life. You are not my home anymore. via @thefacelessmanner

i didn’t wish to see the light of day without you. i wanted to rot in bed, dream of you even when i were awake. i wanted to feel your touch, i gave myself a hug thinking it was you, it was pathetic. missing you, was pathetic. my love was growing with time, it was too much to handle, even for you. i didn’t wish to burden you. so i ran away. because i didn’t think you’d understand the measures i would go for you. i didn’t think you’d understand the mess you created in my heart. it was all too much. the love was too much. for you, for me. i love too much, i love too hard, only to deal with the mess of it, what’s left of it. the blunder.

via @thefacelessmanner

my heart is bleeding, the blood consists of love. it’s flowing out and going to waste, i am letting my love go, it’s all too much. my heart can’t take the weight that love brings with it, it makes my heart race, i thought love must be filling, love must make you feel full, and it did, the difference being it filling my heart so much that it’s heavy. love is so filling that it has destroyed my once a kind heart, and left it to be a bottomless pit. love is a mistake, love is beautiful, you forget that everything beautiful comes to strangle vou in a very beautiful way, but never ends, but destroys.

via @thefacelessmanner / my heart is a void, i can’t handle the weight of love, it’s too heavy, and i am weak.

You say a word, and an apology is already on my tongue. I apologise for no reason in your eyes. My apology is not needed, and yet I am always apologetic. even when it’s not my fault. it’s not needed. You might not be mad at me, but in my eyes, you’re filled with rage, waiting for an apology. The 10 year old in me comes back every chance she gets. I’m sorry i can’t suppress her anymore, I’m sorry, and I’m sorry again.

You say a word, and an apology is already on my tongue.

I’m sorry, I can’t suppress the 10 year old in me that’s still terrified of so many things,

@thefacelessmanner

I don’t think you understand my greed to be loved. My greed to love. If there is one thing i’d give up my whole life for, is to be felt, to touch, to love, to be loved. You don’t understand the banished child in me. You do not understand the child in me that’s still yearning for a sweet caress filled with love in a room alone. you won’t understand, you won’t understand my greed to change the perspective of this yearning child in me.

My greed to be loved, comes with the accomplishment of loneliness. My 10 year old self, is still crying in me. via @thefacelessmanner

I had been feeling neutral, for a while now. My mind was still, my heart wasn’t pacing back and forth. If I weren’t sad I weren’t happy either. There were no emotions, but today, I feel a simple emotion, I feel sad. And today is the day I feel most alive.

to feel any emotion, is better than feeling none at all @thefacelessmanner

You know what you’ve done to me, you were here consciously just as much as i was. You caused me pain and i was here to feel it just as much. There is no denying the misery you put me through. I know you understand what amount of ache and stillness you caused me for a boost of ego, So I will not ask you to understand. I know you understand. But I don’t think that you have or that you will ever accept the pain you put me through. And there is absolutely nothing lonelier than your demeanour.

I know you understand the pain you made me go through, But I don’t think you’ll ever accept it. via @thefacelessmanner

how do you turn to someone

when you need it most?

It seems pathetic.

there is no cure for your misery, i feel apologetic.

there is no need to cure it still,

as it is your home,

you've been here for so so long,

your happiness is so far gone.

get comfortable in this mess,

as this is where you'll last

till your last breath.

The emptiness never leaves my body. Sometimes, it comes back as an aching pain and leaves my body sore. Somedays, it will linger around as a headache, it changes ways to hurt me, sometimes the pain will be too strong to handle, somedays it will be a sweetache, a stabbing feeling. Like pins and needles, Like my bones are too stiff, I might crumble. but I always exuse it as something minor. Because I am afraid to admit that it is indeed the emptiness in me that leaves my body aching. The feeling of loneliness, A deep webbed hole that I can’t seem to get out of, a pain that I can’t seem to get rid of. It will always linger around in my body as an ache. A never ending one. It has built a home in my body,

The Emptiness In Me. via @thefacelessmanner

there’s always going to be something about you. your voice. I can’t seem to recall your face too well at times, but the pain in your voice still ehoes from every door in my mind. is it something that aches in your heart? you sound just like me at times, when there is no other sound to run behind. i will always hear your voice in a crowded space, no matter if it’s an abandoned place. please say my name, like you own it, one word is all it takes.

The Pain In Your Voice. via @thefacelessmanner

The biggest misconception man could ever have is to look at life as though it’s hard. to look at something as though it’s hard to do. to achieve. to love. to accept. But once our kind understands that what is within is without, to understand that if it looks easy to you in your perspective, it always will be easy. We tend to complicate things because we believe that we don’t deserve certain things, and emotions. But there is no such thing as hard, or tough, or impossible. If you are living within, if you have mastered the art of living in your own body, if you know that there is a world you created in your mind, a world you love in your imagination, and accepting it as your world, as something you deserve, something kind, a life that fits you well. a life within you, your universe! you will feel alive. you will live. truly. fully. gently.

at the end of the day, you are the universe, and it is all about perspective. via @thefacelessmanner

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it’s okay to not be okay.