I'm flawed and I slipped, but I'm back on track
I admit that I have recently strayed and I am a flawed human being…but I will come back from this.
I joined two Optifast Support groups on Facebook when I first started, really excited to be around others taking the same steps and going through the same challenges as me. But it ended in ruin on both groups and it set me up for a catastrophic failure.
You may have noticed a small absence from me. This is because I have not been on track, I have felt like I had no support, like I couldn’t achieve or even look at my goals. My will power which was already so small was shattered, and my motivation which was so fragile gone with it.
After I joined I asked many questions to help me on my way. Like recipes. Were there any recipes? Had anyone made something that wasn’t stir fry? How do you overcome challenges like craving fast food? Has anyone used Optifast to become a vegetarian? I also offered support to those going through a rough time and was everyone’s “you can do it!” cheerleader, which is just part of my personality.
I brushed off the negativity at first, but I soon found it was so constant and overbearing that it was destroying the good feelings I was getting from participating. I started to notice cliques of women who posted as though they were elite, and many of them would word things in such a way that it honestly felt like they were sabotaging the newbies at times (for example all of them we’re posting about “falling off the wagon” and then at the same time were “losing so much weight!” constantly, posting pictures of KFC, McDonalds, and other fast foods without considering those going through the 3-day challenge, and more) or just generally looking down on them. It was like they were all trying to score points….but why? These women were successful! They were to be looked up to and looked at as examples – they had done Optifast for a very long time, or had finished and stuck around….but if one of them didn’t like you they all turned on you…and that’s what happened to me.
The first time I truly was affected by it was when I asked whether anyone had tried their shakes with fruit blended into it. I felt like that would be a delicious spin on a shake and wanted to know what combinations were tasty because I was too scared to experiment. I immediately got a response. I got several “You’re not allowed fruit on intensive!!!” posts (including exclamations) and one real reply which was essentially “I like mixed berries in my chocolate shakes! YUM!”
Now this upset me because the first 4 responses to my post just proved to me that I was, in fact, being targeted by these women. Maybe it was because they decided they were the Optifast Police, or maybe they decided they just didn’t like me. I don’t know. At no point did I say I was on intensive, in fact, the whole time I’ve been on transition (which is allowed fruit) and it’s not been a secret. There are heaps of people on the same plan as myself, and there are heaps of people on completely different plans ranging from full fasting with five shakes to replacing only one meal a day. So why is it that when I ask a question everyone jumps on me immediately?
Later I posted how I’d had veggies for dinner, and that I’d tried Bok Choy for the first time. I was excited and I loved it! My only responses were “You’re only allowed 2 cups!!” I never said how many cups I had used or posted a picture, so why was this even brought up?
I noticed that people were taking each other down left right and centre and somehow trying to score brownie points with the elite group. I posted a link and summary about a news report and article and some woman who replied to it negatively then went and copied parts of it and posted it herself all excited and positive like it was her own idea. I was irritated at first and then I just felt sad. It was at that time I knew it was time to go…but I did not at first. I guess a huge part of me needed support, or even the illusion of support which was what I was receiving.
I didn’t leave the group until after the scathing words and actions of its members had me in tears multiple times. Someone posted fast food pictures and I said I felt like it was a bit cruel to post them because newbies joined every day, going through the 3 day challenge (the hardest part and the point you’re most likely to cheat on) and many of us did not have strong willpowers and came to the group as a safe spot where we could be free from triggers like fast food. Immediately I was attacked. I was attacked so ruthlessly that three members I’d never even talked to before messaged me.
One message says “My heart goes out to you Lavender, I was never quite so attacked as you have been. You may have noticed I have left the group.”
Another says “So many times I could post stuff and I don’t. There are too many people who feel like they are queens and everyone loves them.”
Another says “I don’t know why you’ve been targeted but you need to get out of there before it really affects you”
Shortly afterwards I was banned. I still don’t know why, the admin won’t tell me…My only regret is that I didn’t get the chance to do it myself, she literally beat me by mere hours….but the damage was done and I slowly but surely found myself straying off track.
Without the illusion of support, and because I was so carelessly removed I felt completely worthless and hopeless. Was I not good enough to receive support too? Was I that hated? Was all the good I had brought to the group like ways to make things fun and tips and support not good enough? Was I not good enough? I took it completely personally and I don’t think I was wrong in doing that. I think it was personal. How could I not?
So it’s taken me a while to recover. For the last month or maybe a little bit more I’ve not been doing Optifast. I’ve been eating normal foods (admittedly lots of vegetables) and not focusing on weight loss or exercise or anything else except dealing with my internal struggles and getting past it. But I feel like I owe you all an explanation.
Over the past week I’ve been getting excited about this journey again and I will resume it this coming Sunday. I will post a new weight and start over. This time I am going to do things a little bit differently. I’m going to have a salad for lunch with some carrot and celery sticks instead of a shake. Additionally I will not be measuring my vegetables. I’m going to include a variety of fruit in my daily meals and avoid sugar that’s not natural (natural foods such as honey, fruit, etc are ok). When I have this more healthy approach down I will decide whether Optifast is for me. I feel that maybe if I cut the sugar out beforehand it won’t be so painful later. Also, I am going to be very tough on myself and make sure I do exercise every day.
So some things you can look out for from me:
– Healthy lunch and dinner ideas, recipes, and pics, likely Optifast friendly
– Healthy tips for weight loss and fitness
– Creative ways to serve and cook vegetables
– Creative ways to replace foods with healthier alternatives
– Reviews on current health foods
– “How much sugar is in that” photos
– Tonnes more!
UPDATE: New starting weight is 124.6kg.
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