The Heartfelt Journals

[theheartfeltjournals]

so I talked to my therapist

We’re on the same page, I think. She seemed to understand what I was saying pretty easily, although there’s a lot more we still have to go over (I’m seeing her again next week). 

It’s a lot to take in. She said what I’m describing is definitely a form of dissociation, something in me that’s trying to keep my mind safe. She said that based off of what I said, I probably have some sort of past trauma(s) that I’m not able to remember. 

It’s a weird weird feeling, knowing something severe happened to you but not knowing what. And I’m not particularly scared, just... curious. But then again, I guess I can’t remember it for a reason. Maybe it’s better if I don’t know. 

But either way, I feel good. She’s a great person and I feel safe talking with her about this, I know she understands. There’s still a lot to figure out, but this is a good start. 

[theheartfeltjournals]

mind update ig?

So i have a therapy appointment in two days, I’m gonna ask about what I talked about in the last post I made and see what happens. I love my therapist so much and I feel really safe there so I hope I learn something that helps. And, thank you to the people who’ve offered some help or insight. People’s minds are strange, it can be hard to navigate. 

[theheartfeltjournals]

help, do I have OSDD-1b?

idk if this will reach the people I hope it does but i’m just gonna put it out there and hope for some answers. 

When I was little, I’d hear internal voices in my head that didn’t feel or sound like me. I mentioned them to my parents and they took me to a child therapist who said the results were ‘inconclusive’ and that it was probably just the nature of being a child. 

Occasionally, I would feel pushed out of my body, like someone or something else I didn’t recognize was taking over control. And I would do things, usually aggressive things, I would never normally do. And when I’d ‘come too’ I wouldn’t really have amnesia but I’d be so distraught and conflicted because of how I’d acted and felt. 

As I got older (this was around 10, right after moving across the country), things started picking up a lot more. Not only would I sometimes feel out of control, but I’d get thoughts in my head that weren’t mine and that would often directly conflict with my own thoughts and ideals. 

Then I started to lose major gaps of time. I specifically remember one time where I went to sleep on friday and woke up the next day and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. Mom asked me if I had all my homework done for monday and I mentioned that it was saturday and I had time and she told me it was sunday, then proceeded to tell me about doing things with me the previous day that I had no recollection of. This started to happen more often, with me missing hours or full days. 

Then, I started waking up with red marks and scratches all over my body. I would play in the woods sometimes and get scratches or bruises that I didn’t notice, but this was different. They were all over my torso almost every morning. I started sleeping with a night light on all the time because I got so scared. 

One day when I was about 11, I was showering and felt ridges running vertically on my lower back. I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror to see a set of three bright red scars running across my back. I was so scared; I had never seen them before, never felt them before. They looked almost fresh, but I had no idea where they’d come from. 

I didn’t say anything to anyone for months, I didn’t want them to think I was crazy. But eventually, I showed my mom the scars. She was scared too; she had no idea how I could’ve gotten them, and had never seen them before either. We never figured it out and I hardly told anyone else, but for a long time I would never ever take my shirt off in front of other people because I didn’t want them asking questions. I still have the scars almost ten years later; they’re faded, but still there.

And after that, it all stopped for a while. I still felt the presence of something alien in my mind, still heard its thoughts, but I wasn’t losing time or getting scratches. 

So, time goes by. Another move happens, and I start to become more aware of this ‘side of me’ that lives in my head. I was terrified of it; I still am, to a degree. When I feel like myself, I’ll look in the mirror and talk with myself to make myself feel grounded; something about seeing myself saying positive things makes me feel good. But when it/them/he (idk what to call it) takes over, if I look in the mirror I’m terrified, because it doesn’t look like me. 

And when it takes over, it’s usually times i don’t feel safe, often emotionally. There’s a headachy feeling and a weird sort of throbbing and then I’m thrown backwards (metaphorically, not physically) and I lose control. I can see and hear and remember everything but I can’t decide what I’m doing or saying. The other me acts like the real me, and nobody hardly ever notices a difference. But it doesn’t feel or think like me, and while it’ll respond to my name like me... it doesn’t emotionally respond it. And sure, i guess it keeps me emotionally safe. But when I come back to being me, I feel disturbed and scared. I don’t know where I stop and it starts, and there’s this constant internal battle of what thoughts are mine and who i actually am. It can get exhausting. 

From what I understand, a lot, if not all, of this lines up with OSDD 1b. 2+ distinct states but no memory loss (anymore, at least). The only thing is, I know OSDD is caused by childhood trauma, which I don’t remember any of, but that’s also normal for trauma, right? I know I went through a few rough experiences as a child but I only know what other people have said about them. I’m seeing a Behavioral Cognitive Therapist right now for depression and mild anxiety and life stuff but do I ask her about this too? It’s confusing and complicated and Idk what to do about it. 

[theheartfeltjournals]

Hello tumblr. I'm back from my social media break. Life is good

[thepowerwithin]

Sometimes you have to be your own source of happiness. Cloudy days are only temporary, but that doesn’t mean they don’t occur.

@thepowerwithin (via thepowerwithin)

[theheartfeltjournals]

Living in an apathetic world is fucking hard.

[steampunktendencies]

Somewhere in Germany Photo by atu13

[bunlly]

[henretta84]

I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower, I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time.

Charles Bukowski (via henretta84)

[theheartfeltjournals]

Walls

Brick by brick, silent masterpiece that holds me safe within. 

My greatest testament to my example of a win. 

Because if no one can get inside, no one can harm me. If no one can harm me, no one will ever disarm me. 

My safety is all I ever wanted, voices in my mind kept my memories haunted, of times I opened the gate but sealed my fate. Too many words made a world of pain, each syllable spoken in vain. 

“When a gift given holds the very essence of your being, you’d best hope the other person will keep seeing clearly, or your own gift will be your downfall. You’ll be brought to your knees, forced to crawl.”

This is what the voices in my mind said, they said to trust in them instead of others who could be there, others who might just care. 

What I didn’t know at the time was that there were no voices; only me myself and I, backing away from anyone and everyone who’d ever tried to see inside. 

But when that realization came to me, I finally recognized the weight that I carried, that the walls I built rested on my shoulders alone and were slowly crushing me below. 

So I ran. I escaped from beneath the walls and though they called me back to safety time and time again, I found my truer friends. 

Still they stand, ever watching, waiting for me to slip back behind their confines and binds, hoping I’ll go back to my old ways. I but found a new day now, one where I can look around and see that I am found. 

Then I wake and realize it was all a dream, that my walls still bear over me, crushing me, but maybe someday soon, I can make my wish reality. 

[theheartfeltjournals]

Trust

I had a long, completely honest talk with a friend last night and opened up about so much. And it was the first time in a very long time that I didn’t regret it. Usually, after something like that, I leave hating myself for saying too much, but this wasn’t like that at all. 

He knew just enough that I was carrying enough stress to cause me to tell him. Trust and honesty is what scares me the most, so opening up to someone that much terrified me. And at first, I was terrified, just like that. My hands were shaking and I was doing my best to keep my voice steady. I started off really slow, trying to gauge how he was reacting, trying not to say too much, avoiding saying anything too conclusive because I was afraid of him treating me differently, even being afraid of me. 

But I didn’t need to be afraid at all. He didn’t judge me or look at me like I was crazy. He took me for face value, being kind and gentle all the while. And when I realized that, more and more started coming out, quicker and easier than I thought it would. 

But most importantly, I felt safe. When I left, I didn’t feel judged, and I wasn’t scared of what he’d think or what he’d do. And that was the most amazing feeling, because I can’t remember the last time I felt like that. 

[theheartfeltjournals]

I tell the truth in the hopes that my truth doesn’t offend yours. And I hope you’ll take me as I am. 

[cwote]

Everything heals. Your heart heals. Your mind heals. Wounds will heal. You may be sad right now, but your happiness will always come back. Bad times don’t last. 

[witchoria]

[stability]

[theheartfeltjournals]

I just... dunno what to do. I talked to the friends that are dating and I thought they understood, but apparently they don’t because things are just continuing almost exactly like they did before and I feel belittled and replaced. 

I’m trying to stay positive. There are good things happening, I love the snow, I’ve worked on a lot of awesome things with my music. 

But... idk. I felt like this at the beginning of the school year too, and then I got pretty sad for a couple weeks. Not depressed sad, just... really down about life. And I found my happiness again and held on to it, but now it’s starting to slip away again and I don’t know what to do about it. 

But I’ll figure it out. I’ll have to talk to them, and I know I can make things better. I just have to figure out how. 

[theheartfeltjournals]

I took winter break to starting telling everyone the things I’ve been too afraid too. And it’s been a wild rollercoaster. 

Honesty doens’t come naturally to me. But after a long talk with a friend at the beginning of break, I realized that I hurt myself far too much by spending so much energy keeping secrets and carrying their weight alone. 

Trust and honesty is what scares me the most. So much that before the talk with the friend, I wanted to bail and just get out. But I forced myself to open up. And after that, I talked to all the people I needed to.

I talked with both of the friends that are dating, although those conversations both need to be continued. And then I set up a time to talk to another friend about a secret he’s getting close too.

But I also need to be honest with myself. And the truth is, there are so many other truths I could’ve spoken that I didn’t. But there will be time for that later.