I'm a badass princess

obsessed with the Tarot Sequence, Black Sails and All for the Game

[froggiethelesbian]

I found a guide for a no tape, easy to unwrap wrapping tutorial to make Christmas a little more accessible, wish I just found it sooner

[dat-physics-gal]

Could i not have seen that before Christmas? Anyway, queueing this for next december to save a life.

[onceuponatimeinerebor]

This is how they wrap surgical sets before sterilizing them (in a cloth not paper...god I wosh the cloth is a pain in the ass) except when they tuck the last bit in, they fold it over so the end is poking out of the box (like a pull tab).

[writing-prompt-s]

”I’ll just get to the point; the dragon that terrorizes our farms isn’t evil, she’s lonely. Solve that and I’ll give you whatever you want within reason. Please.”

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

The knight paused in thought. “Alright, it's a tall order, but I don't mind a challenge.” He snapped his fingers. “Bring me a fireproof suit, all the olive oil you can find and five— no, make it six— bottles of whisky. Tomorrow I ride out to the dragon's lair alone, and NOBODY is to follow me.”

A few hours later, the villagers watched him riding off in his fireproof suit, his oil and whisky in a cart behind him.

“Do you think he's really going to…”

“Surely not.”

“I mean the oil…”

“At least he's considerate.”

“At least he needs whisky.”

For the rest of the day, the villagers went about their chores in the shadow of the mountain where the dragon made her lair, trying not to think about what might be happening up there. At one point there was a sudden rise of smoke, as if a great fire had been lit. Followed by a draconic roar.

At the end of the day, the knight rode down again. The cart was empty. His suit was blackened. He looked exhausted, and was sheened with sweat.

“Job done,” he said as he got down from his horse.

The villagers stared.

“Poor girl is barely out of her first shed. Poor thing. Never been in heat before, didn't know what to do.”

The villagers kept staring.

“Should be alright now.”

The head man of the village felt like he should probably say something. “Are you… are you alright?”

The knight looked down at his suit. “This? Oh yeah, she sent out a few warning shots. Didn't like me getting too close to her lair.”

“So you…” the head man's sentence was cut off by another roar, and the sound of wings flapping overhead. The villagers ducked as one, the knight simply looked up, grinning.

“Olive oil and whisky, never fails.” He looked around at their confused faces. “See, normally the female is meant to build a fire herself to draw the males to her. She produces an oil from her cheek glands that lets them know she's in heat. Burning olive oil and whisky mixed smells the same— at least to a dragon— so you can use it in a pinch.” He pointed upwards. “That'll be the male.”

The villagers were silent. The knight began to feel rather unnerved. “Hey, why are you all looking at me like that?”

[thehourglassthrone]

Oh how I sometimes miss the times when there was only horizontal scrolling in photos on this website.

Now every time I want to look through all pictures in an upload/reblog, I accidentally scroll down at least once. Annoying as hell.

[eurig-morgan-deactivated2017121]

Baby armadillo plays with his toy

[puppy95]

Are you fucking kidding me

[figpal]

i have never been happier 

[axolotlmage47]

@creatures-in-posts

[creatures-in-posts]

This creature is zoomin’

[thememedaddy]

[n09m19changsblog]

[augustdementhe]

There's no way I wouldn't use these skills to just CRIME.

[dancinbutterfly]

[official-german-puns]

Die Abstandswarner, Navigations- und Spurhaltesysteme in modernen Fahrzeugen sind genaugenommen Steuerberater.

[transfaguette]

man i totally forgot how weird people are about the “female orgasm.” like when I was younger i heard it talked about like an anomaly of science. and specifically people would ask shit like “what is the ‘evolutionary purpose’ of the ‘female orgasm’”. i dunno man its not hard to conclude that sex feeling awesome results in having more sex. but I guess that question seems more interesting if youre a fake intellectual and see men and women as different species and not made up of the same flesh and nerves. come on now.

[aroace-polyshow]

honestly i never thought the phrase “i want that twink obliterated” was like a sexual thing. like when i read the phrase i imagine “a meteor like the one that killed the dinosaurs is summoned from the heavens and hits the twink in question” type situation

[blanketfortarchitect]

I always pictured something like this

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

[jessaerys]

[listens to horrible news about our fascist world] [opens my little locket with a picture of flint in it] ohhh james do you have any words of comfort for me

captain flint: if no one remembers a time before there was an england then no one can imagine a time after it the empire survives in part because we believe its survival to be inevitable but it isn't and they know that that's why they're so terrified of you and i

[the-korova]

Harry Potter is trending at #1 on tumblr so I thought I’d take the opportunity to say fuck JKR, fuck transphobes, fuck her stupid books, her theme park, her endless landfill fodder merch slop, and her fucking castle on a hill. Read another book yall!! Read another book!!!!!!!

[going2hell4everythingbutbeingbi]

my greatest accomplishment in life is that I inadvertently made my friend break up with her shitty boyfriend by throwing her a really fucking awesome birthday party

[going2hell4everythingbutbeingbi]

okay so I fucking love event planning and decorating and hosting and baking, aka all the elements of a banger birthday party. I am so freaking happy to throw people parties because it means I get to throw a party, then go to a party! yippee!

so my friend's birthday rolled around and I knew she wanted a party because I'd done them for her before, but I wanted to make it extra special because she was turning the big 25. so I did all the regular stuff I am So Excited About: had her roommates let me into her apartment while she was out, put up balloons and homemade garlands and streamers and table decor, made her favorite cake and snack plates and cocktails, ordered catering from a restaurant she loves, got a bunch of our friends to come over to surprise her, wrote her a disgustingly heartfelt card, etc. and then because it was the big quarter century, I was like I gotta do something extra.

now. I do not like clowns. my friend loves clowns. we've gone to the circus together and she's seen me literally close my eyes and hide when the clowns are out in the audience, meanwhile she's screaming and waving at them. so obviously I hired a clown for her birthday. (btw seeing him out of clown costume made me less freaked out because now I knew that the guy under there looks like someone's uncle.)

so she showed up after work totally expecting a party because I'm too paranoid to throw a real surprise party, and obviously loved it. and then I was like btw. there's a clown.

she lost her mind. she was sooo excited. she loved the party and she loved the clown. I was like haha yes I'm getting a good grade in birthday parties and didn't think much of it because frankly I do this a lot, and it's so much fun for me that I don't consider it work. like, I love doing all that for my friends. it's not any kind of sacrifice.

two days later, she texted me that she broke up with her boyfriend.

naturally I was like omg tell me everything I hated that guy let's get coffee. so we did and she told me that for her birthday, her boyfriend of nine months 1) forgot about it and didn't get her anything, 2) got mad at her for not texting him while she was at her party, 3) got mad at her for telling him about the party because it was "passive aggressive", and 4) called her immature and stupid for being excited about a clown at her birthday.

this was all very in character for him. but she'd just come from a lovely birthday party full of her friends who love her and want to put effort into making a nice day for her, where her friend who hates clowns hired a clown just to make her happy even though the party alone would've been plenty. and suddenly this wasn't a boyfriend being kinda forgetful and lazy, it was a glaring incongruity with everyone else in her life. so she finally dumped his ass. and I was soooo freaking happy. so clowns can be good.

[impossiblepackage]

that relationship was already over, she didn’t even bring her boyfriend to her birthday party at her own apartment

[going2hell4everythingbutbeingbi]

actually it's worse than that! she knew there would be a party, but not what day. I invited her boyfriend to the party. he said no.

[arctic-hands]

[Image Description: comment by FuckBoyZuko that says in allcaps "tell the story please". end I.D]

op's username does not check out, is in fact heaven blessed

[lilu-the-horse]

when horses do the big doggie stretch and go allll the way down…

Yeag

[chestnut-horse]

can I add to this?

[lilu-the-horse]

absolutely you can

[horsefigureoftheday]

If I may add

And let's not forget about

[quietwingsinthesky]

did i tell you guys i failed at being sexually harassed at work today?

[quietwingsinthesky]

okay so, guy at work, who i find out afterwards is famous at this place for being a sex pest, comes up and starts with what i also learn is his favorite opener to conversations where he’s going to be a sex pest, namely: “Do you know where the term ‘blow job’ comes from?”

and here he made his first fatal error. his moment of hubristic sex pesting. because of course i know where the term blow job comes from, i love learning about sex and the history of sexual terms! i know so much about oral sex that i could write a book on it!

his second error: approaching a little autistic freak with what he intended to be an uncomfortable sex question that would make me feel weird and gross. Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I Have Never Misjudged A Man’s Intentions So Incredibly In My Life. because i did not realize he was trying to harass me. because i love talking about sex facts, albeit not usually at work. unless. someone prompts me. my coworkers are the kind of people who are generally online enough to know terms, but not exactly what they mean, and they realized they could ask me a while back and get good answers without the resulting awkwardness because i do not experience shame. i am primed to answer questions like the one he has proposed.

So I Answered It.

and well, really, what happened is that I began answering it, then realized the answer required a bit more context. I mean, you can’t just say “oh, well, the term first appears in writing in the 1940s” without first explaining that ‘blow’ by itself already had sexual connotations for centuries, and then, really, are we talking about the origin of the term or the origin of the act. and well we have a ton of literature and art depicting fellatio throughout human history, did you know a lot of it was men performing it on other men? oh, that reminds me, there are a multitude of latin words for oral sex performed on penises, and hold on let me quote you the entirety of catullus 16 from memory and explain it’s fascinating insights into the roman world of homosexuality-

i do not know how to turn any of this ^ off, by the way. i’m sure some people out there have a switch that disables their infodumping mid-speech. i do not. and i also didn’t realize he wasn’t looking for a real answer until my other coworker explained so hours later. he could not excuse himself from the conversation he started, and i made a conservative man at least 30 years older than me to listen to my catullus recitation. i will sodomize and facefuck you, indeed.

anyway, i think i got a bad grade in being sexually harassed. my pro tip is maybe don’t start with what a very autistic individual will misconstrue as you earnestly asking them to explain sex to you. the special interest shield will cause splashback damage.

[molive-0]

There are many benefits to being a marine biologist

[baddywronglegs]

By this point Loch Ness is probably the inland body of water we can be most sure doesn't have a monster in it.

[my-insanity-is-an-artform]

But what if there IS one?

Better scan it again just to be sure.

[serpentstones-blog1]

i literally cannot convey how long i fucking laughed after i realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob

[serpentstones-blog1]

i really hope that this does not end up being the text post that defines my entire tumblr career