The Infinite Monkey Theorem

[naked-yogi]

As a society, we need to stop assuming that everyone enjoys drinking alcohol.

[naked-yogi]

Lmao @ people who think I’m ridiculous for this post. I’m defensive because alcoholism is a huge issue. Everywhere in the world. Not to mention, I know it’s hard for some of you fucks to believe because of how widely accepted alcohol is, but there are a HUGE amount of people who have personal issues with alcohol. Either being recovering or previous alcoholics themselves, having a close personal tie with someone who abused alcohol, growing up in an unstable alcoholic household, having DEEPLY EMBEDDED family or spouse issues ALL because of alcohol. FUCK OFF with your me being so offended bullshit. Just assume people are sober till you find out on **their** terms they aren’t. Don’t expect that everyone likes to drink. Just like you wouldn’t expect that everyone likes to smoke cannabis, why would you do it with alcohol? (That’s rhetorical, it’s obviously because basically everyone assumes the entire world enjoys drinking). It’s not hard. Don’t offer people drinks unless you know they drink. BYE.

[paralol]

My favorite response when I tell people im straight edge is “what? You’ll never drink ever? Not one drink? I don’t believe you.” And they’ll laugh And I’ll look them straight in their fucking eye and tell them both my parents, and my aunt are recovering alcoholics. The rest of my family? Has never tried, nor ever got the chance to recover from their addiction. It’s by some miracle my mother is alive right now because she drank so much her liver stopped working. She was in a coma for two weeks. The doctors almost gave up on her. My dad was an abusive drunk and then turned to hard drugs and that certainly didn’t help anything. My 3 younger sisters and I were almost put into foster care because of the both of them. I was only about 14 at the time. Making my youngest sister, 7. And because of all of this my family went bankrupt and we were almost homeless. All because of drinking :)

That usually shuts them up real fucking fast but, I shouldn’t have to explain that to anyone. I shouldn’t have to defend my (perfectly healthy!) choices!

If someone tells you they don’t drink, it’s for a fucking reason. Don’t be a dick. Casual alcoholism is a huge fucking problem in the world and its scary that most people can’t see it.

[briwhosaysni]

Also, some people just… don’t like drinking. There are people out there who just genuinely do not enjoy drinking alcohol. They don’t like the taste, they don’t like being impaired, and they have no desire to try to force themselves into enjoying it just because someone else thinks it’s “weird”.

There are all kinds of reasons that someone might not choose to drink, and all of those reasons are valid. There’s nothing wrong with it, it doesn’t mean they “can’t have fun”, and I guarantee you they’re not judging you for drinking. And if they are? It’s definitely not as much as they’re being judged for not drinking.

Don’t try to force people to drink. Don’t assume everyone likes to drink. And if someone says they don’t drink? Don’t force them to explain why just to get you to stop hounding them.

[bigmouthlass]

There are plenty of reasons to avoid booze and the particulars of someone’s reasons are none of your business. Nobody deserves to catch crap because they don’t imbibe.

[butch-ragh-barkrock]

Just as an aside this also counts for people who do drink but for whatever reason don’t want to at the time.

I do drink but I don’t very often and this is due to the fact that every now and again I get what can only be described as an allergic reaction to alcohol. My face goes all red and my chest feels like it’s collapsing in on itself and I’m just sat there then in pain (or at the very least discomfort) trying not to let it show because I don’t want to ruin everyone else’s good time. Which ducks for everyone involved (but mostly me).

[phdintvwatching]

Parks and Rec gets real. 

[beshertolockthedoor-blog]

Parks and Rec is always real.

[ithelpstodream]

[gayforglobalhealth]

#marchforscience

[katana-wielding-bookworm]

I want Terry Crews and Vin Diesel to do a buddy cop movie where they are both secret nerds but they don’t want the other to know. Like Vin Diesel plays D & D on weekends and Terry likes to create epic crossover fan art. Somehow they have to work undercover at Comic Con and for what ever reason I need Daniel Radcliffe to be the villain. 

[rizaoftheowls]

I’d like to add: not a character played by Dan Radcliffe. Dan Radcliffe, appearing as himself.

[dragontatoes]

no, no wait… I want Elijah Wood to play Daniel Radcliffe.

[deathchic]

Elijah Wood plays Daniel Radcliffe and his evil sidekick is Elijah Wood played by Daniel Radcliffe

[fuks]

[theotherwesley]

The temperature: *achieves 80 degrees* 

Washingtonians: WE BEGIN THE WAILING CHORUS AT DAWN

[aquaxlad]

Some of the very positive reactions from the critics and other people like Marc Andreyko who have seen Wonder Woman 🎉🎉🙌🏻 I’m yet to see a single negative reaction.

[thorffour-deactivated20190920]

pls watch brooklyn nine nine

[arrghigiveup]

Excuse me while I die of laughter

[theweirdwideweb]

[profoundlynoisyheart]

I think my favorite part of b99 is watching Stephanie Beatriz try not to laugh at Andy samberg being ridiculous

[tastefullyoffensive]

“Not use collective punishment as it is not fair on the many people who did nothing and under the 1949 Geneva Conventions it is a war crime.”

[gallusrostromegalus]

You Can’t Find My House

I just got off the phone with mom, and we came to the realization that my family has lived in a series of unplottable houses for a couple generations now.

-The First Unplottable House is on my dad’s side of the family, in Delphi, Iowa.  The directions to it are the stuff of Buried Treasure:  Turn off the county road with a fraction in it’s name, to the Named Dirt Road, then turn at The Discount Eggs Sign on to the Unnamed dirt road that takes a meandering path THROUGH a corn field, DO NOT take any forks on that road or the farmer will shoot your ass, then take the paved road that dead-ends on ALL the way to the end- No, farther, the road keeps going it’s not a cliff-The only indication that You Have Arrived At The Correct Driveway is that a fat gray pony will charge the car, screaming, then escort you the rest of the way there.

It’s on the side of an enormous river, they’ve owned the property since 1911, and that’s the ONLY route there.

-The Second Unplottable house is in Bedford, Ohio and belonged to my mother’s parents.  It’s at the corner of two side-streets, right across from the tiny Italian grocery store.  Due to strange development decisions, the house is about 30 feet above street level and rendered invisible by a chestnut tree so majestic Hyao Myazaki would probably put it in a movie.  The driveway, however, is VERY visible from any of the surrounding houses, the grocer, or the street.  

At least in theory and old photos, becuase if you actually GO there,  your eyes slide right past it to the neighbor’s lillac bush, or to the retro neons of the grocery store or up the Chestnut tree.  it is literally HARD to look at that driveway, all the world around it wants to pull you away.

-The Third Unplottable house is in Salinas, CA, home of my paternal grandparents.  It is the single most BORING house possible- like, if you were to ask a third-grader to draw a prototypical house, they would draw my grandparent’s house.  Utterly Unremarkable. 

Except for the part where my Grandfather, spurred by his success with the “non-fruiting” peach tree, decided to plant a California Redwood Tree, and it grew to approximately 150 feet over the course of a few short decades.  It is the tallest damn thing for miles around, and SOMEHOW deliveries keep being missed, mail is delivered to the neighbors, and any non-blood family that tried to visit would end up on the other side of town.

-The Fourth Unplottable House was the one I grew up in CA.  The Directions to it are as follows:  It’s the Bright Orange house Right Across From The School.  You know, the one with six flamingos and the Volunteer Avacado Tree.

SOMEHOW, we got everyone’s mail but OURS (we still wonder about the letter from Fort Knox for Mr. Thomas Saxophone), the other kids got lost trying to visit and ended up in Mr.Phan’s yard on the other end of the block.  Officer Brown, Mom and Dad’s friend, who had GPS back in the early 90′s becuase silicon valley, regularly got lost looking for our place.  The Flamingos did nothing.

-My parent’s current house is the second house on the right  after two right turns off the state highway that runs through town.  Sounds easy, right?  

Except that due to a couple small trees and a bend in the road, the house is invisible from the road.  I have to stand out in the road if i want my pizza delivered.  The Mailman is the only person who could reliably find the box, but he drives a subaru that’s older than my sister from the passenger side by leaning over, and delivers mail based on the aztec lunar calendar, so he’s probably not actually human.  I tried to host a party, tied rainbow balloons to the mailbox, and all nine friends had to be waved in from the street.

-My current apartment building Does Not Exist, according to my Bank, medicaid, Google, and City Hall which was a bit exciting when I first moved in and had to call everyone that yes, I was sitting in a building that really exists.   

Unless it’s my classmates, becuase they can apparently come to parties I don’t host. This Friday I had a friend telling me she had a great time at my place last Teusday… when I was home alone.  She assures me that I held a houseparty with “Those polish things you make” (I make great mini klatchky, but haven’t served them to her) and that “You were definitely there, we talked about Carvaggio and you drive me home”

[starshapes]

The only thing that offers any explanation is that you were drunk at the anecdote about your recent house party 🎉 nothing else is explainable

[gallusrostromegalus]

I’m deathly allergic to alcohol, and was definitely at home alone, emailing a former professor about werewolves.  Got the chatlog and everything.

Guliya’s roommate recalls me dropping her off at the dorms, which is really peculiar.  Another classmate, Jeff, was at the party with Guliya, and they thought it was my place too.  Jeff is a jackass and I’d never invite him to my place.

God, I hope I don’t have another doppelganger.

[suddenlyintokpop]

… /another/ doppelganger???

[gallusrostromegalus]

The year is 2014, October.  I have the beginnings of what will prove to be a rotten cold, and I decide to take the precaution of getting an enormous bowl of Pho from my local Vietnamese place in hopes of staving off another respiratory infection.

No sooner do I set foot in the door, and Mrs. Nguyen snaps up and shrieks YOU!!  and I am much distressed and confused, because I adore Mrs. Nguyen.  She kept My Intended alive last passover when the cafeteria covered literally everything in flour.

She insists that some time in august I had dined with a large group of friends and then skipped out on a $200 dollar tab.  This is even more distressing and also impossible, as I had been in Oregon at the time, and only have like 3 IRL friends.  She is livid, and absolutely insistent that it was me, and that I pay the tab or she’ll call the police.  Being very distressed and not eager to have a panic attack in front of police, I pay up $216.87 and am banned forever.  I go home in tears, without my Pho and am very sick for a fortnight.

Two months later, it’s Polish Butter Christmas, and I locate the source of my woes.

Polish Butter Christmas is the invention of my Intended’s friend/domesticated internet troll, where everyone deemed a friend or at least interesting party diversion is invited to their house and we all consume massive amounts of Traditional Polish Cooking, which is about 60% butter by weight.  everyone eats way too much, most people also get shitfaced and i usually end up on the floor playing with 4-6 corgis, depending on who’s invited that year.  in 2014, it was all six of them, rustling under the table like a pack of obese furry sausages.  

Among the guests invited are myself, my Intended, The Troll’s girlfriend, and her friend.  The latter is 5′2″, whiter than mayonnaise, with bright purple hair and green glasses.  I also am 5′2″, glow under black lights, had bright purple hair and still have green glasses.  We learn furthermore, that we have the same first name and live on the same side of town.  This is laughed off as Most Amusing, at first.

The celebration goes on, and I become steadily less amused as I learn that Not-Me is a BITCH.  Racist jokes, yelling at the dogs to make them cower becuase “They look so funny!”, and generally abrasive and cruel.  Everyone is uncomfortable and Troll confides quietly to me in the kitchen that she is not invited next year, but needs an excuse to throw her out, or his dad will have a fit.  Troll’s family is as much a gang of cryptids as mine, and cannot go around Un-Inviting people without Due Cause.  So we agree to suffer quietly and laugh about it next year.

Eventually, the conversation turns to “Youthful Shenanigans”, and while most people have the sense to tell stories where they did something dumb but not actually illegal, Not-Me recounts with utter glee “That time me and my hoes dine-and-dashed that one chink place hahaha”

I suddenly put two and two together and realize that This Bitch Has Personally Wronged Me.

“You CUNT.” I tell her, furious at the realization ad the fact that she’s been steadily ruining Polish Butter Christmas for the last three hours. “Mrs. Nguyen thinks I did that! I HAD TO PAY THE TAB!”

“Oh, uh my bad, haha…” She laughed awkwardly.

“HA. YES. FUNNY. WE ARE GOING TO THE PLACE, YOU ARE APOLOGIZING TO MRS. NGUYEN AND PAYING ME BACK YOU INSUFFERABLE BITCH.”  I yelled, grabbing her arm and dragging her towards the door, Corgis yapping excitedly at our ankles.

“Whaa?  No!  fuck you!”  She said, winching her arm out of my grip and doing an amazing four-inch-heel-sprint for the bathroom, locking herself in.  

She has made a rather serious error in the Troll is both 1. a 6′6″ Sasquatch of a man, and 2. TOTALLY WILLING to take a crowbar to the bathroom window he’d been planning on renovating anyway, esp if it mean he gets to haul a bitch out and toss her into the back of the minivan with the three least-obese corgis, so that we may drive her, sobbing about injustice the whole way.

Nothing in my life will ever be so satisfying as dragging Not-Me into Pho 67, and seeing the look of horror and recognition cross Mrs. Nguyen’s face as she realized what had happened, then having Not-Me withdraw the money from the ATM at the front.

We then returned to Polish Butter Christmas and had a splendid time feeding buttered pork to the corgis.

But you see why I am loathe to deal with another one.

[threezoz]

holy fuck biscuits what even is your life

[kaijutegu]

somebody save me from bad TV biology

[kaijutegu]

melanosuchus niger, the only extant melanosuchus species, does not live in florida

This show is set in Florida. How can you be a herpetologist in Florida and NOT know an alligator tooth on sight? Answer: you can’t and this is the worst herpetologist in Florida.

[kaijutegu]

what the shit dude, the last word out of your mouth was a genus

and if you can’t get the phylum from a tooth, we are going to have a problem. (hint fucking hint: only one phylum has teeth)

[kaijutegu]

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T EVEN IDENTIFY THE PHYLUM IT’S FROM

[kaijutegu]

THAT’S NOT HOW BLOOD WORKS

YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GET THAT INFORMATION FROM BLOOD

[kaijutegu]

neither alligators nor caimans have color-based sexual dimorphism 

also the caiman thing turned out to be a plot point, sort of- and then this happened

if that animal is a caiman, it’s an invasive species and if you were half the biologist this show pretends you are, you’d know that.

[kaijutegu]

Caiman latirostris and Melanosuchus niger aren’t synonyms. They don’t even have an overlapping range. Pick an animal this isn’t and stick with it.

NO. STOP. STOP TRYING TO GIVE US SCIENCE FACTS ABOUT ALLIGATORS.

[kaijutegu]

you dense motherfucker

sources: http://www.sun-sentinel.com/local/broward/sfl-cgatorscience14xaug14-story.html

http://www.nature.com/nri/journal/v8/n5/full/nri2333.html

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/04/080407-alligator-blood_2.html

https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn27059-germ-killing-molecules-identified-in-alligator-blood/

https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2008-04/acs-abm031108.php

[kaijutegu]

those are fucking rubber speckled trout from the prop department, they don’t even begin to look like the fish you’re describing. 

[kaijutegu]

science: 0 rowdy 12-year-old: 1

checkmate atheists

[kaijutegu]

ok that first episode was a train wreck, what’s the next one about?

oh fuck. 

[sashayed]

ok well “The Lure” sounds like a literally perfect movie

[fakenewsjunkie]

[problematicselfie-deactivated20]

This is an enormous chain and I’m sorry, but I need to say this:

The laws in the Old Testament were set forth by god as the rules the Hebrews needed to follow in order to be righteous, to atone for the sin of Adam and Eve and to be able to get into Heaven. That is also why they were required to make sacrifices, because it was part of the appeasement for Original Sin.

According to Christian theology, when Jesus came from Heaven, it was for the express purpose of sacrificing himself on the cross so that our sins may be forgiven. His sacrifice was supposed to be the ultimate act that would free us from the former laws and regulations and allow us to enter Heaven by acting in his image. That is why he said “it is finished” when he died on the cross. That is why Christians don’t have to circumcise their sons (god’s covenant with Jacob), that is why they don’t have to perform animal sacrifice, or grow out their forelocks, or follow any of the other laws of Leviticus.

When you quote Leviticus as god’s law and say they are rules we must follow because they are what god or Jesus wants us to do, what you are really saying, as a Christian, is that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross was invalid. He died in vain because you believe we are still beholden to the old laws. That is what you, a self-professed good Christian, are saying to your god and his son, that their plan for your salvation wasn’t good enough for you.

So maybe actually read the thing before you start quoting it, because the implications of your actions go a lot deeper than you think.

[mediapathic]

This is a theological point that doesn’t come up often enough.

[bertann]

Wonder Woman Needs Our Help

I don’t normally make posts like this, but I feel like this is something I need to do because it’s bigger than myself. So, I don’t know if you’ve heard but the Wonder Woman film comes out June 2nd… And if you didn’t know that, there’s a reason for it. Warner Brothers aren’t spending money on promoting the Wonder Woman film. No tv promotions, billboards, nothing. A film about a strong, powerful, amazing woman superhero directed by Patty Jenkins who happens to be the first woman to direct a superhero film with a female protagonist and one of only a handful (a literal handful… you can count on one hand) to direct a superhero film at all. They are setting it up to fail so they can say “I told you so” and not only continue the blatant sexism in the film industry but blame it on Patty if the movie fails, setting female directors up (whom are already told they won’t get hired) so they can have an excuse to say “Oh well, we tried hiring a woman to direct a film and it didn’t work. Lets not do that again.” This film is bigger than just being a superhero movie… It has the ability to bust open the glass ceiling of Hollywood to tell them that yes, superhero movies about women do well and yes, women can not only direct blockbusters but they can do it well. Because I can guarantee you, Patty does it well. PLEASE spread this around and let Warner Brothers know we aren’t going to stand for this bullshit. GO SEE WONDER WOMAN JUNE 2nd!!!

[megumilovesyou-deactivated20180]

This is a called a glass cliff (when men put women in positions of power + set them up to fail). I hope it doesn’t work this time!

[emeraldfox11-deactivated2024010]

An article that highlights the budget differences between super hero movies, such as super man, in comparison to wonder Woman’s : https://filmschoolrejects.com/we-need-to-talk-about-that-wonder-woman-budget-ef4b1b70f6d8/

[bertann]

[fantastic-pizza]

Some articles talking about exactly this:

http://uproxx.com/hitfix/wonder-woman-no-promotion/2/

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/04/wonder-woman-marketing

http://www.vogue.com/article/wonder-woman-gal-gadot-bad-marketing-promotion

[mindless-insight]

Oh my God! I literally had no idea until this post! And I love Wonder Woman!!!!

[colouredcages]

I’ve seen a couple trailers and even I kinda want to see it! I don’t even like superhero movies, but wonder woman looks cool!!!