theklynnsmith

Be proud to be weird. No basic bitch can stand toe to toe with you.

[nootdraws]

My WIFE (ao3) has been SHOT (is down for maintenance) and is DEAD FOREVER (probably will be back up in a few hours)

[thecalloffantasy]

Why Humans Are Adorable, According to Every Alien Species Ever: Reason 9

They’re social sleepers.

They love falling asleep next to others. Pile naps. Couch naps. Shoulder naps. Sharing blankets like it's a survival tactic. Even their babies sleep in packs.

Aliens are scandalised by the lack of boundaries and obsessed with the comfort levels.

[thecalloffantasy]

Why Humans are Adorable, According to Every Alien Ever: Reason 4

They’re not amphibious, but they love water.

They’ll bathe in it, sit in it, throw it at each other for fun, and even create leisure structures (called “pools”) to play in it. They sing in the water. They cry in the water.

Aliens are baffled and concerned.

[thecalloffantasy]

Why Humans Are Adorable, According to Every Alien Species Ever: Reason 5

They are not cold-blooded, but they sunbathe like reptiles.

You’ll find them stretched out on rocks, patios, decks—eyes closed, smiling like a lizard in a heat lamp.

And gods help you if you block their sun. They hiss.

[thedemonofcat]

Long ago, Jaskier stumbled upon the fabled Fountain of Youth—but entirely by accident. He’d been stabbed and left for dead, his body tossed into what his attacker assumed was an ordinary pool of water.

But the water seeped into his wounds, and within hours, Jaskier was whole again. The fountain’s magic mingled with his blood, granting him immortality.

Now, with the waters of eternal youth coursing through his veins, Jaskier carries a secret far greater than he ever intended. His blood heals, his body never ages—and Geralt lives in constant worry that someone, someday, will discover the truth.

[imimmortal4-deactivated20170713]

[charlesoberonn]

This post today is more than twice as old as Tumblr itself was when this post was originally made.

[purr-in-ink]

🐈‍⬛🤍

[ihobbit]

After Thorin looked at the Lonely Mountain and said ‘our home’ Bilbo never spoke of missing Bag End again. Priorities are set. OUR home.

[ihobbit]

Dinner in Rivendell. 

Elrond: *looks at Thorin and then softly speaks to Gandalf* before you get yourself a hobbit, you need to know if you can feed him. Perhaps it would be better for Bilbo to stay here?

Thorin: *hears this and loses his temper instantly* squad, we're leaving immediately.

[stevviefox]

Also a probable factor.

[asparklethatisblue]

In which Thorin seems to have a hard time looking away from Bilbo, and only does so in the last possible moment

[ihobbit]

Thorin: *passionate and dramatic* Why don't you tell me that you love me anymore? 

Bilbo: *calmly, without being distracted from watering the tomatoes* I said it once. If something changes, I'll let you know.

[chaostwinsofdestruction]

The fact that the last thing Thorin saw before losing consciousness in the first movie is *cough* his *cough* master burglar quite literally throwing himself against orcs to defend him. THE ANGST 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

Bilbo was ready to risk his life for Thorin. No questions asked. 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

And Thorin's first words being "The Halfling" because he thought Bilbo was hurt or worse dead. 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

And then we get that speech 'n hug ... 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

[pyropixiesposts]

[frankensteinsmonst3r]

Nori, angrily: You know what I’m going to say it!

Dwalin, angrily: Go ahead dipshit!

Nori, angrily: You are fucking hot and a joy to be around!

Dwalin, angrily: You know what dumbass? You are too! You’re a worthless pice of shit but fuck I want to wake up next to you everyday!

Nori, angrily: You sure about that!

Dwalin, angrily: More than anything, asshole!

Nori: I’ll pick you up at 6, smartass!

Dwalin, angrily: Fine! But if you are picking me up I’m paying for dinner, dipshit!

Nori, angrily: Fine! *stomps away*

Balin:

Ori:

Dori: I should be happy but I’m deeply concerned

[theklynnsmith]

Bilbo: I thought that is how all dwarves flirt. I mean that is how it is with you with -

Dori red: we won’t be talking about that Master Baggins

Ori shocked face: is that why you were gone last night

[melissshit]

Ori: Master Bilbo, can I ask you something?

Bilbo: Why yes of course dear.

Ori: Is Master Frodo your and King’s son?

Bilbo:

Bilbo: Did your husband put you up for this because I forbade him from asking it again?

Ori: Yes…

Bilbo: Yes, tell him to go fuck himself Ori and that Frodo is my NEPHEW. I CAN’T GET PREGNANT!

[theklynnsmith]

Gandalf in the corner: what about

Bilbo: we aren’t talking about that.

Gandalf: Bilbo I do believe that your husband would be interested in

Bilbo: I said we aren’t talking about that and that is final. Now if you excuse me I’ll be talking to my husband and cousin in law.

Gandalf: Master Ori, I strongly recommend that you encourage your king to write to Bingo Baggins and old Took. Ask them about good rich soil

[valtsv]

it fucks me up that tolkien only died in 1973. dude has the vibe of a victorian scholar who wrote all his manuscripts by candlelight but then you look him up and realise that he knew what color tv was. what the fuck.

[tiwaztyrsfist]

Tolkien had personal beef with the Beatles

[solepunk]

He actively encouraged Led Zeppelin to write songs based on the LOTR series and considered it an honor

[sillymarillion-comics]

[luccorvus]

When the current queen of Denmark was young, she made illustrations for his books and sent them to him under a pseudonym. He liked them and they were printed in the Danish version of the book.

[kaispeakshermind]

WHAT

[rcjackie]

cultural misunderstandings fic idea/headcanons/word dump for bagginshield bc they have consumed my brain

!!!cw for swearing!!!

I find it HILARIOUS when no one else is down bad for Bilbo like Thorin is. combine that with cultural misunderstandings and you have the perfect rom com

and its not like Bilbo is some dwarven beauty who is handsome by hobbit standards but gorgeous by dwarf standards. it’s just that, while the rest of the company see Bilbo as just Some Guy, not particularly outstanding in the looks department but definitely not unattractive either—Thorin is simply built different

for some reason Thorin sees Bilbo, with his honey colored hair and his upturned nose and his fiery attitude, and promptly loses his grip on reality.

That’s right: Thorin “I’ll be single for the rest of my life, I already have heirs” Oakenshield’s ability to feel romantic attraction suddenly kicks into gear after 195 years of lying dormant because this is the most beautiful creature he’s ever laid eyes on

And applying this to the scene where they first meet is hilarious because what do you MEAN Thorin was already clocking Bilbo as a threat to his quest because of his very apparent beauty

forget about canon, Thorin actually didn’t like Bilbo at first because he thought the super duper attractive boyfriend shaped creature popping up out of nowhere was just another case of his horrible Durin bad luck acting up again. like okay Gandalf what kind of game are you playing at, inviting this clearly soft and incredibly fair hobbit along on our dangerous quest. we can’t afford distractions right now

like imagine they’re a few months into the quest. Bilbo is sitting on a rock, combing his hair out in the sunlight, already having taken off his coat and vest because it’s hot as hell outside. he’s left in his cotton undershirt, which is partially see through because of a combination of light and sweat

none of the other dwarves give a shit, they’re perfectly used to nudity and bathing near others, and Bilbo is by far the most modest and self-conscious of them when it comes to showing skin

But of course, from Thorin’s pov it’s like watching a beautiful forest nymph bathe in the river. mythical creature meant to seduce you type beat

in his eyes Bilbo is bathing in the glow of the sunset, combing through strands of molten gold while exposing a scandalous amount of skin (cough his collarbone cough). AND Thorin can see the tan of his skin through his shirt. and he immediately thinks that this has to be the work of purposeful seduction. Bilbo wants to ensnare a dwarf for a husband by the end of the journey and he’s being painfully obvious about it. how dare he do this in front of people that aren’t Thorin

which is consequently why Thorin is hiding behind a rock as he watches, trying to make sure no one else is seeing what he’s seeing and scaring off anyone that comes close with a well timed glare. and he’s also trying not to come off as a creep because he’s been staring for a bit too long, and the last thing he wants is to scare Bilbo off

but then Bilbo starts humming a jaunty little tune and braiding his hair, as it’s gotten long over the course of the journey and he’s picked up some useful things from the company when it comes to grooming.

Thorin thinks he might actually pass out because Bilbo looks like he just popped out of a dwarven wet dream, singing and looking all shiny n shit

by the end of the night, Thorin’s sitting there with his head in his hands thinking “I must destroy him and his majestic allure. or make him my wife. I can’t believe those are my ONLY two options”

and would you believe it, their dynamic continues like that for the whole journey.

Dwalin and Balin are the first ones to pick up on Thorin’s plight, being his best and oldest friends—but they both have very, very different reactions to it.

Balin doesn’t indulge Thorin because he knows that Bilbo is a hobbit, and a very sheltered one at that. he realizes that their burglar most likely isn’t aware of the inherent intimacy of touching a dwarf’s hair, or braiding, or anything Bilbo has offered to do during their quest. in fact, he’s absolutely sure that absolutely none of the courting rituals Bilbo has performed were intentional, and were in fact blindly stumbled into.

Dwalin, however, is totally supportive of Thorin’s bullshit because Dwalin is the exact opposite of his brother when it comes to subtlety, and he is also physically unable to consider any conceptual alternative to whatever is plainly happening in front of him. he trusts his eyes and his eyes are telling him that Bilbo Baggins is a skilled temptress with designs on his king

Thorin, being delusional: Dwalin I’m being seduced and I think I’m losing

Dwalin, an enabler: I’ve never seen such blatant, shameless flirting in my life. brother he REALLY wants you

Thorin: FUCKING RIGHT?

Balin, staring in confusion because Bilbo literally just took a moment to pluck some leaves out of Thorin’s hair: No????

Balin tries—he really tries—to nudge Thorin in the right direction, to get his king to realize that Bilbo, in fact, is not doing all these borderline courting rituals on purpose. then again, he is an old dwarf and the whole situation is extremely entertaining, and he’s always had a mischievous streak in him. which turns him into yet another enabler—and at the end of the day, he doesn’t correct Thorin on his assumptions. sometimes he actively tries to make them worse, just for the hell of it, because if anyone deserves to have a little fun messing around with Thorin Oakenshield it’s Balin

Balin, teasing: ohohoho, wasn’t it nice of Bilbo to help Bofur rinse the dirt out of his clothes?

Thorin, clearly devastated: this is unacceptable

Thorin: he is doing it on purpose to invoke my jealously. I am ashamed to say it has worked

Balin:….

Thorin: he is a s i r e n

Balin:…….

Thorin: and I’m about to jump into the ocean

and that’s how it is until they reach Erebor. Thorin is constantly like “Hmm yes. Bilbo is a temptation, another obstacle meant to stray me from the path I must take” and everybody else is like what the actual FUCK are you talking about. are we seeing the same person. all of this melodramatic resistance to temptation happens in Thorin’s mind, and only because he can’t admit that he has a crush like a normal person.

Thorin can’t stop acting like a sailor lost at sea, doomed to be devoured by the beautiful creature he covets, and after a few months of watching that every day the entire company is just. completely done

and of course bad boy bachelor Bilbo Baggins, resident single handsome rich man in the Shire, notices the staring. obviously he asks Thorin what his problem is and Thorin panics and mutters something about Bilbo “using his looks to his advantage” and stalks off in a huff. Bilbo is very surprised to learn he’s that attractive by dwarf standards. because he doesn’t know that he’s not and that Thorin is just a special case. fuck secretive dwarves customs am I right?

the absolute worst part of this situation is that Bilbo is actually flirting and has been trying to seduce Thorin for months, but specifically by hobbit standards. all of his efforts have absolutely no effect because what hobbits consider courting is just normal, friendly dwarf behavior. It’s the stuff he doesn’t mean to do that drives Thorin up the wall.

Balin, however, being the member of the company with more than one brain cell, is the only one who sees this. and he’s very tired

Balin: Bilbo. Are you flirting with Thorin

Bilbo, flushing: well, I did feed him a strawberry from my plate today. I hope he doesn’t mind me being so forward….

Meanwhile, Dwalin and Thorin talking at the other side of the camp:

Thorin: Our burglar offered to wash my hair earlier this morning. I’ve never been pursued like this in all my life.

Dwalin: >:0……oh so he WANTS YOU wants you

Thorin: THATS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT

anyways I’m going insane with ideas for these two. 🆘 please

(ALSO if anyone writes a fic/makes art for this. TAG ME. RIGHT NEOW)

[theklynnsmith]

This is how Thorin sees Bilbo every time