The Lesbian Borderline

Insight and Information from a Lesbian with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[thelesbianborderline]

Once the novelty of your mental illness wears off,

people get tired of your mood swings, psychotic breaks, and maladaptive behaviors. And they leave.

[thelesbianborderline]

Hey your blog caught my eye, I have bpd and like girls too. Let's be friends?

Absolutely, we can. FRIENDS!

[thelesbianborderline]

You're gorgeous! Have a great day!

WHAT!? Thank you! I hope you're having a great day as well. :) And if not, please remember everything can look, feel, and become so much better tomorrow.

[thelesbianborderline]

Hey, you're blog is amazing and affirming. Thank you so much! I am really struggling at the moment, so finding this is a little ray of sunshine:) keep up the good work.... I will be blogging myself soon...

I'm glad it speaks to you, thank YOU for reading. :) I hope you feel as excited about blogging as I do!

[thelesbianborderline]

Love Your blog ❤

Thank you! Your recognition is much appreciated. :)

[thelesbianborderline]

Under an increasingly blinding pill-induced stupor, I write this for my father and my girlfriend.

When I was fifteen, my father and I got into a heated argument which culminated with him yelling that I should’ve been physically disciplined from a young age so I wouldn't talk back. In response, I rose to my full height, stood nearly nose to nose with him (he’s 5’ 6” with bad posture, 5’ 8” when being measured), and said, “So hit me. HIT. ME.” He looked at me with a mixture of rage and disbelief, his face dark and nostrils flaring, and took a deep breath and walked away.

I laughed. I thought he was weak for walking away. 

Yesterday, six years after the incident, I realized for the first time that I was wrong. He was strong for walking away. 

Yesterday, my loving and patient girlfriend giggled and straddled me in an attempt to ameliorate my anger, a gesture I responded to by saying, “I want to beat the shit out of you now.” Wearing a trusting smile, she replied, “So hit me!” And I did. I hit her twice on her left cheek.

I was weak. I was weak for putting my love aside in an argument with the person I love the most, for allowing myself to be guided by pride and anger, and for hearing what she said as a command. 

I used to focus on my father's insignificant flaws. He slumps when he stands and shuffles when he walks. He stutters when he has to speak English to strangers. But my father is a million times stronger than I am for always putting his love for me first. 

Please give me another chance to always put my love for you first.

[thelesbianborderline]

Hi! I'm a lesbian with PMDD which has a lot of symptoms overlapping with BPD and i wanted to say that all the DBT stuff you post is really important to me and im a brand new follower, and its really amazing to see this little community of people who are dealing with a lot of the issues that i am and actively try to change their thought processes and behavior. keep it up please!!! xoxox

Changing destructive thought processes and behavior are a constant struggle, and you're right: we're all in this together. Welcome to the community!

[thelesbianborderline]

I'm a lesbian with bpd :) and in a healthy/stable relationship with someone wonderful. While I have gotten better, I did have an argument and somewhat attacked her yesterday and I felt(and still kind of do) bad about it. Your posts are relate-able and have lifted my spirits; they reminded me that even though I do slip up every once in awhile, that I'm doing better than I used to. So thank you! :)

It's still difficult for me to control my mood swings, even around the person I love. And that's okay! As Borderlines, it is important to acknowledge if and when we get out of line, and apologize if we get disrespectful and/or hurtful. I'm very happy for your and your healthy relationship! Thank you for reading!

[thelesbianborderline]

Oh my god it's like you live in my brain, absolutely live your blog xoxo

YES! <3

[thelesbianborderline]

"But being surrounded by people who understand why you swallowed a whole bottle of pills after an argument is no way to live forever. You need people around you who remind you of how ambitious and driven you used to be; people who will help you become a more productive and balanced individual" Thankyou so much for this! Its such an accurate description :) Ive been out for some time now but i sometimes still think i'd rather go back to my fully crazy self. Thanks for reminding me otherwise xx

Thank you for taking the time to read it, and good luck on your journey!

[thelesbianborderline]

If I had jumped in front of that train on March 13, 2013...

I wouldn't've been able to create this blog. Because I wouldn't've been here. I'm still here, and for that I'd like to thank all the family members, friends, followers, fellow patients, doctors, and therapists that have been there for me along the way. 

I'd also like to thank myself. For remaining on that platform until I realized I needed to get help, not commit suicide. 

[thelesbianborderline]

Sexual Abuse, PTSD, and The Feeling of Being Violated All Over Again

You’re listening to your friend/spouse/coworker when suddenly you get the feeling. With urgency you close your legs, cover your chest, avert your eyes. The next day you’re hugging your brother/cousin/father when suddenly your nipples feel like sandpaper brushing up against their body and you feel naked, violated, exposed. You retract. You seek isolation so no one else can touch, look at, or harm you. You can't even bear the thought of food being inside of you, for eating feels like an act of oral violation so repulsive you'd rather starve. But when you close your mouth, your tongue feels swollen and wet, a grotesquely sexual muscle you can't expunge. There's no relief. You can’t tell exactly what triggered this. The feeling emerges and crests sporadically but with such intensity that it feels as if your entire life has been one singular act of violation. Every opening of your body feels gaping and exposed, leaving you feeling vulnerable and ashamed. It's like you’re being abused all over again —even when no one is touching you, or you trust and love the person touching you.

You don’t deserve to feel dirty.

You don't deserve the flashbacks or the nightmares.

You don't deserve to relive trauma almost daily, and without warning. 

From one healing victim to another, I acknowledge what was done to you and I am sorry you experienced something no one should have to endure. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

[thelesbianborderline]

Learn, explore, embrace who you are. 

[thelesbianborderline]

Your tumblr saved my life today. It's so nice to know I'm not alone, and that I'm not "crazy". Keep up the great work (:

We're not alone. :)

Stay safe. 

[thelesbianborderline]

Are doctors/therapist reluctant to diagnose this disorder?

They are. It can be difficult to distinguish BPD from other disorders (that may or may not overlap with BPD), such as major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD... you get my drift. Additionally, treatment of BPD can be challenging. There is no medication for it, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy is not always available. It may be less challenging to treat other diagnoses, such as depression or bipolar. And let's not forget the stigma that comes with the diagnosis of BPD. This can limit access to healthcare and services by mental health professionals.

Pout.

[thelesbianborderline]

i was recently diagnosed with BPD (also a lesbian yayy). Im in a relationship that seems to trigger me frequently--at least once a week, full-scale breakdowns. I'm hoping that DBT will help, but my gf isn't always the most patient person to begin with, and she's losing patience by the day. How do I distinguish between relationship problems that are caused by my BPD and legitimate red flags that suggest I should leave?

I have found that there are many relationship problems that seem to arise because of BPD and not necessarily because a partner is doing something awful. However, I can see how distinguishing the two can be confusing and difficult. Here are a few questions that might help you with that:

Do you feel safe in the relationship? Are there any threats interchanged between you two? Are you experiencing verbal or physical abuse? 

Has she done anything to hurt you? Allow yourself to define "hurt" any way you feel is right. Has she lied to/cheated on you? Has she violated your body in any way? Has she ever made you feel disrespected, "small", or unworthy? Is she spiteful? 

What aspects of the relationship seem to trigger you? Is it your worry (of being potentially abandoned/hurt/etc.) that gets overwhelming, or is it the actions of your partner? Do you experience symptoms of PTSD? Are you unhappy with her behavior? Write everything down if you are not sure. 

How has your partner reacted to your diagnosis? There are some partners that say they are supportive but act otherwise. Notice the difference. Has she researched the disorder or made any attempts to understand what you're going through? 

Is there anything you're keeping from her? Do you trust her--and can she trust you? Communication and honesty is important in a relationship, and it has to work both ways. Do you feel you can be open in this relationship?

Are you settling? Be honest with this one. Are you still in the relationship because she makes you feel good, or are you in it because you don't think you will find anyone that will understand you  and be patient?

BPD can make us feel like we're difficult to deal with because of our mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and trouble communicating--or even knowing--how we feel. But we are no more difficult to deal with than any other person. We deserve just as much respect, consideration, and love as anyone else. If, after answering these questions, you think she's not doing anything to hurt you (intentionally and otherwise), then I suggest you have a talk with her about your triggers, your feelings, your BPD, and what she can do to help you. Her reaction(s) to this conversation will help you distinguish whether or not this is an effective relationship. However, if after these questions you think you're not safe in the relationship, can't trust her with your feelings and thoughts, and are still in it for the wrong reasons... well, I think you know what to do then. 

I hope this helped.

[thelesbianborderline]

I'm bisexual with BPD:) it's so amazing to see someone like me, especially all of the people on your asks who are going through the same as I am

It definitely helps us realize we're far from alone. :)