[thelifeofcalebandme]

It was this little cuties birthday today! He's a year old, seems Lke it was yesterday I was sitting around in the hospital waiting for him to come and now he's up and walking around and thinks he's ready to take on the world. Even after all the running he does all day, I'm glad that at the end of the day he wants nothing more than to cuddle up to me and sleep. I hope this next year doesn't go by as fast as this one has!

[thelifeofcalebandme]

I can't believe Caleb is going to be one soon

this time last year I was overdue and cranky, ready for my pregnancy to be over and hold my little boy. Now he's walking and talking (some) and always into something. He's got the cutest little smile and a giggle that just melts my heart. I can't believe how far we've come in a year. When I come home from work and he runs over to me and pulls on my clothes until I pick him, I'm so grateful. I may be tired and stressed and just wanting to relax when I walk in but the fact that he's so happy to see me always makes things a little better. I remember last June being a mess of tears for us both. Also pain and heartache over how he came into the world and over not being able to breastfeed him properly. Now we've settled into a routine, our own little rhythm and seeing his smiling face at the end of the makes everything Im doing seem worth it, even if it means being away from him for most of the day.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

[thelifeofcalebandme]

Trying to put Caleb to sleep

Tbh I've been trying since 7 and it's nearly 11 and he still doesn't wanna go down. I didn't bathe him earlier because he was acting real tired so after he ate I read him a story and put lotion on him and put him down to sleep. Well a nap really, he hasn't quite gotten the hang of going to bed at 7ish despite my best efforts he always wants one last bottle but it's usually just wake up eat, get changed and back to sleep. Since he does sleep 10-12 hours once he does fall asleep, I don't fuss too much and just let him do his thing but tonight he didn't nap at all even though he was falling asleep while eating and I tried to give him a little sponge bath cause his head smelled like spit up and he pooped all over the changing table cover. I also took his temp because he's been feeling warm all day and it was a bit higher than normal but not really a fever but it was right after I finished taking his temp that he pooped and even though I had him laying on his diaper it still got everywhere 😒. Now he's laying is his crib rolling around and squealing like its the middle of the day not nearly 11 at night

[thelifeofcalebandme]

Over the last few days

I have been called lazy, ungrateful, a bitch, an asshole, and a fuck up, all because on Thursday, when I had what was easily the worst migraine I have ever had, I didn’t go outside to do yard work. I didn’t go outside because it was hot, it was sunny and the work would have required me to bend over frequently, all of which would have made my already unbearable migraine even worse.

The thing is that I no longer have the luxury of being able to stay in bed, in reality, in a very dark room, and rest when i have a migraine. I got up at 8 and fed the baby, then when he was finished and we went through our usualr morning routine I put him down for a nap because that’s what he always wants to do an hour after he eats first thing in the morning. I laid back down, not to take a nap but just to rest because my head was pounding, the room was spinning, I felt like was going to pass out and/or puke at any moment. No longer than a half an hour later my mom comes in, sees that the baby is sleeping and proceeds to talk to me, quite loudly, about how she wants me to come outside and help with yard work. i told her that I was sick and that i would do the job she asked me to do when I was feeling better.

Now one would think that that would have been the end of it but no, she then pinches my foot (which is mean for anyone but especially to me since she knows that I hate my feet being touched because it makes me very uncomforable) and yells at me. I ask her to leave because I was feeling awful and the baby was asleep. She does then comes back roughly ten minutes later and asks again, I tell her the same thing and once again say that i will do it when I feel better and ask her to leave so she doesn’t wake the baby. Instead she starts yelling and the baby immeadiately wakes up, and then she has the audacity to say “oh, now I guess you’ll be using him as your excuse.” Like no I’m not using him ‘as my excuse’ I’m taking care of my son and the situation that you created.

Once I got the baby sorted I went to see what my grandma was doing and make sure that she had eaten something and was drinking (my grandma is prone to dehydration and the day before when we went out she didn’t drink enouh water and got very sick) and when i saw that she was cleaning her room I did a few things to help. I ended up vacuuming for her (and cleaning the vacuum because it was gross) because with her arthritis it is really hard for her to do. The noise from the vacuum combined with bending over to coil up the cord had me sitting at my dining room table sobbing with my hands and legs shaking and feeling even more like I would pass out and/or puke at any moment. While I’m siting there trying to compose myself and get things ready to feed the baby again (all my bottles were dirty so I had to take care of that and I had little water left so I was trying to see if I had enough to last the day and at least the first feeding the next day) I get a text from my mom saying something along the lines of “oh I see you ave time to get on pinterest but can’t help with the yard”.

I got on pinterest for all of five minutes while I was feeding the baby reblogged one thing about folding prefolds for cloth diapers and got off because it was only making my head worse. Plus like it wasn’t that I didnt want to do anything (though in reality I didnt because the simple act of getting out of bed made me feel worse) because I knew realistically that that wasn’t an option. It was the I didnt want to do that specific chore at that specific time because I knew that it would only make me feel worse. I got up the next morning and when the baby went down for his nap I went and did the yard work like i said that I would. But because I didn’t jump up and immeadiately do it when I was feeling like death warmed over I’m lazy, and ungrateful and a bitch, cool. But I still helped with chores and helped make dinner and took care of my son all while feeling like if I stood too fast I may pass out.

So that was thursday, Friday I felt a bit better and did my chore and a hadful of other things then went out that afternoon to hang out/hook up with a friend. Things were fine at first but while I was giving him a bj I moved forward slightly and got sharp stabbing pains in my head. We didn’t do too much like sex wise, we really did mostly hang out and cuddle, which was great but the longer I was there the worse that I felt. By the time the I left his house it was starting to get dark and I had to drive home in rush hour traffic. By this point my head was killing me and it was getting hard to focus, plus I was upset about some things and a stupid song on the radio made me cry, so I ended up pulling off the highwat and taking back roads home so I didn’t have ot deal with headlights from oncoming traffic or headlights in my rearview mirror as much since both make my head throb.

I got home right about when I said I was going to and I was by that point irriatated and just all around feeling lousy. I didnt say too much when I walked in but my mom was blathering on about something when she stops all of a sudden and looks at me and asks in an annoyed tone what was wrong. I told her I wasn’t feeling well then she gets pissed and asks why I went out, well when I left I was feeling okay, which she knew because I told her plus I said I would go out if I was feeling okay before I did but only if that were the case. So then she gets all annoyed walks away. I talked to my grandma about going shopping the next morning and got all that straightened out before going to make sure the baby was asleep and when he was lay down and relax. So firday all in all from my mom at least was not too bad.

Last night i was doing some research about things to never say to someone who suffers from chronic migraines, like me, all of which my mom had said to me the day before. And today when I got up I was still feeling crappy but knew we needed to go to the store so I did my best to get myself and the baby ready to do that. When I went out my mom asked if I was feeling better and when I said no she asked why I was going grocery shopping when I wasn’t feeling well, in a way that I knew meant she was asking why I was doing this when I didn’t feel well but would’t do yard work. I told her that it was because it wasn’t hot out, or sunny out like it was thursday plus my mirgraine wasnt as bad and the shopping needed to get done and I knew she wouldn’t do it (okay I only thought that last part).

So I went out and did all the grocery shopping and paid for 75% of all of it, and then came home and cooked dinner and did all of this while taking care of my son and having a migraine. Yet I still got called lazy and ungrateful and never once was thanked. And this is only from my mother, add to that my asshole of a brother messaging me constantly on facebook telling me im lazy and never do anything around the house, and calling me a fuck up and a myriad of other things. All while I’m doing all of the grocery shopping for the house and paying for the majority of it, plus cooking meals every day, plus doing chores around the house, plus taking care of my son and doing all of that while I have a headache or migraine every single damn day. Not to mention researching schools so that i can apply next fall and trying at every moment to find a job that I can actually do i.e. one that doesn’t require me to be on my feet for long periods of time because I am physically incapable of doing so and that I have the qualifications for with my limited work experience.

It’s like I do everything that I can to help out around the house when some days it is literally all that I can do just to take care of my son and I still get bitched at and ridiculed constantly.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

Sometimes I just like sit and think

About how most people just like aren't in pain every single day. Like???? Sounds awesome af. I literally can't remember anymore when the last time I truly did not have a headache was. Like I have days where they're not do bad (like a 4/5 on the pain scale) but often they stay constant at about a 7-8. The thing is that like I've gone to several doctors about them before and all they've done is like do an Mri and when that shows nothing they say it's because I'm heavy and don't pursue it any further or like do anymore testing or anything. Like???? I don't get it like at all. Super tired of being in pain all the damn time. And like living like a dance cave dweller cause bulbs over 60w make it way worse and struggling o hear the tv cause loud noises make it way worse and getting instantly annoyed whenever my son cries because that makes it way worse. I just wish these doctors would fucking try for once. Like I got a lumbar puncture two years ago to check my fluid levels and the guy doing it said that he was positive that I didn't have what my neurologist atm said I have because I didn't have the excess fluid that is like how that condition gets diagnosed. But the neurologist was basically like oh your fat though so that's what it is even though I didn't have the like key part of the condition????? It's super cool when that happens, lemme tell ya.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

If one more person tells me "it happens"

When I say I'm upset about not being able to breastfeed they may just get punched in the face. I understand that it happens that doesn't make me feel any better about it happening to me. That doesn't make me feel any less like there something wrong with me or my body because i can't do this. It doesn't make me feel any better about hearing my son get himself all worked up while I'm making his bottle because when it gets close to time to eat he goes from completely fine (like showing no signs of hunger or anything) to a meltdown sooner than I can blink and it's heartbreaking to not be able to just like feed him right then whenever he want it or needs it. I have tried many things and nothing's worked. I tried pumping after every feed for at least 20mins and like power pumping at least twice a day. I've tried the fenugreek, I've tried making lactation cookies. Ive tried all three at the same time and none of them helped much. I was even feeding him his formula through a tube while breastfeeding in hopes that it would help me produce more. There was a like tiny boost and that was it. And now I don't know what to do. I've basically given up on it tbh. I'm just bottle feeding and every time I'm sitting there fixing it I get upset :/.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

It's 80 out and my little weirdo wants to be wrapped in a fleece blanket I'm sweating and he wants a fleece blanket okay kiddo

[thelifeofcalebandme]

Trying to get more sleep

I out Caleb in his crib and told him that I'm going back to sleep so he needs to either amuse himself or take a nap. He chose the first option. Must learn to sleep through incessant baby chatter. So hard though.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

My boobs hurt 😩😩

Tried pumping and got nothing, still hurt. Hand expressed as much as I could and they feel a little better. But like why do they hurt how could they be full at all I produce like a Tbs of milk????

[thelifeofcalebandme]

My little cutie is almost 3 months old (Sunday he will be) and it's so crazy that's it's already been that long! Seems like it was yesterday that we were in the hospital struggling to breastfeed and now we're trying to prepare for the all too imminent arrival of his first teeth 😁😁

[thelifeofcalebandme]

Sitting in the pediatricians office

With a shirt covered in pee 😒. Great day so far. And will probably only get worse since he's getting shots today and he was very fussy and clingy after his last one.

[psychotichorizons-deactivated20]

30 things I wish I knew before I started cutting:

1. Razors are a pain in the ass to get out. 2. Don’t ever let something get to the point where you can’t control it. 3. Shaving will never be the same. 3. Cuts hurt way longer than just when you’re in the shower. 4. Sleeves move around, and they won’t always be covered. 5. The fabric from your jeans will make your skin feel like it’s burning alive. 6. One cut will never be enough. 7. Every line, mark, scrape you see turns into a trigger. 8. Blood smells really, really gross. 9. The scars will constantly remind you, even on the good days. 10. You’re not sure why it feels good, it just does. 11. ^^ Sometimes it doesn’t feel good at all and it will make you cry. 12. You’ll start to see yourself as disgusting. 13. Sometimes the blood won’t stop and you swear it’s your last time, but it never will be. 14. Bandaids, Neosporin, and razors cost a lot of money. 15. Sex becomes very awkward with the lights on. 16. Cuts itch. 17. Then people ask why you’re itching. 18. You’re too hot to wear that hoodie? Too bad. 19. You’ll throw away your razors and the next day feel like a psycho when you’re digging through the trash. 20. No matter how many excuses you make up for doing it that day, none of them will be valid. Ever. 21. People will think you do it for attention, so you’ll start to believe them. 22. You’ll want to stop, you just won’t know how. 23. It will tear your heart out when your best friend does it once. 24. Some places feel better to cut than others. 25. Skin doesn’t always grow back the way you want. 26. You’ll feel like a charity case. 27. Some people will treat you like you are one, too. 28. You’ll start to think more about your back up plan for if you start to bleed out rather than college. 29. You’ll get angry if you forgot your razors. 30. Your mom’s going to cry really hard when she finally sees them.

[cardcaptorr]

please don’t ever start cutting I 100% promise you you’ll regret it

[illuusionary-deactivated2024022]

the most accurate thing I think I’ve read

[aphrodykete]

for real though. i try to keep things lighthearted here, but NEVER start cutting or hurting yourself in any way. it fucks up how you see so many things and makes you think of how else they can be used, so please, PLEASE talk to someone instead. if needed, I’ll be happy to listen and list alternatives.

[revl-lvce-deactivated20171228]

Never ever start self harming. You are all beautiful and don’t deserve it xx I hate how much I relate to this post.

[freakingthe-fuck-out]

FYI, these scars last. They’re not just there when you’re 14 and want to die. They last even after you’re clean for a while. They’re there when you’re 16 and your mom is teaching you to drive and she looks over to check if your hands are on 10 and 2 and she sees your arm and chokes up. They’re there at 17 at your senior prom when you’re wearing your strapless dress and your date tries to put on your corsage. They’re there at 18 when you’re donating blood and the nurse asks to see your arms to check for yout veins. And they’re still their at 19 when you haven’t cut in quite a while and you’re at your job putting sauces back on the table and a customer asks “what’s that on your arm”. You think they’re referring to your tattoos. They’re not. 

[inaredflush-13]

this makes me want to throw up and is so unbelievably true. it never really goes away even after its gone.

[thinly-deactivated20200907]

and it’s soooo fun in summer when you thought your scars were fading well and the sun darkens them out again. please don’t hurt yourself. this post got me choked up. I wish I never ever did

[recoveryofabrokenteen]

And when you want to go get your nails done but you can’t without feeling so uncomfortable with the manicurist looking at the scars and asking what they are.

[aspiemum-deactivated20160221]

They are still there in your wedding photos and they are still there in the photos of you holding your baby for the first time.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

I pick Caleb up for a cuddle before I go change his diaper and he spits up all over me 😒, thanks for that.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

sa2ahbobarah Oh, well that is good news! The weird part then is that I don't feel it when he eats I tend to get that feeling like 20 minutes after he's done. And I nurse for as long as he wants and on demand so it's just weird that I never feel it when he eats but do shortly after. Yeah that makes a lot of sense, the only reason I wish I could see more in the pumps bottles because then I would know all of this is actually helping. Plus I'm gonna have to get a job as soon as possible and it would be nice to be able to pump and give him breast milk instead of having to continue with formula.

[thelifeofcalebandme]

Baby hasn't slept since the last time he ate. I'm running to the bathroom before I make his bottle and he starts fussing/crying presumably because it's nearly time to eat and he's hungry. I just finish making his bottle and my grandma tells me he's fast asleep 😒

[thelifeofcalebandme]

sa2ahbobarah Thank you hon! I know, it's just frustrating when I don't really seem to be seeing any results from everything I'm doing, like I've been pumping and taking fenugreek and I even made some lactation cookies and I'm not really seeing any results. I'm gonna keep trying for a bit longer but I've just been feeling super discouraged about it lately, especially after my at my six week check up my midwife was like "well you tried". Idk it just made me really upset like she was telling me to give up, and I realize that isn't what was said it just made me feel like it since I already have been feeling I want to. It's like I've been trying all this stuff and then when I pump I still can't even get half an ounce and he doesn't seem to be taking any less formula, in fact he's taking more. It's especially frustrating since when I pump I get negligible amounts of breast milk but when I have express I get more, still not a ton but more than when I pump. But then my boobs will just randomly like hurt and feel like tingly I guess is the best way to describe it, and so I try to pump when that happens and still get nothing but if I like squeeze my breast milk will spray out which I'm only sometimes able to get in the bottle since I often need two hands to get it expressed but it does relieve the pain. So basically I have no idea what's going on and it's super frustrating lol.