The Next Right Thing

28 year old recently retired student (BSc., BSW, MSW). Dog enthusiast. Semi-Professional Netflix explorer. Gay. Feminist. They/Them/Their preferred. Recovery is tough.

[thenextrightthing]

Well my unpredictable brain just pushed a repressed trauma memory to the surface. So happy I’m stuck on a fucking train for another 90 minutes. I feel like I could just hurl myself out the window. That would probably do the trick.

[thenextrightthing]

Okay

I can be ok. I can be ok even though life feels like it's caving in on me. I can be ok even though my girlfriend is unhappy and not returning my texts. I can be ok even though someone at work stabbed me in the back. I can be ok even though it feels like my worst fears are coming true. I can be ok even though I feel helpless. I can be ok.

[thenextrightthing]

It's nice to have you back for a little while

My girlfriend commenting on my recent emergence from a depressive episode

[thenextrightthing]

Why do all my feelings make me want to kill myself? Why can’t I just have a normal emotional reaction instead of taking everything so fucking personally? Fuck you BPD. Just fuck you. 

[thenextrightthing]

This was the best way to spend a Sunday

[thenextrightthing]

2017, The Year of Me

I have high hopes for 2017.  Almost anything would be better than the hell that my ongoing mental health crisis of 2016. I don’t normally buy into the whole ‘new year new me’ thing but I couldn’t get out from under the weight of 2016 until it was no longer a thing in my life. I realize that it’s only 9 days into 2017 but so far it’s been amazing. I spent New Year’s Eve on my own this year for the first time and it was a nice time to just be self-indulgent and to focus on all the positive things happening in my life. I want to be less harsh on myself when it comes to my mental health and body image. I’ve been working my DBT skills and actually seeing results. Leading up to NYE I started to realize that my life has become unbearably small. Everything was feeling scary and I felt like I was spending my free time stressing about the “what ifs” about everything. I decided that moving forward I can be scared and I can be worried but I don’t want that to hold me back. I want to keep trying things and pushing my comfort zone. This weekend has been a great example of this and it was unbelievable. I went to the queer slow dance on Saturday night and it was the absolute cutest even I have ever been to. Just so comfortable and cute and accepting. It took me most of the night to step fully outside my comfort zone and dance with someone I didn’t know but I did it! Goddamn, it was the cutest event. The next day involved hungover brunch with some fantastic humans and then the pantless subway ride. I was hesitant to participate because body image issues are a thing, but it turns out that my dislike of pants does extend beyond the confines of my apartment. We road the subway with a bunch of fellow pants-haters and then had a freezing cold pantless parade from the subway to the bar for the afterparty. It was also so cute. (I could have done without all the fully clothed men taking pictures but you can’t win them all). 

I feel so proud of myself (a sentiment echoed by the people I was with) because I stepped out of my comfort zone and it was totally fine. It was so much fun and I would have missed out on all of it if I hadn’t been willing to take that very scary step. I’m trying to hold on to that feeling because I feel so good. I am so exhausted but so content. If 2017 wants to continue along this path I would be more than ok with that. 

[thenextrightthing]

Lolololol

[wordsnquotes]

You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy.

Andrea Gibson (via wordsnquotes)

[birdblinder]

self-love sigil 💖💕💝

To love myself gently, as a whole, to see my worth and beauty.

[thenextrightthing]

CW - talk of suicide I would be so happy if I could figure out how to experience PMS without wanting to kill myself. Like, getting over depression is almost impossible when every month i can barely get out of bed and respond to even the tiniest frustration by planning my own death. Fuck. I hate this so much.

[deeplifequotes]

I will not beg you for your time or try to convince you to choose me, the world is too big and I have too much to offer.

Unknown  (via internal-acceptance-movement)

[thenextrightthing]

"What I want matters too"

I keep repeating to myself (even though I don't think it's 100% true) every time my crippling fear of abandonment takes over. So fucking nauseous all the fucking time.

[thenextrightthing]

I went back to the social worker at my doctor’s office today. I’ve seen her once and I didn’t really get anything out of the session and it didn’t feel like a good fit and I felt uncomfortable talking to someone registered with the same college as me (even thought I’m 99.8% sure that she couldn’t report me unless my mental health was impacting my clients, but still). I have been having a very bad few days. This goddamn medication change is not going well. I just want the meds that were working back but I also don’t want to have a seizure so I guess trial and error is where I’m at for now. Anyway, I went back to the social worker and actually had an incredibly productive session. I went in there not wanting to talk, wanting to kill myself, and needing to cry. I got to cry. I actually ended up talking a lot. And things feel slightly less hopeless. I still have a timeline in my head but am slightly less fixated on how I’m going to kill myself. I actually feel so much better than I was before that session. Good enough to apply for jobs. Honestly, the best part of my job was that I got to see my BFF every day and she left because she got another job so now my job is just a soul-sucking annoyance. I’ve been on holidays for the last week and I am dreading going back but hopefully this round of job applications will actually lead to an interview so I can at least keep my confidence up. 100+ job applications and no interviews. Fuck this economy. I have so much more to say but I am tired of typing. Ok byeeeeee

[thenextrightthing]

me: i feel unloved

brain: i know!! how about you don't talk to Anyone and wait for them to notice and give you attention

me: yes! a great idea

[archiemcphee]

Dogs + David Bowie + Labyrinth = “David Bow-Wow as Jareth In LAB-yrinth”

This may be the pinnacle of punny pet cosplay, for now at least. The geektastic Goblin King costume was created by Maurene of Costume Works:

“My Pomeranian, Duff, looks a lot like David Bowie from the movie Labyrinth so I decided to help him along.

I added some sparkle to a black dog jacket, made a big collar for the jacket and, made the frills in front. For the hair, I cut up an old Halloween wig and made a dog wig with elastics.

The make-up is dog grooming dye and it only took a few minutes to apply because Duff sat so well for it. Anything for a few treats!”

[via Fashionably Geek]

[thenextrightthing]

Feeling like a pile of garbage but looking ok. Let this depressed/suicidal/unmedicated hell end

[thenextrightthing]

Some days this job feels like a never ending uphill battle that make it impossible to see that what I'm doing actually matters. Emotional labour can be beautiful but people tend to forget how exhausting it can be. I needed to be reminded that it is precious and important today.