tyrannosaurus deer @theoleostin - Tumblr Blog

It’s always “I love him” and never “It’s two thousand, one hundred and twenty-nine years since Ptolemy died, he was fourteen. Eight world empires have risen up and fallen away since that day, and I still carry his face.”

memewhore

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

This review for a dog life jacket is sending me

huffylemon

triviallytrue

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

friendshapedhole

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

triviallytrue

Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I'm fine, I wasn't planning on smiling at him

max1461

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

triviallytrue

Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I'm confident I can stay out of the gorilla's way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it's all over.

It's not just about the physical danger either, it's about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he's actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance

ghostpalmtechnique

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

triviallytrue

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

notwiselybuttoowell

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

chaumas-deactivated20240115

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

nightingalesoul

this is too good to leave hidden in the replies

bermuda-n-drangle

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

tooies

the tsa stops me because my carryon had too much liquid and they open it and its just full of blood

amazoogle

hi, frequent flyer here. they'll actually let you carry on up to 5 liters of blood as long as its in your vascular system

tooies

i don't have a vascular system this is the best i can do

duckdotcom

weaver-z

Every time I remember that dramatic Minecraft comic someone cropped the bottom two panels from, I have to take a break to cackle at it

nbbybirth-milfbychoice-blog

seravph

THEY KEEP ASKING ME IF I WOULD DIE FOR THEM AND I KEEP ASKING WHY THEY WANT ME DEAD

dsmsix

job interviews

tamiscolaris

LABYRINTH, assembled by me

alex-0-0-0-0-0-0

autsitic-correctness

I fucking love these videos

fyterx

This is un-𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐-acceptable. The vending machine, ｂｒｏｋｅ, and robbed me of my 𝓉𝓌𝑜 𝓆𝓊𝒶𝓇𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓈 and now I can't work properly without my 𝓕𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓸 𝓛𝓪𝔂𝓼™. I wanna (𝔰𝔦𝔯) speak to your manager (𝖘𝖎𝖗) 𝙞𝙢𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮!

🅂🄸🅁, hello? Does somebody need a new prescription for their 𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬? I'm a security guard, not a vending machine guy.

Oh, 𝕛𝕖𝕖𝕫𝕖! I'm so-ɦօ sorry, if you're not the 𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝓪𝓬𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓮 𝓰𝓾𝔂, then, 𝔴𝔥𝔬 𝔱𝔥𝔢 🄵🅄🄲🄺 𝔦𝔰? Because all I see is you ⓟⓐⓝⓢⓨ-⃝ⓐⓢⓢ 𝐛𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐭-𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐬 loafin' around everywhere, like, are any of you NPCs programmed with 𝕒𝕟𝕪 bit of responsibility? 𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐁𝐎𝐃𝐘 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭?

What's a 𝚖𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚊ꜰᴜᴄᴋᴀ 𝔞𝔯𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡 𝔥𝔢𝔯𝔢 𝖌𝖔𝖙𝖙𝖆 𝖉𝖔 to ⒼⒺⓉ ⓈⓄⓂⒺ 🅵🆁🅸🆃🅾-