I am not a ho, Archivist, I am a thot

Elsie, 20s, she/her. Formerly ajcrawly. Discworld, Disco Elysium, TLT, The Terror, TMA, UK comedy TV shows nobody's thought about in 20 years. Lyctor? I hardly know her.

[thesaintofpatience]

ajcrawly -> thesaintofpatience

[phantomrose96]

Cant have fucking shit in Detroit

[phantomrose96]

[phantomrose96]

Cant have shit

[phantomrose96]

Okay so door saga

The only way into my building is through the front door which locks itself when closed. There's a back entrance but it's deadbolted from the inside. This means the only people who can get into the building are me, my cat sitter with the spare keys, and the people living in the other two units.

The door to MY unit now... has no doorknob. Impossible to get in.

There is a shared BACK hallway that leads to the shared basement/back entrance. My back door into this hall is always deadbolted. EXCEPT, fortuitously, right now, since neighbor (Molly) in unit 2 had heard Patches meowing when alone and offered to spend some time with her, so I had the cat sitter unlock the bolt.

This, LUCKILY, means there is A Way into my unit. But it requires getting into the building, then going THROUGH my neighbors' unit into the back hall, then up to my unit.

Cat sitter is effectively locked out from Patches, and won't be able to get in if not fixed by the next day.

Text neighbor about predicament. They're willing to look at my door bUT (it's Christmas) they're not home and not getting home until the next day.

Next day, text for an update but hear nothing. (Neighbors aren't attached to their phones much). Communicate with catsitter saying "okay if I don't hear back from neighbors, maybe you go over and I contact a locksmith who you can let in?" (since cat sitter has the keys to the building)

Catsitter is very not keen on the idea

Patches is unaware she's a prisoner.

Hear back from neighbors. Say they should be home around 5pm.

Okay... Good Enough... (Patches graze-feeds so Luckily she hasn't missed any meals but we're going on 24 hours of house arrest Patches).

6pm comes. 7pm comes. 7:40pm I text asking for an update. Nothing.

8:30pm I'm figuring out what friends I can call to break into my own house. Text neighbor again and notice this text doesn't go through.

Text neighbor's partner being like "hey sorry, can't seem to reach Molly--". Get a text back "Sorry this is Molly on David's phone! My phone died." Family Christmas plans ran late but they're on their way back and will be home soon. Thank goodness.

9pm-ish, they get back, give Patches attention and top up her food. I get a text "David fixed your door!" Woo!

Friday 5pm I finally get home

Lugging my suitcase up three flights of stairs while I hear Patches meowing like a dying Victorian child

Shoes off coat off suitcase down fish out keys unlock door grab doorknob

...Doorknob falls off

Falls off right into my hands

Staring at doorknob. Staring at door. Patches meowing. Shove doorknob against door like an idiot and no it does not go back on.

Fucking

Go down flight of stairs, knock on Molly and David's door. David is luckily home. "My doorknob fell off again can I go home"

David lets me in. I scoot past their dogs and apparently I startled the more nervous one since she apparently tried to nip at me but I didn't even notice because I'm like my cat.

Get in through the back hall.

Patches comes bounding over.

My cat.

Doesn't even know she was a prisoner.

Doesn't even know what a doorknob is.

Later that night receive a text from neighbor apologizing for the dog and I'm like "I Did Not Even Notice."

Any attempt to leave my house now is perilous until I fix the doorknob.

Can't even leave my door cracked open because I know Patches is gonna shove her stupid little face through it and become the opposite of a prisoner.

I wanna go buy a reeces peanut butter cup but by god it's not worth the risk

I'm gonna try to fix the doorknob

Or... buy? a new doorknob?

On Amazon searching "doorknob".

Merry Christmas

[phantomrose96]

You are completely right because I have now investigated the knob and can confirm the screw holding the knob to bar was loose. I have tightened the screw and it SEEMS fixed but I’m very Fool Me Once on this since my neighbor also thought they’d fixed it.

There is a Home Depot trip in my future. Or maybe an online purchase if Patches would get off my laptop

[phantomrose96]

Merry Christmas I hope I know how to install a doorknob

[phantomrose96]

Complication. Doorknob is here and I tried to install it, but because my door is older than God, the latch-majig (technical term) is offset like an inch higher than the knob. Modern doorknob has the latch LEVEL with the knob.

To swap in the new knob I'd need to cut a new knob-hole an inch higher in the door which

With what tools

That would leave an unused gaping doorknob-sized hole in my door which any robber the size of a weasel or smaller will use to rob my home. I don't need fucking Redwall in my home.

Probably bad for the integrity of the door

I don't wanna.

I think what I really want is just the knob like above tags said. Like the knob and the rectangular bar, which I can substitute in for my stripped-bare knob and rectangle bar. I WOULD do this with the new knob, but it's got two welded-on spokes poking out from the knob.

I can maybe drill two holes for the spokes in my door...?

(Squinting at shitty amazon listings trying to see if any knobs don't have the two spokes)

(I think the two spokes might be standard.)

Developing new respect for Jesus (carpenter).

In the meantime, because I'd already unscrewed a lot of things I DID take the genius action of flipping my current doorknob around.

This way the side that causes problems is on the INSIDE.

Doorknob fall of while INSIDE house significantly better than doorknob fall off while OUTSIDE.

I'm retightening all the screws.

Patches has offered no solutions.

[phantomrose96]

So it does!

Never heard the term "spindle doorknob" before so I never would have found this on my own.

They're also all labeled "vintage" which extra feels right since my door predates the Cambrian Explosion.

Crowdsourcing my door fix on Tumblr dot com! Doorknob 2.0 is ordered.

[phantomrose96]

At least 4,000 but we still got time

[phantomrose96]

New doorknob should get here tomorrow, but in the meantime things in the notes of this post:

Several dozen stories of other people getting locked in/out of bathrooms/basements/classrooms/bedrooms/buildings. Extra shout out to the person whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid4reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesdweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Patches is on my keyboard

whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid succession, to both sides of a classroom door after being saved the first time.

Several people taking this as a sign to go tighten their doorknob screws, including someone whose knob fell off in their hands while doing this

10 or so people reading the "can't have shit in Detroit" meme to mean I live in Detroit. Sorry to confess I'm a fake Detroitite. Doxxing myself by 0.00001% more by informing the world I live in not-Detroit.

Many many people wondering why I'm not pestering my landlord about this. Truth is my landlord is way too sexy, cool, fashionable, smart, pretty, funny, and popular on Tumblr to it's me. It's me. I'm me I'm my landlord. It's my condo. Including, with immense regret, every single doorknob inside.

3 separate professional locksmiths who have reached out offering advice, which is very cool. I have burst into a virtual hardware store clutching my shit doorknob and fainted, only to be caught by three very strong and cool locksmiths rushing to my aid.

Person with a story of dogsitting a friend's Tibetan Mastiff who managed to knock the entire backdoor down. Taking inspiration from this to train Patches in battering-ram techniques, should she ever get locked inside again.

[phantomrose96]

[phantomrose96]

DOORKNOB

ALSO MY PAPER TOWELS

(Ran out of paper towels)

Old knob coming off.

Wretched thing. Accursed knob of woe.

Get undid

New knob reign by forceful coup. Went to great pains to PRECISELY wait Patches is escaping

Patches retrieved

Anyway GREAT care was taken to ensure both knobs are ALIGNED, EVEN, SCREWED ON, with the wait hang on

Patches retrieved again.

Anyway

DOORKNOB SCREWED ON

KNOB

Still gonna keep the emergency screwdriver in the hall for probably the next month.

[phantomrose96]

In conclusion look at my cat

[certified-door-posts]

certified door post

[sheherlockholmes]

people will claim to be filled with whimsy and joy for life but then hate musicals……. the vile tongue of man will never cease lying

[sheherlockholmes]

[fagstaynight]

Sorry boss i cant come into work tomorrow the old jolly king just slapped his belly and leaned back in his chair with a big leg of lamb in his hand and loudly declared that the festivities shall last all through the night

[midnightcrows]

"I forgive you everything, Lord," she whispered. And she slid her hands inside him.

Edit: had to update this one too 👍

Original below + alt with a black circle

[when-you-fail-again]

[some-lionheart]

[wordfather]

i am not immune to a well choreographed fight scene with a fun song in the background

[catilinas]

you should be able to wash your hair and it stays washed. what do you mean i have to do it again

[greelin]

not a day goes by that i don’t think of this

[currentlycryingaboutlancelot]

christopher nolan great gatsby where jay sits down by the pool before he’s shot and says “our roaring twenties are collapsing”

[thesaintofpatience]

Sits bolt upright like I’m waking up after a long sleep

Hey so the bartimaeus trilogy huh how about those books. I’ve been slapped in the face by nostalgia again. Kitty jones I would risk it all for you

[icecreamwithjackdaniels]

Frank Paton (English, 1855–1909), "Witness my Act and Deed", 1882

[geckocs]

Severance is a cool show. Because, like. What if you knew nothing. No context. No idea who you are. No history. And, of course, you are scared, but you can’t leave unless you get permission from someone— the person who put you here— someone who will never listen. Someone who makes all the decisions, who says “I’m a grown-up person and you’re not.” And you’re naive and lonely, but at least there’s other people in the same boat as you. Someone, just been there slightly longer, is trying to shield you, trying to protect you, taking responsibility and taking on punishment they “can handle and grow from.”

Like. Oh yeah. I recognize this one. Someone else dresses you. Someone else feeds you. Someone else, who's just like you, but they get everything. The little toys and the waffle party. Helly is desperate and suicidal, but she still has to go to school work. You have to do work that doesn't make sense, but you'll understand eventually. The meaningless, manufactured rivalry between departments. The rumors??? “they have larvae that eat them?” “I’m livestock grown for food” “I’m a bodybuilder who has loads of girlfriends, but you don’t know them they go to a different school?” Punishment in the form of apologizing over and over, having to use all the right words, until you are believed. Endless hallways. Scary authority figures. "Are you mad at me?" Religion being the only type of media you see, until you read some shitty book that changes your life. Confusing, sudden camping trips that are supposed to fix you. Condescension. The words "innie" and "outie" are brought up multiple times as infantilizing. Of course his innie's voice is higher pitched????

[hyperlexichypatia]

Everything you're forced to do -- and everything done to you -- is for your benefit, you're told... but not for the benefit of YOU-you. For the benefit of an alternate version of you, a version of you that you can't communicate with, a version of you that you don't even know really exists, but that everyone assures you is you and is, in fact, the version of you that matters more than and should be prioritized over YOU-you. You're not allowed to question this.

Yeah. Reminds me a lot of a kid's Hypothetical Adult Self.

Your future self will understand. Your future self will thank me. Your future self will want you to have done this. This is for your (future self's) own good.

Kid Me wasn't supposed to ask "If I'll want this when I'm older, why can't I just wait to do it until I'm older and want this?"

[hyperlexichypatia]

Wait, I can take this further.

The appeal of severance, at least as we've been shown it so far, is that subjects can have unpleasant experiences (childbirth, a tedious workday, a dental exam) already having happened, to skip directly to the "afterward" and have the unpleasant experience actually experienced by another, lesser version of yourself. Right?

Which is also how a lot of adults feel about children -- either their own retrospective child selves, or the children currently in their lives (whose lives must be structured to best serve their future adult selves). The purpose of childhood is to get unpleasant experiences over with so that the Future Adult Self (the self-that-matters) can have them already over with.

It's so telling that the boss at the door factory who interviews Dylan compares severance to circumcision -- a surgery commonly performed on infants, without medical necessity, based purely on the justification "They'll want/need it done as adults." Now, that's not necessarily true (the world is fully of happily uncircumcised adults), but even if if were, it would raise the inevitable question "Then why not wait until they want/need it as adults?" and the answer is "Because surgery is unpleasant and we assume adults don't want to go through it. The Future Adult Self (the self-that-matters) will want this surgery to already have happened, to have been experienced by the Lesser (childhood) Self."

And people even do this with learning skills! "I wish my parents had made me learn to play piano as a kid." Why can't you learn to play piano now? What's stopping you? What you mean is "I wish I were already good at piano-playing, I wish the awkward, frustrating, beginner stages of learning piano-playing had already been gotten over with by my Lesser Self who exists to get unpleasant things out of the way for Me, the Self Who Matters."

[britney]

it's

bitch

[yiffmaster]

honestly this post only got funnier with the change in format

[systemofcolor-deactivated201610]

my xkit makes it the old format so

[sharkishblue]

it’s yiffmaster britney bitch

[pingo1387]

having a headache while hydrated is so unfair. you were supposed to protect me.

[retroactivebakeries]

a certain species of pebble is known to lurk inside your shoe

[angrydino42-and-avathecannibal]

*me working in the insides of a machine* shush, I need to focus, this is very intimate- I mean intimate- I mean intimate- I mean intimate- I mean intricate.