Ok, so I’m back. I don’t know what happened, I guess I just couldn’t deal with things and pulled back from anything that meant I had to think about stuff.
An update - I’ll make it brief. I’ve had a shitty year - my mum almost died, my grandad did die and both of my nan’s have been in and out of hospital and barely surviving. One is basically receiving palliative care now. I’m really close with her as she’s been like my mum.Â
I’ve done some running, running and some more running and completed a marathon in the summer, which I’m pretty proud of. I did a 100 mile bike ride, both events being for charity. I’m now at uni studying human biology.
Mental health wise, it’s been so so tough. Care coordinators in my team have changed so much that I never made good connections with them and basically as soon as I started uni they discharged me, saying there was nothing more they could do for me and that as I had started uni, I was ‘obviously ok now’. Like what the hell?? I had just told my CC that I was struggling with the huge change in my life with starting uni and that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts as well as self harming ones, and all she said was ‘well, you aren’t going to like what I’ve got to say next then - we are discharging you.’ So yeah, I’m left up shit creek without a paddle.
 I tried talking to the uni counsellors, and they were kinda ok with me see me whilst I was struggling so much because I initially had the mental health team supporting me too. As soon as they disappeared, the uni wanted to have all these urgent meetings to decide whether I was well enough to be there! I had to do some mega damage limitation and down play everything so that I didn’t lose the only thing holding me together at the moment. I had that meeting yesterday and whilst I had to pretty much lie and say I would reach out for help if I needed it, I hate the fact I even have to lie about it at all. And I’m so angry over how the mental health team have dealt with the situation, like ‘oh, you feel like killing yourself? Call 999′. Er.. ok, but all they would do is call you, and if you’re telling me there’s nothing you can do anymore, then basically you are just saying that if I want to kill myself, go ahead, no-one is going to stop me. My GP is mega pissed. My boyfriend, family and friends are mega pissed and want to write letters. I do too, but to be honest, because they’ve twisted so much to make me look like I’m overly dependant on them or whatever, been in the system too long and they’ve made me feel like a piece of shit that will just never really get better and isn’t worth the time even trying.
I’m struggling with my ED and the guilt from eating, but all they say is that I saw a dietitian back in 2012! I give up. Uni is so stressful but in a way it’s kinda keeping me going even though this depression is coming in full force at the mo.
Anyway, enough rambling. Sorry if you messaged me during my absence, I’ve not seen them til now, so if you want to message me again, feel free.
izzy806
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