Shouldve told you

Writing is safe for me, because my words will not stutter like it normally would and my lips will not quiver as I try to get the words out of my mouth. My thoughts can be conveyed clearly, and the sound of my fingertips tapping on the surface of the keyboard gives me a sense that maybe, someone out there can hear me.

[thesecondsideofme]

Fearful awakening

Today I woke up catching myself sweating heavily, clenching my fists, shaking my leg, and trying to restrain my tears as best as I could. When I took the time to calm down, I figured out the reason for my despair. I woke up realizing how scared I would be if you were not in my life anymore. Just the thought of you gone makes me an utter mess. For all these years, you have been the one that holds me together, and although I don't always treat you the way you deserve, you always stayed by my side and in the end, I learned to depend on you, maybe more than I should have...but this just makes me appreciate you more and reminds me that I should cherish every single moment I have with you, and to not take your love for granted.

[thesecondsideofme]

How do I tell him?

I would have never imagined how much you suffered. How hard it must have been to keep this big secret to yourself for all these years. There are many questions that I want to ask you, like when did you find out? How did you cope with it? Did you ever think about telling me this? Thinking about it, it must be something incredibly hard to bring up to someone, which is why I've been thinking of the right time to discuss this with you, and to tell you that I know. To tell you that I still love you no matter what kind of person you are. I accept every part of you and I will not judge you for the way you are. You might have hated yourself for this. You might have wondered "what can I do to change? What can I do to stop feeling this way?" When in reality, you don't need to change. In my eyes, you are still perfect, and I am certain that other people will think so too.

[thesecondsideofme]

My little bubble

They say I'm missing out. They say that if I go out and try things with other people, I would see things in different perspectives and know more about what I want, rather than always protecting myself in my little bubble. And you know, I've also thought about doing that. Every time I go out, I feel like I am restricting myself and limiting myself to certain experiences. Then when I go home, I feel sad and lonely, I feel like I am lacking comfort in my life, and that's just cause I'm constantly pushing people away. But I only do that because I want my first meaningful experiences to be with someone I really like, someone that actually cares about me and values our time together. But at this moment, it's hard to find someone like that. Not because I'm picky, but because I could see that the guys who like me right now are the ones that only like what they see on the surface and the good parts that I present myself with. Although some of these guys spark my interest too, I know this type of interest won't be longlasting, and will only lead to us getting hurt. So I guess I'll just have to be patient, because I'm sure that the right one is out there for me, being patient too.

[thesecondsideofme]

Admiring from afar

Have you ever met someone and think “wow, this person is too good for me.” You know he’s out of your league, but just looking at him and being near him makes you feel special. To be able to be in the same room as him, share the same activities, and sometimes even exchanging a few words already makes you feel privileged and gives you butterflies. You know that there can’t ever be something more, and you don’t really wish for that either, because you know that you will not meet his standards. You’re not really the type of girl that he would like, and that’s okay, because you’re not looking to date someone like him either. You know that being with him would make you feel flustered, inferior, and self-conscious. It just wouldn’t be compatible. But there’s no harm in fantasizing, right?

[thesecondsideofme]

Somebody asked me if I knew him. A million memories flashed through my mind but I just smile and said I used to

[thesecondsideofme]

Time to heal

Time really does help. What hurts the first day won't hurt so much the second, the third, and so on. You just have to hold on there and believe that things will get better.

[thesecondsideofme]

I don't know what's harder. To look at you and to fall deeper in love with you, or to look at you and miss you, miss us, and miss what we used to have.

[thesecondsideofme]

Why does it seem like every time I get close to someone, they leave me?

[thesecondsideofme]

Fill your mind with thoughts other than him.

[thesecondsideofme]

Be strong, move on.

It’s easy to fall back into comfort and to run back to people we are close to, even if that is not the best choice for us. We don’t care because at that moment, it feels good to us. We feel comfortable, we feel safe and we feel at ease. But it is all just an illusion. Once they leave, all we have left is ourselves and our own feelings to deal with.

Instead, we should focus on ourselves, on what we want to improve and how we can make ourselves happy without the company of somebody else. We should open ourselves to new experiences and new opportunities, find interest in new things. Rather than becoming dependent on someone for our happiness, rather than trying to hold onto what no longer exists, we need to move on. Only then will we be truly happy.

[thesecondsideofme]

Easily replaceable

I’d like to think that the relationship that we had was special. I wanted to believe that I made a difference in your life, and that I meant something to you. But to see you act the same way that you do with me with some other girl like it was a natural thing to do, I’ll admit, it kind of hurts. Seeing how you can build up the same closeness with her within three weeks compared to the three years that we've known each other makes me feel like maybe I overestimated the value of our relationship and the extent of your feelings for me. I guess it is naive of me to think of myself so highly in your eyes, to think that you would only look at me this way and to get mad when I find out that you don't. I know I have absolutely no right to be jealous. I’m being very childish, I get that. After all, I was the one who hurt you and pushed you away. I was the one who rejected your advances, and told you to move on. But I guess the part that just really hurts me is how easily replaceable I am to you, because I know for me, it won’t be easy to find someone like you. Although I couldn’t return the feelings, wasn’t what we had still something special? I still considered you my closest friend, and I formed a big attachment to you. You made a big difference in my life, and you meant a lot to me. You still do. Maybe it’s because I've gotten so used to you that now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know how to get rid of this loneliness and feeling of emptiness that’s been eating up inside of me. I just don’t want to feel that terrible feeling that I do whenever I see you with her acting all lovey dovey, but it’s hard when you both just keep on appearing in front of me. I don’t want to hear about what happens between you and her at night, but somehow I just end up finding out. The more I discover things about you and her, the more I feel like what we had wasn't so special after all. I’m sorry…I know I shouldn’t be acting this way. Do I even have a right to be hurt compared to all the pain I put you through? I should be happy. I should be happy that you were able to move on so quickly and find someone else, because that means you won’t be fixated on me anymore. That means you can get over me and move on. Yes…I should be happy…but then why does it hurt so much?

[thesecondsideofme]

I miss you

Not seeing you is harder than I thought. You come to my mind every now and then, when I least expect it. I feel sad when I think about you, because I know that we can't be the same way that we were before, at least for now. I want to spend time with you, but I can't. I want to see you so badly, but I know I shouldn't. I'm trying to do what's best for us in the long run, but it's not that easy. Although I hope that you don't see how much not seeing or talking to you affects me, a part of me wished you did. Truth to be told, it's very hard to resist the urge to talk to you, invite you out or accept your invitations. I want to check up on you, ask you how you're doing and if you're okay. But I can't...so I just hope you're not hurting as much as I am. I hope for the small chance that you didn't let me affect you as much as I think I did.

[thesecondsideofme]

Late night phone call

I came up with a reason that made sense. We talked about it, and after a long while, you accepted it, and we agreed to be friends. Everything is supposed to be fine now, but why do things feel so wrong? How come after this talk, I feel like I just lost something special?

[thesecondsideofme]

Scared

I don’t know if what we are doing is flirting, and I don’t know if I want it to be. I don't know how I should feel about our relationship, and I don't know if I should even feel anything at all. All I know is that I'm scared that I'm going to lose you. I'm scared that when the time comes, you'll realize that I'm not who you want me to be, and you'll leave me.

[thesecondsideofme]

When did it become so hard for me to say no?

I always felt that saying "no" to their advances would change the tone of our encounter, it would make things awkward and it would make them feel embarassed. So instead, I resisted them as gently as I could so that it wouldn't be obvious that I was rejecting them. I didn't want to make them feel bad, even though they were making me feel bad. I didn't want to hurt their feelings, even though what they were doing was bothering me. When am I ever going to get the courage to say no, for my own right...?

[thesecondsideofme]

Stronger

You took the parts from it that made you better, and left the parts that weren't all that important, making you question why you were hurting so much in the first place. And for that, you became a much stronger person than you ever were before.

[thesecondsideofme]

Miscommunication

I never understood you when you told me you wouldn't tell me what the problem was. In my mind, I thought: "if you couldn't tell me what was wrong, then how was I supposed to fix it?" I felt like you didn't trust me, or that you didn't think that I was capable of helping you. I never realized that in fact, you didn't want the problem to fixed, you just wanted someone to be there to comfort you and to tell you that it's going to be alright. I'm sorry that I was unable to recognize that. I'm sorry that I was unable to comfort you at the time when you needed me the most. I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better friend when you were around. I guess it's too late now...