i used to have big issues with my temper.
A big moment for me was when i realized that i enjoyed being super angry. It felt really good. And so i was actually looking for reasons to be angry.
Like, i'd be angry in my room but then there wouldn't be anything happening to sustain my anger or bring it to a satisfying breaking point, and i'd stomp out to get some water and someone would say like "what's wrong with you today?" and something inside me would go like Ah Ha! Can't I Even Get Some Water Without Being Interrogated!? and i'd let that make me feel attacked and persecuted enough for the anger to boil over because
being angry was the only time i felt powerful. Powerful enough to protect myself, powerful enough to have agency, powerful enough to scare people instead of being scared, powerful enough to do things without worrying about the consequences when i usually worried about the consequences so much that it left me unable to act.
And once i realized that, i could examine it. The anger felt good, loosing my temper felt good, it felt good the way drugs feel good, it activated the same feel good chemicals as being kissed or winning a game. It felt... righteous. empowered. alive.
I began to realize one reason i had so much trouble controlling my temper was because so much of me was actually engaged subconsciously in the opposite behavior: actively seeking it out. I wasn't going out to the kitchen for water because i was thirsty. If i truly didn't want to interact with people, i would have had a glass of water from the bathroom sink. What i wanted was an excuse to blow up.
I started to catch myself seeking anger in other ways. I discovered that one thing i would do was list reasons to be angry. Something would go wrong in my day and i'd say to myself "i'm having a bad day" and someone would do or say something that i didn't like and it would be worse because how could they do that when i was already "having a bad day" and every time something i didn't like happened i'd mentally tally all the things in my day that had Gone Wrong, going over and over that list of reasons to be angry.
Even now, sometimes i'll catch myself doing that. But now i can see it and know what i'm doing, it's like drug seeking behavior, and i can just go "ooop! you're Listing again" and think about other things instead.
There have been a lot of other realizations and practices that i used to grow out of being that person
but a big big moment for me in changing my life for the better was when i realized that my anger felt really good actually, and so i was subconsciously seeking out reasons to be angry all the time.
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
snowghoul
origamiaround
baratheonpilled
