I'm thinking about that moment in TLG when Ilya asks if Shane would choose him over hockey and Shane hesitates. Obviously there's a lot going on there and that's been discussed elsewhere in terms of Shane's fears of being outed/losing control, the way their long distance relationship means they're not communicating well enough for him to fully understand Ilya's insecurities, Shane's relationship with media scrutiny, the reality of this creature of habit suddenly confronting a decade-long habit of mutual secrecy changing...
But I've been thinking about it specifically through the lens of choosing *between* Ilya and hockey. Of divorcing Ilya from hockey, specifically, when hockey is what brought them together and is the thing they built their relationship around. When hockey is what makes Shane exciting and interesting and impressive for adrenaline-junkie Ilya...
...and when non-hockey Shane is *boring*, even according to Ilya.
When hockey defines Shane's sense of value and worth to basically everyone in his life outside of his parents (and questionable whether he truly feels that parental exception in his heart of hearts) and when hockey has *been* his entire life, his entire life's work, when his life outside of hockey is...nothing because he's never wanted or allowed himself to want anything else.
And arguably his life outside of hockey is *Ilya*...
...except hockey is the ground where he and Ilya are equals, the only true equal Shane's ever had on the ice. And it's only in front of someone who is his equal to that Shane has ever allowed himself to stop being a Good Canadian Boy and be himself. And it's only Ilya, his equal, who has *appreciated* Shane as himself. (Contrast: his teammates' reactions to his sexuality, and while I do think Hayden gets the short end of the stick there considering how much he supports Shane, its a reality that at this point in time, Shane as himself is someone who loves Ilya, which even Hayden only begrudgingly accepts.)
So when Shane struggles so much to see himself how others see him (as a total babe, admirable, aspirational) and to recognize his own worth in general to the point of undervaluing his own contributions as a hockey player when he's one of the best 2-3 in the league (because Good Canadian Boys aren't *cocky*, they're humble and bow down before the honor of having the immense pressure of embodying their national hopes and expectations), and when Shane sees so *much* of what he feels he lacks in Ilya (attractiveness, social confidence, self-confidence, self-assurance)...
...What does it *mean* to divorce Ilya and hockey? When hockey is what brought him Ilya, when hockey is what made Shane *worth Ilya's attention*, when hockey is what makes them equals.
Without hockey, Shane is...just boring, polite, awkward, no fun, a wet blanket. Without hockey he and Ilya as *unequal.* And what would that even look like for them, when their entire relationship is based on the way equality allows Shane to be himself and be appreciated for it, and as a result allows Shane to see and interact with the soft romantic Ilya beneath the cocksure attitude? How would they *be*?
Obviously there's answers to those questions, and they'll have to deal with them eventually. But I am not at all surprised Shane hesitated.
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