thethirdromantic

| thoughts captured in words |

[thethirdromantic]

Worth the Sin

I saw fires catching on us, but you said to take it slow

We are rebels of heaven

We are fallen angels

Do you believe them when they tell it so?

I’ve had three bottles of hell the second time we met

And flashbacks from five months ago

When there were golden wreaths on our heads

I wanted to take more than what I should get

Those movie nights and sleepovers

Those late night talks under covers

The holding hands in the dark

The walks in the park

Are they worth the sin?

Tell me, are you worth the sin?

Those “hit me up baby right when you wake up”

When our friends warned us to not take a shot

Still we sat right there as we watched the sun come up

Did you feel it was worth the sin?

Tell me, are you worth the sin?

I saw fires catching on us, but you said to take it slow

We know from the very start, we are cursed, this is forbidden

Is this worth the sin?

I’ll tell you now

You were worth the sin.

[thethirdromantic]

All the things I should say.

[thethirdromantic]

for a friend who’s obsessed with the color purple 💜

[thethirdromantic]

I found a love that is homeless.

[thethirdromantic]

An autobiography.

[thethirdromantic]

Gosh, confession.

Sometimes, I just want to be dark and a bitch everyone thinks I am. Just for fun.

And because I can.

[thethirdromantic]

I am my own scapegoat.

[thethirdromantic]

Love in Oz

Black shirt, City by the Bay A devil with an angel's face the best kind of cruel, the worst kind of good I think of him more than I should

A table for four, coffee for two I am in his story, I'm wearing blue Four different souls Two ex-lovers He asked me questions I failed to answer

Because what is it for me if I told the truth? Nothing has changed, nothing is new I am still the guy who's easily swooned by his voice and the way he sends me message at 11 minutes past 2

And yes, I still see him as my emerald city after a yellow brick road A deceitful adventure, treacherous and bold and though this leads nowhere, I am better off He does not need to tell me, I'll click my red shoes twice and go.

[thethirdromantic]

Sometimes, memories linger more than they should. #southlane

[thethirdromantic]

Truth Spilled

I stood there.

Told my own piece of sob story, Spoke the words I prepared the night before, as I heard the echoes I desperately tried to avoid.

“I'm fake and manipulative. It's always sunny cause I choose to ignore rains. My light came from a stolen light bulb. I play people like toys. I drink too much and I drink any time of the day. Liquor runs through my veins. I am dark in broad daylight. I steal a love and make it mine. I never learn.”

...and they told me I should be my own judge ...and they told me I should be my own lawyer so I loaded my weapon of choice and defended myself.

Then, they gave me applause and an invisible crown - beaming and studded. But I get shot by my own weapon every single night and every single time, there's pain.

Pain is what puts me to sleep along with a blanket of loneliness, along with a cushion of  guilt and shame, as i whisper in the dark my apologies, even though unnecessary and pointless and when things go quiet, i think of everything - the words said and all that were not, all that i saw and all that I pretended to witness, all the truths and as well as the lies I was forced to believe to, just so I could pretend all my wound heals just so they will not fire at me again.

In the world I created, I never long for something I couldn't have. Heartaches don't exist. I don't scatter on the floor. There are no foul rumors and truth is something I breathe in. I don't have to explain.

In my world, everything is where I want them to be - in their rightful places, in their own sacred grounds and I am sitting on my rightful throne above the clouds.

Alone. Not hearing anything. Not hearing anyone else. Just the truth. My truth.

The only truth.

[thethirdromantic]

We were bound to fail.

[thethirdromantic]

I can’t steal a love.

[thethirdromantic]

I have to write about that night.

When we drove away to the city

and I sat next to you on the backseat of the car,

When you couldn't stop telling stories and I was just there listening,

When you spoke about all of your wild adventures, and I tried to imagine what it's like with you,

When I played all of your favorite songs and you sang along to them,

When I closed my eyes and dozed off, and I heard you say I am just tired,

When we got lost along the way and we just laughed everything about it,

When you cried to a movie because it reminds you of you,

When we took the expressway back to town and there's nothing I could hear but your laugh,

When we grabbed drinks to the same bar we've been in the last days and requested the songs on our playlist,

When we played a game of pong and you just smiled over your defeat,

When I opened up about the first time we met on a party,

When you asked me about my wild past and I answered as innocently as possible,

When we teamed up over another game and got our victory,

When our friends teased about us and I just smiled,

When I kept on thinking of excuses so we could stay a little bit more,

When I wished you grabbed my hand and held it tight the whole night before we said goodbye,

And when the last thing in my mind is your face, how I wished you smiled at me and kissed me goodnight,

That's when I knew I am in a rollercoaster ride again.

That's when I knew I am starting to feel again.

[thethirdromantic]

If ever this will reach you, I’m sure you’ll know that it’s you. :)

I wish I could tell you how I always think about the first night we met. It was a hazy night in August. I was the guy in black who had too many bottles to drink. You were a familiar face in a different shade of blue, sitting two tables across. I smiled but you have your own way of introducing yourself. You came right through with a bottle of beer and to be honest, I was caught off guard. You left me speechless. You left an imprint, a mark that would just not fade. And that was just the start. I'm sure there were a lot of stories that night. Most I couldn't remember. Some, I wouldn't allow myself to tell. Sometimes I wonder, do you ever think of them too?

I wish I could tell you how I always go back to our memories, from the mundane ones to the wildest adventures we have.  I remember everything, the games, the bottle of brandy I accidentally broke, the laughs we have over our stories, the car ride at 1 am on the way home. I remember that one night in your apartment when I told you my story, my downfall, the one love I thought was going somewhere. I remember how we woke up in each other’s embrace and how I felt I was in a safe haven. But most especially, I remember the night we kiss. How could I forget it?  It is too special for me to miss. I remember looking at you and realizing that slowly, you broke the walls I build for myself. I am delicate, especially to you. Sometimes I wonder, do I have that kind of effect on you too?

I wish I could tell you everything. How you brighten up my day every time I see you. How I love hearing you call my name. How I find it cute when your eyebrows meet each time you frown. How I find it funny when you make your notes and you miswrite and you utter in disgust because you hate erasures. How I like the way you laugh. I wish I could tell you that you look more dashing without your glasses on, that you look good on your new haircut, that I love your choice of music because it's no different than mine. Also, I wish I could tell you how much it hurts when I see you hurting, when I see you in pain, and that I never wanted to see you lying in a hospital bed again. Please do take care of yourself.

You became the subject of my stories, the one I write about these days. I have been thinking about you constantly. But as much as you make me feel happy, you also make me feel afraid. This familiar feeling continues to intensify as days went by. It has come a long way from being a spark. It caught flame. It has become a firework – bright and big and shining. And that’s what scares me. I’ve been in this place before and I am sure it will never be easy, especially that I know I am not the angel you've been searching for. I am likened to a star that you missed out on looking because you stopped looking at the sky. But even so, you still mean something more to me. Sometimes, I wish you could say the same about me too.

There’s still a lot more that I wanted to say, a lot of questions I want you to ask. I'm sure you have your questions, too (especially that I never answered that one question you asked that night. sorryy). If only I have the courage. If only there were no risks. I was confused before, but now I am certain. I am sure.

Perhaps, I am sure you are the next person who will possibly break my heart.

[thethirdromantic]

Red Flags and You

        I have been thinking about things lately. The last few weeks were full of ups and downs, twists and turns, of pitchforks and crossroads, and of highs and lows. I stopped and looked back at everything I ever did and honestly, I am not even surprised that I am where I am right now. A big part of me knows that this is inevitable, that this is going to happen. It is just a matter of time.

        I knew I saw a red flag, the very first time you flashed your smile at me. You are beautiful like an angel, in a green shirt, sitting on the first row while I pushed myself at a corner. It was that night that I somehow knew I’m in for some kind of danger. But I shrugged it off anyway. So, I smiled back at you.

        I knew I saw a red flag when my phone rang to your hello. I was in a kind of bliss, reading it. Somehow, I saw in my vision that it would lead to somewhere hazy and dark, to a place of uncertainties and confusions. But that’s just one possible circumstance anyway. Why could it hurt? So, I took a chance and I replied. And it went on to catch something.

        I knew I saw a red flag when we were having our late-night conversations and I became vulnerable to you. I started to let my guard down and my walls were starting to crumble, brick by brick. I saw a warning, bold and flashing on red lights, for the very first time. But I ignored it anyway. So, we continued to play games.

        I knew I saw a red flag when we shared our first kiss. It has been a long time since the last time I saw you. I was drunk, and you were a little tipsy. We’ve been through so many things and we are not the same person that we are when we first met. You had your share of a broken romance, while I had my fair share of wild adventures.  I knew you are not going to stay any longer, but you were the risk I’m always willing to take. So, I went out from my shell and I slid in your bedsheet.

        I knew I saw a red flag when you easily come and go from my life.  No matter how many times you leave, I am always willing to open a door for you - as if you left with a goodbye, as if you didn’t hurt me, as if nothing ever happened. You are the heavy rain in a storm that I’m willing to dance under, thinking you will help me become clean and brand new. You brought me happiness and sadness all at the same time, but I took a chance. I was always willing to have one more try, again and again.

I knew I saw a red flag when I started to care so much about you that I forgot myself.

I knew I saw a red flag the moment I saw you.

I knew I saw a red flag in you, but I fell in love anyway.

[thethirdromantic]

Tonight, I Write

       Tonight, just like any other nights, you are in my head. And no, you didn’t come so easily and carefully. You came, just like in any other nights, running - all around my head, going through all the distances and crevices, seeping through all the little spaces like fluid, until you filled me, until I feel like I’m drowning of you. Maybe I am to blame because I left my doors open  and so you come in every time without knocking. But it’s okay. Putting up doors would be such a waste anyway because you are someone I will surely let in without second thoughts. You are someone I’ve waited for years so who am I to close a door for you?

       Tonight, just like any other nights, I miss you. And each passing night, it gets heavier and sadder than the night before. You are someone I want to sleep right next to each night and I want to be that someone you look for right when you wake up in the morning. Your warmth is what I look for when I wake up at 3 am and I roll upon the cold side of my bed. You are the only one I needed at cold nights and at nights I couldn’t sleep so well. Maybe it’s because I already know how it feels like to sleep right next to you, that sleeping alone becomes something I find hard to go through. Tonight, I wonder if somehow you ever feel the same too.

        Tonight, just like any other nights, I write for you. I write for you the words I’ve long kept. I write you prayers I’ve sent to heaven, messages I’ve sent to the atmosphere, and confessions I whispered to the winds hoping they will somehow reach you. Tonight, I write those that I have never written before and those that I still haven’t got the courage to send. Maybe one day, you’ll read them and maybe by then, you’ll regret you’ve kissed one hell of a romantic who loves writing about you.

       Tonight, just like any other nights, I will pray for you. Before I go to sleep. Before I will meet you again in my dreams. I’ll pray for the success of all of your endeavours. I’ll pray that you will find time to pause and think and find a speck of sunshine amidst all the dark clouds you’ll ever walk through. I also pray that you’ll find the love you truly deserve. If the love I’m giving you is not enough, I hope it’s from someone who truly and deeply loves you more than I ever really do. You deserve more and nothing less. And with that, if we both could never ever happen, I’ll pray that I’ll be strong enough to accept, let go, and go through life without clinging to the thoughts of you.

        Tonight, just like any other nights, I will continue to love you. I will think about how one love could be so real and thriving. Until I go to sleep. Until I could decide that I’m ready to face you again in my dreams. Until the lyrics of the last song I will play for tonight will stop from echoing in my mind,…in my heart.

“Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you.”

Bonne nuit.

[thethirdromantic]

Love Yourself

Undivided attention,

unconditional love,

blue skies over grey,

rainbows after rain,

sun in stormy weathers,

moon in blanketed space,

stars over dark skies,

wings for flight,

wind for your sails,

map for your trails,

waves to brought you ashore,

cover when it starts to pour,

Undivided attention,

unconditional love.

If I am willing to give all of these things to you, then maybe I'll start learning to give them to myself, too.

xoxo