Jared Kleinman gives Evan Hansen a plant for his birthday every year since 7th grade.
Words: 2,934
Warnings: like one brief/vague mention of sex
[. . .]
In 7th grade, Jared Kleinman gave Evan Hansen a plant for his birthday.
He was supposed to come over so the two of them could play video games and eat pizza until their stomachs hurt, their favorite thing to do together since forever.
But, for the first time ever, Jared had to pick Evan's gift himself, unlike every other birthday, when his mom would do it and he wouldn't even have to think about it.
And so for weeks Jared tried to think of something, but nothing seemed to come to mind. He tried making a list with everything he thought Evan would like, but ended up crossing out most items as they were either too expensive or just outright impossible to get, and the more he thought about the things he still had left on the list, the more he convinced himself that Evan wouldn’t actually like any of the options.
So he postponed deciding, because what else would he do? Then suddenly it was Evan's birthday and he was supposed to be at his place in an hour and he didn't have a gift. He started panicking as he got ready to leave, knowing not only it would be a big dick move if he showed up with nothing, but that his mom would probably murder him- but then it hit him, out of the blue: he knew exactly what the perfect gift would be.
His mom did indeed get mad at him for procrastinating until the last minute, but, still on time, Jared managed to show up at Evan's with the perfect gift in hand.
He never forgot the look of pure joy in Evan's face when he saw the cactus.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" Evan kept repeating, grabbing the plant and staring at it in awe. "Mom look!"
"It’s beautiful honey!"
"Thank you so much, oh my God!"
Jared was shocked by the amount of happiness the tiny little plant he picked up in a rush at the store was bringing his friend. He couldn’t help but feel extremely proud of himself for choosing the perfect thing.
"Oh that's fine. I uh. Remembered you said you wanted a plant a few months ago so. Yeah," he said, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.
"Yeah. No big deal," Jared said, wanting anything but for Evan to get emotional.
Evan didn’t say anything back, and Jared has ever been able to handle silence well, so obviously he started talking. "I uh. I named it uh- shit. Nevermind."
"No, what did you name it?"
"Well I was like. You know just joking about naming it with my mom and we thought Jeff would be a funny name so. But you don't have to name it that. Obviously. Or like. At all."
Evan shrugged. "I like Jeff."
“Cool.”
"Well do you wanna go play Mario Kart?" Evan blurted out after a few seconds of a really awkward silence.
"Hell yeah dude!"
In eight grade, Jared Kleinman gave Evan Hansen another plant.
He didn't exactly mean to make it a tradition. In fact, he only got Evan another plant for his birthday the next year because, once again, he couldn't decide on a gift. And so he thought that, well, considering the way Evan seemed to absolutely love Jeff (who was still very much alive, which Jared, who had let dozens of his mom's plants die before, found impossible), he would most likely appreciate another plant.
This time he got him a succulent that came in a little white vase. The moment Evan saw the plant was when Jared did decide to make it a tradition- he had no idea what the deal was with Evan and plants, but he liked that it made him happy.
"Oh my God. Another one?" Evan sounded stupidly excited.
"Yup. Thought Jeff would like some company."
"Thank you! Holy shit!"
“Evan!” Heidi yelled from her room at his cursing.
“Sorry mom!”
"You know I don't really know anything about this stuff so I got this one. I don't know if you like succulents but-"
Evan cut him off. "I love it."
"Uh, good. That's good."
Evan made way for Jared to enter. "So. Did you name this one too?" He closed the fornt door behind them.
"Not really. But we could think of something."
"Jessica?"
"Ew dude. No."
"What's wrong with Jessica?"
"What's not wrong with a succulent named Jessica?"
"Because a cactus named Jeff is pretty normal?"
Jared rolled his eyes in response. After a couple seconds in silence, his eyes went wide. "Oh shit I got it!"
"What?"
"Are you ready?"
Evan shrugged. "Shoot."
"Hear me out: Tom."
Evan laughed. "All that build-up for "Tom"?"
"Do you have any better ideas?"
Evan seemed to try to come up with something, but quit pretty quickly. "Not really."
"Tom it is!"
On Evan’s 15th birthday, Jared Kleinman gave Evan Hansen yet another plant.
He had another list, days before the actual birthday. But this time it only consisted of different types of plants. Not that he’d ever- ever- admit to absolutely anyone that he, a totally heterosexual highschool freshman, had spent hours googling different plants to try to find the perfect one to give his (also totally heterosexual) completely platonic best friend for his birthday.
He made his decision as soon as he saw the first picture of the last option on the list, even making sure to go to the store a few days in advance to see if they had it (which they thankfully did).
He picked it up, like the previous two years, right before his mom dropped him off at Evan’s (because he knew he could not be trusted to take care of it for even a day), but made sure it was in a box this time for completely selfish purposes. He would not just waste a joke.
“Hey! Are you-” Evan’s eyes landed on the small box his friend held. “Oh. Is it not a plant?” he asked him, obviously trying his hardest not to, but sounding a little bit disappointed. Jared’s heart did… something in his chest, like fucking… cartwheels or some shit.
Jared proceeded to ignore those cartwheels.
“Of course it's a plant.”
Excitement was back on Evan’s face instantly. “Oh cool! Thank you! You know I lo- uh- I really like them.”
“I was gonna say it’s no big deal but you should be so fucking grateful for this one, dude.”
“Why?”
“You’ll… see.” Jared couldn’t contain his laugh.
Evan started laughing too, but simply because of Jared’s own laughter- he still had no idea what was going on. “Dude what is it?”
“It’s um,” he cleared his throat, trying to stop laughing. “It’s called Lithops? Ever heard of it?”
Evan shook his head no, and Jared wordlessly handed him the box, now unable again to contain some pretty embarrassing-sounding chuckles. Evan opened the box and took the plant out. Now Jared was flat out cackling.
“Get it? Cause it looks like- cause it looks like a-” He couldn’t stop laughing, not able to even talk properly. Apparently only then did Evan register what was so funny about the plant, slapping Jared’s arm.
“Oh my God! No! That’s disgusting oh my God,” Evan complained, but it was obvious he was fighting a smile.
“I’m sorry!” Jared said, still laughing and very obviously not sorry at all.
When Evan Hansen turned 16, Jared Kleinman crossed out his first plant idea.
He decided to buy Evan an incredibly specific plant instead- one so specific the flower shop where he’d bought all the plants from the previous years didn't actually have it, and he had to drive across town to get it.
“Heeyyy Ev!”
“Hey. You’re… late” Evan sounded a bit disappointed, and Jared couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about it. Still, he also couldn’t help being sarcastic about it.
“Maybe I’m not. Maybe you’re just early!”
“To… my own place?”
“I’m sorry.” There was no sarcasm in his voice anymore.
“Your gift dumbass! Now normally I buy your little plant friends from this shop a couple blocks from my place BUT I really wanted to give you this one and turns out they didn’t have it so I had to drive across the city to get it from this other shop, which was kinda sketchy by the way, not gonna lie, but anyway yeah here it is!” He outstretched his hands, holding the small box with the plant inside.
Evan laughed at his lienghty explanation as he grabbed it, and started opening the box before pausing. “Wait. What’s so special about this one that you did all that to get it? If it’s another-”
“Stop being so dramatic! It’s cute I promise.”
Judging by the look on his face, Evan didn’t seem so sure, but opened it anyway.
“Oh. It IS cute! It looks like that thing that nemo lives in!”
“The… anemone?”
“I guess? I don’t know dude.”
“Well you wanna know what it’s called?”
“Here we go.”
“Don’t be a perv, Hansen! It’s nothing dirty it’s just funny!”
“Okay what is it?”
“Baby toes,” Jared announced in the same tone Evan would picture someone using to pitch a brand name idea for a CEO.
“There’s no way this is called baby toes.”
“It is!”
“You are so stupid, oh my God,” Evan said, smiling.
“I mean I’m not the one who owns baby toes, so...”
“Well what are we gonna name this one?”
“I dunno. I thought about a few names but it was for another type of plant so I don’t think it fits.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh well uh. I was actually gonna give you this one called anthurium? Is it anthurium?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well it was gonna be one of those ‘cause I thought it had like cool colored leaves but apparently the colorful parts are actually just leaf-looking flowers so. Baby toes.”
“What’s wrong with flowers?”
“Oh you know. Just like… giving a dude flowers you know. Sounds kinda uh. You know what I mean.”
Evan seemed like he was gonna push him further about it, but decided not to. Jared was more than thankful for that. “Well I liked this one. It’s pretty cute. What about Joey?”
Jared was too busy tensing up and holding his breath to properly register what Evan said. “What?”
“I said what about Joey?”
“Like from Friends?”
“I thought you hated Friends.”
“Doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about it! It’s pop culture!”
On Evan's 17th, Jared Kleinman chose Evan Hansen’s plant pretty early, and he was really proud of himself.
“Jared?” Evan asked when he opened the door. “You’re early,” he pointed out with a frown.
“Can’t a guy be early to his friend’s birthday celebration?”
“Is this about the plant you’re gonna give me?”
“Who said I got you a plant?” Jared asked exaggeratedly, hiding the box behind his back.
Evan laughed. “Okay whatever. I’m almost done. Just gotta put on deodorant and do something about my hair and we can go.” He ran upstairs, and Jared waited for him by the doorstep. After about five minutes he was back.
“Okay I’m done! We should probably get going so there’s no chance it’s sold out.”
“Dude we’re watching a Captain America movie at like 5pm I don’t think it’s gonna sell out.”
“Let’s just go.”
“Okay, fine. But first, your gift!”
“My ‘not a plant’ gift?”
“Your… ‘maybe a plant’ gift.”
Evan grabbed the box and opened it. Then he freaked out. “HOLY SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’VE BEEN WANTING ONE OF THESE FOR FOREVER! IT’S LIKE A MINI TREE!”
Jared laughed at his excitement. “Don’t get too turned on, tree boy! we still got a movie to catch.”
Evan flipped him off before carefully placing the plant on the kitchen counter. He took one more look at it before turning back around. “Okay, let’s go.”
“Not even a thank you?”
Evan said nothing, just motioning for him to move, locking the front door before they both walked to Jared’s car. He did awkwardly thank him when they got in the car.
“It’s whatever. So what are you gonna name it?”
Evan stopped to think about it for a second. “Oh! Maybe Steve?”
“You totally just thought about it because of Captain America.”
“So what?”
“So the obvious choice should be Tony!”
“I am not naming my plant Tony, Jared.”
“You’re no fun!”
He did name the plant Tony.
On their senior year, Jared Kleinman gave Evan Hansen nothing for his 18th birthday, as he saw fit.
A year later, things were going better between the two of them. Still, Jared Kleinman gave Evan Hansen nothing for his 19th birthday.
On Jared Kleinman’s sophomore year of college, he decided they were finally fine again. He got an air plant, which he didn’t even know were a thing, and planned to keep it in his room until Evan’s 20th birthday.
Evan ended up getting his plant a couple days early though, when they were just hanging out in Jared's room.
“What’s its name?” Evan asked, pulling Jared out of his own thoughts.
Jared looked up from the videogame screen. “What?”
“What’s its name?” He asked again, pointing to the tiny glass vase with a plant in it.
“No! Shit!”
“What?” Evan asked, probably scared of having done something wrong.
“You weren’t supposed to see that!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s your gift dumbass.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Well. Now that you ruined it. You like it?”
“Yeah! Air plants are pretty cool.”
“Cool.”
“So,” Evan spoke up after a few seconds of awkward silence. “What do you think I should name it?”
“Aren’t you a little bit too old to name plants?” Jared asked, mindful to emphasise his jokeful tone.
“If not me then who?” Evan asked dramatically.
“Whatever you say Mr.-I-speak-for-the-trees.”
“Oh wait I know!”
“Okay shoot.”
“Audrey II!”
“I should not have introduced you to musicals.”
“But you did.” Evan smiled. Jared didn’t like how much he liked that.
The following year, Jared Kleinman made the decision to tell Evan Hansen about the no-so-platonic feelings he realized he felt for him.
And chickened out of it.
"Are you gonna say anything?"
Evan looked up from the daisies in his hands. "What?"
"You just gonna stand there and stare at it or what?"
"These are daisies."
"Yes they are."
"These are flowers."
"I guess."
"You just gave me flowers."
"I guess I did."
"Does it… mean anything?"
Jared seemed to be taken by surprise. He didn’t expect Evan to get it so quickly, let alone be so upfront about it. So, he chickened out.
"Except just me giving you your annual birthday plant? It's your 21st it's special!"
Evan sighed. "I don't get you."
"I mean neither of us are in the closet anymore at this point so I figured like. What's the matter, ya know? That's all."
Silence.
"Okay. Sure."
"Alright."
"Her name’s gonna be Patricia by the way."
"I cannot stress enough how much I hate this decision."
"Well the flowers are mine so..."
On Jared Kleinman’s junior year of college, he smiled as he walked to Evan Hansen's dorm room with his birthday plant in hand.
He knocked on the door and waited. Evan opened it in only a few seconds. Jared noticed his hair was wet, probably just having taken a shower, and he was wearing his favorite dress shirt.
"Oh we're fancy today huh?" He raised an eyebrow and pointed at the shirt.
"Shut up. What's that?"
"You seriously need to stop asking that as if it's not gonna be a plant."
"I'm being polite!"
"Well stop! You can't be polite to me. It makes me look like an asshole."
"Maybe you're just an asshole regardless."
"Actually go back to being polite."
"Are you gonna give it to me or what?"
He faked an indignated gasp. "What kind of guy do you take me for, Hansen?"
He handed Evan the box, and both of them entered the room. Evan set the box on his desk and sat down to open it.
"Oh It's- it's an anthurium."
"Yeah. You like it?"
"I do. But…”
“But what?” Jared pursed his eyebrows together. Shit had he done something wrong? Dis Evan not like anthurims anymore or-
“Don't you think it's a little weird giving flowers to another guy?"
Jared let out the breath he'd been holding. "I will murder you."
"I'm just saying, you know."
“I literally gave you daisies last year.”
“I didn’t wanna say anything back then but like… that was kinda... you know... it was a little gay.”
"I will break up with you."
"No you won't.”
Jared couldn’t think of a funny comeback, so they just stayed in silence for a moment.
Then Evan stood up. "Thank you. Really,” he said seriously, and leaned in to kiss him. He smiled at Jared’s lack of response to it.
Jared, in turn, could barely speak, his cheeks burning an embarrassing, obvious amount. "That- that's okay-"
Evan laughed at his flustered state, which he still got into pretty often considering they’d already been together for a few months now. He decided not to tease him about it this time, grabbing his jacket instead. “C’mon we’re gonna be late.”
“I mean. Your mom won’t mind…” Jared went on, obviously not entirely serious about it since they really were almost late, but also not entirely joking. Evan found it extremely cute.
They really had to go, though. “What kind of guy do you take me for, Kleinman?” He asked, mocking what Jared had said earlier.
Jared rolled his eyes. “Okay let’s go you ruined the sexy mood.”
They both took one last glance at the anthurium on the desk before leaving.
7th grade Jared Kleinman really had no idea what he was getting into when he gave Evan Hansen that first cactus, did he?
[. . .]
A/N: You go 16 year old mars with the dead ship from the dead fandom of a dead musical! If anyone remembers this it's cause it's been on ao3 since it was written a few years ago and it's actually been posted here when i had a different blog (i was bigbilliamdenbro/marsiguess). I'll be going back to writing and posting and old writing will be tagged as from the vault! Interact and maybe even request away! I'm really glad to be back :)
synopsis: the monster trio and how they act when they're way too jealous for their own good...
characters: luffy, sanji & zoro!
warnings: a teeny tinyyy amount of swearing [:
a/n: first time writing for them so i'm pretty nervous!!! , hope you enjoy!! banner is made by me, inspired by the lovely @sixosix and the layout is inspired by the lovely @luckyscribbles <3
it was his fault! it really was.. he was the sole reason you were entertaining this way too confident guy- because he told you you were out of his league! can you believe that?! and now ZORO is throwing daggers at the poor man just with his piercing gaze alone..
ignoring zoro's needy angry glares he's sending you two, you continue charming your ... acquauntance, growing his already far too stretched ego. "oh darling, how i could melt in those beautiful emerald colored eyes of yours~" and with that sanji cringe-worthy comment you got him babbling on about himself... again.
you're getting progressively more annoyed the longer you hear him try to flirt with you. nonetheless you don't move an inch, because you know he's watching your every move; waiting for you to come moping to him about the guy. he'd feel a sense pride because you came back to him. and that pride, the face he makes whenever he turns out to be right about something, albeit it's a very handsome one, is the last thing you want to witness right now.
so you keep yourself from throwing this guy's drink in his face and telling him his cologne is absolutely murdering your sense of smelling.
you look up as you suddenly stop hearing the random guy talk about some castle garden of his. he gulps hesistantly whilst zoro stands before you, hands in his pockets. "we're leaving." no you're not! "oh zoro~ i barely-" "now." you stand up and turn to leave, but quickly turn back around and give the stranger a kiss on his cheek before leaving with zoro, causing his cheeks to change to a red-shade.
"miss! will i ever see you again?!" he asks before backing up seeing zoro's death glare. "my love, if we are meant to be we will definitely meet again!" what's up with you and these shakespear lines?
zoro gives you a slight shove with his shoulder as he rolld his eyes for what seems like the millionth time this hour. "i think i found my soulmate zoro!" you sang while you interlocked you arm with his. you were met with yet another eye-roll.
"you were the one that said he's out of my league, remember?" zoro huffs annoyed. "shit- that was a joke damn it!" "if anything you're out of his fucking league, dumbass" you lean onto him as you two continue making your way back to the going merry.
"maybe i exaggerated a bit too.." you slowly admit before hearing his usual chuckle. "just don't go flirting with some stranger again, ever. shit could've gone wrong real fast y'know?" you smile sheepishly and nod. "good thing you were there huh?"
and you could've sworn you say his cheeks turn into a rose color before he swiftly turned his head to the side, greeting sanji and nami. was he blushing..?
SANJI was this close.. this close to absolutely losing it and slicing this daring man up with zoro's swords. who does he think he is? flirtingly, charmingly speaking with his lover?! well truth be told.. you two weren't official, far from it actually;
you two were so close to finally having the months-due talk about the classic, what are we-question. but of course sanji had to hit on the waitress that casually passed your table. that was your final straw. if he couldn't stop his antics for one night, you would resume yours for good.
and oh how it made him clench his fists so hard they became white, how it made him ignore all the beautiful ladies surrounding him, for what felt like the first time ever, how he saw you with your pretty dress on, that he bought for you because it reminded him of you, sat on some navy's lap, entertaining the bastard not worhty of a single enchanting smile of yours. yet there you were smiling, no laughing at something the navy said, all while you were supposed to be with sanji. laughing at something he said, playing with his hair, sat on his lap.
he was this close to exploding and increasing his bounty a good amount by punching this navy untill his fists fell off. "sanji, don't you fucking dare." nami warned him, glaring at him from the other side of the table, not in the mood to be on the run again after finally being able to relax for a day.
sanji heard nami, he did! but the minute he saw the disgusting navy's hand run up your thigh causing you to jump off of him, he finally lost it. "keep your fucking hands off her you sewer rat!" he jumped up sprinting at the navy, his snow-white fists ready to release all the pent up anger he held.
but before sanji got to the navy he was stopped by you. your soft, slightly cold hands holding back one of his clenched fists. causing him to slowly unclench it. you tried to push sanji back, knowing his uproar would bring about another navy chasing. "you alright, love?" it's as if all his previous anger vanished the moment he felt your soft touch, smelled you sweet perfume, the moment you felt like his again. "y-yeah i'm good.. but we should get goi-"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!" the navy man roared causing the others to swiftly join the yelling. "hey aren't those those strawhat pirates with a bounty?!" from the other side of the room it felt like you could hear nami's long sigh. "see what you've done?! grab zoro, usopp and i will take luffy!" everyone complied and assumed their role.
sanji lifted his leg up ready to kick zoro awake right before you pushed him slightly making him stand on two feet again. "not doing that sanji!" he playfully rolls his eyes at your statement.
waking up zoro and running to the ship in a hurry, with a good 3 dozen navy soldiers running behind you calling you names, was the usual. but what surprised you was sanji holding your hand tightly the whole way, not letting go for a second.
once on the ship, back to sailing on the waters, while everyone was catching their breath, sanji took you aside, he interlocked your hands with his while he locked your gazes, still breathless he looks at you earnestly. his eyes illuminating the moon's glow. "i'll stop the flirting my darling, i promise. the only woman i'll charm will be you.. so you better not grow tired of it." he chuckled still a little breathless. you smiled, leaning your body onto his. "you better sanji.."
"i'm all yours sweetheart. all yours"
LUFFY felt weird. he had never met this man before, yet he suddenly has the urge to gum gum bazooka him for the rest of the day. why is he feeling this way right now? is it because he hadn't eaten yet? no that can't be it.. he just had a very good meal with you; you two had split up from the rest of the crew to have your lunch at some fancy looking restaurant on the beach.
luffy furrows his eyebrows once again because of this feeling. he figures, after a while to be completely honest, that the reason he wants to kick this man off the island is that he's taking way too long speaking with you. he's been occupying you for a good 10 minutes now.
how could he? how did he dare to take you from him so carelessly? you two were enjoying your meals, yes you were chatting about the dumbest subjects known to the world, but you were enjoying it. and then some buff man comes and dares to ask you for directions?! it would've been fine if he had left after receiving them, but no, he had to keep talking to you!
luffy was starting to see red at this point. he gets it he does, you're a beautiful woman, you're smart yet very funny, energetic and enjoyable! but you're his. even though you don't know that, even though he never told you that, you are his. and no buff, tall, slick back haired guy was going to change that one bit.
luffy dropped his food and started to walk towards the two of you, angrily eyeing the bold man who was about to get bazooka-d to some far-away island. luffy started stretching his arms, getting ready to send him off.
you notice right away and block luffy's path to the man. trying to laugh it off, you said your goodbyes to the fella and dragged luffy back to the restaurant. "what were you thinking, luff! that could've ended up horribly!" you whisper-yelled, not wanting to attract any more unwanted gazes.
"he took you from me for 10 minutes! how was I supposed to endure any longer!" luffy childishly pouts as he resumes eating. "you could've just said so! no need to bazooka anyone anywhere luf'!" his furrowed eyebrows soften as he hears his nickname.
the first time you called him that he truly hated it. "it sounds like a dog's name!" he complained. but over time, that nickname became apart of him, it was apart of his daily routine; he'd wake up to it, adventure the world with it, buy groceries with it, hear scolds with it. he became one with that silly nickname you gave him, and he wouldn't give that three-letter name up for the world. he wouldn't be able to go a day anymore without hearing you talking about how "the seashells here are so pretty luf'!", or how "i just love it when it's only you and i, luf'," and let's not forget you waking him up with the usual "luf'! sanji finished breakfast, get up already!".
"you can't go off with weird men. i won't let you.. you shouldn't leave my side for some guy that doesn't even know where he's headed!" you chuckle at his remarks. "i wouldn't leave you for anyone luf'! just.. don't bazooka someone next time.. just talk to me."
"you're mine y'know.." luffy tells you while he's munching on some of his cold meat. your eyes widen at his sudden words. "w-what?" "i said you're mine!" he says louder, a little annoyed thinking you hadn't heard him the first time. "you never said that before.."
"never needed to," he takes another bite. "but you are, so don't forget that!" he furrows his eyebrows again while saying that earning a chuckle from you. "i won't.. don't you worry"
NOTE: and that's for my first one piece ficcccc!!!
It’s my opinion that like if a white supremacist/Nazi is going to be reformed. They need to do so willingly. The only times I’ve heard of successful rehabilitation of fascists is when they made the conscious decision to no longer be one anymore and seek atonement. People who try to like hug and change fascists that don’t want to change are fucking morons
Correct. I was crypto-facist for a few years, and the people trying to hug me didnt change me because at that point I wouldnt have listened. It was only when I started to see the movement for what it was that I was finally able to listen.
Yeah trust me it *is* horrifying. I’m ashamed of who I was and I think my only atonement is to talk about how damn easy it is to become one when you’re young.
This is gonna be a long post.
For a little bit of background, I am a mixed race person, half brown and half white. I was raised in a Muslim family and am still closeted around them.
I started to have issues with Islam at around 12 or so, when I first started to get the idea that I might be gay. Now I never would have admitted that was my reason. If you had asked me I probably would have said “logic” or something. Because of that I went hard into atheism and atheist circles.
Now people hate to admit this but ex-Muslim spaces are predominantly right wing. Ex-Muslims often see the left as “too tolerant” towards a religion that hurt them. This was the only community I had though, and I read through everything. I was 13.
The other thing that people hate to admit is that, especially when you’re young, being mixed race is so damn hard. If I acted “too white”, following my mother’s German/Austrian traditions, I was accused of hiding my true nature. But if I acted “too brown” I was just another camel jockey. So I hid my “Indian” customs from others and tried passing as white. Especially online.
So I’m not saying this is all youtube’s fault or anything. I was raised to believe that the brown half of my family was lesser and stupid. And with my hatred of Islam, I believed it doubly.
Then came Anita Sarkeesian. I was watching pewdiepie and from there my recommendations were all set. If I’m remembering the pipeline it was pewdiepie - Philip Defranco - Chris Ray Gun (sp?) - Thunderfoot - Sargon - etc. But I was pretty much acquainted with all of the right wing youtube of the day.
Funnily enough, I found her through Thunderfoot. That got me into antifeminism, and more specifically, GamerGate.
I was primarily on the subreddits KIA (Kotaku In Action) and TIA (Tumblr In Action). Both made fun of the SJWs. I kid you not, I would gleefully wait for “Sanity Sunday”, where the people would talk about how feminism is disgusting, cultural appropriation is fake, the wage gap isnt real, etc. I would scroll through this tag for hours.
I got most of my youtube recommendations from those subreddits. This led me from GamerGate to more fascist lines of thinking, such as watching videos about why BLM is a terrorist organization, why all muslims were evil rapists, and why I was fundamentally right to reject my Indian heritage and follow my “correct” heritage.
From here I delved into “race realism”, and I believed it all. I had to. This was the only community I had felt safe in. One of the fash guys even offered to shack me up at his house if my parents kicked me out for being atheist. I was 15.
To say that again, I was 15 and believed that white was right, blue lives matter, “we wuz kangs”, etc. I never would have called myself a fascist or a Nazi. How could I? I used my brown skin as a token, so that people could point to me and say: “See, we aren’t misogynistic and racist! We have this brown girl right here.” But I believed in all the things the Nazis did. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t. I will never pretend I didn’t.
But then something happened. I admitted to myself, and to a few others, that I was gay. And suddenly, the homophobia that I had molded myself in, it didn’t fit right. I happened to, by accident, click on the reddit thread of GamerGhazi, the opposition to GamerGate. And after a long bout of introspection I found out that they were accepting of gay people, that the things I had been experiencing were common, that maybe, just maybe, we didn’t need a white ethnostate.
I don’t want to be dramatic but that accidental click saved my life.
From there it was a road of recovery. I deleted all my old accounts, made new ones, and started to read leftist theory. I found better friends, cut out old people. So now, just about two years later, I’m healing.
I think that’s everything. I probably got some times and dates wrong because I’ve been trying to move on from it. But if you need more info or anything like that, please let me know.
Surgeries and operations are being cancelled on the day of the queen’s funeral. These patients will have been on a waiting list for months if not years.
origamiaround
andulkaphoto
titsay
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
blakekathryn
annaxmalina
