See, the thing about Ryan Leonard is that there is a part of him, deep and sharp and raw, that hates Will. Not in the way you dislike someone you find mean or annoying or boring, but in the way you hate someone for making you love them. Because he did love Will—does love Will, probably, because you don't ever really stop loving someone like that, not when you grew up together and knew each other's worst parts and loved them anyway.
The worst part is that Ryan never wanted to love Will, it was a bloody ruthless battle against himself the entire way down. No, Ryan Leonard learned very early on the cardinal rules and loving Will broke the most important of them: do not be soft, do not love a boy, and do not love someone more than they love you. The first—do not be soft—Ryan broke before he knew the game. He was the youngest of four, the age difference too large to ever truly be friends with his siblings, and his parents had spent whatever nurturing energy they may have once had on his sisters. They loved him, of course, but not always in the way he needed, and it had fostered in him a bone-deep ache to be loved. He'd always wanted so desperately, his entire soft heart bleeding with it even as a kid.
And maybe John had known, and that was the reason he’d push and shove and hit until Ryan fought back, until he learned how to give as good as he got even when he was smaller and weaker. Maybe that had been why he’d shot puck after puck after puck at him in the basement, until Ryan was on his knees, exhausted, but able to dodge what he could and take what he couldn't. He learned to bare his teeth and sharpen his edges, even if he never quite managed to fully hide his soft underbelly where his desperation to be seen, to be wanted, to be loved could be found.
Friendship with Will was easy. He gave his attention so freely when they were just stupid kids, and Leno was greedy with it. He still had to work for Will's love—because in Leno's world you always have to work for it—but it was easy to do. Will liked his rough edges, his crude jokes, his physicality. Ryan became his protector, fighting for him on the ice and off of it, and in return he gained Will's affection. In time, Leno realized that Will's affection also came with his family, who were so unlike Leno's own that at first he'd been convinced it must all be fake—but it wasn't. Like Will, the rest of the Smith's were open with their affection. They welcomed him into their home easily and remembered his favorite games and foods, folding him in like he'd always been there. When he and Will were both recruited by the program, Colleen acted as though him living with them in Plymouth instead of with some strangers was a no brainer, because he was like a second son to her.
Living together meant that Ryan learned everything about Will. Late nights when Will would sneak into Leno's basement bedroom and they'd stay up whispering about the future. Will would share his dreams and fears in equal measure, all of the things he didn't even talk to Voter about because it was becoming more clear that Voter might not make the show and Will felt guilty sharing his own fears. For the first time there was something Will chose Leno for over everyone, and it was honest and real—Leno knew, because he'd had to earn it. That was when Leno began to love Will.
He never did come to understand how Will could be so good, so unbelievably talented, and still be so soft. Didn't you ever learn to hide it? Don't you know they'll use it against you? But Will stubbornly refused to change, so Ryan continued to be his protector. He wasn't the only one who knew how special Will was, and the others were protective too. Will shared his affection with them as easily as he once had with Leno, but they didn't know every part of Will like Leno did. They didn't see Will crying after a one-on-one with Culik or shaking under the covers the night before they were supposed to fly out for U18 worlds, that was only in front of Leno, and he loved Will for it. He loved him even more when he committed to BC, just like Ryan had.
Together, they convinced Gabe to join them, and Leno loved being a part of something with them, loved being a member of a unit. Things weren't quite the same at BC, but things were still good. 6934, the best line in college hockey. They were going to win it all, add to the collection they'd started with their U18 Worlds gold medals from just before the draft. They were electric together, like they'd always been, and they added another gold to their shared collection in January, then the Hockey East title at the end of March, and Leno was filled with more happiness than he'd ever thought possible, so much of it thanks to Will. Six points, Will with a fucking dick trick, and Leno was fucking in love with him.
And then it all fell apart. They lost the title in a shut out and Will yanked Leno up off the ice, as though Leno's heartbreak was something to hide—and it was, Ryan knew, when had he forgotten that? and then Leno and Will got calls from USA Hockey that Gabe didn't get and Will was acting cagey and distant and he didn't look Ryan in the eyes when he asked if Will wanted to stay up late to watch the draft lottery. They lost and returned home without a medal and then, as though he wasn't breaking a promise that Ryan had thought was sacred, Will looked at him across the breakfast table in the Smith residence and said he wasn't coming back, that he was going to sign his ELC. All of it, for nothing.
Betrayed and hurt and abandoned, Ryan Leonard did what he always did: lashed out, hiding his hurt behind sharp claws, cutting where he knew it would hurt. In the wreckage, he realized he loved Will. Leno had gotten the same offer and had chosen to keep his promise, to stay, because he loved him. It was a horrible, terrifying realization, because it broke the other two rules—do not love a boy and do not love someone more than they love you—because Will didn't love him, not like Ryan loved Will. If he had, then how could he break that kind of promise and leave him like it was nothing? So, he hates him and loves him. Ryan doesn't know how to forgive Will for any of it—for making him love him, for not loving him back, for leaving—even if sometimes, especially as time has passed, Leno wishes he could. Because underneath all of that tangled up inside him, sometimes he just really misses his best friend.
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