It’s getting bad again. Scattered fragmented thoughts floating through my mind like flies whirring around rancid rotten meat. Just as erratic, just as unsettling. Rotating through each app, a pit in my stomach. Searching his name, his likes, his follows… she has pretty blue eyes and hair just how he likes.. she has pretty tattoos… he would like her. My stomach sinks further. Copy.. paste.
More apps, more search bars. Scroll, scroll, tap.
“Liked by…” hands go cold. My gut saying this is just the tip of the iceberg but my rational mind thinks this is just crazy. It's just crazy right?
“Why am I like this?? Why are MEN like this??” echoes in my head, behind the sound of my ears ringing and the rumbling of tears welling up in my head. I want to tear my hairs out by the roots.
“Would being alone be easier?”
”Story books did nothing but set us up for disappointment”
“Would I be happier?”
I start to spiral.
“Men don’t love they only lust”
Shhhh. My mind shushes itself like a sad mother comforting a worried child whose fears are all too valid. I so desperately want to protect her, the little girl who still lives in me.
Trying to refrain from becoming jaded in today’s world is starting to leave me a dissociative shell.
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