The punchline of this comic is the truest thing to ever exist.
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.
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Cosmic Funnies
Stranger Things
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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styofa doing anything
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trying on a metaphor

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d e v o n
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Origami Around
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izzy's playlists!

shark vs the universe

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@thevolk56
The punchline of this comic is the truest thing to ever exist.
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.
i have a hot take about vine and tik tok if you allow me
vine’s entire concept was “show don’t tell” while tik tok’s entire concept is “tell don’t show”
might risk sounding like an Old Fart but i want to elaborate what i mean:
sometimes i will see Tiktoks that are just people talking to a camera about a thing that happened to them and then at the end… won’t even show the thing they’re talking about. they’re just talking to a camera. that or the few staged jokes take waaaaaay too much time to get to the punchline, and the punchline isn’t even funny (and the acting is bad)
meanwhile on vine, you only had 7 seconds, and in 7 seconds you could have anything happen, and a dude said “back at it at krispy kreme” and did backflips and kicked out a sign in his final flip and the video just cut with no explanation, and it was the greatest vine on earth
1) As a former sailor here’s my hot take on the stuck boat in the Suez. I’m actually in admiration of the skill of whoever did this. They managed a crash in one of the busiest water ways and all they damaged was a wall. No lives lost. No other boat involved, no damaged cargo. A+
2) Lemme tell you about pilots. Pilots are tug boats or crew who lead you through challenging passages. Usually harbours or narrow water ways. The Suez requires you to hand over control of your boat to a government endorsed pilot crew. Some pilots are great. Suez Pilots are not
3) they don’t protecc. They don’t atacc. Mainly they sleep and snacc. Yep. The Suez takes roughly 13 hours for a big ship to navigate. I have yet to hear of a diligent Seuz pilot who actually stayed at the helm even half that time. And pilots are not free. We pay extra for them
a small private boat pays $500-1000 US. The #EVERGIVEN this would be over $10,000 US for the pilot crew alone on top of the $100,000 to use the canal. And the pilot crew are mandatory. Considering how much shipping goes through the suez, how are their bad pilots still not known?
So #EVERGIVEN got stuck in a sand storm with 40kt gusts&no visiblity. This is totally enough to blow them off course&disorient them, they’d be working off radar and sonar. Factor in possible confusion of who was responsible for driving, the pilot of the officer of the watch?
The #EVERGIVEN officer’s concerns went like this -my crew -my ship -other ships -my cargo definitely not holding up global shipping traffic. And probably not that wall they hit with the part of the hill that’s reinforced. The fact that they ran aground without damaging cargo?
A+ #EVERGIVEN Officer & #Evergreen crew. I am truly amazed at your soft landing. I’m sorry no one is talking about the low quality Suez pilot crew who was supposed to be driving (I’m sorry to the good Suez pilots, I know you’re out there somewhere not napping & working hard)
Considering 10% of the world’s shipping traffic goes through the Suez, the fact that government endorsed mandatory suez pilots are negligent& harsss female crew in one of the world’s busiest canals should be known outside the boating world. Good luck #EVERGIVEN, you can do it!
Send help I’ve been laughing for 15 minutes the internet killed my sense of humor
I was expecting exactly that and was not disappointed
Nobody:
White bearded dudes creating a logo:
the sheer mercilessness of the internet hype for this movie keeps getting funnier
Do you think Cruella deVil effectively utilized girl power when she tried to skin 99 puppies for fur coats?
That’s not a cursed image
Chess v2.001 Patch Notes
- Fuck pawns knights bishops and kings
- Rooks go hog wild
Bishops trying to catch up
Fallout: New Vegas (2010)
There’s a theory that early Europeans started saying “brown one” or “honey-eater” instead of “bear” to avoid summoning them, and similarly my friend has started calling Alexa “the faceless woman” because saying her true name awakens her from her slumber
English has an avoidance register used in the presence of certain respected animals, which sounds fancy until you realize it’s spelling out w-a-l-k and t-r-e-a-t in front of the dog.
Mx. Leah Velleman on twitter
Icelandic folklore requires you avoid saying the names of evil whales, otherwise you’ll draw their attention.
Yall have evil whales?
Iceland does! They are the illhveli, literally “evil whales”, and they live to kill you. They love nothing more than killing and eating humans and sinking their ships. Their greatest enemy is the steypireydur (that’s blue whale to you), which is the greatest of the good whales and the protector of sailors.
All evil whales are, well, evil. So evil that if you speak their name at sea, they will hear it and home in on you. So instead you use all sorts of euphemisms for their names. Also if you try to cook their meat it literally disappears from the pot. That’s right, they’re so evil, you can’t even eat them.
They include such types as the hrosshvalur (horsewhale), with big eyes and a red mane and tail. This is probably the best known and most feared of the lot.
The raudkembingur (redcomb) is especially cruel and bloodthirsty even by illhveli standards. If you manage to escape it, it will die of frustration.
Good luck escaping the mushveli (mousewhale) though, it has legs! And will clamber onto the beach in pursuit!
Or what about death from above? The stökkull (jumper) leaps high into the air and pile-drives boats to pieces.
Meanwhile the skeljungur (shellwhale) sits in the path of boats and lets them get wrecked on its shelly hide…
… while the sverdhvalur (swordwhale) slices through boats with its dorsal fin.
The katthveli (catwhale) is relatively harmless though. It meows.
The same can’t be said of the lyngbakur (heatherback), a classic island fish that lets sailors get on its back and then dives, taking them to a watery grave.
The nauthveli (oxwhale) on the other hand specially targets cattle, attracting them into the sea with its bellow before tearing them apart.
How can you avoid all these murderous whales, like the taumafiskur (bridlefish) here? Any of a number of ways, including getting a steypireydur to help. There are substances, ranging from angelica to sheep dung and chopped fox testicles, that they find abhorrent. And you can distract them with loud noises and barrels.
For more, I assure you this link will answer all your questions.
https://abookofcreatures.com/category/illhveli/
Posts about Illhveli written by abookofcreatures
Mamma Chicken vs Hawk
this is blatently staged. it's hard to get a screenshot, but the hawks wings are either partially clipped or damaged, as it couldn't fly away.
the things that ticked me off are 1. the fucking MUSIC. 2. the recorder made no effort to stop it 3. the location the hawk came from is off-screen. it looks like it was tossed down on to the chicken, and although nothing got hurt, this is needless endangerment of both the chicken, chicks, and the hawk. I wouldn't be surprised if this came from one of those fake rescue YouTube channels. this is ridiculously cruel.
also, at y'all saying "it's no surprise chickens are descended from dinosaurs!" - they're not descended from dinosaurs! they ARE dinosaurs, as is the hawk. all birds are dinosaurs. just a fun fact to finish off a horrible post
1. Music is added in post. You can have multiple audio channels while editing a video
2. Wings are not clipped, it’s clearly molting
3. It wasn’t tossed, the shadow shows it coming out of a dive maneuver before the hawk itself comes into frame
4. If it had been tossed, it wouldn’t be aiming for one of the chicks in particular.
Looks like an inexperienced young predator bit off more than it could chew and panicked. Taking off from the ground isn’t that easy, especially while your head feathers are getting yanked out and you’re being beaten by wings, it was trying to get some distance before flying upwards and it didn’t work out well.
One could argue it’s suspicious that the person just happened to be filming at the right moment and calmly captured the whole encounter instead of flailing the camera around, yelling, or intervening, but that’s hardly proof of anything. Some people are just unflappable.
Anyway, literally every single one of the arguments you made was bullshit.
alright, so I went out of my way to find the source video because I like to believe the best in people/situations. unfortunately, you're wrong. here is the video: https://youtu.be/N6Jy5Z5iBto
and here is a screenshot of the channels most recent uploads:
I was right on the mark: it's one of those fake rescue channels done for easy money. there are countless of these going around, and I had two other videos on different channels featuring (potentially) the same bird. this should be the end of this response as it's self explanatory but I'll go into more detail in case people aren't aware. these videos are blatently staged, often reusing the same animals and showcasing completely improbable circumstances. the situation of a hawk diving on chickens is not particularly unusual so it makes sense nobody would bat an eye, but it doesn't change the fact that that bird was not diving, it was either tossed or trying to come down from a higher perch. either way, the bird is incapable of flying, either because of a poor moult, or more likely, intentional tampering.
moulted feathers is one thing, but the existing feathers are extremely damaged. not only that, but throughout the video, the bird is clearly in distress, mouth wide open with tongue sticking out. it is either overheating, extremely stressed out, or both. the poor feather condition also implies heavy handling.
This video is 100% staged, as is every other video on this channel, but in a situation where a domestic animal is under attack, who the fuck sits and records it up to 5 minutes following, and then edits it and adds dramatic music in post? it's one thing if it's wild animals doing wild animal things, but this is a (poorly kept not wild) young crested hawk-eagle and chickens. and again, for any doubts, the same species if not individual is featured in several other videos doing similar shit being thrown at defensive chickens for quick clicks, such as this one, where there is even less effort made to hide the fact this bird has no fucking wing feathers anymore (hawks do not have simultaneous moults)
and, for comparison, a healthy crested hawk-eagle, with normal wings:
I will finish the post with this video by Mike Dane going over some of the more 'blatent' animal abuse produced by these channels (since people love to brush up animal cruelty if it's to birds) as the final nail in the coffin: https://youtu.be/Uol7XGAZ4go
If you dare come at me about banning straws, I will throw you into the sun cannon. I’m disabled, I’m crippled, I need disposable plastic straws, and all those pricey ridiculous alternatives aren’t working as well. Plastic straws were invented for the disabled.
Way to shit all over a vital access need because you think straws are worse than corporate greed.
We all care about the turtles, the seals, the oceans, obviously. Notice how the easiest thing to yell about was something that would barely affect anything but appealed heavily to emotional discourse.
The disabled community is huge, and it can be joined by anyone. Most of those As Seen On TV products were invented for us. Society still mocks us and ignores us, and often outright harms us in multiple ways.
Communicate better. Listen better. But stop putting us out in the cold because you are inconvenienced by our simplest needs.
Straws aren’t killing the planet, its animals, or people. They’re a microscopic fraction of an iota of a percentage of the problem. You want to do something? Ban plastic fishing nets. Anything else is just a hollow feel-good gesture at the expense of real living disabled people.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/03/great-pacific-garbage-patch-plastics-environment/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/ocean-plastic-fishing-waste_n_5bc47dc9e4b0bd9ed55c1f60
i have an environmental degree and i’ve been saying this since this straw ‘debate’ started: its all a tactic by those in power to distract people’s attention from bigger issues such as fishing waste. don’t fall for it. and don’t be a dick to disabled people who need straws to make their lives easier.
Astronaut readjusts to life back on Earth
> Don’t give him a baby for a while.
HE GRABS THE CUP BUT THEN HE DROPS THE PEN 0.0003 SECONDS LATER
AND HE LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING INSTEAD OF AT THE GROUND WHEN HE CAN’T FIND THEM
I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING HE JUST DROPS IT
IT’S NOT FUNNY IT’S VERY LOGICAL THAT HE WOULD HAVE ADJUSTED TO LIVING LIFE WHILE HE WAS IN SPACE BECAUSE IT’S DIFFERENT FROM EARTH BUT I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE
*THUNK*
i love it so much every time i see it
“ugh stupid gravity”
IM FUXKING CSHAKING
I haven’t seen this post on my dash in *years* bless this
Bless, this is absolutely amazing
I love this. It’s so gestural and he’s so exasperated about gravity.
The perfect comedic timing of the NASA logo.
apparently this is a thing in Japan too, and it gets translated as “Mundane Halloween.” There are so photos online and they’re all so good?????
“Person going to work on a windy day"
“Woman who’s having her bang cut but the hairdresser is nowhere to be found"
"Zookeeper in charge of the pandas"
Here are two more:
"Not pregnant lady when someone yield seat to her on subway"
And my favorite
"Person on thermal infrared camera"
Might share more tomorrow.
Influencers taking selfies at a gym
Starbucks barista working her ass off on Halloween but gotta keep up that smile
Person who sits on wet paint
Person who's still loading
Boyfriend carrying girlfriend's shopping bags
I love these so much
HERE’S THE THING THOUGH
I used to work for a call center and I was doing a political survey and I called this number that was randomly generated for me and the way our system worked was voice-activated so when the other person said hello you’d get connected to them, so I just launch right into my “Harvard University and NPR blah blah blah” thing and then there’s this long pause and I think the person’s hung up even though I didn’t hear a click
And then I hear “you shouldn’t be able to call this number.”
So I apologize and go into the preset spiel about because we aren’t selling anything, etc. etc. and the answer I get is
“No, I know that. What I mean is that it should be impossible for you to call this number, and I need to know how you got it.”
I explain that it’s randomly generated and I’m very sorry for bothering him, and go to hang up. And before I can click terminate, I hear:
“Ma’am, this is a matter of national security.”
I accidentally called the director of the FBI.
My job got investigated because a computer randomly spit out a number to the Pentagon.
This is my new favourite story.
When I was in college I got a job working for a company that manages major air-travel data. It was a temp gig working their out of date system while they moved over to a new one, since my knowing MS Dos apparently made me qualified.
There was no MS Dos involved. Instead, there was a proprietary type-based OS and an actually-uses-transistors refrigerator-sized computer with switches I had to trip at certain times during the night as I watched the data flow from six pm to six AM on Fridays and weekends. If things got stuck, I reset the server.
The company handled everything from low-end data (hotel and car reservations) to flight plans and tower information. I was weighed every time I came in to make sure it was me. Areas of the building had retina scanners on doors.
During training. they took us through all the procedures. Including the procedures for the red phone. There was, literally, a red phone on the shelf above my desk. “This is a holdover from the cold war.” They said. “It isn’t going to come up, but here’s the deal. In case of nuclear war or other nation-wide disaster, the phone will ring. Pick up the phone, state your name and station, and await instructions. Do whatever you are told.”
So my third night there, it’s around 2am and there’s a ringing sound.
I look up, slowly. The Red phone is ringing.
So I reach out, I pick up the phone. I give my name and station number. And I hear every station head in the building do the exact same. One after another, voices giving names and numbers. Then silence for the space of two breaths. Silence broken by…
“Uh… Is Shantavia there?”
It turns out that every toll free, 1-900 or priority number has a corresponding local number that it routs to at its actual destination. Some poor teenage girl was trying to dial a friend of hers, mixed up the numbers, and got the atomic attack alert line for a major air-travel corporation’s command center in the mid-west United States.
There’s another pause, and the guys over in the main data room are cracking up. The overnight site head is saying “I think you have the wrong number, ma’am.” and I’m standing there having faced the specter of nuclear annihilation before I was old enough to legally drink.
The red phone never rang again while I was there, so the people doing my training were only slightly wrong in their estimation of how often the doomsday phone would ring.
Every time I try to find this story, I end up having to search google with a variety of terms that I’m sure have gotten me flagged by some watchlist, so I’m reblogging it again where I swear I’ve reblogged it before.
But none of these stories even come close to the best one of them all; a wrong number is how the NORAD Santa Tracker got started.
Seriously, this is legit.
In December 1955, Sears decided to run a Santa hotline. Here’s the ad they posted.
Only problem is, they misprinted the number. And the number they printed? It went straight through to fucking NORAD. This was in the middle of the Cold War, when early warning radar was the only thing keeping nuclear annihilation at bay. NORAD was the front line.
And it wasn’t just any number at NORAD. Oh no no no.
Terri remembers her dad had two phones on his desk, including a red one. “Only a four-star general at the Pentagon and my dad had the number,” she says.
“This was the ‘50s, this was the Cold War, and he would have been the first one to know if there was an attack on the United States,” Rick says.
The red phone rang one day in December 1955, and Shoup answered it, Pam says. “And then there was a small voice that just asked, ‘Is this Santa Claus?’ ”
His children remember Shoup as straight-laced and disciplined, and he was annoyed and upset by the call and thought it was a joke — but then, Terri says, the little voice started crying.
“And Dad realized that it wasn’t a joke,” her sister says. “So he talked to him, ho-ho-ho’d and asked if he had been a good boy and, ‘May I talk to your mother?’ And the mother got on and said, ‘You haven’t seen the paper yet? There’s a phone number to call Santa. It’s in the Sears ad.’ Dad looked it up, and there it was, his red phone number. And they had children calling one after another, so he put a couple of airmen on the phones to act like Santa Claus.”
“It got to be a big joke at the command center. You know, ‘The old man’s really flipped his lid this time. We’re answering Santa calls,’ ” Terri says.
And then, it got better.
“The airmen had this big glass board with the United States on it and Canada, and when airplanes would come in they would track them,” Pam says.
“And Christmas Eve of 1955, when Dad walked in, there was a drawing of a sleigh with eight reindeer coming over the North Pole,” Rick says.
“Dad said, ‘What is that?’ They say, ‘Colonel, we’re sorry. We were just making a joke. Do you want us to take that down?’ Dad looked at it for a while, and next thing you know, Dad had called the radio station and had said, ‘This is the commander at the Combat Alert Center, and we have an unidentified flying object. Why, it looks like a sleigh.’ Well, the radio stations would call him like every hour and say, ‘Where’s Santa now?’ ” Terri says.
For real.
“And later in life he got letters from all over the world, people saying, ‘Thank you, Colonel,’ for having, you know, this sense of humor. And in his 90s, he would carry those letters around with him in a briefcase that had a lock on it like it was top-secret information,” she says. “You know, he was an important guy, but this is the thing he’s known for.”
“Yeah,” Rick [his son] says, “it’s probably the thing he was proudest of, too.”
So yeah. I think that might be the best wrong number of all time.
Source: http://www.npr.org/2014/12/19/371647099/norads-santa-tracker-began-with-a-typo-and-a-good-sport
OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS.
I’ve seen the first post a bunch of times, but never the story of How The Santa Tracker Started.