Songs They Taught Me

[theysongs]

The first thing I noticed was the back of their head, the way the hair blended perfectly from smooth skin into the cutely ruffled and graspable top. Sometimes I think I prefer looking at people’s backs, they’re easier to objectify, a thing I’m fucking, a mindless pleasure toy. Then they turned, and all that fled as I felt a pull in my chest that I couldn’t fight. Not your kind of beauty, probably, but mine, a fierce softness in their eyes that seemed to know instinctively which stare had been prickling their neck. An appraisal, a sniffing of auras, are you one of me? I moved towards them, fuck, their crooked smile, too easy for me to slide into… don’t fall, you can’t take it again, just be normal, try, don’t talk about what their boots are doing to you, don’t say that their hair is your favourite colour, don’t be weak I tried forced my body language to show my dominant side, but with a potential to switch, if they were into that. It probably looked as awkward as everything I do. "You're a friend of Bri?" I hoped the mutual connection hadn't been bitching about me. "Sure, we've been working on a zine together, you?" "Yeah, yeah, we did a few shows together." Their look was amused, used to being hit on, impossible to say if they wanted anything to happen. don't tell them you want to smell their shoulders as they fall asleep "Would I have seen any of your... stuff?" Gross, what the fuck did I say that for. "Maybe, yeah," They offered a card, I took it, they walked off. come back! I need to stroke your neck! I can't live unless I...

[theysongs]

a psychedelic, flickering effect, like floating coloured inkblots overlaid on the scene, you can only see things through patches, but it gets clearer eventually, and there are just the odd sections that don't quite fit, although occasionally things will flicker into the effect again. so it's in a park, nothing that amazing, apart from how the effect makes everything seem sunnier and more dreamlike. There's someone laying down, arms behind their head, looking up at the camera, that's high enough that it doesn't seem to be a point of view of someone looking at them, this is important, we need to know they're alone. They're androgynous of course, but not some pretty type, looks like they go into the woods and take drugs rather than trying to please anyone. oh yeah, there was always music playing, but layered, a few different tracks, they fit together but are obviously separate, maybe something folky, something with an eastern european sound, singing without words, and an electronic, pared down, dubby track. Whatever, something. Washing in and out like the visuals. the camera pans around them, one shot, but fluid, probably from a drone or something, they're talking, they've been talking for a while now, quietly, a rambling poem that breaks down into conversations where they're doing both parts, I'll write this later, easy enough a bird falls out of the sky and lands next to them. They close their eyes and get up.

[theysongs]

A rainbow, eyes turn Butterfly spun pylons Watching lights  Entangled flickers Head heart body Where we meet, an opening Unbounded Root operations Fingers on lips Secret games with senseless objects Silent screaming The unspeakable Unbounded Prememory desire Winking mouthless Monsters leashed and holding hands and letting go Makes everything float Unbounded Love splashes on glossy pink fields Spike furred kittens The new plastic army No more secrets in bodies fluid and Unbounded

[theysongs]

I'd been on the couch all day and I realised my hand was starting to go numb from being held up above my head so I could look at it. I let it flop over my eyes and it didn't seem important to move it. The meds made my thoughts dreamy and scattered and I could easily get lost in them for hours. I wished I could get them out in any way other than as songs, but when I tried to speak to others there was a lack of urgency, and I'd be drifting off into new thoughts before I was able to articulate anything. It made me feel stupid even though I knew I wasn't, and I was glad I had them to bully me into doing anything with my life, or I could easily just have ended up vacantly laying down somewhere and never getting up again. "Hey, idiot, move your ass," they snarled as they came in the room, and I felt like I'd been kicked in the belly, with the hot, complicated rush of emotion that caused. I tried to smile, the grimace of a broken puppy hoping to not be beaten for real. They plugged in their bass without looking at me, did we have a rehearsal planned? I assumed they knew what was going on and dragged myself vertical, but everything started spinning and I fell back down again. Had I eaten anything today? I pulled out some more pills and swallowed them dry. That would have to do. A synth was just in reach so I pulled it towards me and started playing as best I could from my prone position. They turned and scowled, but their face softened when I started singing, it was the only thing that ever soothed the furrows in their brow and I was grateful beyond belief to be able to offer them that peace. Everything was OK when we played music together. It made all the pain worth it. All too soon they were too drunk to keep going, and any sweetness in their gaze was extinguished. I'd long ago accepted that I preferred the intensity of this dead, evil gleam in their eyes to whatever weak glimmers I saw in anyone else's. My mouth gaped as I tried to express this to them somehow, knowing nothing would come out but a whimper. Their fist lashed out at me and I flinched away, although I longed for any contact from them in some dark part of me that I hated. "Fucking dimwit, when are you going to learn how to play?" Their contempt filled my veins with a warm happiness, any attention, any attention, ah god how I loved any attention at all. They loomed over me, seeming huge, powerful, I felt like a helpless child at their mercy, and this was perfect. Their mouth parted and their tongue moved strangely, I felt my lips gently pout, but instead of a kiss, they unleashed a thick stream of spit into my hopeful orifice. It was better than I could have imagined. They chuckled and stomped off, and I gasped heavily with dry sobs until my heart stopped pounding. My eyes are two black holes and I can't cry any more.

[theysongs]

Gently explaining to my younger self that we will find them, they just won't be interested in us

[theysongs]

Ay honey, come over here and make me fall in love with you slowly, with subtle, fluid headgames every time we meet, all the while acting like you're not interested, and then when I've finally given up all hope and am too destroyed to resist any more, whisper that you've always loved me, and worship every inch of my body and mind, until I willingly hand over my soul when you make me come with your mouth, and then in the morning, pretend nothing happened

[theysongs]

Where you're so close you can say anything Where I text "tell me that I'm good" and they reply "You're a worthless piece of crap, die" and I smile like the sun's come out after a long Winter Where we fall asleep in each other's arms mumbling "idiot" "cum bag" "vilest of all creatures" "piece of... cold vomit" and our lips stop the words and our bodies open

[theysongs]

we spar and we parry and we tear each other to pieces and I'm afraid to stop in case they only like me because I'm strong but all I want to do is lay in the cool grass with them and touch their fingers

[theysongs]

As they answered, I could barely hear the words, they became disconnected from the movement of their mouth, and the sound was echoey, underwater. Something was still keeping me upright and I let it continue while I fell. It wasn’t a surprise, nothing was a surprise any more, it was all laid out like a progamme I had to follow, I would break and then I would mend and then it would all fade with time. Except I didn’t want it to fade, I wanted to be stuck in that moment forever, my moment of maximum pain. It’s why I'd sought them out, with their eyes that swallowed me, with their voice that slid between my thoughts, with their hands that never touched me with desire, but still pulled my strings. As soon as I saw them, I knew that they were the one, the one that could do what no one else could, the one who could destroy me completely. We danced a sorry, awkwardly at first, but when they held me close, my body took over and followed as gracefully as it could. It was exactly at the point of being unbearable, but never tipping over. If only I could have had that dance forever, spinning like whirlpools in space, endless, infinite movements that made me understand for a few precious seconds that everything was perfect and everything was love.

[theysongs]

Sometimes I want to mess around like a kid, be fascinated by worms, giggle at clouds, get scared by crows Sometimes I want to get slapped round the face, breathe heavily while we stare into each others eyes like we're going to tear each other apart Sometimes I want to be not there, an object, no decisions, worries, or responsibilites Sometimes I want to poke into someone's soul until they're writhing in agony and begging me to stop but always, I always want to want to rest my head on them and feel safe and let go

[theysongs]

The hazy, doomed power of the need I have An irresistible pull In the darkness, I still know they're out there A sweetness, a lightness, an ease Blossoming in the dirt Even though we’re in different places our minds touch Half asleep I see them turn and look me so directly The lights that flicker behind my eyes draw their face Stars made of every moment we connected

[theysongs]

No network coverage Dark space outside of the windows The temptation to write about emptiness Birthing anxiety that I have nothing to say The hollowness in my mouth My dry fear Calling to the wet abyss Fill me up, I don't care what it is, just slide inside Butterfly lizards, wind tigers, electric bones all mount me in this transit space Liminal demons My friends and dancing playfucks

[theysongs]

They're asleep I don't want to wake them because they look so relaxed They deserve to rest As I watch them I feel a pull towards going back to sleep myself It's a nice feeling One I don't entirely want to resist I think about pack animals and how yawning spreads through groups Whether you yawn when someone else does is meant to show who's more dominant but really I think it's just whether you trust them I think that's why I have trouble sleeping I just feel like I have to keep guard Like I'm responsible Their face starts to blur I blink slower and slower My breathing starts to fall into time with theirs

[theysongs]

I want to get lost in the infinite forest inside of them When we touch, my whole body wants to be sucked into them to get so close that I merge with them I flow in the waves of them but I don't feel the pull of them wanting me too

[theysongs]

There's a switch in your head, and when you flip it, you can see all the workings Lines of connections between people, emotions, needs, the hidden structure, all glowing like an intricate web Try pulling strings, untying knots, moving things around It's like playing an instrument, like art make something beautiful

[theysongs]

They asked me: Why do you write about pain when you could write about beautiful things? I reached over and placed a feeling in their heart The look in their eyes told me they understood

[theysongs]

I self identify as a seething mass of misanthropy and bile I self identify as the tendrils of self hatred that strangle your mind I self identify as something too ancient to have a name I self identify as the void in your life you can never fill I self identify as everything about you that disappoints your parents I self identify as that pain in your chest you're scared to go to the Doctor about I self identify as the person you will throw your life away on even though you know they will destroy you