[think-thonkin]

Being grey-ace is so weird

I'll be sitting there, doodling or reading or just fucking existing, having a good time

Then, like, once a year at most, out of fucking nowhere, I get hit with such an intense wave of sudden, nigh unbearable horny and it's so STUPID

It's like my body is storing all of the sexual tension it would've been producing if I was allosexual and slam-dunks it on me one random, late afternoon alone at home

It's such an inconvenience too, the entire time that my instincts are scrambling for some form of relief, all I can think of is how annoyed I am over the interruption keeping me from continuing whatever I was doing just before

[think-thonkin]

A bit over 5 years ago now you came to my home and used me as your emotional punching bag, screaming me down over issues I've attempted many times to resolve with you peacefully, but you never wanted resolve - you wanted climax.

After you left, I blocked you everywhere. We haven't spoken since.

I grieved you. Then I hated you. Now I am tired.

You have been showing up in my dreams lately.

Mirages of better days.

"I'm sorry" you say in some of these dreams.

"Can we try again?" You ask in others.

I am wary of you, after all the verbal hurt you've intentionally sought to bring upon me - but in my dreams you don't hold yourself so tensely anymore. You sound as tired as I am. You want the easy friendship we used to have together again.

"I've gotten better," you promise. It sounds genuine. Not like the self-assuring, dishonest letter you sent me, trying to get another last word in, telling me how much better you are doing now, how much happier you are, without me. All but bragging about your perfect sunshine life. Sending me back artworks I've gifted you over the years alongside it - you don't even know that I shredded them in a fit of grief and rage. I doubt you'd care.

In my dreams... I cave in. I am so tired of hating you. I have my friend back. The one who believed me when I told her that I love her. The one that didn't constantly seek for reasons to attack me, to offload her bottled up resentment and anger on.

In my dreams, your presence is soothing again.

`this could actually work', I'll catch myself thinking

'maybe she really did grow out of it...?'

In some dreams we talk - I never remember about what.

In others you assume a background presence, a friendly face I no longer have to fear turning my back to.

Then I wake up, and I am struck with heartache.

Because the you in my dreams isn't real.

She never has been, she never will be. You are incapable of accepting blame, incapable of self reflection, of remorse. You are always your own highest priority... You only care if you're the one who gets hurt.

And still my subconscious believes in the best of you. Concocts worlds and universes where our friendship and love was real and true and able to mend.

It hurts.

[think-thonkin]

it'd be great if fandom could fucking stop trying to force familial labels on every goddamn m&f friendship they come across actually

someone just added something like that in their tags of one of my posts that had the portrayed dynamic that I VERY INTENTIONALLY LABELED as GOSSIP BUDDIES and they decided that, actually, they're dad/daughter now and phrased it like it was a fucking factual thing everyone agrees on and I actually despise the feeling of someone putting words in my mouth like that enough to block people who do that

why does everything have to either be romance or familial these days, why can't characters just be goddamn friends anymore, this fucking sucks

AUGH

[think-thonkin]

The average "non-canon het ship" experience

"Oh my goawd how can you ship that, they're canon with someone else already ugh" I don't care about canonicity and will proceed to ship them even harder going forward. Blocked.

"Give up already!!! Stop shipping that, it's not canon!!! You lost!!!" the only thing I lost is respect for your clown ass. Blocked.

"They're basically gay besties/like siblings how can you ship that ew (in response to my ship art)" you're conflating found family and childhood friends with step sibling relationships and try to force your headcanons onto me under my own post. Blocked.

"I don't ship them/I only like them platonic in canon but-" just enjoy the post man, you don't have to ship something to appreciate the art and think it's cute. Not blocked but on thin ice. Like are you okay? Is someone holding a gun to your head to make sure you make it undeniably clear that you're not to be conflated with the nasty evil shippers? Do you need to touch grass or someone to pull you out of a bad friend circle? A cup of tea and a good talk? Must be exhausting to live in constant anxiety of being misunderstood like that.

"they're such BESTIES/BROS/SIBLINGS and I LOVE THEM <3 (under my very shippy post tagged accordingly with the ship name etc)" why are you forcibly bro-zoning my blorbos under my own post? Passive aggressive trying to force your opinions onto others much? Blocked.

"xyz (gay) ship is better" pointless clowning. Blocked.

[think-thonkin]

Why do people who vape treat me asking them to not do it where I have to work bc I don't want to be forced to inhale it like it's completely unreasonable. Sorry but just bc it doesn't reek as bad as cigarettes doesn't mean it's healthy to inhale and I'd preferably not have sticky, powdery smelling air in my lungs just bc you're too lazy to open a window or not do it inside in the first place.

What you decide to put into your lungs is none of my business but I'd really prefer to have a choice in what I put in mine as well.

[marisatomay]

“maybe the curtains are blue because the author just liked the color blue” set human critical thinking skills decades back

[marisatomay]

you get it

[thekobrakiddo]

i would rather die than think critically about some bullshit "metaphor" just say what you fucking mean don't be a little pussy who has to hide their words

[kragehund-again]

oh, sorry, of course sir, i have some books for you right here <3

[think-thonkin]

My good deed of the day is not telling someone who got super offended about a majority of people in the same groupchat having a conversation about not liking the official content of something he happens to like, that maybe he just has to accept that he likes ugly art and bad writing and should learn how to not act like a baby when other people actually have taste

[rox-and-prose]

Stop Making Psychosis A Villainous Trait Challenge

[rox-and-prose]

Stop Making Scars A Sign Of Evil Challenge

[rox-and-prose]

Actually, you know what? Stop Using Disability As A Shorthand For Evil Challenge

[think-thonkin]

So I need to dump some thoughts on the upcoming MH live action movie

I've ranted about this in the tags of someone reposting the teaser/trailer onto here earlier this week but there's generally so many odd, if not outright negative creative decisions this movie has been making, it's kind of baffling.

Lagoona, Cleo and Deuce honestly being the most egregious imho.

First of all- the color blue is literally part of Lagoona's name, I genuinely do not understand why the creative decision to keep her skin tone that of a regular human was made when so many of the other characters can sport non-human skintones just fine-

My best guess is that she will be shown in water most of the time and having to do makeup to that extend and make it waterproof is quite a feat they may not have been willing to commit to, but it still sucks to see that they apparently couldn't find a better solution than this. At least they kept to her athletic clothing style and some of the fins I guess (give her webbed hands you cowards).

Now to the more egregious ones...

Cleo's main character flaw is supposed to be that she's outwardly arrogant and vain because she has not only one hell of a family reputation to uphold being royalty and all, but is literally a walking, rotten corpse, with the bandages all over her tied into her outfit to cover up the parts of her that aren't "perfect" - she is overcompensating outwardly and immaturely like the self conscious teenager she is, opting for taught, toxic behavior that is part of her natural character arc to overcome! Deep down she is supposed to be a kind and caring friend whose superficial behavior speaks more of nurture than nature and repeatedly does tend to hurt her friendships until she learns to express her care and genuine love for the people she's close to in healthier ways.

To see the live action movie with next to no bandages on her whatsoever feels like such a massive cheapening of her character - they stand for so much more than a decorative choice! Unless they humble her to a sympathizable level in some other way (because she is supposed to be part of the main friend-group's cast, not the actual school bully bitch like I'm afraid they'll make her out to be in this movie) this seems like a terrible decision to me, especially since, like this, she's not even recognizable as a mummy anymore.

Not to mention the implications of this movie potentially shuffling romantic dynamics around, so if Deuce's kind nature and loyalty to her isn't there to keep her grounded, challenge her taught, arrogant attitude and bring out her genuine, caring and kind side more, then how the hell are they gonna make her sympathetic to the viewer at all?

Speaking of Deuce-

I really disapprove of the decision to make him just some flavorless brand of bad boy aesthetic with green hair instead of a supernatural punk that sports preferably sleeveless clothes (shows of muscles! Hell yeah! He's a very sporty and athletically committed guy!) who, despite some tense family issues, maintains a friendly, warm personality that purposefully contrasts his more intimidating appearance.

The snake-hawk he sports in non-live action media is his most recognizable feature besides the eyes that are usually hidden behind sunglasses for the sake of protecting others from (temporarily) turning into stone and seeing that both the sunglasses were replaced with (seemingly) regular glasses and the snake hair omitted entirely, this movie imo failed at making him recognizable beyond the color scheme.

It just feels way too tame- they didn't even have to do it in CG, they literally could they not have just. Made some sfx prosthetics or sth? I'd have preferred some silly, bouncy, low-effort silicone snakes for hair over just. Dying this basic, designated "hot" boy haircut that's mostly hidden under a beanie anyways in green.

Obviously I cannot expect a nickelodeon musical production of a franchise that is in it's early reboot stages and thus likely does not have the biggest budget to fully cushion out huge projects like this, but this still makes it feel like this adaptation was made based on surface level research of the characters instead of putting actual thought into them.

I do admit that having Frankie be nonbinary makes absolute perfect sense for their character, since they are literally made up of multiple people's body parts that were painstakingly stitched together and artificially given life, but considering the thoughtlessness of some of the other creative choices (also why are there no bolts on Frankie's neck? They have to recharge regularly, don't they?) this is something that honestly kind of confuses me.

This is clearly a creative choice with thought behind it, but this also makes the quality of other creative choices for the other characters super inconsistent? I'm just. You'll make a character nonbinary to fit their essential identity and the setting's themes of a school full of weirdos (affectionate) with vastly different kinds of individuals better but won't give Cleo a defining character trait that is directly connected to who she is both as a monster type as well as a person and plays a big part in how she acts? WHAT

(though it is obviously still super appreciated to see one of the main protagonists be openly and very directly stated to use they/them pronouns, that's a bold move to push for and have executed, especially for a nickelodeon production of all things)

Monster High has a history of tying parts of its characters' personalities into the character's design elements, and seeing some of the more crucial details erased like this is a really bad sign for me.

Between some great ideas there's just too much wasted potential visible in that trailer and those teaser images... it's really unfortunate.

Despite definitely being a cash cow franchise made to sell dolls, there was a lot of genuine heart and effort put into these characters and into making them unique - because was that not the whole point behind Monster High in the first place? A cast full of colorful, unique individuals, all so fundamentally different in what type of monster they are, what their upbringing means to them, what their goals in their timeframe of existence are - and yet they find common ground, friendship, love... acceptance.

There's also the obvious cheesy teen drama charme, but a lot of the past stories involving these characters still managed to also have so much genuine heart and thoughtful, sweet messages about individualism and identity and the importance of trust and loyal friendships in this social setting where being different on a superficial level is not considered bad thing by default. That's the kind of thing people want to connect to, this desire to belong and be accepted regardless of what you look like and identify as, because it's your personality and actions that count.

I never expected nor asked for this movie to be 1:1 accurate to the dolls in any capacity, but it does bum me out that the costume designs make me feel like the people behind it don't actually understand the characters they were creating these outfits and makeup concepts for.

[think-thonkin]

Maybe a lukewarm take but can we normalize using descriptives like "self-centered" and "arrogant" or even "entitled" instead of throwing around the word "narcissist" haphazardly when we're talking about people that may fit some of the symptoms of NPD but aren't diagnosed in any such way? Like how about we just don't do that and leave the assignment of personality disorder labels to actual professionals.

Idk maybe stop using the word gaslighting if you mean defensive too, or stop calling something a hyperfixation when you're neurotypical and actually just mean a passionate interest that you have full control expressing over.

Like maybe just overall don't use psychology and mental health terms you pick up on tiktok and twitter without actually knowing what they mean or in which contexts they do and don't apply, at least do some research.

[lowkeyed1]

like... i agree with not diagnosing people. but narcissistic is a word. it's been an adjective long before NPD was in the manual. it's a word with a specific meaning that can be accurate to situations. narcissist is also a noun that can be accurate to non-clinical situations. someone can be a narcissist without meeting a clinical definition. my therapist, in our last session, said, and i quote "...because i have some narcissistic traits, we all do, but i don't have narcissistic personality disorder. just a normal amount" so maybe while it's good to encourage people to use words as they are correctly defined, i'm thinking it's an overreach to say 'you are forbidden from words that are also used in clinical settings.'

[think-thonkin]

I agree, but I'm afraid you misunderstood the point of my post.

I am well aware of the adjective and its use, and didn't intend for it to come across that I'd like to call out for a ban on those words from anyone's vocabulary or something, I wanted to underline the fact that many people these days love to mistakenly call someone who's got maybe some narcissistic traits "a narcissist" by default when really all they mean is that the person in question is simply self absorbed on one or two occasions and in turn tend to use it in gross exaggeration more than in an actually applicable context. I've seen people legit use it as a means of insulting and dismissing someone they don't like just to be petty.

It's a heavy word to throw around willy nilly, and while I admit that my word choice at the end of my original post was a bit poor and could've used more elaboration, I did mean to imply with "at least do some research" that it's fine to use these words, just that you should maybe preferably do it aware of what they actually mean and in turn use them correctly.

I was criticizing the blatant misuse of the terms in incorrect contexts more than their existence in the casual vocabulary overall - so, in essence, we both agree on that :'D.

[think-thonkin]

Maybe a lukewarm take but can we normalize using descriptives like "self-centered" and "arrogant" or even "entitled" instead of throwing around the word "narcissist" haphazardly when we're talking about people that may fit some of the symptoms of NPD but aren't diagnosed in any such way? Like how about we just don't do that and leave the assignment of personality disorder labels to actual professionals.

Idk maybe stop using the word gaslighting if you mean defensive too, or stop calling something a hyperfixation when you're neurotypical and actually just mean a passionate interest that you have full control expressing over.

Like maybe just overall don't use psychology and mental health terms you pick up on tiktok and twitter without actually knowing what they mean or in which contexts they do and don't apply, at least do some research.

[think-thonkin]

Look, I don't get political on here, and I hate drama, but this is a huge, impossible to miss thing and I want to share that I'm happy Johnny Depp won today.

This is a huge step forwards for actual victims of SA and DV, especially the male ones, and every person whose petty, manipulative and/or toxic ex has ruined their lives after a breakup in the form of spreading lies.

It's wild to me to see people default to "believe all women" when really, it should be "listen to all victims", so they may get a fair and just trial with every angle and piece of evidence properly considered, instead of being dismissed and their cases not taken seriously.

Regardless of gender.

I don't know how that's such a difficult concept for some people to grasp and it's beyond me that this still needs to be reiterated in 2022.

This is an incredibly damaging case for female victims of SA and DV, but not because a male perpetrator succeeded in harming a woman and being backed by law for it, but because an aggressive then-wife with attachment issues decided to take revenge on the man she couldn't bear to see leave when he so much as mouthed the word divorce, and besmirch everything the metoo movement stands for in a selfish act of petty vengeance to aid her as both a sword and shield to hide behind. I can already see actual future victims getting accused of "amber hearding" thanks to this case.

Blindly believing or refusing to believe people based on gender biases is everything that self-proclaimed rad-fems should be fighting against, not perpetuate. You people genuinely sicken me, because you're not a single ounce better than every sexist prick who asks SA victims how they were dressed that day.

While I do not condone the genuine harassment and threats Amber Heard has received, I do feel like she had every legal and publicity damage that came her way coming. I doubt she'll have learned her lesson, but I don't think she will recover from this anytime soon.

Ultimately, I hope she gets proper help in the form of therapy, preferably by a professional who doesn't take her words at face value and isn't afraid to be honest and upfront with her.

[think-thonkin]

It's the little things sometimes

One time my (now ex) girlfriend and I hung out with a mutual friend of ours to watch a movie at an out-of-town cinema, and because we were half an hour too early, ended up stopping by a Subway for some lunch.

We ended up talking about different toppings and food preferences, and while my stance on it would usually be "well I personally would pick that out of my meal if I found it inside but you do you" my girlfriend got all "this shit won't even enter my house!" about something I happened to enjoy, and because that kind of frigid mindset bothered me (in my mind this would be a problem later down the line when we live together, if left unresolved), I pointed it out accordingly.

She got defensive, it escalated in a spat, and instead of making an actual, objective argument, chose to attack me personally instead.

"Well at least I don't get overwhelmed from something as stupid as a video game."

This is in reference to me often getting big adhd related sensory overload issues when playing overwatch with friends (which I, mind you, only did bc I feared not doing so would distance me too far away from them). Something she had repeatedly voiced her annoyance with and something I often got frustrated and felt ashamed about.

She did achieve what she wanted though, the conversation ended there. I froze with shame and hurt, in disbelief that she'd say something that personally cruel in a situation that mundane. Had I not been the person to drive the other two there and thus responsible for getting them home too, I would've just up and left without a word.

She never apologized, I never brought it back up. Told myself she didn't mean it. Putting on rose-tinted glasses that, over time, would become as transparent as milk.

But nearly 4 years later, that still really does hurt to think back to.

Mainly because for years I did not understand that this was the first red flag in what would be a series of many, and makes me wish the me from back then had understood it as such and ended things much sooner, be less naive about it, more resilient, less of a pushover.

When really, she just should have not used something so ableist and personal like that against me in the first place, especially not so flippantly, over a spat about something as mundane as food preferences.

It horrifies me to think about how much worse things could've gotten had our relationship not ended when it did, had there not been the people that shook me out of my people-pleaser delusion of strong-arming my way through the relationship rather than leave it, because for some reason the prospect of breaking her heart felt a lot worse than continuously chipping away at mine.

But sometimes, in the moment, small things like this just... slip by you, until the rose-tinted glasses shatter at last and leave you with an unobstructed view of the big picture, of how much damage all those things you told yourself for ages aren't that bad have truly left on you.

[think-thonkin]

Sometimes depression is being sad over the person you feel you can't be.

Sometimes depression is being too tired to do anything and beating yourself up about it.

Sometimes depression is listening to a song that hits just a little bit too close to home and having an hour-long sobbing fit over it.

Sometimes depression is just not having fun doing the things you love anymore and getting frustrated when you try to.

Sometimes depression is all of these at once, and together they weigh more than you have the energy to move out of your bed on a bad day.

It's the numbness of your brain refusing to respond to positive things, the frustration of feeling stuck where you are and the despair that comes with feeling like you don't have nearly the amount of energy required to do something about it.

Sometimes it feels inescapable and awfully overpowering, and oftentimes it's not something you can resolve on your own.

And you know what?

It's okay to admit to need help for something like this.

It's okay to ask for it.

It's okay to wish that things were different, that they were better. You're just human after all, everyone has their limits.

Nobody should have to live like that permanently, and just because you do, doesn't mean you don't deserve better.

You absolutely do.

Keep looking for the brighter days and keep fighting to see the next.

I'm proud of you for making it this far.

Stay safe, tell the people who are important to you that you love them and most importantly: be kind to yourself as well.

[think-thonkin]

modern fandom culture sometimes really just makes me want to throttle some specific people, just a smidge

this recent generation of fans seems to have un-learned a perfectly functional kind of internet etiquette, spending their time invading spaces that were never meant for them, and then go on to harass folks who were just minding their own business for not complying to unrealistic moral expectations.

what happened to "don't like don't read"

what happened to being fine with just having preferences and curating your own online experience, to just blocking tags and people whose content you don't wish to see?

these people who add "DNI if" lists to their blogs and yet come into other people's spaces that were not meant for them and make it their business to criticize those folks for woke points - do you not see the hypocrisy? Do you not see how absolutely and utterly insignificant all this nonsensical infighting is? Who are you helping with this?

Nobody but yourself, really. You just want to feel morally superior over others.

Go outside, pet a cow, or pig, or whatever other kind of domesticated animals live near you, go touch some grass.

Stop yelling at strangers online for having preferences regarding fiction that you just happen to disagree with on matters of personal taste.

Remove yourself from the situation, block people and content that make you uncomfortable, quit wasting everyone's time and energy (including your own) on all this vain beef picking.

Go and enjoy your thing in peace and leave me to mine.

[think-thonkin]

sometimes I remember The Orange poem by Wendy Cope and google it to read it again

and every single time, without fail, I cry by the end of it.

the last line hits especially hard:

"I love you. I'm glad I exist."

I remember when I read it the first time, that last line hit me so hard I was bawling my eyes out for a solid hour.

It's just such a raw appreciation of life, such a solid and simple way to express it, a simple want to share it with the world.

I often am not that person, not in the slightest. I get hung up on negatives, I spiral from overthinking things and sometimes fall victim to my internalized self hatred sneaking in after small missteps and ruining my day.

But on some few days, I can appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face pouring in through the window as I water my plants, or the way my dog does something silly and wags his stumpy little tail when I laugh. The way my elderly neighbor spots me and shares a friendly wave and a kind smile, or the man that always walks his dog and whistles a merry tune as he does passes by.

On some few days, I clean and sing to myself and have a steaming cup of my favorite tea after it and for a moment, life isn't so scary anymore.

This poem hits me hard because it reminds me of those good days. They will come back, they always do.

They've come more often ever since I started to actively look for the small, enjoyable things in life. As a matter of fact, I'm sipping on some cold orange juice right now. It's delicious.

[think-thonkin]

7 hours of conference call classes.

My adhd is acting up like crazy.

I constantly zone out, can’t follow what’s going on and get too overwhelmed to speak when asked a question and stammer painedly in front of 10 other people and it’s frustrating me to the point where I’ve just given up.

I do so much better when we’re just given a bunch of exercises to do throughout the day - all this continuous noise on the ears and no visual references around me to guide me when I get lost one second too many and the humiliating silence when I’m asked a question out of the blue bc I’ve already been quiet for too long... every online class I’ve had recently has just ended with me crying from frustration with myself, I’m just so done with it all.