This Life Is Mine

This might be stupid, but I have decided to start this blog to share my life with you. I have recently decided that this life is my life. Now, I am truly going to live it. I’ve had some setbacks along the way. My father essentially threw my self...

[this-life-ismine]

many nights

many nights

many times, i’ve been passed up

in favor of a nice cold glass

of something that makes him feel warm.

many nights were spent nursing a bottle of beer

instead of his hungry baby girl.

it’s a disease.

it’s a sickness.

he couldn’t help it.

i know.

i subscribe to that.

it’s an illness i’ve studied inside and out.

... enough to know that first night is a  c h o i c e .

his bottle or mine?

his.

his warmth or mine?

his.

his needs or mine?

his.  his.  his.

every time.

many nights, he crawled out of bed

to reach for the sweaty aluminum can  s c r e a m i n g  his name

instead of his crying little girl.

many nights,

that was the choice he made.

i never thought you might too.

[this-life-ismine]

2.14.21

I finally said it...  “I’m gay.”

[this-life-ismine]

1.1.18

So, here we are in a brand new year.  I know it’s hard to believe, but I already have some things to say about it.

-Resolutions: Not making them this year.  Last year, I made them in the rush of the whole new year spirit thing.  I didn’t actually care about most of them, so I didn’t complete the majority of them.  For 2018, I have one main focus.  I am going to speak directly to myself a lot here.  Forgive me.

          Hey, you.  It’s 2018, your true last year of being a teenager.  Being 13 was fucking awesome looking back at it now.  You probably didn’t think much of it back then.  You didn’t appreciate much back then.  Let’s not make a habit of that.  You’re 19 now.  So many big and beautiful things are constantly happening to you.  Your goal this year is to allow yourself to completely feel happiness when it comes along.  Remember those few times you were feeling good and packed up all your stuff to go sit out on the green in the sunlight?  Do that even more.  Happiness is a gift to you.  It only comes around so often, and if you take the time to nurture it, it’ll stick around much longer.  Go on adventures, and don’t worry about making it back on time for class.  If you’re feeling like eating waffles for dinner, do it and put ice cream on top.  Sit on the green, close your eyes, feel the sunlight, and strum your ukulele.  I’m not going to tell you that you’ll be happy all the time this year.  That’s way too optimistic for us.  I just want you to be so good at being happy that when you are completely depressed, you can confidently say to yourself, “I will be happy again.”  That’s my grand plan for you this year.  There aren’t a lot of rules or specifics to it, but you’ll figure out all the details as you go.  And if you’re finding yourself reading this on New Year’s Eve before we get to 2019 and you’re not ready for this year to end, please remember that you will be happy again.

-Memories: Today, you cried.  A lot.  Generally, that’s not the way people want to start their year.  However, it was incredibly important.  You drove away from your yearly sleepover at your high school friend’s house for the last time.  Hopefully, you will all keep up the tradition some way.  But this is the last time you will all cram into the same room, wake up randomly and share silent moments, and just feel the same again together.  You cried for a reason.  You love all of these people so passionately, and I mean so passionately.  They are important to you!!!  You missed the ones who weren’t there, and you couldn’t stop holding on to the ones who were.  I know you always seem to find yourself busy at school, but you have the time to text them and call them and stay in touch.  You have the time.  So, please I am begging you to put in some more effort.  I know you hate technology.  I know it overwhelms you sometimes.  But is it worth being absolutely clueless as to how the people you love are doing?  Do better.

-Life: When you drove into town today, you ended up on the route you used to walk every day for 3 years from the bus stop.  On that corner with the cute house, you saw the same old couple you saw all the time walking out to their car.  You were instantly filled with so much joy that they are both still alive.  You think about them close to never.  If you were asked to name important people in your life, they would not make the list.  However, they are so important to you.  They’re a connection to your past.  You always wondered if they thought about you.  The days you had a club after school, you sometimes worried that they wouldn’t see you and would think something was wrong.  Maybe they paid you absolutely no attention at all.  But they were always there, and you paid attention to them.  And they’re alive!  You’re not that old yet.  You put this huge block in between you now and freshman year you, but if you keep doing that, you’ll just crush all the memories that belong in that space.  Don’t do that, you fool.  You haven’t got much of a life yet.  You’re only 19.  Every memory makes up who you are.  True, freshman year you was a socially awkward nerd who couldn’t have even managed to ever look that couple in the eyes.  However, she’s still part of you.  Keep your friends, but also keep yourself.  Let the younger yous stack inside each other as you go like those Russian stacking dolls.  Later, you’ll want the chance to open them up again.

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I have no authority to say half of these things, but let’s see what you do with them anyway.

[this-life-ismine]

Sometimes it just feels like I can’t get anything right. Not a single thing.

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

Please reblog, this is so important.

[notoriousthuggg]

I needed this

[amuseinherfeels]

Is this foreal?

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

Yes it’s a real service. I do volunteer work for a rape crisis support service in my city and texting is one of the features we provide as well. But just to boost its credibility, I tried it myself:

[thatdiva]

reblog to save lives!

[espressokisses]

You can also text “Steve” to 741741 if you’re a young person of color. The website for more info is stevefund.org

My understanding is that it’s more multicultural and some folks feel more comfy with that in mind!

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

^^^^^THIS

[nikator]

get help guys, please. if you’re hurting, don’t let that hurt consume you. seek help.

[politicalprof]

I never knew this. It’s spectacular.

[guiltiest-gear]

Oh my god

[this-life-ismine]

5.1.20

I got myself in a huge fucking mess.  With a guy.  That’s new for us.  That probably explains why I have no way of handling it.

Today, I went on a really long drive.  I prepped a long playlist to attempt to grasp at what I’m feeling so I can just identify it already.  The song that most resonated with me was Someone You Loved.  Maybe it makes me sound awful, but I want a relationship where I don’t have to be the savior.  I want to be held and not have to hold back.  I want to cry and not have to wipe tears.  I want something really selfish for once.  I want it easy.  I want it clean.  

He wasn’t that.  He isn’t.  And maybe it’s still the right thing, but I don’t want it to be.  I’m done with the hard stuff for a little while.  I have to be.  I’ve had to take care of myself for too damn long, and I just want someone to take care of me.  He did.  He does.  But there is a lot of effort and energy that has to get cycled back into caring for him, and it’s like I had never been cared for in the first place.

So far, I’m listening to my friend.  Distance is key.  Maybe things will resolve themselves in time, but I have a feeling they won’t.  I’m worried every second of every day that they’re going to hurt themselves.  I’m worried they might die.  I’m worried that I am becoming everything I promised them I would never be.  That makes me a hypocrite, and that makes me feel intensely guilty.  I suck at this.  We know this.  I can’t step away.  I can never step away.  Why can’t I manage to do one good thing for myself?

The last part is the hardest to admit.  I’m beginning to lose hope that anyone will ever love me.  I can’t think of one person I know that’s in the same pathetic boat as me.  It fucking sucks.  It felt really good to know someone finally did, and the fact that I can’t have that is so painful.  I really don’t feel like I am meant for love.  I don’t feel pretty.  I don’t feel interesting.  I don’t feel attractive.  I don’t feel sexy.  I don’t feel funny.  I don’t feel smart.  I don’t feel like I have a great personality, or any at all.  I hate my face.  I hate my smile.  I hate my hair.  I hate my body.  I hate how fucking awkward I am all the time.  I hate the fact that I have to try so fucking hard to get anyone to notice me.  I still hate myself.  No matter what, no matter how many times I’ve preached it to the fucking world, I still really really hate myself.  So yeah, I don’t see why anyone would love me.  I wouldn’t.

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

[this-life-ismine]

It’s nearly 2:30am. Been skin picking and eyelash pulling relentlessly for hours. Just had a crying fit. My mental health is going out the window.

[this-life-ismine]

4.22.20

Turning off...

That’s my big solution for getting through this quarantine.  I’ve been home for over a month now, and that’s what I’ve come up with.  Sometimes, you just have to turn off.

What does this mean?  For me, I haven’t felt any strong emotions in a good long while.  There isn’t any space for that here.  I don’t even have a safe place to cry.  God, I miss prayer in a chapel, but I think I miss that even more.  I always had a place to just let it all out.

Yes, it all sounds quite terrible.  I know you’re supposed to feel things and work through your feelings and all of that, but there is no use.  I don’t have access to therapy right now, which is awful.  I finally found something to keep me afloat, and it was ripped away from me.  It also feels so pointless to talk to someone else because really there is no comfort right now.  There is nothing to say.  They can’t hug us.  What is the point in making them feel useless for not being able to help?

My solution has some flaws though.  There are some people and some situations that make it utterly impossible to shut off.  First, there is a guy.  No need to name him... you’ll remember.  It fucking hurts.  You have no idea what you’re doing, and you’re not being fair to your heart or his.  And yet, it feels so good just to feel something, the one thing that’s safe to feel right now.

Also, I can’t help but empathize with the world right now.  I am completely unaware of the news because I just can’t.  Tractor trailers in town full of bodies.  A 94 year old grandfather with a diagnosis.  Friends who work in healthcare.  The toll is overwhelming, and sometimes I can’t help but weep for the world.  Trying to have faith as best as I can.

I’ll stop there because as I’ve said, it’s much easier to just turn it off.  Not recommended in the slightest, but this is all I have.

[openblogtomyabusivemother]

To those of you who had to hide stuff from your abusive parents in order to have anything… How did you do that?

Please reblog so other people can see.

Or maybe it’s not even in the past for you yet. I don’t have a lot of experience with this, so I don’t really have any tips. I know a lot of you deal with this, so if you could share any helpful ways to cope with this, I’m sure it would be really helpful!

[this-life-ismine]

Backpack 100%. I agree with most of what everyone already said. In terms of cash, if you can find tape, tape bills inside drawers underneath the top surface or the bottom of drawers. They’re not likely to reach up when looking in a drawer.

[quotez-deactivated20240525]

[poetsbloom]

"I want to be held into the morning,

I just need one night this week

Where I don't fall asleep terrified of my own mind."

- petrified

[worthless-misery]

"Every night she cries and dies a little more each time..."

Mayday Parade, "The Silence"

[br-o-ken-poetry]

I've spent hours obsessing over why I'm not good enough. Hours lost, standing in front of the mirror, studying my face and wondering if it's because I'm not pretty enough. Reading back old conversations and wondering if I'm annoying, too needy, too much. Will anyone ever stick around? I try so hard, but I'm just never worth it in the end.

broken thoughts | 2am

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.

Juliette Lewis (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

I’m not lazy. I’m just exhausted from fighting my way through every single day.

Mimi love (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[michellepsychologist]

Love you all, this message comes from my heart ♥️