In Vitro In Utero

The miracle of life through IVF and the way it changed our lives forever.

[tigerlily-lefty]

May 19, 2014 - My First OB Appointment

This was so difficult! Knowing we would be meeting with my OB for a pelvic exam and breast exam but NO ULTRASOUND!! It is so difficult because we now have to wait two weeks after this appointment for our ultra sound. Not seeing the babies for that long will be SO DIFFICULT. 

My OB said everything looked good and that my uterus felt like I was carrying twins and was appropriate for about 8 weeks or 2 months pregnant. 

I am a nervous wreck! Waiting until June 5th is going to just KILL ME!

On the house front, we sold our home (we had 4 offers in about 9 days) and we found the home we really, really want and put an offer in. Waiting to see if they accept!!

Fingers crossed on SO MANY FRONTS!

[tigerlily-lefty]

May 12, 2014 - Twins in womb - 7 Weeks & 1 Day 

[tigerlily-lefty]

May 12, 2014 - Ultra Sound & Blood Work - House Officially on the Market

Baby A - 173 bpm

Baby B - 170 bpm 

Each measuring 7 weeks and 1 day. Baby B caught up with Baby A. 

Baby A is determined based on who is closest to the cervix. Next appointment is next Monday!

We are nervous, nervous, nervous because our next appointment will be the LAST APPOINTMENT with the IVF Institute. Once we are released, all of the every Monday ultra sounds and blood work go away! It will be hard not to know what is going on in there. Especially since we are high risk for miscarriage and we aren't past the first trimester. PLUS, we have so much going on right now in our lives. 

Yes, I brought it all on and I know, it sounded crazy back in February and now, it DEFINITELY IS CRAZY. We put our home on the market and in this first week, we have had 16 showings - each of which I have to clean the whole house (upstairs three bedrooms and bathroom, the downstairs and the basement), get our one year old ready, gather the dog and make sure the dishes are done and the house is vacuumed, mopped, dusted and smells good. It is EXHAUSTING WHILE PREGNANT! 

[tigerlily-lefty]

May 5, 2014 - TWINS! Two Gestational Sacs, Two Yolk Sacs and Two Fetal Heartbeats

[tigerlily-lefty]

May 5, 2014 - WOW - The Difference A Week Makes!!

We nervously walk into my ultra sound and blood work appointment on Monday, May 5th, my dad's birthday. After a week of wondering and praying and getting sick and feeling just terrible, we have to face the monitor to find out if the compromised gestational sac has made any changes. 

THANK GOD, not only is the gestational sac okay now, but there are TWO. And, there are TWO fetal heartbeats! One is measuring 6.09mm - 6 weeks and 2 days and one is measuring 4.43mm - 6 weeks and 1 day. There are two yolk sacs. My progesterone is 192.3 and my HCG levels are 16,932, double last time. 

You can also see a third gestational sac the ultrasound technician called a blighted ovum. This means an embryo likely affixed but didn't form into anything. However, because of this third sac showing up with no yolk sac, the doctor wants us to come back one more time before I am released to a regular OB.

Blessed. So blessed. All of the prayers I have said have been answered. My husband and I just couldn't believe our eyes. It was really hard to believe and now, I just want it to LAST. I have always heard God only gives you what he believes you can handle. I am so lucky he has blessed us with two little embryos that have decided to make my uterus their home for the next nine months!! 

As a side note to IVF, when you are implanted, you are already considered one month pregnant. And, all pregnancies are 40 weeks full-term which is actually 10 months - not 9 months. If you haven't been pregnant before, this is a big shock and something no one ever tells you! 

Next appointment is next Monday. 

[tigerlily-lefty]

April 28, 2014 - 5 Weeks Pregnant - Compromised Gestational Sac - Yolk One Week Behind

[tigerlily-lefty]

April 28, 2014 - First Pregnant Ultra Sound and Blood Work Appointment

And there it is! A teeny, tiny, little gestational sac! It's so tiny and so early in fact, that they can't really determine a heartbeat yet. And, sadly, they are concerned about the shape. The gestational sac is considered compromised and the yolk is measuring a week behind and there is no sign of an embryo. *SIGH*

More worrying...our next appointment is in another week. My heart is pounding and my nurse tells me the best thing I can do is remain positive and not to be stressed. 

[tigerlily-lefty]

April 21, 2014 - Am I Still Pregnant?? That is the question.

This is the question I ask every night and every morning but I mainly ask on Monday morning when I go to my appointment for ultrasound and blood work. Today I am still pregnant. My HCG levels doubled appropriately to 510 and my progesterone was good at 175. My thyroid levels were good, TSH was good at 2.65 and the my next appointment is Monday, April 28, 2014 for my first OB ultrasound and blood work. They will be looking for a gestational sac but won't see a heartbeat yet. At this point, I am considered 6 weeks pregnant and should remain on all the same medications. WHEW. 

But really, I am still so high risk, these are just tiny little milestones. Hard to believe how easily it would be to miscarry or for there to be something wrong with the embryo. 

Who can relax? How can I think of anything else right now? How can I be normal? I am still in a lot of ovary pain and my stomach feels like it's stretching but that can't be already. 

[tigerlily-lefty]

PREGNANT!!!

April 18, 2014 - 

I took four at home pregnancy tests as you know, and they were all negative. Including this morning before my blood test at the institute. This morning, with a heavy heart, by myself, crying all the way to my appointment at 6:45am, after a rough night's sleep, I walked into the waiting room I've been walking into for over a month now. The receptionist met me with a smile and said, "Did you take a home pregnancy test?" I replied yes and continued to explain with tears that they were all negative. I had my blood drawn and left. Cried on the way home and came home and collapsed on the couch overwhelmed with everything I was feeling. All of the waiting, the sickness, the terrible shots and blood work and ultrasounds. 

Then at 2:30pm, as we were getting ready to leave to meet our realtor to look at potential homes, I got the call from the nurse. You are pregnant. WHAT?! It is impossible. I am pregnant? I couldn't be! I BURST INTO TEARS and became a blubbering idiot that no one could understand - my one year old was looking at me like I was crazy, my husband was stunned for a minute, but then looked at me as though he knew I was pregnant this whole time, the nurse calmly and politely remarked, "This is why we tell you ladies not to take a home pregnancy test before your two week blood test here in the office. And not only are you pregnant, you have really strong numbers. Your HCG level is 234 and your progesterone number is 178. For this early in a pregnancy, these are really good numbers."

[tigerlily-lefty]

You Will Get Used to all the Needles...

During IVF, you will go to the clinic every two days to have your blood drawn and a transvaginal ultra sound. They are checking how your body is reacting to the stimulation drugs. Your ovaries are growing and follicles are becoming evident with eggs.

You will get used to and hopefully become friendly with the phlebotomist,  the ultra sound technician and the receptionist during this time. Mainly because it's very early in the morning that they take IVF patients, you are hormonal, you usually feel sick to your stomach, you are a ball of nerves because the results are never the same for anyone, you are hoping for the best, you are sore and life just feels like a big question mark.  

[tigerlily-lefty]

March 17, 2014 - DOUBLE EGG YOLK

I cracked my daughter's egg for breakfast this morning and was met with a surprise double yolk. When I was younger growing up, my mom always told us that would have been a twin chick. Now I hear it is the sign that someone you know is pregnant with twins. Hmmm, I sure wouldn't mind if that happened! I would feel so blessed, I wouldn't even be able to handle it!!

(This is also the very first double yolk I've ever gotten. And a Facebook friend of mine got one the same day).

[tigerlily-lefty]

January 27, 2014 - HYSTEROSONOGRAM

This is the image of my uterus at the hysterosonogram. Completely normal. Although I have no idea what I am looking at. My fallopian tubes were clear and my ovaries were fine, too. I received clearance that day to move forward, which was a relief - the first box to check off the very long list before IVF treatment can even begin. It is January - we won't even begin IVF until I have been on the birth control pill for at least 2-3 weeks.

[tigerlily-lefty]

February 2014 - EVERYDAY HOLDS THE POSSIBILITY OF A MIRACLE

In the waiting room at the IVF Institute before my bloodwork & ultrasound - I wonder how many hopefuls have taken a picture of this as they wait? It's hard not to. 

[tigerlily-lefty]

January 27, 2014 - RESERVED FOR DR. MILLER'S PATIENTS ONLY

Upon arriving to the IVF Institute for my Hysterosonogram, (a vaginal pelvic ultrasound that is done to check the female pelvic organs: the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and nearby structures to make sure there are no problems before beginning the IVF procedure), I appreciated the signs for IVF patients to park. You quickly recognize the importance of what you're about to embark on and realize Dr. Miller understands the importance of the delicate situation his patients are all in - physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

[tigerlily-lefty]

MIGHT AS WELL TRY TO GET PREGNANT AND SELL OUR HOME, RIGHT?

Back in February, the 11th to be exact, we met to discuss selling our house. We also went to the IVF Institute the same time in February to begin that process as well. One would say we are crazy for even entertaining the two overwhelmingly daunting, life changing, drastic, undertakings at the same time...or at least I was for sure for the physical and emotional toll would be exhausting. 

But the more I thought about it, I kept telling myself and my husband, this is temporary pain and WORK, WORK, WORK, with a long term goal and a huge pay off if we do it right. No time like the present to get moving. Also, I wanted to be pregnant for at least 6 months before I turned 40 because the IVF process is different beyond 40. 

We have a 3 bedroom, 1 full and 1 half bath home in a suburb of Chicago. With the amount of out-of-town visitors we have, a new, bigger home was a necessity. And with the hope of another little one, we would need another bathroom and bedroom at least. 

We needed a larger home no further away from the city, due to my husband's over an hour daily commute already. I also knew that if I got pregnant, we would likely be selling this house in May or June once it finally all came together and I wouldn't want to be much more pregnant for the move. 

There is also the need to nest once your pregnant and we would want to paint the house and get new carpet where necessary for our one year old and for the new baby. 

Was I completely crazy for thinking about all of this and further more, planning it?? Believe it or not, my conservative and somewhat pessimistic husband actually began to see all of my points and AGREED to go along with it. I contacted our realtor and we made the IVF first consult with the nurse to begin that process as well. 

[tigerlily-lefty]

"Don't take an OTC EPT during the dreaded TWW"

(over the counter Early Pregnancy Test - during your two week wait)

We were told this over and over again.

The "Trigger Shot" that you take of HCG exactly 36 hours before you have your eggs retrieved is 10,000 units of HCG which is the human chorionic gonadotropin hormone produced naturally in the human body when an egg is fertilized in pregnancy. 

Because the HCG could still be in your system, it would falsely tell you that you are pregnant even though you may or may not be. 

So, everyone during the two week wait takes a test anyway. I actually thought I was being the "good girl" by waiting until 8 days after the transfer! I mean, at that point, I figured the HCG would be out of my system. The test was negative. 

Then, 12 days after the transfer, another two tests, both negative. 

The day of the blood pregnancy test at the IVF Institute, 14 days exactly after the transfer, I took another test and it was negative. 

Heartbroken doesn't begin to explain how I felt. All of my dreams, all of my prayers, pointless. I felt betrayed by God and by the process, although I knew I already had so much to be thankful for with my daughter. Heart broken. Devastated. All of this work and all of my sickness and all of my worry for nothing. I am so defeated. 

I have let my husband down. I have let our future family down. Another $18,000 down the drain. Down, down, down. 

I am so beside myself all I can do is cry. Negative. It was negative. A big fat Negative. BFN. 

[tigerlily-lefty]

Leaving the embryo transfer -

I saw a cardinal on the green lawn outside of the hospital. They are always in trees when I see them and very rarely do I see them anyway. But this little guy was in the middle of the lawn, the only vibrant bit of color against the gray of the Chicago day. Even the yellow-green grass and the blacktop pavement seemed the same color as the brown building. The cardinal was my grandma Grammy's favorite bird. When I see one, I think of her. I felt this was a "sign." You will take anything as a sign at that moment. 

The song "Happy" by Pharrell Williams was playing in the Jeep and I commented to my husband that maybe that was a sign as well? That we should be happy? 

I went the rest of the day waiting for sign number 3 - and it never happened. Hmmm....

Again, I pray and rest. And when I go to sleep, I pray again. For each of the tiny embryos that didn't survive, for each of the blastocysts that were transferred and trying to decide whether my uterus was a place that they wanted to call home, and for the blastocysts that we had cryogenically preserved in case this round of IVF didn't work. Then I pray for my one year old daughter that is asleep and is also an IVF miracle. What a blessing. 

Would we really be blessed again? Are we asking for too much? My heart is heavy and my mind is racing.